Friday, December 31, 2010

Blink And You'll Miss The Good Parts

2010 Went like this:

I was broke, unemployed, miserable, almost evicted. I met a guy; it went well for a bit and then it ended. Didn't get to travel, canceled my radio show, deleted some negative people from my life.

In between all that I saw a few movies, hosted a few readings, wrote a few stories, read a few books, shared a few laughs and saw PRINCE in concert.

I'm not putting much stock in 2011. All I ask is that Jamie Cullum play a show in NYC that I can attend, N get into the middle school of her dreams, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2" be awesome, I get a story published in a literary journal, K has a nice sweet sixteen party and somebody, somewhere employs me full-time as a writer of some sort so that I can pay down my debts.

Everything else is just whatever.

*smooches...with good cheer and all that other bullshit*
and blah blah blah, something witty and snarky, blah blah.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Last Crazy Jaded Dream Of 2010

Are you ready for this?

So this takes place where most of my vivid/crazy dreams take place-- my grandmother's apartment on Patchen Avenue in Brooklyn. Apparently I killed a man for talking sideways about my mother. He sorta looked like the uncle from the Harry Potter films. I just straight up choked the shit out of him with his own tie- saw him turn red, sweat, struggle to breathe until he died.

When the cops come looking for me (and Mari, who wasn't there for the actual murder but is somehow an accomplice), we use magic to turn ourselves invisible. Invisible.

We keep that up until Mami finally busts us and convinces us to go to the cops. I am all NO and then POOF!! my powers were gone. I couldn't turn invisible anymore.

Then I woke up. And went to the mirror to see if I could make myself invisible just in case. <---That part wasn't a dream. I really stood in front of the mirror and tried. Listen- the characters on Heroes got their powers after a lunar eclipse. I'm just sayin'. Now about this dream... What the fuck??

*smooches...not sure what's going on in my head*
and actually kind of afraid to find out

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Ten Times Better Than Any Rev Run Tweet

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal." -Hannah More

*smooches...a little encouragement on a Wednesday*
think about Ms. More's words next time you feel defeated by life

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Mother Nature VS Jaded McCranky-Pants VS The World!

It's funny how not in control of anything we humans are. I mean, we'd like to think we can control things with our satellites "predicting" shit and our meager contingency plans in case of emergencies, but let's face it- we don't know what the fuck to do when shit gets real.

And that's hard for a control freak like me to admit.

Like, first off, National Grid, Cablevision AND my landlord don't give a shit that my temp job hasn't been paying that much lately because I've been sick and the government holidays and closings have affected my check. Don't be surprised if Jaded starts off 2011 with an overdrawn bank account. It's real in these streets, son!

And second, this fucking snow. THIS. FUCKING. SNOW. I know I live in New York, in the northeast, and we have winters. Yes, I get it, our seasons change. But THIS. FUCKING. SNOW.

How do you even prepare for it? Plows don't come out to South Brooklyn, elevated trains are all fucked up, buses abandoned in the middle of the street... don't y'all have plans for this? Where are the maintenance crews? WHERE ARE MY TAX DOLLARS GOING?

"Either they don't know, don't show, or don't care about what's going on in the hood."

Lastly, I have cramps so I hate every-damn-one and every-damn-thing. The End.

*smooches...ending the list at THREE on purpose*
it's been a helluva day so only the devil's number will do. Fuck you, Beelzebub! And you, too, Global Warming! Don't think I ain't seen you over there SHITTIN ON THESE HEAUXS...

Monday, December 27, 2010

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 5

Another GChat convo, but inappropriate just the same...

ME: Really good sex only exists in Harlequin Romance Novels.


ME: "She took his quivering member into her eager mouth..."

FRIEND: quivering? LOL

ME: HAHAHAHA yours doesn't quiver? *shrugs*

FRIEND: It hasn't yet. But I have to wonder if I would consider presenting a quivering member. I doesn't SEEM like the greatest of ideas...why is it quivering? Am I scared?

ME: I think it quivers with anticipation of this most awesome mouth or vagina, belonging to some saucy vixen who, just prior to this moment, was unattainable.
(I read too much...)


*smooches...ending the year in the same ratchet fashion it began*
the day I behave properly is the day you know the pod people, or the Christians, have gotten a hold of me.

Friday, December 24, 2010

My Doodles Wanted To Say Something...

Happy Merry Fake Jesus' Birthday
To All My Lovely Readers!!

*smooches...from one heathen to another*
from all of us here at The Jaded Empire, have a safe & happy holiday season.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

They Be Strategic, We Be Reactionary

The other night I watched Signs again, and **SPOILER ALERT** in the basement scene, when Mel Gibson and company are trying to escape the alien invaders, he says, “They’re just making noise. They’re trying to distract us…keep our attention on the door.” He was right, too, because seconds later another alien tried to gain access to the basement through an old coal chute located in the corner.

Shortly after I watched the film, someone wrote a letter to the Brooklyn Public Library stating that, according to state law, there is supposed to be a flag flying outside of each branch building.

My initial reaction was WHO THE FUCK CARES? Especially with so many other serious things happening in the world, why is this person making such a hubbub- contacting the media with an open letter on his website- about flags?

Then it dawned on me: it’s a diversionary tactic. And I extrapolated it to what I think the entire tea party is doing to us right now, strategically making noise about bullshit, meanwhile someone is sneaking in through the old coal chute in the corner of the basement.

Our mistake was thinking that they’re dumb rednecks who hate democrats and colored people. From what I've seen they're cunning, organized and have a very strategic agenda. I don't pretend to know much about politics, either- this is just a layman's observation from the outside looking in.

And I don't know about you but I'm kind of scared at what that will mean for us as a nation. Y'all keep fuckin' around and next thing you know: President Palin is killin' moose all up and through the White House.

*smooches...rethinking this whole "Black President" thing*
I guess we weren't ready 'cause people done lost their god damned mind since Obama took office. damn shame, too. just a damn shame.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm Worth More Than That

This crappy economy has taught me a valuable lesson in self-worth. It shed some light on something Mami tried to explain to me when I started freelancing, but didn’t notice until I was really starving for funds: Employers really don’t think much of writers. And you can really see evidence of that in the various writing mills around the internet.

Currently, regardless of what people are willing to pay, I am worth a pretty penny on an hourly basis. I mean, not as much as a hooker (those bitches make sooooo much more than I me rethinking my life choices n shit) but still, a good lot o’ dough. These writing mills (Demand Media Studios [although Demand now offers SOME per-hour writing opportunities], Suite101, etc) claim to offer writers great opportunities but if you ask me it’s somewhat of a legal scam.

In my experience the jobs up for grabs on those sites, at most, pay you about $25 per article. Total. At first you think, “Ooh, I can knock out four articles this week and make a cool $100!” Then you realize, had you really itemized the expenses you incurred for writing said article, you end up losing. Besides, I made way more than $100 PER ARTICLE freelancing for Batanga Magazine and PCI Journal. Even working in The Basement paid $100/day, and that was one shitty ass job. How can I afford to take such a huge pay cut?

Even the best writers need at least 3-5 hours to produce a good article. This includes research, fact-checking, interviewing, writing and editing. For argument's sake let’s say you can create a really good piece in five hours...what have you to show for those five hours of your talented time, wear-and-tear on your computer, electricity, internet service, time away from other opportunities or family and friends, maybe even ink and paper if you’re the type that can’t read off of a screen for too long? $25 lousy dollars. That breaks down to $5/hour— LESS than you’d earn in five hours at McDonald’s. WRITING MILLS ARE PAYING YOU LESS THAN MCDONALD’S! If this was Gone-With-The-Wind, Georgia, sure, take the $5 and run. But my name ain't Mammy. You're gonna have to pay me a real, 2010-2011 living wage.

Sure, there’s the argument that some money is better than no money, and in this crippling economic climate we have to take what we can get, but that’s what writing mills are counting on. They hope and pray and KNOW that a lot of us are broke, in debt, young, stupid, starving artists, and are exploiting us. They are telling us we’re worth less than $5/hour. “Fuck your degree, your experience, your connections. Take these seven pennies and get the fuck outta here!” I don’t take too kindly to that kind of disregard for my hard work.

Hookers know what their vaginae and mouths are worth, especially for bareback encounters. Why should us writers settle for less?

*smooches...refusing to compromise*
you let ONE writing mill walk all over you, next thing you know you're working around the clock, producing all this collateral for them and you're still broke. Fuck that!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I Saw Prince On Saturday.

And there's nothing more to say about that except thank you Irene for the awesome Christmas gift, and thank you Mattie Shaw and John Nelson for not using birth control the night you conceived that most AMAZING MUSICAL GENIUS that performed for us on the 18th.

If I had the money, I'd go again.

2010 wasn't that great for me, but this...this kinda made up for all the bad shit.

*smooches...for Irene and her most thoughtful gift*
now, if anyone knows where my beloved Prince will be staying when he does his shows on the 29th and on January 18th, holla at a playah...

Monday, December 20, 2010

One Down, Four To Go.

It's my last show of the year. WOO HOO!

Tonight on Monday Musings, Mari, Chris and I talk up the Best and Worst moments of 2010: what made us sit up listen? What movies blew our minds? How did politics affect us? What personal goals did we set or meet?

It'll be a blast, so make sure you're there on time.

*smooches...thinking of my lists as I type*
not sure what I'll have to contribute...this year has been a total haze...

Friday, December 17, 2010

The End Of A Jaded Era

Okay, maybe not an era, but definitely the end of what I and about four of you considered an important part of The Jaded Empire: As of February 1st, Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends will no longer be on the air.

On Wednesday I received an email from Dan Kashman at Blog Talk Radio outlining a new fee schedule to which I’d have to adhere if I wished to continue my show as is. He did offer a revised, more restricted, free account that allowed me to “conduct only one, 30-minute show per day” and “upload and store a maximum of three audio files for use during your show” but that's not something that works for me and the dynamics of my segments.

Blog Talk Radio is also taking away my ability to “schedule shows during prime time hours” or “schedule private episodes.”

Therefore I made the executive decision to just end the show. I will not heed any suggestions to find a new home or continue with a 30-minute segment instead because frankly it’s not worth it.

At most, five of you listen to the show live and MAYBE one of you will actually call in. If Monday Musings depended on ratings to survive we would have been canceled faster than NBC’s “Undercovers” (SHOTS FIRED!!). Perhaps that’s my fault for not stepping up my marketing game, or maybe I chose a sucky time slot, or maybe I’m just not as great a radio host as y’all have pumped me up to be. Whatever the reason, I don’t feel it’s worth it to continue chasing my tail with this venture.

Each week I’m practically begging for listeners, trying to choose topics of interest to you, etc, only to be disappointed episode after episode. It has become the equivalent of an abusive relationship. Every Monday I tell myself “This is the week they’re going to tune in. This is the week they will call me and ask questions and interact with me.” But I’m proved wrong every time.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I put Monday Musings to rest after 2.5 seasons. It was a nice run with great co-hosts and discussions and such. But Blog Talk Radio has, with these new changes, offered me an opportunity to stop beating a dead horse, give it a proper burial and move on.

Thank you to everyone who listened and called and co-hosted and encouraged me along the way. “I hope you had the time of your life.”

*smooches...turning my focus elsewhere*
there are still 5 episodes left (of course!); feel free to ignore those as well. we won’t miss you one bit.

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I feel things deeply.

My pain, your pain- it's all the same to me.

During my junior or senior year of high school, a classmate was shot and killed at a party. I didn't know this kid at all, but watching those who did know him cry made me cry heartily. I felt like a fraud allowing those tears to roll down my cheeks, but it's not something I can control. Pain is pain and I feel all of it.

I'm hurt a lot. I think people mistake my harsh exterior for a cold heart. But I still have feelings, you know? Machete or not I am still a human being. 99% of the time I will joke it away. But at some point all that hurt piles up until I have no choice but to pull away from the world, go into my bathroom and cry in the shower.

Today is one of those days.

For the first time in my life I wish I knew how to drive. I'd hop in the car, top down, scarf and sunglasses ala Jackie O. and just drive until I reached the water. I'd have the radio up loud, sing along off-key and have a good cry behind my sunglasses on my drive to nowhere. With Jamie Cullum on repeat...

I'd forget everyone and everything and exist by myself in a painless, peaceful drive to nowhere. And when I got there I'd sit and write myself a letter that would read:

No matter what, it will be alright. You will be alright.


*smooches...just for me in my imaginary car*
y'all hoes be stressin' me out, I swear...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Frustration 101

I’m going to take advantage of my recent stank-di-dank-dank mood to get a few things off my chest. Normally I prefer not to write a post in anger but I think that’s precisely what I need to do, because walking on eggshells, trying not to offend or upset other people, diplomacy and playing politics can all kiss my ENTIRE high-yellow, flabby new booty.

In 2005 I decided to pursue writing as a career. I figured I’d get some lowly job at a cheesy paper, magazine or website, and then on the side I’d write a few stories that I’d submit to some journals, that would in turn publish the stories and I’d have a quiet little career- writing my little articles and publishing my little stories.

While in graduate school, and especially after my divorce, I got these lofty ideas of doing greater things, like maybe starting my own magazine or publishing a book or teaching a creative writing class to inner-city youth. I didn’t really speak these things out loud because honestly, with the exception of a few people, I knew I was surrounded by Doubting Thomases and Negative Nellies, and it was just safer to dream big only on the inside.

Then I began to meet with other creative types (and the people who claimed to love us) who shouted from the mountain tops that it was okay to dream out loud and whatever ideas I had YES! AWESOME! PURSUE THEM! WE’RE BEHIND YOU AND SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!

Well a funny thing is happening on the way to that big dream- some of the people who shouted the loudest turned into Doubting Thomases and Negative Nellies, and Lazy Limabeans to boot! And all the support and enthusiasm they touted turned out not being worth the price of tube socks.

I understand that my dream is mine and it is in fact my responsibility to make it happen if I wanted bad enough. I get that and am okay with that. I suppose it just would have been more helpful to know who was really in my corner and who just wanted to jump on the bandwagon once things got rolling.

A light bulb went off in my head and I started to get why there are "sellouts," and why our local creatives rarely come back to the ‘hood. Because for all the hootin’ and hollerin’ that there’s no good entertainment in the Black and Latino community, that same community is the first one to NOT support one another. I used to do the same thing, but now I get it. Now I know why it happens. Mine eyes hath seen the light!

One trillion people will break their necks to view and complain about Keri Hilson gyrating in a video, calling her all kinds of names and saying she’s what’s wrong with entertainment today, but only a handful will show up to an open mic, music showcase, off-off Broadway show or indie film screening. Shame on you. Shame on ALL of you (myself included!) who complain about shit you don’t do anything to change.

And let me just say this: I dare one poor unfortunate soul say one contrary thing about me doing business with The Others when I finish putting The Jaded Empire together. I tried working with my people but y'all are like crabs in a barrel and I can't let myself get caught in there. Talk out of place about Brad or Skip being executive VP in charge of shit and I will forget my degrees/home training and Suge Knight your ass. Trust.

* you some harsh truths on a Wednesday*
this, of course, does not apply to the people who DO make an effort to support independent movers and shakers. Y'all know who you are. On behalf of creatives everywhere, THANK YOU!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

These Fools Right Here, Though...

This weekend I went to DC to visit my smelly-butt sister, and while I was there I hosted a little reading. You might have heard about it...or not since NAN ONE OF YOU FROM THE AREA SHOWED UP.

With the exception of three brave souls, the turnout was a bust, but the after party (of sorts) was a blast, complete with tator tots (I will never again doubt their awesomeness) breast talk (which seems inevitable when people encounter me for the first time) and people watching in Adams Morgan (Santa Claus is a P.I.M.P. You heard it here first).

Mari (my Marketing and Special Events Manager) and I sat down for a post-mortem of the event and have decided to try again but tweak a few things in order to garner a better response. If that doesn't work, well then I will put DC down as an official SUCKY town. There, I said it.

But really, I just want to take a minute and thank the few, the proud, the people who came out and stayed out with yours truly, and made what could have been a really crappy night oh-so-much fun.

(pictured, from L-R Super Dave VanBuren, Johnathan Tillman and Bella.)

Y'all rock.

The rest of you who stood us up can kiss my ass. And I don't mean that in a jokingly, Jaded way. I mean for real, kiss my ass, fuck off, whatever.

*smooches...burning bridges and not giving two ratty shits*
and there it is: Jaded's Breaking Point...never thought you'd see the day, huh?

Monday, December 13, 2010

It's Not About The Gifts

One of the worst things a parent can do to their child is to set them up for disappointment, and one of the ways that's done is by buying them the world and making them think everything is acquired so easily. Especially at Christmas.

On tonight's Monday Musings, we're gifting you another Child Rearing 101 segment straight from the course list of The Jaded School of Parenting: Don't Spoil Those Babies!

Resident co-host and parent Brother Omi (and hopefully Mrs. Omi!!) will be on hand to outline for you the best way to balance holiday gift-giving with raising appreciative children. Trust us- it's a fine art, especially in today's bigger better faster more era when little kids have cellphones and teenagers are carrying designer bags.

But fret not- we're here for you!

So tune know you want to!

*smooches...doing my part as a member of the village*
you remember the village, right? The one 80s yuppies tried to burn to the ground?

Friday, December 10, 2010

What It's Like To Live With Vertigo

One day back in 2001, I had the strangest feeling, as if the room were spinning out of control. It made me incredibly nauseous and equally frightened because of course my hypochondriac-ass was thinking BRAIN TUMOR.

After a few bouts of “spinny-room” I went to see my doctor. YES, back then I had a physician whom I saw regularly. A wonderful German woman, who pulled no punches, wrote no prescriptions unless I needed it desperately and had me in and out of that office in a reasonable amount of time. I miss her. And during that very weird exam where she made me lay down and then moved my head up and down and around super quickly to see if it made me sick, she determined it was vertigo and sent me to see an otolaryngologist (ENT) for a second opinion.

The ENT examined my ears and throat (I was also complaining of some weird white spots in the back of my throat that I thought to be throat cancer; it was just calcium deposits built up in the pockets of my tonsils) and also concluded it was vertigo (benign positional vertigo to be exact), and gave me some medicine for motion sickness (that, by the way, doesn't work because it makes you drowsy and useless).

That first year I was diagnosed it was seriously a problem for me. At first I cracked jokes and all (there's a film about my disease!) but picture it: Riverdale, 2001…

It’s a weekday and you begin to come out of your sleep coma and you feel like someone is moving your bed around. It almost feels like your whole world has been placed on top of a Sit ‘n Spin that you can't control. Once the room stops moving, you take a deep breath and attempt to get up, but even the slightest movement of any part of your body, especially turning yourself slightly to the side, activates the Sit 'n Spin happening in your head.

You get queasy. You don't want to throw up but you know it's near, and all you can think is, "I'm going to puke on myself because I will never be able to make it to the toilet with the room spinning like this!" It goes on nonstop anywhere from 5-30 minutes to hours, and all you can do is lie there and take it like a bitch.

Because that's exactly what I've become- my inner ear's bitch.

I was told there was no cure for this because, well, what is there a cure for these days? Like Chris Rock said- there's no money in a cure; the money's in the comeback! But HA! I fooled them! I REFUSE to take the drug and taught my body to just relax, sit still and sleep it away. And when that stops working, I will try one of these new-agey exercises I found online.

Take THAT pharmaceutical companies!!

*smooches...admitting to a tiny flaw*
and not to be crass, but this damn vertigo also keeps me from roller coaster rides and certain jungalistic activities that I used to enjoy... ol' cock-blockin' vertigo... *sigh*

Thursday, December 09, 2010

Sarcasm 101 Graduate

My response to K, who wondered how Grayson (Josh Hopkins from "Cougar Town") is able to achieve a half-smile in a particular scene...

ME: You just have to learn how to isolate the muscles in your face.

K: And where would I learn that- Isolate the Muscles in Your Face class?

*smooches...ever so proud of her sassy comeback*
she's a keeper, definitely; won't have to leave her in front of the firehouse at all LOL

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Miss New Booty

Ever since about the late 90s, I’ve been lamenting about how not-cute my butt looked- naked or in jeans. I don’t have that supposed, typical hour-glass figure for which my people are known. Even at my thinnest, the only curves I possessed were up top.

Recently, however, I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon happening in my booty region- a roundness never before seen on this body; enough to make me try on tight jeans JUST to look at my reflection in the mirror.

I should be ecstatic, right? I got my wish, right? WRONG again, Col. Sanders. See, this new gluteus maximus brought with it an equally sizable abdominal ginormous.

My idea of having a “fit” body is simple: my thighs shouldn’t meet in the middle and my breasts should be more pronounced than my stomach. At a whopping 192.6 pounds, my thighs have become kissing cousins and, well, let’s just say it’s a photo finish as to whom is winning the race between SeƱor Belly and Las Tetas. Pure sadness.

How I let myself get this way is besides the point because it’s not like it is New Math or anything: I don’t exercise + I eat a lot of junk = Fatty McFat-Ass Penzo. The End.

But you know it's bad when my ponk-ass landlord calls me fat. YES. HE. DID. Child, if it's noticeable, something needs to be done post haste. And well, in the meantime I will just stare at my booty in the mirror before it leaves me once again

Don't be surprised if, when you see me out, I'm only eating carrots, celery and lettuce *stank face*

*smooches...contemplating a Minaj-like surgical procedure
shooo, my aunt got one in DR; why can't I?!?!

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Cougar Status Not Wanted. Gracias.

I was having a conversation with a friend last month about the frequency with which she’s hit on by younger men. I, too, have been on the receiving end of that sort of attention. While it’s fun and cute and flattering, I already know going into any situation with a younger man that it’s only temporary and therefore I don’t take it seriously. And maybe that’s the wrong attitude to have but that’s where my head is right now.

See, these young bucks only see Raquel or Jaded as a stand-alone entity when in fact she’s a multi-faceted package that includes kids and a close-knit network of family and friends that nine times out of ten will come before any man. And the mood swings, LAWD JESUS you have no idea about what it takes to stay in my good graces. It's work. LOTS OF WORK. Your age might just work against you when Jaded McMooderton is around.

When younger men approach me with their little invites to go out, all I’m thinking is “I’d never want you around my kids or my mother.” Chances are that’s what they’re hoping, too, but to me it’s just not worth it. If we’re not building towards something permanent what’s the point of all the countless movies and dinners and sex sessions? The idea of dating and fucking for dating and fucking’s sake just stopped looking cute to me. It occurred to me that perhaps it was never cute and how stupid and foolish and slutty I must have appeared to have jumped from dude to dude as if they were disposable underwear.

Sure, one could argue that there is a twenty-something man out there that is wise beyond his years, doesn’t live at home, can be a head-of-household and the in-house father figure to my impressionable daughters (not to be confused with an ACTUAL father, which they already have, thank you very much; so don’t come up in here thinking you’re the boss of them n shit...I digress). And if that is your argument, please, let me show you this nice selection of bridges I have for sale…if you act now I’ll throw in a rainbow unicorn and a trip to the Lost City of Atlantis.

It's become plain to me that I prefer older men. The ones I’ve been dating since I was old enough NOT to date (did I mention that when I was twelve I was “involved” with a much older man? The thought of it makes me cringe now, but back then you couldn’t tell me nothing!). I don’t know where the fuck they are right now, though; probably out dating twenty-something year-old women... but if you find one that isn’t messed up in the head about women and maybe wants one more baby, give him my URL.

I refuse to become this caricature of myself, this 'cougar' so many joke about. I'd like a real man, please. Of the grown-up variety.

*smooches...changing my 'list' everyday*
I swear the only constant in my 'list' is that I don't know what I want lol

Monday, December 06, 2010

Don't Get Caught With Nasty Food

Once I went to an engagement party for my mom's friends that was long and drawn out, but I sat patiently through all the praying and foolishness because the food smells were calling to me. When it came time to eat...the chicken was bland and undercooked, the rice flavorless and god knows what else because I checked out mentally after that riceFAIL. Horrific disaster!

I'd really hate for my readers to get caught out there with the yucky holiday fixins, so tonight on Monday Musings we're doing a Holiday Cooking special with the homie Darius T. Williams of Everyday Cookin'.

From a simple cocktail party to your holiday feast, tune in tonight to avoid having me talk about your nasty-ass food on my blog.

*smooches...showing my food-snobbiness*
there's nothing worse on the planet than bad food at a party. or bad food anywhere, BLECH, just don't so it!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Jaded Photographs 2010: December Edititon


*smooches...reminiscing about the good ol days*
I used to have this collage prominently displayed in my dorm room; I forgot how much I loved it!

Friday, December 03, 2010

Go Outside And Live LIFE!

"Our culture is obsessed with 'reality' precisely because we are experiencing hardly any."

-book description of Reality Hunger: A Manifesto by David Shields

*smooches...vowing to live more from now on*
I spend entirely too much time in front of the computer screen. and then I wonder why my attention span is at 4.2 seconds...

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Taking The Show On The Road

Although it is proving to be a lot more of a hassle than I expected, on December 11th I will be hosting a reading in Washington, DC. That's right- the same gathering of writers and poets some of you have had the pleasure of witnessing in Manhattan and Brooklyn is traveling south to bring some literary goodness to the Nation's capital.

Why would I add this stress in my life? Well, why not? I have a good story I'd like to share, and maybe I don't want to wait until the January reading here in New York to share it. Or maybe I'm hoping to gain a new audience. Or maybe I'm expecting to be discovered in DC since NY isn't showing me the love I thought it would.

Whatever the reason, I'm planning to be #PublishedBy2011, and it's not going to happen by limiting myself to the three people that come to my NYC readings. I don't believe my own hype; I need more people. And if I have to go to DC to get them, then so be it.

If you're in the area on the 11th I expect to see you. Please, I'm not in the mood to threaten you today...

*smooches...excited for this new venture*
and be on the lookout for readings in other cities, too, in 2011. I ain't playin witch'all, I'm getting published next year!

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Will Get Me Shot

10- Doctors and insurance companies are in cahoots with the government to keep us in fear of our inevitable deaths, over-medicated and dependent on the latest news items from The New England Journal of Medicine, or as I like to call it, The Quack's Bible.

9- Healthy food costs more money so that poor folks will have a hard time maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Why? See number 10.

8- The Pope isn't really Catholic and he's had sex before. With multiple partners. Lots of them of the same sex AND underage.

7- Google is really SkyNet in a very thinly veiled disguise and has already begun to think for itself. The impending robot war is close at hand.

6- Obama is really a White dude with an afro wig and a tan ala C. Thomas Howell in "Soul Man."

5- JFK was not shot by Oswald. Has anyone ever looked into what old man Onasis was doing that day? Mhmm. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..."

4- The graphic novel-turned-TV Show, "The Walking Dead," is really NRA propaganda. How convenient that the best way to defend yourself against a zombie invasion is with a firearm. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, FAKE MOSES Charlton Heston! I see right through you! I don't care if you're dead!

3- We never landed on the moon, and if you look real close at the footage of the "moon landing" you can see the cables attached to the "astronauts" as they walk around in "space."

2- There are hidden cameras in my apartment and my phones are tapped, because my landlord is a member of some sort of terrorist cell and The Man thinks I'm a part of it. This doesn't stop me from walking around in the buff, though. If you're gonna watch, shiiiiit, I'm gonna give you a show. The SHOW OF A LIFETIME!

1- Sean Combs and Suge Knight orchestrated Biggie & Tupac's deaths, respectively, to line their own pockets with millions in record sales. Rat bastards. That's right, I said that shit. AND WHAT?!?!

**This post has been brought to you by a food coma, drafty apartment and keyboard courage. If I end up dead because of a 'mysterious' or 'unfortunate' accident, you'll know why. Avenge me.**

*smooches...writing these things because I can*
Who gon' check me, boo?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Let Me Explain These Life Changes Real Quick

So last week I told y'all about the 14-Day Get Yo' Shit Together Challenge I started and what my goals were, but I failed to mention some guidelines for said challenge in case others wanted to participate and change something in their life. Since I already wrote it out for myself and then again for Mari via BBM, here are the basics to getting started on a brand new, fabulous you:

1- Determine your problem/what keeps you from not being in order. For me it's instant gratification. I'd rather have fun now and work later, except I never end up working later and end up wayyy behind on stuff. It's a terrible habit that I am working on changing because it not only affects the way I keep house but also how I approach relationships (romantic and otherwise).

2- Figure out a good ATTAINABLE schedule for yourself. I'm only giving myself 3 chores or less a day, that way it's less daunting than, say, WASH ALL CLOTHES TODAY. Anyone that's ever seen the amount of laundry in my apartment knows what a task that would be, so instead I kept it simple- two loads a day for the entire two weeks. That's small and easy and doable.

3- Place your to do list where you are sure to not ignore it. I'm a visual person so I will have it sticky'd to my computer. Figure out a good place to post your own goals so you won't forget them.

4- Decide what's truly important right now. I kept putting things that could wait ahead of things that were more urgent. Like, I'd buy a new hairbrush instead of washing the old one out because mine was looking EH when really I should have put that money into the gas bill. And if you've ever shopped at Ricky's you know- you go in there for a hairbrush and you leave with about 20 other things you didn't need. Now there's no Christmas because I just had to have a button warning people that I was off my meds. Priorities; I'm trying to learn what that word really means.

5- Do not take on extra work if you get done early with the daily task. Relax with some ME time so you can rejuvenate for the next day's TO DO LIST. Trust me- some people will be all, "Why put off until tomorrow..." Do me a favor and smack that person in the face right now. You need rest. Don't deprive yourself of it like I've done my whole life. It's not fun, at all. What I wouldn't give to be able to relax for once in my life. I actually have to teach myself how to relax...ain't that some shit?

Those are the rules in a nutshell. If you think you need more guidance or one-on-one help, don't call me until after December 14th. My calender is fully booked until then.

*smooches...determined on becoming a better, cooler more rested me*
...or die trying...

Monday, November 29, 2010

I May Regret This...

This week I'm doing something a bit crazy with Monday Musings. You ready for this? Tonight, if you tune in LIVE and call in with a question, about me or anything, I will answer it honestly in a segment I like to call "Ask Jaded..."

The lovely Smarty P. Jones will be wearing her journalist's cap as she plays interviewer to my interviewee. Did that make sense?

Basically- you email her at OR call in during the Live broadcast and you can ask me anything about anything. That's right- anything about anything.

Just...don't make me crawl throw the phone to beat your ass, okay??

*smooches...excited and nervous at the same time*
I'm curious to see what y'all want to know about me

Friday, November 26, 2010

The 14-Day Get Yo' Shit Together Challenge

December is creeping up on me fast, y'all, and although I don't really do resolutions per se, I’m on a quest to stay so busy that the bluesy-blues won’t have time to catch up to me. Plus I’m thinking this leg thing is probably kind of serious (and Mari totally yelled at me because my illnesses could be diabetes-related, which is rampant in our family and ultimately killed my grandmother), and I’m pretty sure I’m tired of being broke and in debt so I have to rectify these situations soon, too.

Because I’m a TO DO LIST type of person and need consequences to get things done, I figured this post could be my TO DO LIST and you all seeing it and yelling at me if I don’t complete it will be my consequence. And feel free to be as obnoxious as you want to be with it, too. I'll only ignore your bbms or call you a poopie-faced devil. Deal? Deal!

Beginning November 28th, I will embark on a 14-day mission to start getting myself back in order. By December 14th I will have:

>>a clean and organized apartment. It’s not that big. We don’t have a lot of stuff. There’s really no reason for the mess except laziness. I have sectioned off the tasks by area for each day of the challenge so that it’s not so overwhelming, and of course, I have the babies doing their share (seeing as 77% of the mess is theirs!).

>> a “clean” body OR a plan to get it that way. Yes, I will see a stanky-ass doctor, okay?! I will see about getting some of that free healthcare NYC offers and go to a mangy ol clinic and let them test me from here to eternity to see what is wrong with my leg. I will not give attitude, I will not fight and I will not storm out of any waiting rooms.

>> a plan to clean up my credit. There’s no way to fix the money mess I’m in during the 14-day challenge, but that is enough time to get my credit report, see what’s up and begin to repair the damage. This will [have to] include a plan to make more money and reduce spending, yet again, but whatever. Anything to stop whomever it is that keeps calling from that 877 number from showing up on my caller ID 10 times a day!

>> a writing schedule in place. One that I will stick to for the entire 14 days and continue afterward. All the great working writers I know of say the same thing: write every day as if it were your job. I mean, it kind of is my job but I've totally neglected some of my creative projects by letting LIFE get in my way. And that's no way to launch an empire!

>> a list of junior high schools to look into for N. Lawd JEEEZUSSSS this process is grinding my gears, but if it's the last thing I do I WILL narrow down her middle school choices to a short list of places that will a)provide her with the best preparation for high school and b) not be so far out of our way that the commute will unnerve me. Of all the tasks, this one might be the one to kill me.

I'm pretty sure I've written a post like this before, towards the end of the year, promising to do that, swearing I'm going to do this, but the difference this time around is that I'm desperately trying to avoid that bottom-of-the-barrel feeling I had just two summers ago when my depression got kinda serious (thanks A LOT, jury duty!!). Trust me- it's not where I want to be ever again!

What do I hope to get out of this? Well besides a spotless apartment and the ability to run, skip and jump in heels again, I want the peace of mind that I’m hoping will come when all of this is checked off my list. In turn, the bluesy-blues will have to take up residence with someone else and the commuters on the B41 bus will be safe from my wrath once again.

And isn’t that what we ALL want?

So, who wants to join in? What do you want to accomplish by December 6th?

*smooches...nervous about putting this out there*
Lord help me if I don’t finish...I’ll be SO mad!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

We Be Thankful, Yo!

Our biggest challenge wasn't me roasting a chicken even though I'm grossed out by the sight of a dead piece of poultry, or the clogged sink that decided to act brand new since last night, or the three field mice set loose in the living room when Mami tried to use the pool's wet-vac to fix the sink's clog.

It wasn't the apple pie that spilled over in the oven and filled the kitchen with smoke and set off the fire alarm, or our dinner guests who missed their bus and couldn't join us for dinner, or our other guests showing up an hour early when we were still cooking and looking a hot mess.

The biggest challenge of the night, hands down, was trying to fit all the leftovers in Mami's already crowded refrigerator.

But we're ever so thankful that too much food is our main concern tonight, and that each and every one of the aforementioned challenges were solved via family teamwork.

Here's hoping your holiday was just as fulfilling.


* stuffed I can barely see*
I seriously wish you could have seen how we finally trapped these mice *SMH* We were a hot mess, but we got 'em!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

And That's Why I Have No Faith...

Sign seen at someone's desk:

"Faith is not believing that God can, it's knowing that he will."

* this sign the thumbs down*
also, I saw this in a government building...isn't that against the law or something? I'm gonna call the ACLU because I feel violated...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ms. Jaded CrankyPants McBluey

It happens every year. I can’t even believe I’m still surprised when I feel the bluesy-blues coming on because as soon as we have to turn the clocks back my mood levels plummet. Every. Year.

Suddenly, everything I’m doing seems pointless and undoable; I yell at the babies more; I daydream about strangling my fellow commuters; and nothing feels like a better solution than throwing myself on the couch, under the covers, until spring.

All of the things I don’t like about myself or my situation get magnified in my mind. From my financial situation to my physical health, anything can make me get depressed and weepy and, frankly, quite useless for the rest of the day.

What’s worse is I’m aware of all this and I can’t will it away. I’m not in control of this downward spiral but I sure do have a front-row seat for it.

I know what you’re thinking- exercise gives you all the natural mood-elevation you need. Right? That’s what you were thinking, right? Here’s the problem with that. Have you ever had an operation that required you to be under anesthesia? Remember that feeling of having to be pulled out of it, when your brain is awake but it can’t make your body move, not even your eyes? And for a split second you’re terrified because it’s almost as if you’ll never get out from under, like you're buried alive? You’ll be mentally aware but unable to move? That’s me right now. I’d like to activate the endorphins in my body but I can’t even muster up the strength to put my shoes on to leave the house.

Besides, I’m not able to do anything strenuous because there’s something wrong with my feet and legs (this time I don’t suspect cancer but rather gangrene. That’s right; my legs are now gangrenous and will probably need to be amputated. That’s my diagnosis.). Sometimes it’s a struggle just to walk from the couch to the bathroom. I feel a hundred years old, like I’ve failed my body so now it’s turning against me, but I can’t see a doctor because I don’t have insurance. (Thanks for my health insurance, Obama!) This cycle of woe-is-me-isms has no end...

Le sigh

The season, the holidays, life in general...I’m just not in the mood for it all right now, you know?

*smooches...wishing I had solutions that work*
or lots of alcohol to numb the pain and a sugar daddy to pay my bills. I'd emerge in the spring well-rested and ready to work!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sometimes You Just Gotta Let It Go

We all know that I was stuck in a bad marriage for far longer than I should have. The saddest part about that is I'm not the only one I know who's done it.

Most times couples stay in a bad situation for what they think are the right reasons, but honestly there isn't a good reason to be miserable. And that's where this week's Monday Musings comes in.

Join me tonight as Alex of The Refined Ghetto (or as you remember him- Jack of Jack's Gay Chronicles) and I walk you through the warning signs of a bad relationship and the steps you need to take to end it.

Hmmm, I just read over that sentence. It reads hella serious but if you know us like I think you know us, there will be far too much foolishness for this to be serious. Still, the wealth of information and experience Alex and I have on this topic...yeah, you might want to tune in.

* of MOST of my toxic relationship*
eventually all of the dead weight will be cut off. can you say the same? if not, tune in.

Friday, November 19, 2010

"And Cue The Applause..."

I know it's not Smarty Jones' birthday, and it's too soon for Christmas, but K & N just HAD TO gift her this wonderful video of their latest dance routine in response to the COON Smarty's daddy is cookin' for Thanksgiving.

K suggests the whole family watch the video together as they eat.

*smooches...chock full of Jazz hands*
I laughed so hard putting this together it's almost criminal!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Truer Words...

"Everything I faked with my ex I want for real."

*smooches...remaining hopeful for the future*
I cannot afford to become ye ol cat lady...I'm allergic to pet dander!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Humpday Musical Interlude And Randomness

I watched Going the Distance last night... Drew Barrymore & Justin Long and all the supporting characters and the writers just...OH MY GOD I laughed until it hurt and I need you all to buy me this film and get me a meet n greet with the writers. Pure genius.

I have a problem with follow-through. Relationships, projects- doesn't matter. My follow-through SUCKS ASS and will probably be the thing that keeps me from being truly successful.

This song, Caraluna, couldn't be more amazing if every time it played a bowl of Atomic wings showed up on my table.

I got some writer's block going on, but it's more self-imposed. I'm doing too much these days so of course I don't have time to write. NaNoWriMo is just NOT happening for me this year. I haven't even logged on since November 1st.

I'm taking K to her first concert this weekend and she's uber-excited. It's so cute. Her first concert. She'll remember this always and I'm so glad I could be a part of it.

Ahhhh. It felt good to get those thoughts out of my head.

*smooches...being random because I can't focus*
everything is just too much. too. much.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Top 10 Reasons Why I Need To Take My Health Seriously

10. One lousy night of dancing killed my body so much I had to miss a day of work.

9. I look about four months pregnant. On an empty stomach.

8. I actually told myself, "Liposuction isn't ALL bad" the other day and meant it.

7. My fat jeans are too tight.

6. Something is wrong with my legs, and I suspect it's tied to all the Ramen I've been eating.

5. That pain in my side is back.

4. I noticed some god-awful back fat in the mirror the other day.

3. My skin, nails and hair are starting to show signs of wear and tear.

2. climbing the stairs to my apartment makes me so tired I take a nap on the couch as soon as I get home.

1. My grandmother died of diabetes-type complications, my aunt has had open-heart surgery twice, and the Penzos are riddled with cancer.

Basically, I need to get my shit together fast.

*smooches...hoping I still have time to make it right*
my biggest fear right now is what my test results will say after I visit all manner of specialists *sigh*

Monday, November 15, 2010

Have A Drink On Me

Not ON me, you pervs... you know what I mean!

It's Monday Musings time once again, and I'm trying to make it all the way to the new year without a break. So even though I'm in all manner of pains from this weekend's shenanigans THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

And what better reason to get up and out of my sick bed than a Blogger Profile with my girl Keana "Kit" Prescod of Hello Drunky!

Tonight's Monday Musings will be all about Miss Thang and her new blog and venture as a spunky, sassy, freelance bartender in New York City. Plus of course we'll be dishing the dirt as only two ain't shit heffas can, so you don't want to miss this one!

*smooches...excited for all the tomfoolery*
if y'all think I'M crazy...sheeeiiitttt, you don't even know...

Friday, November 12, 2010

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 4

Technically, this conversation took place in GChat, but you don't just want the dirt, dontcha?!

ME: The hair. It has magical powers, you know.

FRIEND: Yes, yes, I know. People want to make sweet love to your bouncy curls.

ME: Ewwww! Why did I just get a visual of semen in my hair? Again? Hehehe

FRIEND: LMAO! Ewww! You gotta time it- wait. I’ve said too much.


FRIEND: But for the record, tuck and roll.

ME: Time it or swallow it. According to Kat Stacks :)


Tuck and roll, tho?

FRIEND: Don’t you ever fucking quote Kat Stacks to me again, you hear me?

ME: Oh, this made the blog for sure!

*smooches...taking applications for new friends*
because the ones I have ain't shit, for real! lol

Thursday, November 11, 2010

So Many Excuses

I'm exhausted.

I have to write from 9-5 for someone else.

I have to be a mom the minute I step into the house.

My apartment is a mess.

Something is wrong with my feet, uterus, sinuses and I need to see a doctor.

I'm clinically depressed.

Creditors are after me and it's stressing me out.

There's so much to do I can't focus.

I have nothing to say and no one wants to read it anyway.

And I'm exhausted. Again.

These are all the things I tell myself when I want to psych myself out of writing. They're very powerfully negative and debilitating and soul crushing, and I'm the idiot that believes it every time I hear them in my head.

But I have all these amazing creative ideas that I know will be great and I want to share them with the world and get the Jaded Empire off the ground. We will be so AWESOME. The entertainment world will bow down to us and kiss our rings like we're the Pope n shit, only better and less judgmental and Jesus-y not know how it survived before us and will do anything to keep us around. ANYTHING. I just know it can be that great.

This is my sisyphean struggle with The Voices. Some wish me well, some don't. They're all so loud, though, it's hard to know who's who and what's what. To their credit, they do keep the "Kill Whitey" Voice muzzled, so there's that...

*smooches...venting because I can*
that's the beauty of blogging. that and closing comments. POW!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sometimes I’d Rather Be Dumb

A recent conversation between the homie Marcin and I went a little something like this:

Marcin: So what happened with the boy?

*shrug* It didn’t work out. I hadn’t seen him in a while and when I called him on it he said, ‘it’s not like we were ever a couple or exclusive’ so that was that.


Raquel, I think you’re just too smart for these boys…

Is that all it is? I’m too smart? Do I intimidate the Y-chromosome with my book learnin’ and worldly ways? Can y’all not handle my goals, aspirations, busy lifestyle, large group of family and friends? Are my expectations of what an ideal relationship should be just too way out there? I’d really like to know, because there comes a time when I have to step back and stop telling myself “It’s them” when really, it’s ME.

And I don’t want it to be ME because once that happens then I might have to change. I’m too set in my ways for all that shit. I ain’t got time. I have a media empire to build so that my family will be set for life and the last thing I need to be worried about is some dude who thinks I’m too demanding or not affectionate enough. Fuck outta here with your whiny, pansy bullshit. I got shit to do!

But I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss having a +1 around; someone to take me out or stay in with to watch a game and smang (hee hee hee).

I guess the one good thing about this whole situation… the more it happens the less it hurts. This time around I didn’t even miss a beat.

*smooches…channeling this life experience into a book*
I mean really, why else would I be going through it?

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

He Feeds My Ego

I know we're not meant to be together. He annoys me more often than not and frankly, I don't desire him.

But he dotes on me, makes me feel wanted, like, well, I'm the only girl in the world.

It's terrible that I string him along like this, I know. Do you think I like being THIS kind of bitch? It's not me, it's my Ego. She likes the attention. She craves it like an addict. And when she gets that way it's just best to give her what she wants.

This will end badly- you think I don't know that? It will all blow up in my face one day and all I'll be left with is a vault of money I can dive into like Scrooge McDuck, but no man. No soul mate. Just sad and alone on my throne in my Jaded Empire. And that will be fine for a few years, I mean hell, it's fine now, but one day... one day the loneliness will be unbearable.

All because I let my Ego make that phone call and get his hopes up that maybe I was coming back to him.

Y'all...I ain't shit...

*smooches...hating the me that behaves this way
I'm gonna stop. I am. This isn't healthy. I promise, I'll stop for real. For real.

Monday, November 08, 2010

If You've Given Up On Radio, Too

It's Monday Musings tiiiiiiime! (Yes, when I wrote that, I was saying it in my head in the same annoying way Pauly D would announce T-shirt Time on Jersey Shore. I watch Trash TV. Deal with it!) And tonight I'm really excited about the topic...MUSIC!

Y'all already know I was a mega-super-star in a former life, and I do have my eye on a lusciously yummy Grammy, so yeah, we're doing this: The Jaded Indie Music Special!

Just as we did with the Evolution of Hip Hop series, I plan to chat it up with various independent artists, producers, etc about the music industry, how it's changing (for better or worse) and how the indie scene fits in with allllll that.

And thanks to segment producer Smarty P. Jones, we're heading to the Dirrrrrty South first with a peek into the lives on producer Brad Taylor (who, by the way, provided this year's Jaded Theme Music!), promoter Empress Journee and artist Ozy Reigns.

I don't want anyone to worry, though- just because we're inviting professional people on the show, there WILL be tomfoolery and shenanigans and things the FCC would rather I didn't say. Especially as I put on my homewrecker hat and seduce Brad over the air...wait- did I just say that out loud??

*smooches...getting the show back on the road*
so sorry for all the breaks, but, well, you know...

Friday, November 05, 2010

This Name

This week I approached a few members of the Jaded Empire for some advice on a possible nom de plume I was considering. My rationalization was that I wanted something separate from the blog and my articles, and something that sounded more Dominican. But mostly, I didn’t want to use the name Penzo.

Loyal readers know why, but for you newbies, I’ll spell it out: Penzo is my father’s last name. He and I do not have a relationship- bad or good. We just aren’t anything to one another. With me being poised to burst onto the literary scene with my genius (backdoor compliment!!), I didn’t want to somehow, inadvertently, have that success tied to a name that didn’t deserve it.

I wanted something that would distinguish me as my mother’s daughter, or something to honor my grandparents, or something that people would see and automatically know from whence my people came. The last thing I want is any of the Penzos going on TMZ talking shit about me because I’ve made the name famous. This is honestly something that plagues me and holds me back, hence why I proposed the pen name to my associates.

But the reality is I can’t do that. If I’m currently known at all, it’s as The Jaded NYer or Raquel Penzo. If I publish under a different name, how will you know it’s me? It’ll be like when Jennifer Grey had that nose job- she was unemployable afterward!

I heard this literary agent speak at a recent event about tips to writing the perfect pitch for your book, and one thing he suggested was for authors to already have a community of people who love their writing. Like I have you guys, right? Right! Well, this community of people know me as Jaded or Raquel, so that’s how you’ll know it’s me on the bookshelves, too.

In the end, regardless of how I got the name and what it means to be a Penzo here in the States or in DR, when applied to me, this name will mean greatness. No absentee father can take that away from me.

*smooches...putting to rest the whole name issue*
now I can focus on more important things, like the headshots for my book jacket...

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Sisters Before Misters

Once, in junior high school, I embarked on a budding romance with a classmate. He liked me and I liked him and it was all very exciting and hush-hush. It hadn't gone beyond flirting when out of the blue, one of my good friends told me she liked him. I immediately ended all potential happenings with this dude.

It happened again in college, before I met K&N's dad. There was a guy I was kinda sweet on and we were in the flirty stages when a friend confessed her feelings for him. Seeing as I was already juggling two suitors I let that one go, too, and moved on. This has basically been my m.o. my entire dating life- I cannot, in good conscious, be with a guy my good friend has feelings for, used to date or expressed interest in (sorry for the preposition there...feeling lazy today).

Most times it's because of the universal law of DIBS- if I didn't open my mouth and say, "I like this guy and am actively pursuing a lil something with him" then I must cease all crush-like thoughts of said dude as soon as someone else claims him. It's just how my brain works. Other times I know that my ADHD-having ass isn't really, truly interested in something real so I just step aside and let someone else try for real love.

Now, please don't mistake this as some backdoor compliment where I think I'm the shit and can take your man in one fell swoop. I mean, I probably could take MOST of y'all's mens, but that's not what I'm saying.

Too many times women are so bitchy, catty and back-stabby to one another. I hate that shit. If you're a female and you're among my close friends, please know that your happiness and well-being and friendship means the world to me, and I will always put that BEFORE some random dude with whom I have no real ties. Whether or not you skanky heffas are doing the same for me is besides the point- that's just how I roll.

Of course you know I'm writing this because I had this situation happen again, right? I had to pass on a dude because there was some grey DIBS situations happening, and in the end, I want the friend more than I want the guy. There are a million guys out there I can holla at. Hell- there are three security guards here at work I'd make out with instead of eating lunch if given the chance, but there's only ONE friend like her.

That decision is always a pretty easy one for me, especially since my feelings for dudes are always so fleeting. It would be such a wonderful world if females just took a moment to consider other females more in these types of situations. Seriously, it would solve so much! We'd be ruling the world n shit!

Think about it- half of the mean-girl, low self-esteem situations we deal with would cease to exist. Besides, who wants bitter bitches over for dinner eye-balling your man whenever you leave to use the bathroom? Nah, I can't handle the stress.

*smooches...steering clear of bad karma*
I almost called this post: Chicks Before Dicks, but then I felt like it made me sound like a lesbian. And it's okay if YOU'RE a lesbian; me and The Gays get along quite fine. Just, not in THAT way. In the boudoir, I prefer penis over vagina *side eye*

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

If You Want Me To Appear On Your Show...

When I was married, I was privy to a lot of the behind the scenes stuff at a college. For example, the tedious process of hiring talent to perform at big campus events. The powers that be obtain this magic LIST of people who are available to perform at colleges, their cost and the terms of their appearances. That's right- the infamous RIDER!

There was one performer that the school wanted to get but couldn't because he demanded Hennessy in his dressing room and the school was run by Jesuit priests. Hilarious!

I remembered that just the other day and thought- what ridiculousness would I put on my list just because I could?

*cue dream sequence*

The Jaded NYer's Rider:

1. Big Ass TV w/a DVD Player and the following DVDs- Buffy (seasons 1-7); John Cusack's entire filmography; The Anniversary Party; Love Story; West Side Story; Gone With The Wind.

2. A dance floor.

3. Popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies

4. David's sunflower seeds- the regular ones; no fancy flavors!

5. Planters UNSALTED peanuts mixed with Sunmaid Raisins

6. Room temperature filtered water

7. Tostitos Scoops w/medium bean & corn salsa

8. Stargazer & Calla lilies- NO BABY BREATH!!

9. One topless male Brazilian soccer player

10. One topless male Portuguese soccer player

11. Full-size bed w/pillow top mattress & all the fixins

12. Janeane Garofalo

13. Josie (my former her in from Texas. Thanks!)

14. #theplate

15. Someone at whom to yell, preferably male

I may or may not use any of these things once in the dressing room, but if this entire list isn't met to a T?? I WILL walk out, contract or no contract!

*smooches...practicing to be a difficult diva from now*
hey- I have to give TMZ something to talk about!

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

I’m What’s Known As A Halloween Grinch.

I don’t like dressing up, I don’t like trick-or-treaters and I hate going out when the entire City is also out and about. Basically, I hate doing what everyone else is doing. You say white I’m going to say orange, just to be difficult.

But this year I relented because it was my cousin’s birthday and he was DJ-ing at a spot on E. Houston. It took me forever to actually get motivated to leave Brooklyn because I was nursing my ego after being rejected by yet ANOTHER literary magazine, but I grabbed a partner in crime and got there at about 1AM. My costume? I dressed as a 35-year-old mother of two who was ripped from her comfy couch and Law & Order: SVU marathon to deal with drunken fools in the street *side eye*

At first I was annoyed because the trains were acting up and then THIS:

But once I got to the bar I met up with a cute, flirty bouncer, another cousin was there, too, and then THIS:

And this:

Aaaaannnnnnnnd THIS:

It was allllll downhill from there.

This dude in the glasses kept staring at me all night!

My cousin Will and his crazy wig n disco shirt!

Will's YUMMY friend. The things I woulda done to that boy...
um, I mean, he was a nice guy O_o



The white DJ who actually played some good stuff.

The world's oldest condom...

What was left of my buffalo wings at the end of the night.

I got home at 7AM. Need I say more?

*smooches...still tired from Saturday night*
I think my body was so tired that it summoned my period a whole week early to punish me!

Monday, November 01, 2010

I Might Vote Again This Year! ***UPDATE***


The first time I voted was in the most recent presidential election...and look how GREAT that turned out *rolls eyes* Still, I'll be at the polls again tomorrow because for New York it's a biggie- we're choosing a new governor. And I don't know about the rest of the state but Paterson gets on my DAMN nerves and chances are he won't be getting any support from the Jaded Empire.

So of course tonight's Monday Musings is all about VOTING and the many reasons why you should with our fabulous co-host, The F$%k-It List.

Listen, I used to be like you, apathetic to the Washington machine, preaching the whole, "my vote doesn't make a difference" schpiel but UGH! I gotta voice my opinions on term limits AND get that lame duck Paterson out of Albany before he destroys my home state!

Won't you tune in tonight, and spread the word to your non-voting friends? Gracias!!

*smooches...taking a moment to make a difference*
and I promise to keep the conspiracy theory talk to a minimum. PROMISE!!

Friday, October 29, 2010

"God And Other Artists Are Always A Little Obscure"

It’s a chilly Friday here in good ol’ Brooklyn, so I’ll keep it simple and pleasant today.

The Jaded NYer is a lover of the fine arts- you heard it here first. Now, I was only afforded the gift of the written word in that category, but I still love to surround myself with everything artistic that is at my disposal. Good music, great photography, beautiful paintings, thought-provoking cinema, and the fluidity of the ballet- you know I love it all. So today I want to draw your attention to two painters that I’ve met recently that have made me step back and just go, “WOW” that I think you all will love.

First up is Brian Kirhagis, an artist from Baltimore residing in Long Island whose work was so beautiful I wrote a feature article on him for XI Magazine (you can read it by clicking here). My favorite piece is Tied Up, and the story behind the painting is even better than the work itself!

The other artist, Emma Trincal, I only met yesterday on my way to K’s school for parent-teacher conferences. She’s showing some magnificent paintings at ShopTalk & Art Gallery (on Lafayette across from BAM) until November 4th and TRUST ME- you’re going to want to see her stuff. One oil painting in particular caught my eye, Night Visitor, so if anyone has a G to spare and wants to get it for me, I’ll be forever grateful.

With all of this beauty waiting for you in this wretched world, why don’t you all forgo all this paganistic Halloween crap this weekend and indulge in some fine art instead?

*smooches...wishing you a safe and art-filled weekend*
When you check out these artists, tell them Raquel sent you...