Top 10 Things Some NYers Trick Themselves Into Believing

10- Tasty-d-lite is delicious. Because it's not. It's sort of like eating frozen, blended cardboard.

9- Shake Shack is worth the three-hour wait in line. Puh-leese! You know who makes awesome shakes, no wait? My grandfather.

8- It's okay that a rat just walked by you on the subway. That's NEVER okay.

7- A restaurant with a B-rating from the health department is still safe to visit. Considering the A-rating means there were only "minimal" animal droppings in the kitchen, you might want to reconsider.

6- $2500 a month for a 1-bedroom is reasonable. My mother owns a 5-bedroom house in New Jersey that costs less. Get a clue!

5- Riding in the subway car with the conductor is safe. How? THEY might be safe behind the locked door, but you're still ripe for the killing. Get you some mace and a taser!

4- Watered down drinks that cost at minimum $12 is average. SUCKAS!! There's no way in hell I'm getting anything less than FUCKED UP for $12.

3- Going to Central Park = being out in nature. You do realize it's a man-made park, right?

2- A small coffee should cost $5. When the fuck did this become the norm?

1- Times Square is better now without the pimps and hos. Guess what? With all the shit fixed up to accommodate tourists, WE'RE the hos and King Daddy Bloomberg is now our pimp.

*smooches...still in love with this City*
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sometimes I'm like, WHY do I put up with the bullshit? then I remember...because we're fucking awesome and you're not. rats and all.

Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Will Get Me Shot

10- Doctors and insurance companies are in cahoots with the government to keep us in fear of our inevitable deaths, over-medicated and dependent on the latest news items from The New England Journal of Medicine, or as I like to call it, The Quack's Bible.

9- Healthy food costs more money so that poor folks will have a hard time maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Why? See number 10.

8- The Pope isn't really Catholic and he's had sex before. With multiple partners. Lots of them of the same sex AND underage.

7- Google is really SkyNet in a very thinly veiled disguise and has already begun to think for itself. The impending robot war is close at hand.

6- Obama is really a White dude with an afro wig and a tan ala C. Thomas Howell in "Soul Man."

5- JFK was not shot by Oswald. Has anyone ever looked into what old man Onasis was doing that day? Mhmm. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..."

4- The graphic novel-turned-TV Show, "The Walking Dead," is really NRA propaganda. How convenient that the best way to defend yourself against a zombie invasion is with a firearm. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, FAKE MOSES Charlton Heston! I see right through you! I don't care if you're dead!

3- We never landed on the moon, and if you look real close at the footage of the "moon landing" you can see the cables attached to the "astronauts" as they walk around in "space."

2- There are hidden cameras in my apartment and my phones are tapped, because my landlord is a member of some sort of terrorist cell and The Man thinks I'm a part of it. This doesn't stop me from walking around in the buff, though. If you're gonna watch, shiiiiit, I'm gonna give you a show. The SHOW OF A LIFETIME!

1- Sean Combs and Suge Knight orchestrated Biggie & Tupac's deaths, respectively, to line their own pockets with millions in record sales. Rat bastards. That's right, I said that shit. AND WHAT?!?!

**This post has been brought to you by a food coma, drafty apartment and keyboard courage. If I end up dead because of a 'mysterious' or 'unfortunate' accident, you'll know why. Avenge me.**

*smooches...writing these things because I can*
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Who gon' check me, boo?

Top 10 Reasons Why I Need To Take My Health Seriously

10. One lousy night of dancing killed my body so much I had to miss a day of work.

9. I look about four months pregnant. On an empty stomach.

8. I actually told myself, "Liposuction isn't ALL bad" the other day and meant it.

7. My fat jeans are too tight.

6. Something is wrong with my legs, and I suspect it's tied to all the Ramen I've been eating.

5. That pain in my side is back.

4. I noticed some god-awful back fat in the mirror the other day.

3. My skin, nails and hair are starting to show signs of wear and tear.

2. climbing the stairs to my apartment makes me so tired I take a nap on the couch as soon as I get home.

1. My grandmother died of diabetes-type complications, my aunt has had open-heart surgery twice, and the Penzos are riddled with cancer.

Basically, I need to get my shit together fast.

*smooches...hoping I still have time to make it right*
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my biggest fear right now is what my test results will say after I visit all manner of specialists *sigh*

Top 10 Reasons Why I Can't Leave NYC...

...despite the fact that living here has me BROKE AS HELL!



10. The quality of pizza in other cities is truly sub par to Ray's Famous.

9. I require a daily dose of "crazy" that can only be found in the subways.

8. My family would never allow me to move the babies away.

7. Christmas in NYC...nothing compares to it!!

6. Something tells me I will not be able to start my media empire from Omaha.

5. I'll NEVER find a hairdresser like Josie outside of Washington Heights!

4. Every other city requires one to know how to drive...and, well, we all know my situation...

3. When the apocalypse comes, I'm 98% sure it will strike here first, and that way I won't have to deal with the fall-out.

2. My cool factor increases by 30% just by saying, "I live in New York."

1. Other cities have a 2AM last call. Here, I can party til 5!!!

*smooches...stuck here for life*
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and loving every minute of it!

Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Have a Man

10. Nothing feels better than sleeping ALONE diagonally on a Queen-sized bed!

9. My great grandmother angered some Yoruba gods back in the day and all her female decedents are doomed (blessed) with the single life.

8. My ADHD won't allow me to tolerate any one man for more than 13 years.

7. The last thing I need is some swarmy, skeezy pedophile anywhere near my babies.

6. Lloyd Dobbler has ruined me for all other men.

5. Because I'm royalty, and none of these "subjects" are good enough for me.

4. It's all about appearances- if you can't be eye candy, then gets to steppin!

3. I require 89.99976% of a man's attention, and I've been told that that's being greedy.

2. I'm still searching for that nerdy thug, or the thuggish nerd, or any combination thereof.

1. Plainly and simply: I'm a man-hating, whorish snob who finds it beneath her to deal with a species that is, essentially, sub-par to females with their incomplete X chromosome and smelly man-feet.

*smooches...enjoying the view from this pedestal*
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Now I don't want anybody
To get the wrong idea about me
I don't have nothing to hide
I want the world to see...

Top 10 Reasons Why It's Hard to be My Friend

10. I secretly hate you. Sure, to your face I'm all smiles and sunshine, but behind your back I'm plotting...

9. Once you stop being an asset, I'll drop you like a hot potato.

8. I know that you don't believe in my mission to meet and marry John Cusack, and I'll never forgive you for it.

7. I'm always broke. How can we enjoy life if my pockets hold nothing but lint?

6. I have daddy issues. No matter how nice your boyfriend is, I will always seek out his flaw, point it out to you and give him the side-eye whenever we all hang out together

5. I'm moody; I can go off at any moment and my wrath is fierce and far-reaching

4. Kids. I have them. They eat up my money and my time. They are a definite buzz kill.

3. I'll never tell you if you look fat in your jeans. That way I'll always be prettier.

2. I have a big mouth. You secrets? Not so secret if you tell me...

And the number one reason why it's hard to be my friend is:

1. No matter what your moral dilemma- if you come to me for advice, I will always lead you down the path of debauchery and eternal damnation. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

*smooches...with sunshine and side-eyes*
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it's a story as common as a penny, son
it ain't really worth anything to anyone
poor little sore little song
that aches like a muscle each time that it moves
sad little song that you play
and you play and you play
and you play 'til you lose