Friday, October 30, 2009

Today I Will (10/30/09)

I'm back again with another activity from "Enjoy Life and Be Happy in 30 Seconds," the book Irene bought for me this summer. If you don't know what I mean you can take a peek at previous posts here and here.

Activity #3: Today I will forgive someone who has hurt me.

This particular activity is asking us to let go of resentment and lighten our emotional load. Suggestions included a face-to-face meeting, a phone call or a handwritten letter. It specifies that you are not forgiving the act, just setting "...yourself free from negativity, bitterness and anger."

I was iffy on this one. When I started to think of the people that I feel hurt by there wasn't a very huge list. I already mended a friendship last week, so that just leaves... Mami and William R. Penzo.


I'm not ready to deal with Mami; she's going through some shit right now and the last thing she needs is for me to bother her with old crap. Therefore...ugh... William R. Penzo it is. It hurt me to think that my own dad was not a part of my life even though he lived like FIVE BLOCKS away. Maybe he did me a favor, seeing as he wasn't always on the best side of the law, who knows? Still, the little girl in me is hurt by that and feels rejected and unloved.

But that little girl is also holding the grown up in me back. Nothing can change what happened, and I have a GREAT dad in Papi.

Then again, by me bringing this up isn't it just going to fuck up his day? How is THAT helpful? And what if he wants to talk to me and shit? Will I have to then have an actual conversation with him? I HATE THIS BOOK!

I hear freedom is a wonderful thing, though. And I'm no wuss...

William R. Penzo, I forgive you.

Should I mail it, y'all?

*smooches...thinking this was the wrong week to do this exercise*
ahh, what the hell... I'm gonna mail it!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I Do Enjoy My Freedom, I Do.

I like that every other weekend my kids are away with their father and I am free to sleep late or roam the streets at all hours without a care in the world. I relish in the fact that if something is going on during the week that I really want to go to, I can ask K to babysit (at only $5/hr) and as long as I'm back at a decent hour everything is cool. And the biggest joy comes with the knowledge that my kids can feed themselves, wipe their own asses and understand and respect my authority.

It's a beautiful thing to be a parent of a grown child, to see them develop into these wonderfully intelligent, self-assured and independent ladies who will surely rule the planet (under El Generalissimo's tutelage, of course) one day.

Still, part of me misses that little baby that needed my body for nourishment, that slept every night tucked into the nook my body made just for her, that giggled with pure heavenly delight at the mere mention of me eating her belly. I miss all of that.

And while I have no intention of bringing another child into this world under my current circumstances, you already know... if the stars align and I become a Mrs. there will be more Jaded babies.


Because these...

...were beautiful days that I'd love to have again.

*smooches...for the ladies that help me realize what's important in life*
When I'm gone, I hope they know it was all for them, so that they could be and do it all.

Why yes, I'm still PMSing... why do you ask?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday Rantings Of A Hormonal Jaded NYer: Self-Sabotage

I can't seem to get it together. It's been a month with this new schedule and still I struggle to balance my two measly clients, my two daughters, friends, family and sleep. I keep telling myself to take care of me and finish what I need to finish but when faced with the task I cave like a poorly built house of cards.

There's so much I want to do. Some will say to "prioritize" but how do I do that when everything seems important? I've put so many things off that they're all important by now; they all require immediate attention... They all require 100% of me.

And so many of my immediate goals are dependent on this schedule of mine getting its shit together. I want to get more sleep. I want to spend quality time with the babies. I want to volunteer in my old neighborhood. I want to finish this MFA (DUE MONDAY, by the way!!) and then apply to graduate school for my next academic endeavor. I want to teach the babies Spanish. I want to enroll N in basketball and have time to take her to games and coach her. I want to take K to all the Broadway shows that interest her. I want to help Mami with her house.

I want all this and fun times, romance, additional avenues of income, a bigger apartment and most importantly- time to take a breath and enjoy my life.

But here I am- 3 days late on a work deadline, two weeks behind on my paper grading, 3 years late on my thesis and about 20 years behind on a good night's sleep, and all I manage to do regularly is blog and watch ER.

And then this morning N is all, "you promised to teach me Spanish, and when I ask you you always say 'tomorrow' and then tomorrow you never do it." That just broke my heart! I don't like to break a promise, especially to my kids. Yet here I am, breaking promises left and right. Late on deadlines. Failing miserably at the most basic of tasks. Ruining my credibility on both the personal and professional level.

Maybe this is just the PMS talking (actually I'm pretty sure it is) but I'm feeling that "find a hole to crawl into it and stay there" feeling. Hopefully that hole won't have anyone depending on me for anything.

*smooches...bracing myself for a rough 5 days*
And I know I'm being a whiny baby but whatever... it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I Used To Be A Science Geek

Sometimes I wonder about that little girl who actually looked forward to bio-lab. The girl who used to read the Science Times like it was the funny papers. The girl who wanted to immerse herself in the natural sciences, donning a starched white lab coat and save the world.

Turns out she decided to become a writer instead.

But every now and again, when no one is looking, she takes a moment to relish in her natural environment with child-like wonder.

* myself with nature and all its bounty*
you should try it sometime. it's very relaxing.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Things To Do In NYC This Week If You Wanna Remain Friends

#1- Tune in to Monday Musings as the lovely Claudia Mejia Heffner of Latina Beauty Blog tells you how to keep your skin healthy and protected this season and beyond. I'm doing this for both of us: you because your skin needs help and me because I don't want to have to look at your bad skin. Be there or be square!

#2- ADD TO YOUR CALENDAR: RSVP to Raquel by Monday, November 9th for The NYC Bloggers' Movie Date on Friday, November 13th. We'll be going to see, what else? 2012, starring JOHN CUSACK and a bunch of other people that nobody cares about. Maybe we can even grab a bite before or after. Either way, it's MOVIE TIME.

#3- Invite Raquel to join you for the Laura Izibor concert on November 3rd. Why? Because you love me and you love her and being with us in the same room is part one of your ménage à trois fantasy come true. Admit it.

#4- Meet up with me & other Halloween revelers at either one of the two parties where I plan to make an appearance. I may or may not vamp it up. I may or may not be drunk beyond repair. I may or may not need to crash on your couch...

#5- Chill with me in the West Village on Sunday for FOOTBALL, BEER and WINGGGSSSSS at a bar in front of HUMONGOUS TV screens. Jets AND Giants are playing at 1PM sharp so come on and lets cheer on our boys!

Now, get to responding to me at or our friendship will officially be on the rocks.

*smooches...checking to see who'll be added to the "naughty" list*
Don't make me have to call you out. Just DON'T. MAKE. ME.

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Jaded Bodega: Kiddie Edition

I hate to have to resort to threats and all that, but if you EVER think about abandoning this blog, I'm sending CJ to come get you.

That's right, CJ. Look at that face. He ain't playin' with you.

And notice the FABULOUS Jaded Mug he's holding? You can own one, too. Just click here for The Jaded Bodega. And if you don't... I'm sending CJ. WITH Thug Boogie.

*smooches...wondering if this is the best marketing plan for my brand*
just wait until I get more kids modeling my stuff... Olivia, you're NEXT!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Long Overdue: Grown-Up In Progress

If you know me in real life, you know that I am socially retarded. I have serious interpersonal skill deficiencies coupled with an unhealthy desire to have everyone like me. The worst thing in the world to me is to have someone mad at me or bad mouthing me all over town. I just want everything to be peaceful and happy and quiet.

I'm slowly but surely learning to let go of that and just be me, but we're talking some 30-odd years of behavioral conditioning to overcome, so excuse me if I take the scenic route to self-esteemville.

One specific area that I've always had a problem with is speaking up with friends, whether it be something they did to me or I did to them. I can only explain it as an anxiety that if I say what I really want to say, worse case scenario, they won't want to speak to me anymore. And then I'd lose a friend. And then there will be someone in the universe who didn't like me, maybe even wish me ill will. And everybody we had in common would also be lost or get caught in the middle. That's my equivalent of the END OF THE WORLD.

My typical way of dealing with these bumps in the friendship road? Stop talking to them. I know, genius... Shut up. I already know it's not the way to go so spare me the SIDE EYES and lectures.

For example, back in college my fiance (LOL!!) Cathi stayed with me for a few days before school started; I had an apartment off campus and she needed to be back at school early for sports-related stuff but her place wasn't ready yet. No problem, right? She and I are tight, right? WRONG. At this time I was dealing with a 2yr-old K all by myself (well not really, Irene was living with me) because C moved to Long Island for a job at a SUNY school, PLUS trying to finish school. So maybe I was already on the brink and didn't know it. Who knows?!

Anyway it was so long ago that I don't remember the exact cause of it, but I was upset with Cathi about something and cut all ties. I refused to return her apologetic emails, didn't call her, ignored her on campus- the whole nine. And this was one of my closest friends at AU. Still, I cut her the fuck off. Why? Because Raquel = hard-headed, socially inept drama queen full of righteous indignation who doesn't know how to speak up and instead throws a tantrum and cuts people out of her life.

A similar situation happened with Irene- TWICE! Instead of addressing the matter right away I just ceased all communications and held on to my, "Well I'm the hurt party here so I'm gonna hold on to this grudge and beat it into the ground until it can't be beat anymore, and then I'm STILL gonna beat it some more." That's how I roll, SON! Why? Because Raquel = hard-headed, socially inept drama queen full of righteous indignation who doesn't know how to speak up and instead throws a tantrum and cuts people out of her life.

And really, you'd think after these instances where I almost lost two of the closest friends I've had in my life I would have learned to deal with this shit better and not lose a friend over a simple disagreement or misunderstanding, etc, right? WRONG AGAIN. It happened yet again this summer.

True, it all came about during my meltdown (DAMN YOU, JURY DUTY! DAMN YOU TO HELLLLLLL!!), so part of me wants to say, "I wasn't in my right mind at the time. The stress of LIFE and DEATH and society's ills towards its fellow man made me do it," and that may very well be the case. I completely fell apart on the inside during that murder case and tried to hide it.

But I didn't have to drag it out until October. I've been in a better place since mid-August and never tried to seriously mend this relationship. Part of me still wanted to hold on to my, "Well I'm the hurt party here so I'm gonna hold on to this grudge and beat it into the ground until it can't be beat anymore, and then I'm STILL gonna beat it some more." But it's all so stupid, mostly because it was all so FIXABLE. Except neither party was willing to make that move.

But we finally did- met up, talked it out, mended those wounds. And in case I didn't come right out and say it, I'm sorry, and I accept your apology, too.

My main concern right now is learning how to get this shit under control before it even becomes a major problem again. A friend once told me that I internalize stuff too much, sometimes even blaming myself for what others do to me, and I see her point. But when it's all said and done, it takes two people to end a relationship so I can't just put it on the other person. I have to acknowledge my part in the situation.

All I know is I would like all this negativity inside me evicted as of now and moving forward into 2010. I just can't allow it in my life anymore. It's time that I just grew the fuck up.

*smooches...slowly learning that playing the victim is SO not cute*
and not only is it not cute, it's wasted energy that could have been spent planting a tree, reading a good book or drinking a kick-ass margarita on the beach.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

"This Is The Death Of Slumber; Moment Of Silence"

You already know what I'm gonna talk about... ya girl is quadruple booking herself as usual:

But I decided- I'm going to finish all this stuff THIS week so that NEXT week I can take a nap.

Sounds like a plan, right? WRONG. Because next week there'll be another list, and another and another until I flip out and take out everyone in my building. Especially that stupid cat from next door *side eye*

I snapped at my baby today while helping her with her homework. I never feel terrible about scolding these girls unless they don't deserve it. And she didn't deserve it. Momma was just STRESSED. Poor thing cried. I MADE MY BABY CRY! And then I cried. Thankfully K came to the rescue and helped her with her science assignment. Harmony was restored.

I think I see a weekend in Massachusetts/DC/New Jersey in my future. New York is wearing me OUT.

*smooches...with many hours to go before that nap can happen*
oh but it shall be the most glorious nap known to man... you'll see.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Stage Presence

Have you ever heard a song on the radio that you kinda dug, but not enough to look up the artist and become a fan? Everyone you know is really into this person- including the critics- and you see and hear them everywhere: collaborating with big-named artists, touring, appearing on late-night talk shows. Still, you only kinda dig that one song and don't feel the need to check this artist out.

Then one day you happen to catch them live and your entire position changes. Their energy, rapport with the crowd and ability to perform their ass of- it all changes your mind. All of a sudden you want to get your hands on everything they've ever recorded and you need to know all the words and lets face it- you want to be this artist's BFF.

That's what happened to me when I saw Estelle in concert on Friday.

And if you've never witnessed her awesomeness in person, get on that post haste.

Estelle had something that I covet so badly- stage presence. Well, that and a killer body and a great voice, but mostly it's the stage presence I'd like to steal from her.

When I envisioned myself as a writer, I pictured a life similar to Johnny Depp's in Secret Window, except without the murderous psychosis. Okay, maybe a little murderous psychosis, but not a lot. I thought I could just write from a little hideaway in Brooklyn, mail in my work and my agent would handle all the non-creative tasks.

But the deeper I delve into this writing life the more I realize that that is not a possibility. Do you know that I hardly knew what Stephen King looked like until I got older? Or Judy Blume? And I still don't know what the hell Lois Duncan looks like, but all of them made a great living as authors without being in the public eye. Today, however, in order to promote your work and generate interest you have to make the rounds: book store readings, panel discussions, maybe even a morning talk show and weekly magazine pieces.

But whatever happen to the dream of being a recluse? The motto of, "I'd like people to know my name not my face" I created for myself years ago? Is it this new "connected" world we live in? Is it no longer en vogue to hide behind my typewriter in last week's pajamas and last month's funk?

Why must I now think about public readings and networking events where I have to "be seen" and "sell myself" (not like THAT, pervs!). I'm not a boastful person by nature, and if given a choice I'd much rather sit in a corner of my bedroom watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs on my new netbook than schmoozing with people who may know someone who knows someone who knows someone who'll publish my work and pay me a tidy some for it. Isn't that the agent's job?

I know, I know. I'm being a whiny-faced baby head. I'll stop.

Still, someone help me out here: how do I get my hands on some of Estelle's stage presence? Don't make me snatch a strand of her hair and visit the santero...

*smooches...terrified of being recognized in the crowd*
I don't know about you, but my feeling is- once you stop being able to blend in with your surroundings that's when all the trouble begins...

Monday, October 19, 2009

Monday Musings W/The Jaded NYer...And No One Else...

So because Mari is a poopie-faced booger mcboogerton an extremely busy teacher and coach, she's unable to co-host this week's episode of Monday Musings, a literary discussion on the book, "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff.

Normally I'd throw a tantrum and cancel the episode, rescheduling it until further notice but fuck all you hos- I'm going at it alone.

So tune in tonight, especially those of you who read the memoir written by a father about his son's meth addiction, as we discuss the book, methamphetamine and addiction in general. Parents- you'll want to check this out because it really is a sort of cautionary tale on the dangers that are all around waiting to snatch up your child.

Also, there's no guarantee he'll remember, but last month I wrote to Mr. Sheff to tell him about the show, and he responded that if he happened to be in the country and had the time, he'd tune in and/or call in. I'm not holding my breath- he's a very busy man- but it'd be real cool if he did!

Hope to see you all there!

*smooches...taking my addiction addiction to the next level*
I've gone so far as to read a non-fiction book. Which I NEVER do. That's how you know I'm addicted to addictions. *sigh*

Friday, October 16, 2009

And That's Why They BOTH Got A Whoopin

There were many punishable offenses in my mother's house (poor grades, talking to boys, lying, breathing), but at Grandma and Papi's there was just one: fighting amongst ourselves. To me it seemed you could tear up the furniture, break a window and throw water balloons at the neighbors and STILL not get the chancleta, but let one of us raise a hand in anger to the other? NOPE. WHOOPIN.

As a kid this was ridiculous to me. I mean- they didn't allow us to go outside- what did they think would happen to a bunch of healthy kids locked up in a railroad apartment all day long? But then I got it... we're family, and the worst thing you can do is fight with family because they're all you got.

Fast Forward to 10PM-ish on Thursday night. I'm deep in the throws of an -itis induced nap when I hear a ruckus from the kids' room. N threw something at K so K threw it back and it hit N in the eye. LORD BE SOME PATIENCE AND A SHOT OF WHISKEY.

Then of course I hear the crying and arguing and THAT'S IT- both kids were called in to report to El Generalissimo.

"She threw something at me!"
"She hit my eye."
"I was just throwing stuff off my bed and it hit her by accident."
"She was mad because I filled out the form for the candy sales wrong."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? THIS is why I was lulled out of my slumber?

Nah, son. That's a whoopin.

1- for fighting
2- for being up past bedtime

Did you not catch that all this took place at like 10PM? When their bedtime has clearly been established as 8PM?

"What I told you about fighting? Since when do we throw things at each other like savages? And WHY are you both still awake?? Both hands out, both of you, NOW!"



My only regret was that I forgot to make them recite back to me why they were getting in trouble... parents PAY ATTENTION: if you choose to spank you gotta let them know why and it has to be a real reason and you gotta make the kid apologize for their behavior or lack thereof. Otherwise you're a bully and I'm calling CPS.

*smooches...not really in the mood for this shit*
and wasn't I JUST saying how well-behaved my kids are? That's what I get for bragging...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Jaded School Of Parenting: Lesson Two - Learn When To Ask For Help

I pride myself in being a whiz at dealing with children from babies to teenagers. My stern, yet fun and loving parenting style is known all over the blogosphere world and has produced two intelligent, independent and most-importantly well-behaved girls to date.

But even I, in my delusions of grandeur most infinite wisdom do not have all the answers. Many times I've called Mami about what to do about vomit (my Kryptonite) high temperatures and annoying coughs; where to get the best deals on kids' clothes and sometimes even a few hair issues. What I've come to find in all the years I've had minors under my care is this: you need to learn when to ask for help.

Now, I don't ask for assistance for myself hardly EVER, but when it comes to the babies I gladly lay my pride aside and confer with my fellow mommies.

And it's in this spirit that I come to you today, oh lovely readers, with a certain parenting issue that is about to unnecessarily drive me bonkers. So of course you already know it has to do with N, also known as Thug Boogie.

Everyday, when I pick Thug Boogie up from school it's the same thing: when we are already a block away from the school this little heifer is holding her crotch doing the PEE PEE DANCE talking 'bout, "I have to go real bad!" Every. Day. Without fail.

I've repeatedly asked her to use the restroom before the school day ends so that she's not walking through the street like some MJ impersonator (HEE HEE! SHAMON!) trying to foolishly hold her urine in with her hand but to no avail. So now we go through this choreography where she does this PEE PEE DANCE until I hand over the house keys, grab her book bag and tell her to run ahead to let herself in before she wets herself.

This, my friends, is not a new development. Ever since this Child of God was potty trained she's had the BAD HABIT of not using the bathroom until it's too late and it's an emergency. I've had to actually disembark from a train once, losing THREE subway fares, in order to find her a restroom. You don't even want to know what my stankness level was on that day... GRRRR!

So here's my dilemma: aside from addressing the problem with her teacher, who I'm sure has her hands full with more pressing issues than whether or not N went to the bathroom, how can I solve this annoying PEE PEE DANCE issue?

Let the mommies and daddies and recovering PEE PEE DANCErs come forward and advise...

*smooches...proving that it DOES take a village, bitchezzz*
normally El Generalissimo Mommy of BedStuy would just WHOOP the child into submission until she learned to urinate when *I* told her to, but something tells me that would be wrong.

So any advice would be most appreciative...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Not sure if it's a side effect of all the work I have to do or last week's blog vacation or all the event-hopping I've been doing lately, but I completely forgot to post something for today, and even after I realized my faux pas I was hardly concerned.

And that's not like me. I always have something to say and I always stay on top of this blog. I never remember to toss the garbage on the right day, and I buy new clothes rather than do laundry and many times I wait a month in between shampoos, but this blog is my baby. What's going on?

I've been thinking about it all day and you know what I concluded? I'm overwhelmed. Again. As usual. It should be my fucking middle name: Raquel Overwhelmed Penzo, at your service...

Here- let me write that article for you. And yes, I'll help you with your algebra homework and SURE I'll chaperone your school trip and why not... let me edit that for you.

I cannot keep up at this pace. My eating habits have become crappier than ever, the circles under my eyes are RI-DUNK-U-LOUS and I haven't visited my mom in god knows how long; I think since August. Meditating? What's that? Exercise? SPEAK ENGLISH!!

I'm like a chicken without a head over here. You ever seen one? A chicken who's head has been snapped off? It flops about for a bit with blood oozing out of its neck before it collapses. That's what I feel like.

This rant is my blood, oozing all over your computer monitor.

I'm not sure if you want to be around when I collapse.

*smooches... figuring I wasn't so speechless after all*
and for all my bitching and moaning, you know I'll be back tomorrow. Because that's what I do best: write this blog.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

On Closure

I'm sure there are chapters of psychology textbooks written about people who suffer from a lack of closure after a relationship abruptly ends; there has to be. Why? Because this shit is hella traumatic!

Imagine everything is cool one minute and the next, just like that, it's not. Or you have a dumb fight and then the other party involved drops dead. Or you're the Queen of Jaded-ville but allow your armor to be removed by someone you think is worthy and right when the last piece is ready to come off... KABOOM! IN YO FACE! GOTCHA, BITCH! And for what seems no good reason.

I know people will advise you to just go through it, feel it and then kindly let it go because it's out of your control. But sometimes I wonder if maybe those same people don't understand that the NOT letting go is also out of your control. Like, it's out of your control that watching a particular TV show will remind you of that person you lost. Or listening to a particular song. Or seeing a certain photo. Or spending time with a mutual friend or family member. How does one control those involuntary moments of woe that appear just when you could have SWORN you were at peace with your loss? Especially if they INSIST on popping in uninvited?

There is this strong desire to sit this "lost" person down and say everything you never got to say (I love you more than life itself), ask the questions you never got to ask (what did I do to make you change your mind about us?) and do the things you never got to do (throw a stiff drink in your face). Even after you've told yourself to let it go, those things linger in the back of your mind waiting for a trigger to allow them to resurface.

I have so many unfinished relationships in my 34 years. So many that I could be laughing one minute, all carefree and happy, and then fall into a fit of tears the very next minute at the overwhelming-ness of it all. It's like watching a TV show that was canceled before any of the major storylines were resolved. Or reading a great mystery novel all the way through, only to find that the last 50 pages are missing. FROM EVERY COPY EVER PRINTED.

Sometimes I wish it were enough to write it out. I wish I could just take one blog post and write:

I'm sorry I never called you back because you were my world and I was too selfish and stupid to see it.


I really liked you and was so hurt that you could so easily toss me aside with no real explanation as to why.


I don't understand what brand of asshole you'd have to be to do that shit to me and think it would be OK.

But even that would not be enough. None of it will ever be enough. My problem has always been that I want more than can ever be mine. Even if I had my second chance with my unfinished relationships I would still want more.

The only thing that helps keep me going, helping me to try and avoid the darkness I keep falling into, is the slap in the face from Mammy's (AKA Hattie McDaniel) words: wantin' ain't gettin'. So maybe I should just focus on being happy.

One of these days I'll learn to let you all go...

*smooches...with so much more to say to so many people*
but what's the point? none of them will ever get to read this. *sigh*

ps- new show is on the player... listen to it; t'was a good time!

Monday, October 12, 2009

New Babies, New Monday Musings Episode, Same Jaded (But Not Really)

Hello, hello, hello!!

How was everyone's week and weekend? Mine was pretty busy, stressful, crazy and tiring. But in a good way. It really helped to not have to worry about updating the blog every night, so much so that I almost forgot to update it today!

No worries, though- I always try to keep my word as much as humanly possible.

Here's some of what's been happening in my world since we last spoke:

New Babies
While at the mall buying N some shoes, I overhear the cashier say something about "free netbooks" so my nosy ass was all like WHERE??? See, now that I work from home K & I are constantly in each others' face about needing the computer. My solution was to get a netbook but of course the funds weren't there. Enter this cashier and her tall tales of "free netbooks."

Turns out Verizon was having a weekend sale- upgrade to or purchase a Blackberry Tour and get a free HP netbook (w/VZ service, of course!). I've been toying with the idea of getting a BB since I'm freelancing now, but was going to wait until Christmas. However, this deal was too good to be true. I took it as a sign and told myself: "If it's too much money then just walk away and go back to your original plan."

But after speaking it through with a great Verizon rep (my new BFF, Colin) I chose an option that works well with my current budget and lifestyle. That said, say hello to Phillip:

And Joshua II:

We are also looking to adopt a wireless all-in-one printer by Christmas, so if you hear of anything hook a sistah up!

New Monday Musings Episode
Do you like food? How about cupcakes? How about food AND cupcakes delivered to your door??

Then you might want to tune in to Monday Musings tonight, because Darius T. Williams of Everyday Cookin' is BACK to talk food n recipes and CUPCAKES!

Oh, you didn't know he started his own cupcake business in Chicago? See, that's why you need to tune in... that and the fact that a LUCKY caller will win some of these yummy cupcakes and even a home cooked meal*. And all you have to do is tune in...

Same Jaded (But Not Really)
Remember when I was talking about being open to re-marrying and having more kids? Right, well maybe I need to specify that I have not gone soft and I'm not looking to shack up with just ANYONE. I was just saying that instead of being all mean n shit I would actually welcome that "L word" into my life if it presented itself in a manner I found attractive and suitable.

All others need not apply.

This is real a departure from the OLD Jaded that would just be with someone to say she had someone without thinking of the long-term. And that's what's NEW; I'm taking the LONG-TERM into consideration: will you fit into my life? Will I fit into yours? Will I wake up one day wanting to stab you in the throat? Will my tantrums cause you to add strychnine to my whiskey in frustration? All legitimate questions that run through my head these days.

So please excuse me if my celibacy stays intact for longer than expected... all of a sudden my priorities have changed...

*smooches...gettin' all serious on you*
but whatever; you LOVE it.

*regarding today's contest- the cupcakes are a definite prize; the home-cooked meal is only a prize for callers from NYC because that's where I live and I'm not traveling to you to deliver no stinkin' ass prize.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Eating Right, Working Out... And A Vacation!

BRRRRRR! You feel that? That brisk, cold-ish air that whispers in your ear, "don't get out of bed to go to the gym... stay in bed, under the covers... eating a sandwich..." Well that air is a cock-blocking whore that wants you to be fat and lazy and out of shape. In fact, I suspect that air is working for a number of TV executives and physicians, because all it wants you to do is sit around, veg out in front of the boob tube and then have to see some quack about your "restless leg syndrome."

It's a scam. DON'T FALL FOR IT.

And the best way to avoid the trappings of this cold weather? By tuning in to Monday Musings tonight as Irene and I implore you to Get Your Fat Ass Off The Couch!

For those that don't know, Irene embarked on a fitness journey a while ago and has managed to lose over 50lbs by eating right and exercising regularly. (Meanwhile, my weight loss secret involves eating less than 700 calories and watching Netflix all day... but don't be like me. I'm sure my insides are all fucked up!)

This should be a great show so make sure you listen, dammit.

Now, about this vacation I've alluded to in the heading- I'm taking a mini-break this week as I adjust my schedule to include this new online course I'm teaching. The training modules I have to take are trying to crush my soul into bits and I'm on the verge of giving them all the finger in a fit of rage.

In order to avoid such thuggery, I think it's best to just take a few things off my plate this week (blogging, Twitter, going out), get my house, life and kids in order, and then come back Monday with a new episode of Monday Musings and some fresh words for you to digest. Deal?

Psssh! Like you have a choice!

*smooches...exhausted from just THINKING of all I have to do*
you know what's funny? I don't think I ever worked this hard when I had a full time job. Actually that's not really funny... nevermind... I'm gonna go lay in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep now...

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Jaded Photographs 2009: October Edition

"I'm So Brooklyn"

*smooches...from my favoritest spot in the world*
sometimes when it gets to be too much, it's nice to know that peace is only a 20 minute walk away...

Friday, October 02, 2009

"Greener Grass"


Join me and a slew of other fabulous NYC bloogers TONIGHT at Blog Cafe 1.0-

Who: Bloggers and Site owners
What: Networking event for bloggers/site owners and their readers.
Where: Katwalk NY* | 2 west 35th street, corner of 5th Avenue
When: Friday, October 2, 2009 6pm-9pm
Why: Because sometimes we can all use a little break from our Macs and PCs to network and mingle in person.

The FIRST 50 guests to show up with their Business Cards will receive a gift bag, courtesy of the participating Bloggers and site owners.

I will be there waiting to connect with all of my fabulous readers, as well as to mingle with my fellow bloggers & potential NEW readers, so come on out and enjoy yourself bitchezzzz!

And now the post...


I've had a couple of male readers tell me they stumbled upon my blog while looking for something completely unrelated to me, but decided to stay because of the profile pic:

Which is funny to me, 'cause it's like, "Really? That's all it takes to get your attention? Well, shit, then let me stock up on snug TShirts and VS bras!"

They also admitted to staying even after they realized my blog wasn't going to feature anything racier than my profile pic, and I'm flattered that my words keep you here (even if it was the Twins that invited you in).

HOWEVER, can I please explain that these things are NOT fun? At least not for me? And as soon as a plastic surgeon can guarantee that everything will be A-OK (and I can afford it) I'm gonna chop these bitches off?

And I don't want to hear from females who are all, "Oh I wish I had your problem!" Really? You want this problem? Really? The grass is always greener on the other side, eh? Let me outline it for you, deary...

1- I have permanent indentations in my shoulders from bra straps because of the weight of my breasts.

2- Sometimes, I have to turn the corner really carefully, lest I hit a small child in the head with my breasts. It's happened to poor N more than once. SMH...

3- Shirts never fit right EVER. No matter what I wear I look like a Hoochie.

4- Bra scars... they're not just for shoulders anymore... that's right- I have SCARS and BRUISES along my ribcage from mean old underwire cutting into my skin. BOOOO!

5- Running huuuuurrrrrrtttttsssss!!! No matter the sports bra, running has NEVER been easy for me.

6- Men stare at them all lustily and it's GROSS. Helloooooo, McFlyyyyy, my eyes are UP HERE!

7- Food n shit is always falling into my cleavage. Especially popcorn at the movies. Ugh!

8- Babies attack me. No, for real. They do. I must look like "lunch" to them or something.

9- Ladies: You know how your breasts get sore during PMS? Right, well imagine that soreness times 20 because I have all this MASS. Right.

10- Gravity. Is. A. Bitch.


So think about that the next time you dream about a breast augmentation. Consider yourself warned!

And yeah, my breast reduction surgery is just one lottery win (and flight to DR) away. Nothing you say will talk me out of it.

Except if you say that loss of nipple sensitivity is still a side effect of the reduction. Then I'm out. What's the point of living if you can't feel your nipples anymore? Ladies, can I get an AMEN?!

*smooches...doing my part for women everywhere*
Also of note for my smaller sisters, an augmentation will give you cantaloupe boobs, which are so noticeable and oh-so-not-cute!

PS- did you like all the gratuitous breast shots? I'm expecting at least 5 new male readers by the end of the day LOL!!!

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Now You Know What To Get Nana For Christmas

Ladies and Gentlemen,

After much procrastination and lallygagging and pussyfooting around, it is my absolute pleasure to invite you to the GRAND OPENING of my brand new, highly anticipated online store-

make custom gifts at Zazzle

Right now it's a small selection of Tees, mugs, a tote bag and stationary, but as crazy ideas keep coming to me TRUST that more items will be available. And YES, I know I promised you a calendar but the ideas aren't flowing so easily on that one; I've given myself until November 1st to get that bad-boy done.

Big up to ALL the people who made this possible- those that stayed on top of me to get it done, those that provided ideas for merchandise and those that will gladly part with their hard-earned money to support my megalomania!

I love you all dearly and hope that the store lives up to the standard of lunacy you've come to know and love from my Jaded Empire.

*smooches...hoping to add more merchandise every month*
and a special shout out to JACK for naming the store; he was trying to be funny but I loved it. What say you??