Friday, April 30, 2010

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 2

ME: So, what about me says, "Please send me a picture of your hard dick?"

Smarty P. Jones:

Smarty P. Jones:
Who sent you a pic?

I mean, I saved it, but still...

Smarty P. Jones:

Smarty P. Jones:

Smarty P. Jones:

Smarty P. Jones:

Smarty P. Jones:
*just dead*

*smooches...finding new ways to kill friends dead*
who's next? oh, and I called dibs on Smarty's music & movie collection so y'all heffas just BACK OFF!

Thursday, April 29, 2010

When All Else Fails

This has been an incredibly crazy/busy/exciting/tiring/[insert more adjectives that mean I had too much on my plate here] week for me. After a while without any real work to do I get slammed with THREE different clients handing me SIX different assignments. I'm forced to work around the clock, work on-site, wear real clothes, brush my hair- you name it.

This, of course, does not include all the things I do that aren't for money: spending time w/my kids, keeping house, maintaining this (and other) sites, personal writing projects, writing workshops and oh yeah, sleep.

Well I'm not used to any of it. It's stressing me out. I'm eating as a result of anxiety instead of hunger. Subsequently, my pants are getting snug again. *sigh* I need a clone.

And I don't mean to complain about any of the good fortune that has fallen on my lap in the last couple of weeks, but it's all happening at once and I wasn't ready for it. I feel like I brought a knife to a gun fight!*

Now we all know I don't put too much stock in religion or the Catholic Church or any of that hubbub, but the one thing I kept from my childhood for when there's TOO MUCH going on that I cannot escape is this:

Although I have to say- I could care less about Serenity and I PISS on courage... all I really want it that damn WISDOM! "Should I go for the job in PA?" "Does he really like me or is this a fling?" "Am I doing the right thing for my girls?" "Is it really a terrible thing to subsist on a diet of Buffalo wings and oatmeal raisin cookies?"

Anyone got any WISDOM lying around for me? My brain & body are tired and I don't feel like thinking for myself...

*smooches...wishing there were someone else to do what I need to do*
or someone else to help. Oh fuck it- someone to take care of me... THERE! I said it! I WANT SOMEONE TO COME AND TAKE CARE OF ME!!! *sobs all over your keyboard*

*also, if you can tell me what movie I stole that phrase from, I'll send you a FREE Jaded Tshirt

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I Will Know He's The One If...

...I allow myself to cry in front of him

...he meets none of my "LIST" criteria yet I cannot stop thinking of him

...he has a last name that will complement the name Altagracia (should we have a daughter)

...I feel safe when he holds me

...he makes me laugh until I pee my pants

...he doesn't care if I pee my pants when I laugh

...I don't think twice before bringing him around my friends

...I refuse to write about him in this blog

...I start to act all domestic

...he gives me a Montblanc fountain pen instead of a diamond solitaire when he proposes

*smooches...still too Jaded to recognize him*
I've kinda resigned myself to the single life. If he shows up, awesome. If not? Well, there's always porn...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Giving Back For Real, Pt. 2

I had this Penzo Uncle; he was the baby of the family. He was also my Padrino.

(see that little girl with her back to the camera in the dark blue jacket & messy hair? C'est moi!)

Somewhere along the way Padrino got hooked on drugs, and his addiction ended up taking his life by way of a little epidemic you might have heard of: AIDS. We weren't particularly close, but he died during my sophomore year of college so I was very aware of the circumstances surrounding his death and I visited his frail shell of himself in the hospital and it was a bit jostling.

You know, every disease that's out there that's killing people en masse doesn't seem real until it takes someone you know personally. AIDS was just an acronym to me, a condition that seemed really sad in movies like An Early Frost or And The Band Played On, but it was too abstract for me until I got that call from my Penzo Grandmother about Padrino. AIDS will take you down, my friend, no matter how you contract it, it will take you down.

I say this as a precursor to asking you to sponsor my BFF Alex in the Chicago Half Marathon in an effort to raise money for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago. I understand money is tight so I won't pull out the machete this time. But if you believe in the cause and have a few dollars to spare, it'd be awesome if you could donate.

I'd love to be able to say I saw the cure for AIDS in my lifetime...

*smooches...hoping this epidemic stays away from the rest of my loved ones*
actually, I'd like ALL epidemics to stay away from my loved ones; how about that?!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Giving Back For Real, Pt. 1

On Saturday I participated in a community service event in the Bronx that really spoke to me. What I did wasn't that elaborate or back-breakingly hard, but the people I met and spoke with made me realize how many kids are in my own city who need us.

And by us I mean those of us from the 'hood who've made it out alive and well. Those of us who went to college and have jobs and careers and family support and have never been on the wrong side of the law.

One 8th-grade science teacher told me one of her students was a parent two-times over already. I almost fainted! TWO KIDS in the 8th GRADE? Another teacher mentioned that many of his students had never even been to Central Park, even though it's probably only a 15 minute train ride from Hunts Point.

That made me so sad for them, to know that they have this huge, wonderful city at their disposal and can't even enjoy it. It also made me want to hug my mom for taking me out of Bed-Stuy all the time. We took so many trips throughout all five-boros when I was a kid and I can't believe it took me this long to realize not all mothers were as cool as her.

After it was all said and done I gave the team leader my contact info so that I could volunteer at the other events they had coming up in other sections of NYC. And I know how much you all LOVE me and how CARING and GIVING you all are, so I figured I'd post the flier here for you to sign up.

I think it would be awesome if the NYC Bloggers could get together and give up a few hours of their time for a really good cause, don't you? No pressure, though... *sharpens machete*

*smooches...receiving so much goodness that it only felt right to distribute it*
clearly I'm experiencing one of my UP cycles; enjoy it while you can... you know the DOWN is probably just right around the corner!

and a special shout out to my boy Josh for sending the info for the Bronx event. It was my pleasure to help out :)

Friday, April 23, 2010

I Made A Video.

Not THAT kind of video. Perverts.

I had a concept for some "TV Segments" I wanted to shoot as a contributor for Sista Sports, and threw it out to a few people. Then I finally pitched it to someone who was like, "Yeah. Sounds good. Let's do this."

Enter Video Vix[o]n and Joshen Reborn.

I dragged them with me to Belle Meade, NJ to my friend Elisheba's house where she arranged for her son to give me a fencing lesson.

Oh, did I forget to mention what the project was about? Yeah... it's me and my couch-potato-havin-ass trying out a different sport. And I was all too excited to get this fencing lesson and I'm sure you know why:


At first I was freaking out when I realized this was really going to happen. I mean, it was good in theory but then I remembered that I had stage fright and anxiety set in. Would I fall on my ass? How would I sound? Was my fat ass REALLY going to be immortalized on film for all the internet to see?

But after I met my coach and I got in front of the camera and the lesson began I kinda forgot to be scared and just went with it. Even better, the guys let me be in on the editing process. I can now add MOVIE EDITOR to my growing list of amazing skills.

I'm sure by now you're all, LET ME SEE THE VIDEO. Well relax... just click on over to Sista Sports and take a look!

And you should know that I already have a free baseball lesson in the works, and have put out feelers for wrestling, boxing, swimming and basketball lessons. You're excited. I can tell. You're wondering if you can handle Jaded on VIDEO. Well, yeah, you kinda have to. Sorry.

But I want to take a minute to thank Vixon, Joshen, Elisheba and Samuel for making this very first episode of "Jaded Takes On..." come true. They all have a place on the Jaded Media Empire payroll for sure.

*smooches...wondering if the stage fright is a thing of the past*
if that's the case... watch out world...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

"Paruparo, Palaka, Baka, Isda."

Those are the very first Tagalog words I learned on Tuesday as part of my training to become an English and Spanish instructor at a language center in the Wall St. area. That's right- I'm giving the teaching thing another try but with a twist.

At first I was nervous about it. My English is awesome but my Spanish, wellllllll, let's just say I speak an "ebonics" version of Spanish, and it's fast and at times, incomprehensible. But the ad asked for native speakers and that's me- a native Spanish speaker.

It was my first language, and even though I spent most of my life perfecting my "White" voice and my English grammar, it has never left me. Sometimes I doubt my ability to communicate with another Spanish speaker but as soon as the situation arises the words formulate in my brain and roll off my tongue the way they're supposed to.

Not to say that I can't use some help with my spelling, grammar and pronunciation; that's a given. I've already contacted Mari for tips on improving all that stuff before I get a student, and being the awesome little sister that she is, I received in my gmail a wealth of information that will help me along.

So I'm excited about this new opportunity, not only because it will improve my teaching AND language skills, but because I will be at a place where languages and cultures are revered. You don't even understand how the NERD GIRL in me woke up and paid attention during all of the demo lessons the other potential instructors gave. I now have some French, Czech, Arabic, Portuguese, Albanian and Tagalog in my arsenal and I can't even quiet the little butterflies tingling all over my body at the prospect of being back in an institution of learning.

And the bonus? I heard them playing some Gypsy Kings in the lounge the other day.

I'm totally going to LOVE this place!

*smooches...con un poquito de espaƱol*
yeah, so, if we're talking and all of a sudden I bust out with some Albanian on your ass don't be's just The Voices digesting all this new information.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programming... remind you that La Pluma y La Tinta have their FOURTH literary reading scheduled for Saturday, April 24th at 7PM. This month we're at Brownstone Books again so if you're close by and love literature, stop on over.

I'd also like to invite all of you writers in the NYC area to participate in the FIFTH reading set for May 8th at Bluestockings in Lower Manhattan. This one will be a biggie and a goodie because:

>Rebeca's birthday is May 5th
>Theresa's birthday is May 9th
>MY BIRTHDAY is May 23rd
>This is our FIFTH reading
>Aaaaaannnndddddd... We're having a mini-launch party of sorts for the workshop's website.

Exciting shit, right?!

Yeah, we got big literary thangs poppin' over at Jaded Empire Media. Get on board NOW or get left the fuck behind.

*smooches...ordering a special throne from Italy as I type*
I want it sprinkled with Emeralds so do your part by clicking that donation button LOL

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

"Everything's Five By Five"

Among the many symptoms that add up to my mental illnesses is a penchant for the number five. You've all seen it here many times- when I list things on the blog it needs to be in multiples of five.

Even though I fight it and try not to think about it, whenever I get to FOUR or NINE on a list something in my brain just clicks and one of The Voices will whisper to me, "You're going to add another item, right? It doesn't look right without another item on the list. ADD ANOTHER ITEM TO THE LIST."

During a casual email exchange a few weeks ago, The F$%k-It List sent me some information on the meaning behind FIVE according to a numerology chart. Some of the points made were:

You most likely have some of the following strengths and talents at your disposal if the number 5 appears in your numerology chart:

You make friends easily, you are versatile and multi-talented, upbeat and inspirational and a good communicator and motivator. You have great verbal skills and you are very dynamic, persuasive, adaptable, versatile and curious, courageous, bright and quick-witted.

Some of the following weaknesses, which are associated with the number 5, could slow down or even prevent your progress.

Most probably, only one or a few of them will belong to you:

It is difficult for you to commit to one relationship and you have difficulties to finish projects. You lack discipline and order, you are impatient, restless, easily distracted and you can be very impulsive.

You might also be susceptible to overindulgence in sensual pleasures.

Ummm... is it just me or did y'all feel a chill up your spines, too?

*smooches...trying to keep from counting the paragraphs in this post*
in my email response to The F$%k-It List I wrote:

"I've always been adamant about keeping my last name even though I despise my father's family. Could it be because it has 5 letters? *cue twilight zone music*"

Monday, April 19, 2010

I Pee'd In The Street!...And Other Musings

My weekend was filled with ups and downs. Luckily more ups. Ready? Let's go!

Stop Spending So Much Goddamn Money!
Tonight on Monday Musings I'm doing my second Blogger Profile of the year, and this time around we've got Natalie McNeal aka The Frugalista on the show! And if you don't know who she is CLEARLY you're the kind of person that shops without caring if you're getting your money's worth.

Expect to hear about the birth of The Frugalista as well as some awesome tips on how to save hundreds on groceries, vacations and the clothes you just have to have. And if you've got questions or tips of your own, don't be shy! We'd love to hear from you.

So tune in... you know yo want to!

Another Ex, A New Letter
This week on "Letters I'll Never Send" our Friend From Across The Pond, Bangs and a Bun, has a few choice words for an ex.

We all have that one ex we need to write that letter to, and I loved how Muireann got it all out on "paper" to share with us. Head on over and take a peek. And remember, you, too, can have your letter posted. Email me at to find out how.

I Pee'd In The Street!
Let's just file this little tale under Things That Will Upset Jaded's Mother.

I had some drinks. Not a lot but some. I wasn't drunk but my bladder was full. The bathroom at this establishment was, well, let's just say I was willing to just hold it til I got home. Until I wasn't. It was right there; I could feel the droplets itching to come out. We tried pulling into a gas station but they were closed. Then my friend utters the fateful words: "Just go behind that truck."

*record scratches*

EXCUSE ME?! That's NOT how I was raised...except...I...I just couldn't hold it. So, for the first time ever... I pee'd in the street. Behind a U-Haul van that was parked at the Mobile station. Mami forgive me!!

Why You All Frontin' Like You Know 'Em?
Here's my latest contribution to the Blogging Etiquette lessons The F$%k-It List and Smarty Jones have been giving you for the last couple of months, and it has to do with some of y'all out there who stay fakin' the funk. And by that I mean the people who are giving props left and write to other bloggers...that they don't even read!

Lookie here- anytime I link to someone on this site, you best believe I'm over there on the regular. I'd never sully my good name by associating with someone with whom I'm not even familiar, just to seem cooler somehow. That type of behavior gets THE GAS FACE for real.

Despite what some say or do, blogging is not a popularity contest. Just be you. Don't act like you're down to get comments or readers. BOOOOO to you if you've done it. If I ever catch you doing that shit again? Machete time...

*smooches...threatening your life because I care*
I call it: Jaded's Tough Love.

Friday, April 16, 2010

"I Hate This Place" And Everyone In It

Last night my cramps crept up on me while I was enjoying a concert. NOT COOL, REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS, NOT. COOL. Then this morning they assaulted my life with the most horrible of lower abdomen and back pains imaginable. As if I shot their mother or something instead of just leaving an egg in there unfertilized. I think I understand now why that Duggar chick keeps having babies; labor seems like a party compared to cramps, and that's real talk for your ass!

So yeah, I'm in a grumpy mood on top of the stanktified levels of stank upon which I was already cruising, and am typing this from my bed. Fuck any and all things on my TO-DO list today. I have cramps. They hurt. I feel like shit. And I WANT MY GRANDMA!!!!!

Enter Jimmy Fallon and one of my favorite "life sucks" companions...

This book spits hot fiyah like:

If you were thinking of buying a car, remember there is a possibility that this could be your coffin.

When people say, "Thank you for you application. Your resume was extremely impressive," they really mean, "You didn't get the job, and I blew my nose in your resume."

People seem to enjoy saying, "Is the glass half-full or half-empty?" They stop smiling when I say, "It'll be empty when I pour it over your head."

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Boy, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so.

And my favorite pessimist's affirmation: Wherever I go, there I am, and I hate this place.

Aaaah, now my day is complete!

*smooches...wondering how I'd cope with life if I didn't have my books*
blech... perish the thought!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Come Get Yo' Cousins Vol. 1: Subway Assaults

I don't enjoy making fun of people. Really I don't. I used to but these days I'd rather use my powers for good instead of evil.

But your cousins won't let me BE.

Exhibit A:

Cousin Becky was wearing this atrocity in the middle of winter. Please take her shopping for some taste.

Exhibit B:

Cousin Jasper was not just Pretty in Purple, he was rockin' a Don King salt n pepper 'fro and carrying a WALKMAN! Please get him a stylist. From the year 2010.

I ain't got time for your relatives...

*smooches...rinsing my eyes with saline solution*
why me, Baby Jesus, whyyyyyy? I swear, man, the MTA brings a fresh new hell for me every time I board a train...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Radio Dayz: WALF 89.7, Alfred, NY

To say I had an unconventional first pregnancy is an understatement:

I was a sophomore in college, had only known C for a year, was in withdrawal from the one huge party that was my Freshman Year, and frankly, not taking my studies too seriously.

So in the midst of all this craziness in my young life what did I decide to do? Host a college radio show with my roommate and BFF Celia. And not just any radio show, but one that aired from 3:00AM to 7:00AM Thursday night/Friday morning. Go ahead and smack your foreheads or roll your eyes now. I'm used to it.

As you can imagine, we didn't have too many listeners in that time slot (kinda reminds me of my Blog Talk Radio show in a way; on any given night I have like 10 listeners tops.). Not even the station managers/evil censors were tuning in at that ungodly hour. So what did we do? Played whatever the fuck we wanted: Cheech & Chong comedy records, lots of Sade, Marley and Blues Travelers; classic rock; and a shitload of inappropriate/random finds from our own stash or the station's archives. We didn't care.

And each week we took turns starting the 3-5am shift while the other slept on the floor of the station waiting to take on the 5-7am shift. Yes. My pregnant ass slept on the floor of the radio station waiting for my turn. I was 20. We didn't care.

On the rarest of rare occasions, our drunk friends would call in and make requests just to fuck with us; one instance sticks out in my mind. Someone called from the Theta house, DUH-RUNK as all hell, and requested Air Supply. I ran to the archives to get it and played about 15 seconds of that bullshit before Celia pulled up the needle and said over the air, "I'm sorry but we can't play this shit," and proceeded to replace it with something cooler. The power we wielded was intoxicating. We didn't care!

Don't even ask me how we managed to go to class the next day! Especially MY PREGNANT ASS who had a 9AM SPANISH LITERATURE CLASS on Fridays. *stank face* I really don't know how I managed to get an A in that shit. Did I even go? We just didn't give a flying fuck, man. We were young and on the air and just LIVING.

Remember just LIVING?!

I guess the memories of those cold nights sleeping on the station floor came back to me on Monday as I rushed home to start my BTR show and I asked myself, "Why do you bother? You have like 5 listeners and only 3 of them ever call in? Just go home and chill. Fuck that Monday Musings shit!"

But I like it; I like talking to people on the air and acting a fool in the chatroom and spreading EL Generalissimo's and Lady Estrogen's message as far as I possibly can. Even if it is to only 5 people. Those 5 might tell 5 more, and so on and so on...

And whenever I'm all upset because no one is calling in or no one is listening or downloading the show I can just think to myself: It could always be worse. It could be 3AM and I could be sleeping on the cold floor of a radio station in the campus center with a class to go to at 9AM the next morning. WITHOUT Celia.

Maybe that's what's missing from my show... Celia...

*smooches...plotting on how I can get her pregnant ass on the air*
my undergrad years, even the ones after I had K, were just one big party for real. "Kids, stay in school. Do your homework. Don't do drugs. Use a condom (or two)."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Why I Wear Pants: An Anthropological Study of Myself

As a little girl my mother dolled me up in the most adorable dresses from the best department stores in NYC and the Dominican Republic. I can't say that I ever minded- I look back on those days and don't remember ever pitching a fit about my clothes (except for my school uniform but that was different. NO ONE likes catholic school uniforms except maybe dirty old men!).

Maybe it was because we were taught to just blindly obey our elders OR because my mom had pretty good taste in clothes; can't be sure. Whatever the case, if you look through our family photo albums nine times out of ten you will find me in a dress.

Somewhere along the way that changed.

Once the glorious day came when I was allowed to FINALLY attend public school, what did I want more than anything in the world as we went school-clothes shopping? Jeans!! The more basic the better. And T-shirts. And sweaters. All different colors and patterns. As long as it wasn't a dress.

I carried this mentality with me into my hippie-grunge-treehugger college years, when I was known for my over-sized flannel shirts, overalls, Vans and hemp shoes. My wardrobe was all about comfort and relaxation and PANTS. When I started looking for work after college my mom gave me a couple of skirt suits and I hated them, and made a conscious choice to only seek non-corporate positions that would let me wear pants. And that I did! I bought slacks and khakis in all manner of fabrics and colors and was in pants heaven.

After reading Bangs and a Bun's blog post on American vs European fashion sense, I really started to wonder what is my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts on a regular day? And you guys know when I start to obsess about an idea I OBSESS! I started looking through my closet for signs that I was more open-minded with my wardrobe. I looked at old photos. I even looked at the clothes I buy my daughters and it all zeroed in on one point: I'm biased against dresses and skirts, and I may have made my children biased, too.

Here's my expert scientific finding on my fashion behavior. With pants or jeans, I'm not required to adhere to any traditional female behaviors. I can sit any way I want without fear that my undies will be exposed, I don't fear a gust of wind and I can NEVER buy another pair of nylons EVER again. I can also steer clear of high-heeled shoes, which are the usual accompaniment to a dress or a skirt (flats just look WRONG). And if I don't have to wear high heels I can walk faster, run faster, take the stairs two at a time and, let's be real here, save my knees and my back and my feet loads of injuries.

In a pair of pants I honestly do feel equal with a man. Think about it- a man and woman are walking side by side. He's wearing his comfortable pants and Oxfords or whatever, but she's in a pencil skirt and 3" heels. He's able to take bigger strides, admire the beauty in the streets around him and still look sharp while being at ease. Meanwhile, the poor woman can only take half strides because the pencil skirt only allows for baby steps, and she has to be Uber-aware of a possible rip in her nylons and subway and/or sewer grates that will kill her shoes, not to mention the discomfort she has had to train herself to ignore that comes with the unnatural way she has to walk in 3" heels.

You tell me- what's attractive about that? Why don't MORE women just join me in the Blue Jeans Party?

I will admit that a dress looks nice on me. And if I need an ego boost I just have to walk through the city in one and a pair of heels. But that's just it- I've always had a problem with being judged on looks, partly because I'm self-conscious about mine and partly because I know they will fade, so I'd rather be judged (if at all) on non-physical attributes. That sort of vanity, while fine for others, is just not my cup of tea. Don't look at me. Don't holla at me in the street. Don't tell me I have nice legs. GO AWAY!

Unfortunately for me the Universe thought it would be a HOOT to bestow upon me certain endowments that will not allow for blending in the crowd but goddammit if I don't give it the good old-fashioned college try! And part of that effort includes making my wardrobe as gender-neutral as I can. Which means: I wear pants.

The End.

*smooches...with tomorrow's pants already pressed and laid out*
the only time I actually voluntarily wear a dress is when it's really hot outside, and that's just for practical reasons, not because of any fashion sense on my part.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Seven Goddamn Bags Of Laundry...And Other Musings

Hello and welcome to another week at the crazy house. Here are some words for you to devour like Vicodin with a whiskey chaser. Oh, what... just me then?

"Do I LOOK like I Fell Off The Turnip Truck?"

Tell me Miss Olivia don't look like that's exactly what she's saying and I'll call you a LIAR!

Celebrate Poetry!
I know you know I couldn't let April pass us by without doing a Monday Musings episode honoring National Poetry Month, right? Right. Well the show is tonight tonight tonight!!

My guest host tonight is Judith Angeles, poetess extraordinaire! She will be discussing her craft, reading some selections from her chapbook He Art: Pieces of a Whole and giving props to some of her favorite poets. We also expect you all to call in with either a favorite poet story OR an original poem. Okay? Okay!

So tune in... you know you want to.

Seven Goddamn Bags Of Laundry
That's what I ended up with after an all-day Spring Cleaning Fest on Sunday. UGH UGH UGH! Someone shoot me now. Laundry is such a pain in my ass. Just the thought of loading up the shopping cart, walking the 5blocks to the laundromat, feeding my money into those machines and then having to WAIT for the clothes to get washed... I could soooo be doing something else with my time.

And don't even get me started on having to hang them on the line and then having to fold them and THEN having to put them in their place. This can't be life. IT CAN'T. Please, if you love me, send HELP!!

(Shout out to Minnie who gave up her Sunday afternoon to help me clean & even unclogged my bathroom sink. Thanks, mama!!)

Letters I'll Never Send
Did I forget to mention that I launched the site last week? Yeah, sorry about that. So, um, I launched the site last week, finally! Exciting, right?

*drum roll* Here it is: Letters I'll Never Send, the blog! You like?

To date I've only gotten a handful of letters from people who had things to get off their chest. Because of this I'm only updating every Monday as opposed to everyday. Once the site gets rolling and submissions start pouring in, who knows? I may have to hire an assistant to stay on top of it :)

This Is Why I'm Fat
Everywhere I go I always seem to target certain foods: Buffalo wings, french fries, and this frosty beverage seen here:

Is there anything better in life (or worse for a healthy diet) than a blue raspberry slushee?

* glad On The Run is a way away*
otherwise I'd be there alllllllll the time buying slushees as if they were a staple of my diet. which they kind of are but that's besides the point. oh shut up!

Friday, April 09, 2010

Mari Speaks On...

...the possibility of a free surf n turf dinner, courtesy of one of the homies, even though she's a vegetarian:

"I don't even eat meat but I'll turf it up!"

*smooches...officially out of Mari quotes*
I need to get down to DC pronto to get some more material!

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Jaded And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Let me tell you, Alexander's day was a walk in the park compared to my Wednesday. Seriously.

What's worse is that I woke up hearing birds chirping, smelling fresh cut grass from outside and ate the most awesome bagel for breakfast. So much hope and promise for a wonderfully wonderful day. Now I know I was being set up.

I went allllll the way to Midwood for an appointment that turned out to be less than fruitful, and that started a domino effect of crappiness. A lot was riding on the Midwood appointment and it was devastating that it didn't work out. Not to mention that I LOATHE that neighborhood anyway. And it was 35 million degrees outside.

And then I had a 10:30 phone conference with Massa about some upcoming projects, and when I called he wasn't even there. Rude, much? Don't make an appointment with me and then not be there. That's why his business is failing- he's always falling through on his word and shit.

Then I got a very nice rejection letter from the editor of a magazine telling me they went with another candidate. And every job ad I looked at today, honestly, was BENEATH me. Sorry if that makes me sound like a snob but it's the truth. But it was 3:30 and I knew I'd be home soon and on my way to the Mets game shortly after except NOPE. Another meeting ran until after 5pm and I still had to go home before heading back to Flushing.

At first I resolved that since Johan wasn't pitching it was okay to miss the beginning of the game, but then the F-train decided to act brand new because some idiot was sick at 7th Avenue. So we were going over the D line which was annoying but okay because that line still stopped near me. But then at 36th Street they decide no, no, this is now the N-train. FOR REAL, THO? I was only one stop away from home and they switched the route. Awesome.

So I had to get off there, wait for another train and at 9th Avenue wait for the slow ass bus filled with loud Asians and unruly Mexican children. One particular child almost got slapped but I settled for the side eye. By this time it was nearly 7:00 and I still had to cook for the babies before I headed to CitiField. Which meant I wasn't going to Citifield...because it's like 1.5hrs away IF the trains are running right which, I already knew, was not the case.

THEN I went to the McDonald's to get some cookies because lord knows I needed something to be good in my life...but of course the 1,448 morbidly obese people in line in front of me were ordering one of everything on the menu. All I wanted were three lousy oatmeal raisin cookies. Le sigh.

I finally get home- too late for the Mets game (and too late for the writers' meeting in BedStuy that I was originally supposed to be attending before Josh told me of the Mets game) and the kids had all their shit spread all over the floor and the apartment was hotter than outside and I got so much hateful, threatening mail from people demanding shit from me that I don't have and I still had to cook dinner. And my feet hurt. And I hadn't eaten a real meal all day.

So please excuse me, Alexander, if I take your crown as Queen of the Worst Day Ever and book my one way ticket to Australia on your mother's credit card.

The End.

*smooches...glad to have had a half bottle of shiraz in the fridge*
and even though my babies give good hugs and the wine and cookies helped and the new adventures of old christine was freaking hysterical, i cannot reiterate enough how much it sucks to be the only adult in the house with the weight of what feels like the world on my shoulders.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Today I Will (4/7/10)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #8: Today I will celebrate other people's successes to make way for my own windfalls.

The book states that no matter how grateful we are for the things in our lives, when something good happens to someone else it's normal for slight feelings of jealousy and sometimes bitterness to creep in and ruin the moment. Instead of allowing those feelings to take over, this exercise asks you to "practice being the first to congratulate a friend, even if he or she receives something you wanted for yourself." This will "take power away from ugly feelings of jealousy and insecurity" and your support in turn "paves the way for your own windfalls."

I would like to take a moment to congratulate all of my fellow FDU graduates that have, according to the alumni newsletter, published a first or second novel, had stories or poems accepted for publication in literary magazines and garnered positive press for their work.

A special should out goes to Jack who entered Week 13 free of nicotine; my girl in LA who recently bought her first luxury vehicle, a treat she gave herself for all the hard work she's been doing; my sweetums in MA who ended a long, dead-end relationship only to turn the corner and find happiness with a new man; and another friend here in BK who has been out of work for a few months and sent me a text this morning announcing "I got a job babe!"

I am truly happy for all of them. Their joy is seriously my joy because they are my friends. And who wants miserable friends who never have any good news to report? I will admit I don't always get that back, and have learned to not divulge certain news items with certain people because it will just throw shade on my shine. Hey, what can you do about those people except not let them take your joy, right? I just know I NEVER want to be the one stealing someone else's sunshine. I know how shitty that feels when it's done to me and could never subject even my worse enemy (SEAN COMBS!) to that.

Besides, I'm a firm believer in "whatever you put out into The Universe you get back threefold" even if three is the devil's number; it's a good policy to live by.

*smooches...grateful for all the good things happening around me*
proximity to greatness can only mean mine is around the corner

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

When Advertising Pisses Me Off

I haven't had a decent rant in a long time. For the most part I try not to make my blood pressure rise to unimaginable levels but you know what? Sometimes people be TESTING me.

Like the geniuses behind THIS ad.

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. Abortion is going to change you. It's going to make you not be pregnant anymore. DUH-MOTHERFUCKING-UH! This upset me for two reasons. One, it's assuming that women are stupidly opting for surgical solutions to pregnancy all willy-nilly. This advertisement is allowing a few harlots make the rest of us who make INFORMED decisions seem careless and mindless.

And two because they're making it seem like your whole world will implode and melt away into the sewer after you have an abortion. As if afterward you will find yourself wondering aimlessly through the world, feeling like something is missing until you realize... *cue violins* "I had an abortion. And it changed me!"

*side eye*

UGH... the propaganda I have to deal with on an otherwise yuppie-free train ride...

Listen, I'm not trying to make light of the situation. Deciding to get an abortion is real serious shit for sure. And maybe a handful of women fall apart after the procedure. But this ad just makes my skin crawls; there has to be a better non-retarded way to offer pregnancy counseling.

This shit right here? It SCREAMS of the Religious Right inching their way into my uterus and lookie here- I already got some damn fibroids and scar tissue residing in there- ain't no room for no more motherfuckers.

Especially religious ones.

*smooches...missing the days of Dr. Zizmor ads on the subway*
remember him, the skin guy? is he still around? I could stand to see him for a quick consultation...

Monday, April 05, 2010

On The Train For Reno...And Other Musings

Another Monday, another string of random postings. Ready? Let's GO!

Blogging Etiquette: This Ain't A Dating Site!
(You know the deal: Smarty P. Jones and The F$%k-It List and I have teamed up to help guide you through the finer points of interacting with others in the blogoshpere. So pay attention.)

When I started blogging it was merely a new form of keeping a journal, one that my friends could openly peek through. But as more and more strangers began to find my page and I became an active participant in the blogging world, I began to notice that people were using their sites as a platform for attracting love affairs.

I'm not immune to this; I've had a couple of suitors pursue me via my blog, even entertained it for a minute and then I realized- I know who I am, but I don't know who they are. It's the internet; they place where The Crazies can pretend to be normal. SO I'm here to say to you, speaking from experience, if someone approaches you with romantic overtures because of something they read on your blog? That's a red flag. Run away. Run away fast.

The Unemployment Blues
So many of us are out of work these days it's a wonder the suicide rate isn't higher. The auto industry, the publishing industry, even retail markets- no where is safe from this "economic downturn" devouring us right now. So I've decided to take it to the airwaves.

Join Irene and me tonight on Monday Musings as we discuss how best to deal with unemployment, from pulling yourself out from under to staying afloat until your next steady check comes around. So tune in, punkie... you know you want to!

On The Train For Reno
A few months ago I watched the 1939 version of the film "The Women" and besides falling in love with the acting and the writing, I also took away a bit of wisdom from it.

The story line follows a socialite who finds her husband is having an affair with a shop girl and has to face the humiliation of the entire society page knowing about her failed marriage. While in the process of trying to come away from it with some dignity, this soon-to-be divorcee travels to Reno where any and everyone can go to get a quickie divorce.

She meets up with others in Reno who are there for divorces as well, and they sit around reflecting on the mistakes they made to end up in this predicament. While one says she should've never married for love and another laments marrying money, one wise woman says, "No matter what you pick them for, where does it get you? On the train for Reno."

How true and depressing at the same time. So if it's all going to end anyway, let's just go out there and have a good time, okay? Okay!

Afro-Latinos Are The Prettiest Kind
Shout out to Eb the Celeb for a very fun evening at the Doghouse Saloon last Thursday. She was the guest bartender for Karaoke night and it was a much needed fun night out with the NYC Blogging Posse.

But I want to bring your attention to these attractive sons of bitches right here:

Did I ever tell you the one about the Dominican, the Haitian and the Panamanian...?

*smooches...a little too conceited about my new hair*
except, I'm not giving enough neck in this photo; Tyra would be so disappointed in me...

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Jaded Photographs 2010: April Edition

Winter's Refugee

*smooches...loving the things I find when I take walks around my 'hood*
spring is here, folks. spring is FINALLY here.

Friday, April 02, 2010

When ADHD Attacks

My brain just exploded all over your monitor. Quick- grab a mop or something!

1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Miss Olivia!! Congratulations on making it to age 3 without getting stomped to the ground by Irene. YAY!

2. I haven’t been to Boston or DC since TOO LONG! I miss my second homes and the people who live there. What has become of my life that I can’t even travel locally?

3. Mami joined Facebook; immediately following that my online world imploded. If you’ve noticed that my page has become Fort Knox all of a sudden, now you know why.

4. “If I leave here tomorrow, please don’t ask why. There was nothing but sorrow, it wasn’t how I planned…”

5. I’m unveiling a couple of sites on Monday: one for my writers’ workshop and the almost forgotten Letters I’ll Never Send. I have letters from people already for the latter, but feel free to submit one of your own at:

6. My next literary reading is on April 24th at Brownstone Books in BedStuy, and we’re actively seeking writers to participate. Please note that after the reading we will probably head on over to Peaches for some “punch” and “hot men watching” to which you’re also invited.

7. A couple of weeks ago on Twitter, one of the people I follow (@wisdomismisery) posted an old picture of himself that was YUMALICIOUS, and as a compliment I replied with: Helllloooooo, NURSE! and he didn’t get the reference. Huh? Am I that old? Or were Mari and I the only ones obsessed with Animaniacs back in the day?

8. If you come across a gay bar called Fellatio’s, ask the bar manager if he offers his employees benefits. I’m particularly interested in their dental plan.

9. It’s another Friday with no date here at Casa Jaded. Y’all are slippin’. How is it possible that I get 40+ visitors a day and not a damn one of y’all hookers n hos have found me a suitable date? BOOOOOOO!

10. I don’t plan on leaving my apartment all weekend. Wait, that’s a lie; I may go to the library or the park depending on the weather, but I don’t plan to do any socializing. I may not answer my phone or bbm, either. Why? Sheeeeiiiiiit, why not?!

*smooches…thriving on such little sleep I barely know what year it is*
it’s all for the greater good but still… ME TIRED!!! *passes out*

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Musical Interlude, Again.

Dear Readers:

I want to apologize in advance for the briefness of today's post. See, I have some real-life things that are taking up my time + a few personal projects I've undertaken that I don't care to share with you at this time. It's leaving me little time to blog.

Surely you all understand this, because you've been so gracious every other time I've asked for your patience. Thing is, there are some things I need to do for me and my family that just can't involve you right now.

In the meantime, some music to groove to as you try and ponder what shenanigans I have up my sleeve...

Ne-Yo, I Don't Care
(Eb the Celeb is gonna try and convince you that Raheem Devaughn's version is better but it's not. Raheem's interpretation sucks ass. You heard it here first.)

Idle Warship, Girls on the Dancefloor
(This Party Robot mixtape is awesomeness. I've been playing it on repeat for months now. Get on that.)

Maiysha, Sledgehammer (cover)
(I was lucky enough to hear her perform this LIVE at BAM a while back and WHOA! This lady can BLOW. I loved every minute of her performance!)

Kimberly Nichole, Crazy (cover)
(I just saw this chickie on Tuesday night and OWWWWWWW she rocked the stage. She's my new favorite!)

J. Cole, I Get Up
(This is for Evelyn, who said she really wasn't feeling rap anymore. That hurt my heart. Google J. Cole- he's pretty great.)

Maya Azucena, Set Me Free
(She opened for Laura Izibor at SOBs and was great- that voice, that stage presence. You know how much I love those big-haired girls! She could get it...)

*smooches...being a busy little (secretive) bee*
but this is so necessary, and I gifted you some music so shut up and deal.