Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It's More Than Fundamental, It's Essential

Y'all know I love a good laugh, but you know what's not funny, at all? Illiteracy. I used to think it was a rip-roaring good time to point out people who couldn't read and make fun of them until I came across a 50+ year-old man who honestly asked me:

"Does 'tidy' mean you're always on time for stuff?"

Really? REALLY? That made me so sad. How do you not know what TIDY means? It's not a super-difficult SAT word like facetious or ephemeral or venerable. Fucking TIDY. Why doesn't he know that oh-so-simple word?

Is this why the unemployment rate is so high? What school let you get through without knowing what TIDY meant? Don't you read? CAN YOU READ? The questions that started to fill my head gave me such a migraine I can't even explain it. Because when stuff like that happens all I can think is "what can I do to keep this from happening again?"

What can I do?

How many volunteer hours at inner city community centers will it take? How many READ A BOOK blog posts must I write? Should I just start my own literacy program? How do I do that? Will I have to get ANOTHER degree to accomplish it?

Honestly I cannot imagine my life without words- reading them, writing them, knowing what they mean. That episode of The Twilight Zone with the dude who just wants to be alone with his books but then his reading glasses break? That's my worse fucking nightmare! Of all my senses I cannot live without my eyes. Or rather, I wouldn't want to.

Knowing your way around words opens SO MANY doors- didn't anyone ever take the time to give this man this crucial bit of information? Words are how The Man tries to keep us down with his legal jargon and mumbo-jumbo. You gotta KNOW what he's saying before your rights are taken away and you die penniless and freedomless. Didn't anyone take the time to tell him?

What can I do? Tell me what to do to prevent this from happening again because really, it hurts my heart to know there are more men and women and children like him all over the world. Just tell me what I can do...

*smooches...NOT OK with illiteracy*
seriously- if you know of a program or organization or charity or ANYTHING, let me know. I can't sleep now thinking about this shit.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Birthday Wishes N Shit...And Other Musings...

I know it's the randomness that keeps you coming's ADHD post is brought to you by my friends:

Support Your Fellow Artists!
On many occasions y'all have heard me complain about the decline of the entertainment we are force-fed by Hollywood n dem, but today I come to you on a more positive note. On Sunday I went to support the homie Tiffany Jackson at the screening of her short film, The Field Trip:

The Field Trip from Tiffany D. Jackson on Vimeo

And I have to say, no bias, it was GOOD! It had its creep factor, cheese factor and funny elements, just like a horror movie should. I'm so proud of Ms. Jackson and her short, and I can't wait to see her at Scorsese's Oscar party. Hopefully we won't be nominated in the same category in the same year because THAT would just be awkward...

April Fool's Shenanigans
If you're in NYC on April 1st, you NEED to stop by the Doghouse Saloon at 153 Orchard Street and get you some dranks from the guest bartender, Miss Eb the Celeb.

Not only will *I* be there, but so will some of the cooler NY Bloggers PLUS it's Karaoke night AND I've already told Eb to make me some car bombs allll night. Oh yeah, the white boys at the bar don't know what's about to happen...pray for them!

Birthday Wishes N Shit... my girl Muireann of Bangs and a Bun!

Child I did NOT forget. Your "gift" won't be en route until this weekend because my life is upside down right now, but I know you will love it. *big sloppy kisses and gratuitous birthday booty gropes*

Blogging Etiquette
This is just a friendly reminder to check out The F$%K-it List's and Smarty's blogs every Monday for the latest Blogging Etiquette tips. Why?

Must I really threaten you in EVERY blog post? Just read it, dammit!

*smooches...acting a fool for spring break*
just because I can't go anywhere doesn't mean I can't GO anywhere...

Monday, March 29, 2010

Rid Yourself Of Toxicity

I hope you all had a most enjoyable weekend. Mine was cool on Friday, blah on Saturday and cool again on Sunday, but more on that later on this week.

I'm just here to remind you that Monday Musings is on tonight. That's right! And tonight the topic centers around Toxic Friends and how to cleanse yourself of them.

You know who these people are: they throw shade on your greatness, they get you stopped by the cops and cause major drama in your otherwise peaceful existence.

Tune in as The F$%k it List and I help you get away from these people before it's too late and you're doing time for some ol' bullshit that could've been avoided had you listened to my show.

I'm just sayin'.

*smooches...wondering if I'm anyone's toxic friend*
and if I am please tell me so I can cross you off the VIP invite list for my book release party. Oh, what? You didn't think I'd let you call ME toxic and still give you open bar privileges, did you? Nah, son... "to the left, to the left..."

Friday, March 26, 2010

Voice Mail Message I Was Forced To Leave

"Hi, it's Rocky, and as your friend I feel it's my place to let you know that you've passed the age where it is appropriate to have a song playing as your voice mail greeting. Thank you and good day."

*smooches...side eye-ing mofos through the phone*
I mean, really, I love Buju Banton as much as the next Caribbean native, but static-y Buju in my ear for 1.5mins = I will not be calling you very often.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Today I Will (3/25/10)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #7: Today I will look in the mirror and find three things I love about myself.

According to this book only 35% of some 380,000 thousand people worldwide like what they see when they look in the mirror. I think you already know I'm in the other 65% that really struggles to enjoy what is looking back at them. Yes, I am my own worst critic. It was TRULY difficult to complete this exercise but dammit all to hell if I was about to let some stupid book get the best of me. So here goes...

1- When I wear my Liplicious Fresh Mulberry lipgloss, I really like my smile. The color compliments my complexion and lip shape/size. In fact, I wear this color more often than not.

2- I never like the way I look in hats, except for my black Mets fitted. Especially with my new haircut. I cannot wait until the season starts so I can rock this baby everyday.

3- And speaking of hair, I love my hair. For all its faults and frizziness and craziness, my hair is awesome and I really, really like it.

There, I did it. Now it's your turn. Leave it in the comments.

But before that I'd really like you all to notice that this exercise only required three items and I actually wrote three items, even though everything in my being wanted to round out the list with two more items. Why am I obsessed with 5s? That's a post for another day but I will say this- 3 is the devil's number.

That is all.

Now you may leave your comments.

*smooches...thinking this exercise came right on time*
I've been needing a few ego & self-esteem boosters... surprise, surprise!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Now That We're At DEFCON 2...

People, I will not sugarcoat my situation but I won't divulge too much either. Let's just say things are baaaaad over here, they really are. And for four weeks I hid in my apartment, sleeping entire days away, shutting off my phone and sending calls to voice mail. I wore the same clothes everyday, didn't even bother to brush my hair or teeth, ate sporadically and, without warning, found myself crying in the shower. Baaaaaad!

Nothing about what put me in this catatonic state has changed except my attitude. I suppose you can say I was tired of being tired. Only problem was, my usual method for cheering myself up was either self-destructive (sex, drugs, rock 'n roll) or expensive (did I ever tell you about the time I used to have an extensive shoe and handbag collection?). This time around I had to actually WANT to come out of it.

For some reason, it wasn't enough that I had an army of the best friends known to mankind in my corner, cheering me on, talking sense into me, checking in to see if I was still alive, I had to WANT to come out of it. And, well, I'm like 76% embarrassed to admit, it was a man that finally did the trick.

NO, NOT LIKE THAT! You guys are so perverted!

It was just something he said in response to my text alerting him that I was not taking any calls from anyone because I was in a bad place; he was mortified, and responded with a, "NO, NOT YOUUUU!" that actually made me laugh. Imagine me, being the person someone else turns to in order to chase the clouds away! I felt a sort of responsibility at that point to just allow myself to smile and be happy and let my friends in a little bit. I tucked some pride away and took a phone call or two. Even rejoiced in a good friend's recent good fortune, I mean actually, genuinely happy for her and not lamenting my miserable state at all. That's when I knew I'd finally turned the corner.

Still- there is doom & gloom seated at my table, make no mistake about it. It's right here in my face as I type this post. I can smell it's stale, depressing stench. It lures me back into bad habits and I've slipped up here and there but I'm not sleeping the day away and I'm answering the phone when it rings. I'm allowing myself to smile and laugh and enjoy myself. I've even left the apartment for more than just appointments and mommy duties, wearing clean clothes and teeth and new hair.

But more importantly, I wrote something new. Just, SHHHHHH! don't tell my muse. If she finds out I've been writing without her...

*smooches...waiting for this chapter of my memoir to be over and done*
y'all know I have no patience; I'm ready to move on to the next big thing (that's what she said!)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Selfishness Of Being Late

In my other life, long, long ago, I used to watch Oprah on Tuesdays when she had Dr. Phil on as a recurring guest. I'm not proud of it but this is a place where I spill my guts and you thrive on it so there it is. I used to watch Oprah on Tuedays to see what nuggets of wisdom Dr. Phil would spew out in that Texas drawl of his. I lived for it!

On one of these Tuesday shows, Dr. Phil was "counseling" this woman who suffered from chronic lateness, an affliction I am also cursed with. What he said to her has stayed with me my whole life: being late is a side effect of selfishness. He told her that she put her needs and wants ahead of anyone else's time, and therefore didn't deem it important to ever be prompt for anything.

I hate to admit it, but as I sit and analyze the events which lead up to me being late for events throughout my life I realized that Phil was right. It was always a case of I needed ten more minutes of sleep or I wanted to finish watching a show or I wanted extra time in the shower. I'm that person that does the fun stuff first as opposed to finishing up my work and then enjoying a treat. If I did things the other way around my lateness would cease to be an issue.

For example, if I would take the time to prep my clothes the night before I'd never be late for morning appointments. Or if I handled assignments in a timely fashion, prioritizing them, then I wouldn't miss deadlines. But instead all I end up doing are the fun things that can really wait. Like watching movies on Netflix or playing around online. Sometimes I see myself squandering time and try "pep-talking" myself into action: "Raquel! Get off the computer and into the shower or you're going to be late!" It never works, though. I just get caught up in something else, tell myself to fuck off, and then get mad when I'm scrambling to get someplace on time.

I saw my mom do it when I was growing up, I do it all the time and now I see my kids picking up the same bad habits of being late. Getting out of the house, all three of us, is pure craziness.

This Saturday I was late, yet again, for my reading, and it was a TERRIBLE feeling. I'm not proud of the fact that people were waiting on me. I started the day on schedule and then little by little I fucked it up. I played online, I hadn't planned out my outfit, my hair was a mess and before I knew it I was running late. And I think this was the last straw for me.

I don't want to be known as the person who's always late anymore. The jokes are getting old and really starting to bother me. It will be a struggle to break this nasty habit- selfishness is an addiction like any other, trust me, and the road to recovery will be a long one.

All I ask is that all of you have a little patience with me as I work hard to overcome my selfish behavior. Please and thank you.

*smooches...kinda late with this post, le sigh*
but tomorrow is another day. I will do better tomorrow. Promise.

Monday, March 22, 2010

I'm A Icon Bitch I Thought You Knew...And Other Musings...

Hello my lovelies! How have you been? Me, a little better. Better enough to let go of my blogging hiatus and come back to my online family. Ready? Let's GO!

Holy Health Care Reform, Batman!
I'm sure you've all been paying attention to this Health Care Reform thing, right? It was all anyone on my Twitter timeline could talk about, and while I'm guessing from all the brou-haha that this is a good thing, I won't be able to really choose a side until I read the legislation in full.

But let's say for the sake of argument this IS a good thing and it WILL be a good thing for this country... does this mean I'll be able to get me some medical marijuana and Uncle Sam will pay for it? What? Oh, like you weren't wondering the same damn thing...

I'm A Icon Bitch I Thought You Knew
This is usually where I play some Ludacris to welcome you back to my blog, but this time I decided to pick a different artist... Trina. I don't know why this song brings me joy, I really don't know, but when it comes on my iPod I've been known to act a fool.

Spring Hair, Bitchez!!
Big shout out to my baby sis who hooked me up with the killer mother-fucking haircut.

Yeah, you're seeing correctly: I GOT MY BANGS BACK! And aren't they divine? I'm already hearing them speak to me, and they are RAUNCH-EE! I feel so sorry for the men in my life. Well, correction, the GOOD-LOOKING men in my life, because my bangs are big ol sluts and are already plotting to molest the whole lot of them.

Yes, The Ex Is Gonna Be On The Show
You asked, I delivered; K & N's father agreed to co-host Monday Musings this week. What are we discussing? Oh right like you care, like you're not going to tune in for the Coney Island freak show that you're hoping it will turn into.

But all jokes aside, we're actually going to be discussing a very serious topic: co-parenting after divorce, and I felt this was necessary after realizing that many of my blogland peoples are in not-so-great situations with their exes with babies stuck right in the middle. And that makes me sad. C and I have managed to not damage the babies too much; maybe we can help you, too.

Me And Writing Are Still Frenemies
My fifth reading (number three with La Pluma y La Tinta) was on Saturday and this time around, I have to admit- there were no butterflies. I did not throw up. My voice barely trembled as I shared one of my babies with those gathered. I think I've finally gotten the knack of this "writer" lifestyle.

Oh yeah, we're writers!

Except I keep having anxiety attacks about the well running dry. I want to make new babies but my muse is still on vacation. This not only means no new pieces but it also means the babies that already exist aren't getting the nurture the need to be really great.

Folks, I may have to start smoking weed again...where's my print-out of that darned Health Care Reform bill?

*smooches...only half-joking about the drugs*
just so we're clear: things are still mega-shitty over here but my outlook on things have improved. shout out and much love to the beautiful people in my life who've helped me de-funk my mood during this little break.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Y-Chromosome Always Knows...And Other Musings...

My weekly installment of, "I'm still here just ain't got much to say to y'all right this minute." It will probably go on for all of March and maybe April. Hope you're finding other stuff to do with your spare blog-reading time :P

Another Reading You're Probably Gonna Ignore
I've come to realize that a lot of people only support my efforts in theory while the rest of you probably send me evil, hate vibes. That only leaves a tiny percent that are ride or die. It's cool, though. Here's some more shit to hate on:

Be there or... oh who am I kidding...I'm starting to care less and less if you come out to this shit anymore. Do with this information what you will.

I Have A Lot Of Guy Friends
And while I consider them to be just that- friends- a lot of you out there are of the impression that platonic relationships between men & women are not possible. Oh yeah? Well let's take it to the airwaves on tonight's Mars vs. Venus segment of Monday Musings.

My co-host tonight is a dear blogging pal, C-Recks of Brothers' Blog, and we'd definitely like to hear everyone's thoughts on this here topic. And no, not just in the comments, but on the show. Stop being babies and tune in!

The Y-Chromosome Always Knows
Ladies- you ever have those days where you're feeling down and out, thinking you'll die alone and no one will ever want to date you again, and then BOOM! That ONE ex you didn't ever want to hear from again calls you, almost like he KNEW you were in a vulnerable place?

Yeah, that's because he DID know. See, men have this sort of "Spidey sense" that picks up on you feeling at your lowest so that he can swoop in and play with your emotions allllll over again. They can also use this Spidey Sense to detect when you're about to delete their contact information from your phone, move on to someone new or are feeling especially horny.

Protect yourself, ladies. Knowing is half the battle!

No, You Cannot Guest Blog. EVER.
For those of you who read The F$%k-It List's and Smarty's World's blogs, you know that we've sort of teamed up to do a type of Blogging Etiquette for those of you not in the know. This week, I'm here to educate you on the AUDACITY of asking someone (read: ME!) if you could be a guest writer on their site.

Here's the deal. Unless someone puts the word out looking for blog contributions, DON'T ASK THAT QUESTION. Especially if the blog in question, like mine, is a personal blog. People don't visit the Jaded NYer to read Joe Schmo's words. They come for The Jaded NYer's words. GET YOUR OWN FUCKING BLOG!

And don't try to sugar-coat it with, "I'm just tryna get my feet wet in this blogging game" because THAT, kind sir, will get you NOWHERE. Fuck I care whatchu trying to get wet? Take that shit over to St. Elsewhere because HERE, at The Jaded NYer [dot] net I'M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED IN THE POOL.

My Kids Should Have A Reality Show
On a dare, I approached my kids with a little prank that went something like this:

ME: Ladies, I need to speak with you. As you know we're in a recession, money is tight, I'm not working as much and, well, we're gonna have to let one of you go.

K, you have to leave.

Why me? You're only in 4th grade. I'm the one who goes to [insert name of prestigious specialized high school here].

Yeah, but I'm the one going to college!

I really can't make this stuff up!

*smooches...crawling back into my cubby-hole of despair*
yup. that's pretty much where I've been these last few weeks. and no, there's nothing you can do about it, but thanks for asking.

Monday, March 08, 2010

The BEST Six Minutes Of My LIFE... And Other Musings...

Hey my dearies; I'm here with a Monday post for you, the kind you LOVE, and I love to write for you. Although I won't be staying long, here's some tidbits of Jaded living for you to enjoy.

Rice Is My Best Friend
I make no apologies about it- if no one else is around I make a small pot of rice and eat it standing over the stove. By myself. A whole pot. Therefore you should not be surprised that my next Cooking 101 episode with Darius T. Williams (Everyday Cookin') on Monday Musings would be about the Wonderful World of Rice!

Yeah, you read correctly. Darius and I will offer you 10 scrumptiously delicious rice recipes to go with almost anything you're cooking. Tune in, you know you want to!

Participate In A Service Day. Because I Say So.
My homie Josh is in charge of getting some volunteers for a service day in April in the Boogie Down. I know how helpful and charitable you all are so I figured I'd pass along the information.

I think I'll show up in my Mets fitted, yes?

The BEST Six Minutes Of My Life
I'm told this video is three-years-old, but since I ONLY just saw it it's NEW TO ME. And on a day when I seriously was searching long and hard for reason to smile, this video gave it to me. Enjoy!

You can thank me by sending me free music.

I Punched My Muse In The Face
Part of my departure from these internets has to do with my love-hate relationship with my writing career. Namely my ability to make a living with words. In the heat of the moment, after exchanging a few heated words with my muse, I sort of lost my temper and, well, I socked her in the kisser.

I sometimes come on here threatening people with machetes and whatnot but rarely do I resort to physical violence in my real life. This, however, could not be helped.

So now she's not speaking to me. Which means, for all intents and purposes, I've been silenced. And I really can't say when we will make up. I've already apologized; now it's up to her to forgive me.

*smooches...taking another week-long sabbatical*
Y'all come back on Monday, mmkay, because while the blog is on a break, the radio show is NOT.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Jaded Photographs 2010: March Edition

Alter Egos: Tahitian Vacation

*smooches...bringing my phone conversations w/Jack to life*
his Libido seems to have absconded to the Tahitian Islands with my Muse & Motivation. I'm sure his Libido manipulated my poor girls...trouble-making mo-fo!

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

"...Everybody's Flying And Never Touch The Sky..."

It's been a while since I took me a little blogging/social media break. Now seems as good a time as any. Why? Oh the usual bullshit...I let some stuff go for far too long that I should have dealt with before and now I have no choice but to deal with it and it has me all down and depressed and verklempt so I need to isolate myself in order to figure it all out. That's all. Nothing major.

But before I go on sabbatical I want to mention a few things, because I'm not sure how long I will be gone:

1- Jamie Cullum is in NYC this week (at the Town Hall on the 4th), Res is in Brooklyn on the 12th and V.V. Brown is at the Mercury Lounge on the 27th and I want to see all these artists in concert. Feel free to sponsor those little outings for me.

2- My next literary reading is on the 20th. It's Women's History Month so that will probably be the theme of the event. If you want to participate or attend, contact me at

3- Monday Musings will most likely still be going on this month, even if I'm not blogging or tweeting, so be on the lookout for show info every week.

4- I'm thinking about putting my Netflix account on hold this month. I'm not sure if I will be able to do it but that subscription is a fucking crutch I need to shed. Quickly. I fear that K might strangle me in my sleep, though, because she's heavy into "Lost" right now, sooooo, maybe not.

5- I've really enjoyed being single, truly madly deeply enjoyed it. But, err, it's starting to get a bit old. Just thought I'd put that out there in The Universe...

*smooches...signing off for a week or so*
I'm sure you'll be 10x more productive w/out this pesky blog taking up your day :D

Monday, March 01, 2010

Ten Best Picture Nominees?...And Other Musings

Happy Monday, folks. Here's some more of why you keep coming here:

Doses Of Reality
You all know JACK, right? My dearest darling gay husband? Last night, this love of my life helped me put some things in perspective as I lamented not accepting a certain ex's invitation to vacation with him in Puerto Rico last month.

ME: I should have gone...
JACK: No you shouldn't have
ME: But who else is offering me a free trip to Puerto Rico?
JACK: The DEVIL! The Devil offers free trips to Puerto Rico all the time!

(And in case you can't decipher Jack-speak, that is loosely translated to "Bitch PLEASE! He's wack and you were right for staying in NY")

Ten Best Picture Nominees?
If you know me you know one of my favorite pastimes is cutting down The Hollywood Machine as often as possible. From their lack of color on the small & silver screen to the unoriginal drivel they force down our throats, I believe my disdain for the entertainment industry is well-documented.

And tonight on Monday Musings I continue on that path as co-hosts Smarty Jones and newcomer and fellow movie junkie Malik 16 join me in a breakdown of the 2010 Best Picture nominees- ALL TEN OF THEM- just in time for Sunday's Oscar telecast. Tune in- you know you want to!

Since Some Of Y'all Have NO Home Trainin...
Far be it from me to tell someone else how to behave in social media land, really, because I keep showin' my ass alllllll over this here blog, your blog, twitter, Yahoo chats, BBM- you name it, I'm acting a fool in it.

But sometimes, SOMETIMES, people need to be, err, educated on how not to get they ass e-beat. Enter Smarty Jones & The F$%k-it List, who both approached me about doing a series of "Blogger Etiquette" posts throughout March and April.

You can read the first one here: No Swagger Jackin'!

Something STILL Ain't Right
I spent the entire weekend laying on my couch watching episodes of Law & Order: SVU, random (read: HORRIBLE) Netflix movies and sleeping. WTF? Just when I think I've got it together I don't. Right at the moment when I kinda sorta have a handle on my shit I collapse. There's work to be done and an apartment to keep under control and kids to oversee but all I can manage to do is lay on the couch. It feels like I'm outside myself watching this slothy loser wasting her life away.

Could it be that my subconscious mind does not want me to succeed in life? Is that possible? Does that really happen? And most importantly, can I crawl inside my mind and kick my subconscious' ass?

*smooches...struggling to get off the couch everyday*
and now that I have this laptop, sheeeeiiiittttt, I don't even need to leave the couch to get online. smh. I'm a stone-cold MESS!