Friday, November 16, 2012

Occupational Hazard

From the moment I rise until I begrudgingly pull away from social networking sites at 3AM, I'm in front of a computer typing articles for work or snarky Facebook statuses. It's all taking its toll on my brain (you read this blog, right?), back (I can barely drop it like it's lukewarm these days) and sadly, now my wrists.

See Exhibit A:

The writer's life

I guess it doesn't help that I also sleep ON my arm in the fetal position...

*smooches...fucking it up for myself*
one day I'll get it right. allegedly.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

How I Can Give Back

I'm just going to admit right now that I did not make it out to Far Rockaway or Coney Island to assist with any Post-Sandy clean-up efforts as I said I would, and my only excuse is that I suffer from a debilitating mental block that keeps me from wanting to leave my apartment most days. Especially if I'm leaving to mingle with new people. But you already knew that about me.

I will attempt to help out this weekend again (after I take N to basketball practice and maybe even surprise K with Ani DiFranco tickets), but in the meantime, check out my author site for details on how you can help by purchasing a copy of my book. Yes, it's a little self-serving...okay, maybe a lot self-serving. However it is a good book and the money will go to a great cause: getting this City back on its dysfunctional feet.

That is all.

*smooches...doing what I can*
I get tired of just talking about stuff; it's now a time for doing. now all I have to do is conquer my fear of social situations and leave my house this weekend...

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


DAUGHTER: There should be a pill you can take to make love go away.

MOTHER: Why would you want to make love go away? It's hard enough to find it in the first place.

*smooches...hoping you find love every day in every thing*
and all that other bullshit...

(dialogue is taken from the remake of the film The Women starring Meg Ryan)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

More Jaded Facts For Your Case Files

I'm feeling generous; here are some more facts about yours truly, in case you were DYING to get to know me better:

1- I'm not a picky eater, but if you put eggplant or salmon on my plate I will fight your face and go on a hunger strike. My grandmother used to cook eggplant and force me to eat it even though the texture reminded me of phlegm. The trauma of it all remains with me always.

2- I abuse every bit of power ever placed in my hands; because of this I've agreed (with The Voices) to never run for any kind of office. If you put me in charge I will be mean and rude and make everyone working for me cry or feel true fear.

3- I looked up my name on iTunes (I also google my name often) and found these songs. Yes, I'm super-vain like that. And look, they're both love songs, because everybody loves me and I'm so loveable men are moved to create songs about me telling me of their love :)

4- During a consultation with someone I sought alternative treatment from, I admitted out loud that I stay up late at night because I'm not ready to accept the reality of the next day, especially if I haven't done anything productive. It's like "Oh look, nothing from the TO DO list is done. You can't go to bed until you do these things because tomorrow you won't have time." Next thing you know it's 3AM and all I've done is watched clips of those hens fighting on "The View."

5- Much to my chagrin, I'm very in tune with my body, and I know the millisecond it's not going to feel well. I can also feel almost every aspect of my reproductive cycle, especially when I'm ovulating from my right side. And let me tell you, it's quite painful. It's also scary as hell; reminds me too much of my own mortality. But on the plus side, if I ever want another baby, I know to wait until I'm ovulating from the left side a.k.a the non-retarded ovary/fallopian tube.

*smooches...wondering what will be left to say in my memoir*
oh who am I kidding; I leave so much out I could fill TWO memoirs! now tell me 5 things about you :)

Monday, November 12, 2012

Learn You Somethin'!

On Saturday I went to my very first event at the 92nd Street Y ever and I can't believe I've lived here my whole life and never bothered to partake of their happenings. But anyway, I went and now I can cross that off my fake bucket list.

I was a mere FIVE FEET AWAY from Oliver Stone (and some other folks I've never heard of before but were very cool and funny) as they discussed the contents of the new book by Stone and Peter Kuznick, "The Untold History of the United States."

On Tuesday, November 13, you can go to the Union Square Barnes & Noble and see Stone & Kuznick promote the book, even get it signed. I must add, this is the first time I've ever wanted to actually buy a book about American history. Yes, because Stone is behind it, but does it matter? It just takes that one ounce of curiosity to open up a whole new world.

He's using his star-power for what appears to be good. No history teacher (other than my Western Civ instructor back in college) has ever made me want to learn more about old, dead things. And let me tell you, the conspiracy theorists in me is HUNGRY for something new, even if Stone said there's no "smoking gun" in the book. For someone who never bothered to learn this stuff in the first place, it's all new information.

Can't wait to see what I uncover!

*smooches...a bit nervous to dive into this world*
I'm afraid of the things I'll learn that can't be unlearned and may kill my spirit; wish me luck!

Friday, November 09, 2012

I Have A Juicer... now I can stop acting as if I like y'all and we're on the same level. Unless, of course, you're a member of a CSA or the Park Slope Co-op, in which case OF COURSE we're BFFs!! How else am I going to get my hands on the best, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables I need to juice myself toward optimum health?

In the meantime, feast your eyes on my new baby, gifted to me by a sweet co-worker who cares about my well-being:

I'm calling her Betty. Betty the Breville Juice Fountain. HATE ON ME HATERS!

*smooches...getting way too big for my britches*
I'm going to blame it on the Republicans; they're this month's villain du jour!

Thursday, November 08, 2012

"Nothing's Gonna Change My World"

I have a certain way that I like to live, certain things I like to do. And while I understand that change--good or bad--is inevitable, it doesn't mean I can't fight it in the face to the death.

*smooches...taking a break from growing and learning*
this week I think I'll just be an obnoxious, stubborn brat.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

There's A First Time For Everything

Normally, when I go on a random hiatus from blogging, I pre-date some entries real quick and act like they've been here the whole time and you just missed it. Well, I had to have a conversation with my OCD and explain that the stress of worrying about whether or not I had a Jaded Photograph for November up on the blog was one of the reasons our liver was acting up.


ME: Do you WANT to die? Because that's what will happen if you don't learn to chill the fuck out.

So here's me (us!) posting on a Wednesday evening, watching the snow mock me from my office window, and willing myself not to care that I've not updated you guys for over five days. The Rockaways were pummeled to death by a hurricane; I think my OCD will survive this minor (non)tragedy.

We do hope you and yours are doing well and haven't lost anything that can't be replaced. I once had an entire basket of childhood photos RUINED by water damage and cried myself to sleep for days afterward. I know it's all material stuff but it still hurts. Watching the coffee table your great-great-great-grandmother brought over from the old country, that was handed down to you, wash away in a flood hurts. Do not be afraid or ashamed to mourn the things you've lost, especially if what you've lost is your sense of security.

And please, if we're friends or know each other in real life, and you're cold or hungry or displaced because of Sandy or even this stupid, rude, audacious snow that is falling outside my office window, please do not hesitate to contact me. My place is small but I have a comfy and warm-ish couch plus some yummy vittles with your name on them. We can gorge on cheesy Netflix movies all night!

*smooches...slowly trying to get back to normal*
if it's even possible...