So This Is Mavi, My iPhone.

I know, I know, you're reading that title like "OH MY GOD, THE WORLD IS ENDING, RAQUEL HAS AN IPHONE!" but relax. I've not been fully infiltrated by the Robot Army just yet.

Of course my lock screen features my babies!

Let me explain how this all happened...

A few months ago I went into the Verizon store because I wanted to get a tablet or something like it, that I could use when hosting events in order to update various social media platforms with information about said events. The sales rep looked at me all crazy and was all "Why don't you just get a smartphone?" I, in turn, listed all the reasons I didn't want one, including cost (which was my number one reason!).

The rep proceeded to lay out all the costs for me, and it turned out the iPhone he was offering wouldn't cost me more than what I was already paying with my regular phone, plus the phone itself was free. "And why carry three different devices (iPod, phone, tablet) when you can just carry one?"

He was making so much sense; how could I pass up the deal?

So now I have an iPhone. And an Instagram account. And game apps that suck the battery life out of my phone. I can never leave the house without a charger. And the amount of selfies saved in my camera is almost criminal. But I promise, I'm not one of these phone-obsessed zombies; I put mine away and just LIVE sometimes.

At least for now.

*smooches...checking IG as I type*
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I'm so fascinated by what people upload to Instagram. Sometimes it's cool, but sometimes, SOMETIMES you hit gold and find that person who is posting pure trash. I live for that person!

A Real Quick Sorry...

...for all the times I stayed stuck on my Blackberry, ignoring you and what you had to say.

Now that I've gotten rid of my smartphone I see how obnoxious and rude it is to keep heads bowed and thumbs in position. Where have our manners gone? What has happened to our attention spans?

I truly apologize to you, you and you for every time I checked my Twitter timeline or emails while you were in mid-sentence about something that was important to you. All of that could have waited until I got home. And it was unnecessary for my phone to be on the table, between us, at dinner. I would have felt it vibrate from my pocket. I didn't need it within sight like an electronic security blanket.

And I really want to say sorry to myself, for allowing a machine to keep me from enjoying the moment, soaking in real, touchable, tangible life, and depending on faceless transmissions from a tiny screen to validate my existence.

This is not who I set out to be. I want to be the person who digs her bare feet into the dirt and becomes one with the world, and then sits there in the same dirt and writes about it. I want to be front row center at a show and let the music pour over me uninterrupted. I want to sit in my seat with my popcorn and blue raspberry slushee and see a whole movie- previews to closing credits- without having to bring all the world with me.

I want to sit across from my friends, look them in the face and honestly say "Yes. I'm listening to you and I care about what you're saying because I love you," without having a phone between us.

And I can only hope you'd do the same for me.

*smooches...really paying attention now*
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and now that I'm here in the moment, anything you care to say?

Some Sanity Lost, Some Sanity Found

Right before it was decided that Joshua, my old computer, needed to be replaced, I thought it a good idea to backup all my data in preparation for Joshua III. Smart, right? One would think. Except instead of pressing BACKUP I pressed SYNC which, in case you didn't know, like I didn't know, are NOT THE SAME THING.

My absentmindedness cost me the thousands and thousands of songs I had saved on the external hard drive- some bought from Amazon, some from iTunes, some gotten through old zshare links from friends and some I got from borrowing CDs from the public library. None of them saved anywhere else. All of them now gone.

The moment I realized what I had done (weeks later) AND that the few songs recovered on the external hard drive weren't transferring over correctly because the drive caught the same virus Joshua had or something, I sat perfectly still, staring at Joshua III and trying not to fall apart. Trying not to do bodily harm to myself for being so stupid. Trying not to take it out on the beautiful new computer Mari gifted me. "This is a live and learn moment, Raquel. Please do not lose your shit," I told myself out loud. "You can get them all back little by little. Please get up from this chair, throw some water on your face and take a nap."

(Yes, sometimes I have to have conversations with myself out loud or else...)

The next day, after I vegged out in front of the computer with some old "30 Rock" episodes, I began to comb my Gmail account for the links to albums friends had sent me in the past. Some of them were dead (the links, not the friends!) but some of them still worked. I calmly uploaded the songs I could and made note of the ones I needed to get. Then I remembered- I had a stack of CDs I had burned prior to 2006 that Marcin was holding for me (YES, since 2006) after I abruptly left the magazine where we both worked. Those CDs made up the bulk of the music I had saved on ol' Joshua and all of a sudden they were the most important things in the world to me!

When I finally got them back OH THE JOY I FELT IN MY HEART! There were songs on there I didn't even remember having! And today- this rainy, running-late, forgot-to-eat-breakfast-and-pack-lunch, left-my-debit-card-in-my-bag-when-I-went-to-Old-Navy-to-shop-for-N, day, I found a smaller stack of CDs that were labeled "Rocky's Tunes" and "Travel Mix" from 2008 and 2009. On "Travel Mix, Vol. 1" were the most awesome and ratchet rap & reggae songs that I love love love and it amazed me how this dusty find could take my frown and LITERALLY turn it upside down:











I don't even know where I got these songs from but THANK GOD FOR THEM ALL.

Now no one has to die.

*smooches...grooving inappropriately all day*
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listen, whatever it takes to get through the day...

¡Viva La Jaded Revolución!

Two years ago I agreed to a new contract with my boss at the PR firm which would allow me to freelance for him and his clients as opposed to being a salaried employee chained to a desk all day. At the time I was severely unhappy at this job and welcomed the opportunity to not have to deal with these people face to face anymore. YES, working from home in my pajamas for [insert hourly rate], Alex!

Immediately after I also signed on for two other paying freelance gigs and figured it was time to do the unthinkable: buy a smartphone. You all remember Phillip (may he rest in peace), yes? Yeah, he was cool, as was his replacement, Esteban, until they weren't.

So I crunched the numbers, analyzed the pros and cons and finally had to make some hard decisions to improve my bottom line. Esteban had to be laid off.

As of Monday, October 10, I will cancel my fourth phone line, shut down my Blackberry smartphone and begin to enjoy life without having the entire internet stuck at my hip 24 hours a day.



Sure I'll miss its convenience and all, but the truth is, I'm not faring too well in this era of extreme accessibility. I like being able to escape, stay under the radar, fall into the background. All of this is hard to do when the whole world has access to you and vice versa.

First of all, the freelance gigs dried up and I found myself using the phone more for fun than for work. Sudoku and Brick Breaker kept me company on long commutes. I became obsessed with checking emails every waking minute. And don't even get me started on how much stuff I missed because I was mobile tweeting or BBMing more than I was living or working!

Then my phone bills started to come in and I almost died of a heart attack. With FOUR phone lines my monthly statements were nearly $230- completely unacceptable for someone who's living paycheck-to-paycheck like me.

And finally, the damn thing proved to be pretty crappy, volatile and prone to bugs and breakage at an alarming rate. I can't even tell you how many times I've had to pull the battery out and reboot the damn phone. I mean, is it too much to ask that a machine that costs me almost $50 a month in fees WORK when I need it to WORK?

In 2006, I decided to not get a television for my new apartment. In 2011, I've decided to not have a smartphone. Some may see this as moving backwards; I see it as taking back my life. When the Robot Invasion takes place, you'll all wish you'd followed my lead...

*smooches...wondering how long before I toss out my computer*
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SIKE! as much as I hate to admit it I actually NEED a computer. BOOOOO!

Joshua I – Beloved Friend And Confidant

Not much good came out of my stint at the Waco School for Girls, but there were some highlights. Like the friendship I cultivated that is still going strong even though there are 3,000 miles between us, and the realization that I was in a shit marriage with a shit man. And, of course, Joshua I, the Dell Dimension 4700 desktop computer I invested in with my fabulous new private school salary.

Prior to Joshua we had the crappiest computer Rent-a-Center had to offer (UGH!) and when this sleek Dell came into my life a choir of angels sang Prince songs to me. Shit like ADORE and DIAMONDS AND PEARLS and fucking LET’S GO CRAZY. Angels, dawg, ANGELS!!

Basically I was really excited to get this computer. Even though the school supplied everyone with Macbooks, I was in love with this computer. I even had it custom built; told the Dell customer service dude everything I needed it to have and had it made just for me. I was ready to take over the world with Joshua as my sidekick!

The name was a no-brainer: it was to be N's moniker had she been a boy (taken from the computer's name in War Games...yes, I'm that much of a geek. Shut up.), but she was born with a vagina and was to be our last child, so the computer became the son I never had. It was cherished beyond belief. I put so many restrictions on others using it that sometimes, no one else would WANT to use it at all. And often, whether people were around or not, I'd talk to it and say things like, "Come ON, Joshua, please just work for mommy! I'm trying to find a job!" or "OK, Joshua, clearly you're tired and want to go to sleep. We can watch ER tomorrow." It was a tumultuous but loving relationship.

There was that one time in 2007 when it wouldn't power on and swallowed my thesis whole. BOY WAS THAT A FUN WEEK! And then there was the time in 2009 when the DVD player started opening and closing on its own for no apparent reason. THAT WASN'T CREEPY AT ALL. Joshua has been around since Day 1 of this blog and seen so much fuckery that well, if he could talk I'd be in jail. We survived chatrooms, illegal downloads, porn marathons and stank emails back and forth between me and my ex during the first few months of our divorce. I honed my Photoshop and Quark Xpress skills on Joshua; discovered YouTube and Twitter with Joshua and finally, created much literary magic with Joshua.

Unfortunately, he's just a computer. One born in 2004 and used to death everyday of his life, not unlike The Giving Tree. And now, he's a tired stump that just wants some peace.

I write all this so that you truly understand the heaviness in my heart right now as I inform you that Joshua I is no longer with us. Whatever virus has taken over the motherboard is stronger than we can battle with our limited resources, and I wanted to keep fighting for him because I'm not the type to just replace shit on a whim, but after more than a year with severe computer problems in this very computer-dependent society, I had to finally throw in the towel.

I'm actually sad about it. I understand it's a machine and it's just a material possession, but it was one of the first things I'd ever bought with my own money that was just mine, and it played a huge part in my becoming more and more independent.

Joshua, my good (and sometimes annoyingly infuriating) friend, you will be missed.

*smooches...getting kinda weepy over a machine*
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I never thought my analog self would see the day that I shed a tear over a fucking machine...SkyNet has won. Abandon all hope. The end is near.

Technology Deprivation SUCKS!... And Other #FirstWorldProblems

>>Although I told myself I'd stop getting on the scale...I got on the scale. But WOOHOO it was good news so it's okay- I'm at 185 which brings my total weightloss to 12lbs. IN YO FACE, HYDROXYCUT!! Only thing is, now I have to step up my workouts and such and, well, I DON'T WANNA!

>>The Jaded NYer (blog) has a milestone birthday coming up in the fall and we're celebrating it! Most of you will be invited. A lot of you won't. Most of it is already planned or set. Now I just have to figure out what to wear, how my hair should look and oh yeah HOW WILL I PAY FOR IT ALL?!

>>I have three computers: an old Vaio on permanent loan from Minnie that isn't hooked up to the 'net; Joshua, my seven-year-old Dell desktop; and Joshua II, my wittle-biddy-baby HP laptop. They're all being douche-like these days and so I'm behind on my TV watching. And internet surfing. And Pandora listening. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!

>>Esteban, my Blackberry Tour, is also being a douche...he keeps telling me I have four new messages when, in fact, I have ZERO. Also, I can't stream music or play games for long periods of time AND I can't see a lot of sites or videos. Little fucker costs a bundle and can't do SHIT ALL WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. (oh wait- it makes and receives calls, though...but still!)

>>My uterus hurts. Okay, maybe not my uterus, but something in the uterine region. AGAIN. I'm trying to avoid WebMD and my fake medical degree from the Guam School of Not-Real Medicine is telling me it's a UTI only because it's a similar pain. But I'm not getting any penile injections in my girly parts these days, and haven't since four score and seven years ago, so please explain HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT SEES NO ACTION BE SO MUCH TROUBLE?!

*smooches...spewing some randomness on a Wednesday*
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maybe tomorrow I'll come with the sunshine or the funny. maybe.

Ten Things I'd Like To Try In 2011

These aren't resolutions. These are things I'd like to cross off my "If I Have Time And Money One Day" list.

1- Shooting. I've always considered myself a knife gal. It's more personal to get up in there and...um, I mean, I just think knives are pretty. Like metal art. But I've had so many people recommend I try shooting lately that, oh, what the heck. I want to see what the big deal is already.

2- Make Sancocho. Right now, if I want this tasty Dominican stew I have to ask my aunt for a batch or travel way uptown to The Heights to grab a quick bowl of it. I'd like to see if I can make one myself...even if my attempt to make habichuelas con dulce failed miserably *sigh*

3- Go Back To School. This, of course, requires funds and time and a finished MFA degree (although not really because my MFA is a terminal degree, but for sanity's sake let's pretend I need to finish it BEFORE I start school again), but I've been toying with the idea since 2007. I'd like to try that Comparative Lit program at CUNY. It sounds fun!

4- Boxing. When I had a trainer in 2004, he introduced me to kickboxing and I liked it a lot. Go figure- ME, into punching and kicking! And one of my all-time favorite films is "Girlfight" with Michelle Rodriguez. Plus I love to read Bangsy's tweets about her boxing class...it sounds like the type of exercise I can appreciate: beating the shit out of something. I still hate the sport, but for shits and giggles I'd like to give it a go.

5- Conscious Cooking. Sometimes I sit and think about all the shit I feed my kids and get sad. I've always wanted to be more tuned into the foods I prepare for them: from where did they come? Did the farmers use harmful pesticides, etc? What was the carbon footprint of the meal I just made? I think I'll experiment with that occasionally and see if I can sustain it.

6- Write A Novel. The idea is so beyond me. I'm a 100%, bonified short-story girl through and through, but eh, why not? I got some old manuscripts I found in a file a few months ago. Maybe I can turn them into something, without the constraints of a contest or deadline or anything. Just write a lil novel when the mood strikes and see what develops.

7- Attend A Black Tie Event. I want to wear a ballgown and be fancy. Make-up, hair, nails, shoes and a magnificent, red-carpet-worthy dress. Sometimes even us Jaded Gals like to feel like a princess, you know? I'm gonna try for one in 2011.

8- Driving. Maybe. Y'all make suuuuuuuch a big deal about it. "You don't know how to drive? You're such a New Yorker!" Is that an insult? Because I wear that scarlet NY on my chest with pride! Still, same as with shooting, I'd like to see what all the hubbub is with driving. Meh.

9- Detaching From Electronics. This has been on my mind a lot. It probably isn't possible for too long, seeing as I have this blog (and others) to maintain, but I like the idea of being unplugged and off the grid, you know, so that SkyNet doesn't take over my life 100%. I'm going to toy with this from time to time so don't be surprised if you have to send smoke signals to get a message to me.

10- Falling In Love. I want to try it. I hear it's nice even when it doesn't last. The End.

*smooches...wondering how many I can get done in 12 months*
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my money's on the shooting and the sancocho...'cause you know I love violence and food!

I'm Worth More Than That

This crappy economy has taught me a valuable lesson in self-worth. It shed some light on something Mami tried to explain to me when I started freelancing, but didn’t notice until I was really starving for funds: Employers really don’t think much of writers. And you can really see evidence of that in the various writing mills around the internet.

Currently, regardless of what people are willing to pay, I am worth a pretty penny on an hourly basis. I mean, not as much as a hooker (those bitches make sooooo much more than I do...got me rethinking my life choices n shit) but still, a good lot o’ dough. These writing mills (Demand Media Studios [although Demand now offers SOME per-hour writing opportunities], Suite101, etc) claim to offer writers great opportunities but if you ask me it’s somewhat of a legal scam.

In my experience the jobs up for grabs on those sites, at most, pay you about $25 per article. Total. At first you think, “Ooh, I can knock out four articles this week and make a cool $100!” Then you realize, had you really itemized the expenses you incurred for writing said article, you end up losing. Besides, I made way more than $100 PER ARTICLE freelancing for Batanga Magazine and PCI Journal. Even working in The Basement paid $100/day, and that was one shitty ass job. How can I afford to take such a huge pay cut?

Even the best writers need at least 3-5 hours to produce a good article. This includes research, fact-checking, interviewing, writing and editing. For argument's sake let’s say you can create a really good piece in five hours...what have you to show for those five hours of your talented time, wear-and-tear on your computer, electricity, internet service, time away from other opportunities or family and friends, maybe even ink and paper if you’re the type that can’t read off of a screen for too long? $25 lousy dollars. That breaks down to $5/hour— LESS than you’d earn in five hours at McDonald’s. WRITING MILLS ARE PAYING YOU LESS THAN MCDONALD’S! If this was Gone-With-The-Wind, Georgia, sure, take the $5 and run. But my name ain't Mammy. You're gonna have to pay me a real, 2010-2011 living wage.

Sure, there’s the argument that some money is better than no money, and in this crippling economic climate we have to take what we can get, but that’s what writing mills are counting on. They hope and pray and KNOW that a lot of us are broke, in debt, young, stupid, starving artists, and are exploiting us. They are telling us we’re worth less than $5/hour. “Fuck your degree, your experience, your connections. Take these seven pennies and get the fuck outta here!” I don’t take too kindly to that kind of disregard for my hard work.

Hookers know what their vaginae and mouths are worth, especially for bareback encounters. Why should us writers settle for less?

*smooches...refusing to compromise*
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you let ONE writing mill walk all over you, next thing you know you're working around the clock, producing all this collateral for them and you're still broke. Fuck that!

The End Of A Jaded Era

Okay, maybe not an era, but definitely the end of what I and about four of you considered an important part of The Jaded Empire: As of February 1st, Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends will no longer be on the air.

On Wednesday I received an email from Dan Kashman at Blog Talk Radio outlining a new fee schedule to which I’d have to adhere if I wished to continue my show as is. He did offer a revised, more restricted, free account that allowed me to “conduct only one, 30-minute show per day” and “upload and store a maximum of three audio files for use during your show” but that's not something that works for me and the dynamics of my segments.

Blog Talk Radio is also taking away my ability to “schedule shows during prime time hours” or “schedule private episodes.”

Therefore I made the executive decision to just end the show. I will not heed any suggestions to find a new home or continue with a 30-minute segment instead because frankly it’s not worth it.

At most, five of you listen to the show live and MAYBE one of you will actually call in. If Monday Musings depended on ratings to survive we would have been canceled faster than NBC’s “Undercovers” (SHOTS FIRED!!). Perhaps that’s my fault for not stepping up my marketing game, or maybe I chose a sucky time slot, or maybe I’m just not as great a radio host as y’all have pumped me up to be. Whatever the reason, I don’t feel it’s worth it to continue chasing my tail with this venture.

Each week I’m practically begging for listeners, trying to choose topics of interest to you, etc, only to be disappointed episode after episode. It has become the equivalent of an abusive relationship. Every Monday I tell myself “This is the week they’re going to tune in. This is the week they will call me and ask questions and interact with me.” But I’m proved wrong every time.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I put Monday Musings to rest after 2.5 seasons. It was a nice run with great co-hosts and discussions and such. But Blog Talk Radio has, with these new changes, offered me an opportunity to stop beating a dead horse, give it a proper burial and move on.

Thank you to everyone who listened and called and co-hosted and encouraged me along the way. “I hope you had the time of your life.”

*smooches...turning my focus elsewhere*
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there are still 5 episodes left (of course!); feel free to ignore those as well. we won’t miss you one bit.

Go Outside And Live LIFE!

"Our culture is obsessed with 'reality' precisely because we are experiencing hardly any."

-book description of Reality Hunger: A Manifesto by David Shields

*smooches...vowing to live more from now on*
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I spend entirely too much time in front of the computer screen. and then I wonder why my attention span is at 4.2 seconds...

In Memorium: Phillip BlackBerry, October 2009 - May 2010

*walks up to the front of the church*

"Hello everyone. I wish I could be addressing you all under happier circumstances. Unfortunately we are gathered here today to bid adieu to our very good friend, Phillip BlackBerry.

"Phillip, or Philly-boy as he liked to be called, was only with us a short time, but in those 7-months that he graced us with his presence we were better off. I can't count how many times he sent and received nude photos. Or how many times he formed the words: *DEAD* when BBMing with friends.

"Oh and the emoticons... Philly-boy liked the devil-horned one the best."

*wipes tears*

"I'm not sure if I can find it in me to replace Phillip at this time; our relationship was a tumultuous one but it was still special. From they day he came to live with me, donning his pretty pink coat and boasting global usage capabilities I knew we'd bump heads. But I've never liked my men to be push-overs and Philly-boy was no exception."

*begins to sob*

"I can't continue... I HURT... with a passion SOOOO DEEEEEP! Smarty, please, can you take over??"

"Good day, all. I stand before you today with a heavy heart. My BlackBerry Poindexter Too was asked to deliver this eulogy in memory of his friend, Philip, but he’s been having a hard time since he heard.

"We became acquainted with Philip sometime last year. The four of us often messaged back and forth about everything from writing to the men Jaded and I had no business dealing with to our daily life’s frustrations. We even had the occasional bat-shit conversations that ended up on Jaded’s blog. Yes, those were good times.

"We stand (sit) here today with little comfort as we are unsure of his sudden, untimely demise. Somehow, we’ll be able to move on without you. Though we know you are irreplaceable, hopefully, in time, we’ll be able to convince Jaded that she should get another BlackBerry.

"Farewell, Philip. We’ll miss you!"

"Ladies & gentlemen, today we lay to rest a dear friend."

*sobs uncontrollably*

"And I really just...I...can't... MNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

*throws self on casket*



*smooches...finding comfort in the fact that Roscoe is still with me*
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You all had jokes about my old LG Chocolate, but look who's still standing after nearly two years and look who just up and DIED after only seven months...

All Kinds Of Minds Indeed

When I worked at the Waco School for Girls in Pottersville, New Jersey, the lunatic in charge head of school, David Koresh Jenifer, had all the faculty participate in some ol' bullshit this professional development program called All Kinds of Minds. This program was geared towards kids who were not succeeding in a traditional school environment (i.e. ALL of the girls at Waco) and the tools we as educators (and parents) needed to change all that.

At first I was all rolling my eyes and not in the mood to personalize all of my classroom lessons to 15 different learning styles. I mean really- if you can't learn the regular way then go work at McDonald's because every time I go there I have to wait all day for fresh fries so clearly they're understaffed! Haven't these people ever heard, the world needs ditch-diggers, too?

It wasn't until after I left that awful, horrible, no good place that I realized that program was onto something because I, too, have trouble succeeding academically in a traditional classroom setting. Not that I've ever been tested or diagnosed, but even with my little bit of teaching experience and my extensive background in being a student, I could tell the idea behind this program was not a sham.

Everyone does learn differently, and need different things to help them do well in school. Me, I'm what's considered a cross between a visual & interactive learner. This means my brain has trouble processing information that I hear, but if I'm shown this information in a hands-on way I'm able to grasp it better. The reason? My mind will hear something, and in that something one to two words will trigger a thought unrelated to what's going on and next thing you know it's been five minutes and I've missed everything you've just said.

Is there medication for this? Hell- they've got medication for the pins and needles you feel in your leg when you've been sitting on it too long, I'm super sure there are meds for this. But a better, drug-free solution, in my opinion, is to help a child learn in a fashion that their brain is able to handle. Is this costly and unavailable in many schools? Yes. Are there kids that genuinely need medication? Eh, maybe. My point is, there's an alternative.

As much as I LOATHED my time at Waco it really helped me when dealing with my own children, whether we're dealing with academic or behavioral matters. K seems to be rather auditory in her learning; I can tell her something, she'll say "got it" and keep it moving. N, on the other hand, seems to be more in tune with my style of learning where if you talk at her too much you will lose her. Even when I discipline her I keep my reprimands short, sweet, to the point and always try to preface it with "look at my face" and end it with "what did I just say?" (see, if you make them repeat it you can gauge if your point got across)

Why are we talking about this? Because some really nice people offered to talk me through my computer problems and I had to abruptly shut them down. Not because I'm a lazy ungrateful bitch but because you TELLING me how to fix my computer, short of saying "unplug it and start over" is not going to work and take twenty times as long than someone sitting at the desk, showing me how it needs to be fixed. Guaranteed I'll know how to fix it on my own from then on.

It's the basic "give the man a fish..." situation. Writing instructions, to my brain, is like giving me a fish. Coming over here and SHOWING me is, well, showing me how to fish. It may sound backwards to you, but I think we already knew that about my brain, no?

*smooches...for all those with special learning needs*
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part of being a great student is knowing your learning style and being vocal about it. It's the only way I was able to get through all the schooling I got through.

OH SNAP! look at me being all teacherly n shit! *poses*

We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties

PLEASE STAND BY

(If there are any computer experts who can PHYSICALLY come over here and fix my computer I'd be willing to barter with you- I can write, cook, clean, tutor, draw crazy stick figures and sing all the songs in West Side Story, Grease, Annie and Buffy, The Musical off-key.

PLEASE don't just offer ways I can fix it myself in the comments because that will anger me. I've already TRIED doing that. I need an expert. Who knows PCs. Thank you.)

*smooches...wondering who put this pox upon my house and why*
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I seriously have some sort of curse on me or something because everything, YES, EVERYTHING is turning to shit before my very eyes...is this because I promised not to make any Pope jokes in 2009 but did it anyway? *sigh* The Vatican is so freakin spiteful, shoooo!