JOSIE RETIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in mourning. Inconsolable. Actually crying at my desk this very minute, and if you think I'm joking then you don't know me very well.

Josie, my hairstylist for the past ten years, retired. As in she's not doing hair anymore. At all.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

And before you start with the "find someone else" bullshit... DON'T!

When Mami first told me to go to Josie to get my hair done for my cousin Maribel's wedding, Josie took one look at my chin length and damaged hair and asked, "Why do you get your hair chemically relaxed?" My response was, "I just always have." And she said, "Well, keep coming to me and I'll show you that you don't need it, just a shampoo and a deep conditioner. You'll see."

Ten years later... well, you've seen my hair- it's long and healthy and beautiful and chemical free since 1998, all because Josie cared more about the health and beauty of my hair than she did about charging me for an expensive and unnecessary treatment. I got my hair done for less than $30 every time (not including costs for the dye jobs, of course). EVERY time, even when the economy was ass.

After that first visit, no matter how far away I lived from her salon (which was located in The Heights, of course, by the GW Bridge) and despite the fact that going to Josie meant I'd be in the salon for a minimum of FIVE HOURS, I went to see her every 4 to 6 months for a deep conditioning, color, trim, whatever... she always advised me on great styles and products and colors that matched my lifestyle and skin tone and hair texture... she actually cared, you know what I mean? oh my god, I can't stop crying... what am I going to do now?

The woman who answered the phone was all like, "Maria is still here, and Rita and BLAH BLAH BLAH" LIKE I CARE!!! None of them could tame my hair like Josie. NONE OF THEM. Maria maybe, but she's told me in the past- she doesn't like dealing with natural hair and prefers to deal with relaxed hair. Plus she likes to overcharge for shit (right, Minnie?!?!). I can't trust her to care for my hair like Josie did.

And I just know that other Dominican salons are not going to want to deal with my hair without a relaxer, and I know this because the few times I've had to see a different stylist, they all complain about "how much" hair I have and that it would take less time to style it if it was relaxed. You know how Dominican women can be sometimes... And Black salons don't use rolos and like to use hot irons and hair grease and the such on my hair, which Josie always advised against.

I'm seriously in a funk right now and the tears won't stop. I'm distraught. My appetite is even gone, that's how depressed I am. Meanwhile, I'm in desperate need of a deep conditioning, color and trim because this red coloring is seriously growing out and my roots are out of control and I wanted to go back to my natural dark brown.

I'm just... ugh... what am I going to do now???

*no smooches...because my hair will never be the same again"
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I feel like a family member died... I can't even think straight...

Special Sunday Post Because I Got Tagged, DAMMIT!

I guess my tag vaccination wore off.. I gotta remember to get those shots every six months...

Anyways, clnmike tagged me, so now here it is, my list of favorite movies from A-Z.

And I ain't taggin nobody. The F$%k it List said Obama is my president now so I don't have to do anything I don't want to. That's right, I'm pulling my "My President is Black" card before he's even in office. Cause I'm gangsta like that.

Now on to my movies...

A- Anniversary Party, The: Look it up! It's an awesome film by and starring Jennifer Jason Leigh and Alan Cumming. Just pure indie genius.



B- Breakfast Club, The: Are you kidding? Do you have to ask?

C- Carlito's Way: Mari might not remember this movie because when Mami and I took her to see it... she fell asleep in the theater, but Pacino is a baaaaad motherfucker in this flick. My favorite line: "Remember me? I'm Benny Blanco, from the Bronx."

D- Dirty Dancing: Never in my life have I wanted to be a short Jewish girl more than when I saw this movie, and not because I was swooning for Swayze, but because she got to wear those cool white capri pants and white keds. *sigh*

E- Ever After: I have a warm spot in my heart for Drew Barrymore, and this movie is a cute retelling of Cinderella. And her dress for the ball? FABULOUS!

F- Fracture: It's a new one, but oh so good. Anthony Hopkins orchestrated that whole murder beautifully HOWEVER... when will criminals start to realize, there is no such thing as the perfect crime?

G- Gone With the Wind: I know it's about a time and place when the likes of me would have been whipped for giving Scarlet's dumb-ass the side eye, but I can't help myself! Vivien Leigh is one of the most beautiful white women ever to grace the silver screen and I *love* this film.

H- High Fidelity: Did you really think I wouldn't add in a John Cusack movie? In this one he plays a record shop owner who's girlfriend just dumped him and he's trying to mend his broken heart. It's actually cooler than I described it. Trust me.



I- Identity: Starring, guess who? John. Cusack. No but seriously, this movie was so well written that I really truly did not guess who the bad guy was until they revealed it in a very "Ten Little Indians" kind of way. Genius!

J- Josie and the Pussycats: I feel bad that Tara Reid can barely get arrested these days, because I really liked her in this film. PLUS, my girl Parker Posey was in it. Heyyy Parker, wassup, girl!

K- Kindergarten Cop: "It's not a tumah!" Need I say more?

L- Life as a House: If you ever want to see me cry as proof that I, too, possess human emotions, then invite me over and pop this movie in. Kevin Kline is dying, and all he wants to do before he dies is finish building his house and mend fences with his son. I'm crying just thinking about it.

M- Mummy, The: I loved Brendan Fraser in this, and the guy that played Imhotep was kind of a smooth hottie. What? I was just making an observation...

N- Ninth Gate, The: I love movies that reference the devil and the bible and all that good vs. evil shit. And it doesn't hurt that Johnny Depp is in this film, either!



O- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: My mom actually rented this movie and had me watch it when I was a kid. You wouldn't think that a small child would enjoy such a film, but I did. It's still one of my faves!

P- Philadelphia Story, The: Katherine Hepburn. Clark Gable. James Stewart. HILARIOUS! What more do you need to know?

Q- Quiet Man, The: C is the ONLY black John Wayne fan that I know, so when we were married we watched a lot of his movies. The Quiet Man is not a cowboy piece so I agreed to watch it and I fell in love with it! It's so funny and lovely and OMG just rent it and watch it!

R- RAMBO: "They drew first blood, not me." That's what I'm saying!!! Why couldn't John Rambo just chill in your town, man? He served this country for your stupid ass and then you hose him down in the jail like some common criminal? Y'all got what you deserved! (and YES I know the movie is actually titled, First Blood, but I call it Rambo. You got a problem with that?)

S- Saturday Night Fever: WOO HOO! John Travolta and his hair and his shirt and those moves! HA! This movie is a gem... except when his stupid buddy jumps off the bridge. That just totally kills my buzz every time...

T- Ten Things I Hate About You: Okay, listen... I love teen movies. Just deal. And while everyone is remembering Heath Ledger's dumb suicidal ass for The Joker and that gay cowboy he played, I'll remember him as the dude who was paid to date that chick but fell in love with her for real instead.



U- Unforgiven: I don't like westerns, but this movie.. WOOOO-EEEEE. Clint Eastwood just ain't no kind of joke in this film... I highly recommend it!

V- Virgin Suicides, The: I can seriously watch this movie over and over and not get tired. And the book? Even better. And the soundtrack? PERFECTION.

W- What Happens in Vegas: Usually I don't like Ashton Kutcher, because he basically is playing Kelso in every film he does, but this movie is so freakin funny I can't help it!



X- X-Men: This movie was ok, and I only put it in because, well, it's the only movie I've ever seen that starts with an X!

Y- Young Guns: Or as I like to call it, The Brat Pack in Chaps. Me loves it, especially when Billy the Kid says, "I'll make ya famous!" Or was that from the sequel? Ooh I used to torture Mari with that line over and over!

Z- Zebrahead: Okay, confession time... at one point, for a very SMALL PERIOD OF TIME, I may have had a teeny, tiny crush on Michael Rapaport, and this movie just exasperated it. But I got over it. Promise.

*smooches... realizing that there are so many movies I didn't mention...*
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...but choosing to walk away from this post before I get too obsessed.

See that? What just happened there? That's called "growth."

***REMINDER***

Hey NYC Bloggers:

Are we meeting up at Bembe or what? I've heard from a couple of people but I don't want to leave anyone out...

Details....

WHEN: Saturday, October 4th, 12AM
WHERE: Bembe, on N6th and Berry in Williamsburg, BK
RSVP: rpenzo@thejadednyer.net

Email me with any questions/comments, etc, because I'm closing comments.

*smooches...so ready to sweat out my 'do*
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but warning: I may not be partaking of too many libations... I'm trying to cut back :D

and in case you missed it, check out my love letter to baseball below...

In Syndication Five Times Over!

So this, ladies and gentlemen, is the 500th post of The Jaded NYer.



*APPLAUSE*

At first I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, but then I figured it would be fun so why not? I even figured I could do a tiny give-away, which I've been discussing with the entire Cast of The Jaded NYer* for a while now. No better time than the present, right?

Kool And The Gang - Celebration
by djoik

So let's get on with the extravaganza...

First, for all the newbies (and the-not-so-new but oh-so-nosy vets), I'm willing to take a page from the other blogs I've read and open myself up for questions**- TWO EACH TOPS, okay? nosy-ass mo-fo's... and I promise to answer it 100% honestly; The Cast will make sure I'm not lying.

Next, I'm gonna test your Jaded NYer trivia skills... for the first person to list my four celebrity crushes correctly in the comments, I will send you this, hot off the presses... drum roll, please......



The Jaded NYer TShirt!!! Yeah, bitchez, I finally broke down and made myself a shirt, and one for readers/fans/cast members. My shirt looks like this:



The graphic is a wee bit stretched out on my shirt, but what can I do? It's a blessing AND a curse...

Then, for the fifth person to leave a comment, I will send you this... hot off the presses, too, The Official Jaded NYer Academic Calendar, complete with gorgeous photos of MY New York- not the one you see in the movies.



Why an academic calendar? Because that's the kind I use... you got a problem with free shit? The nerve...

Finally, for the next three runners-up to the Name My Celeb Crushes question... an autograph picture of yours truly!!!

*crickets*

What? You don't want it?? Why I oughtta...

*****

So now a time for reflection on this whole blogging game...



I first became aware of them through Irene- she introduced me to LiveJournal and we each had an account and I think I wrote like 5 entries and then gave up. Then I couldn't remember my login information- this happens to me a lot- so I never went back.

Then I read a peculiar news item about a woman in California who was fired for writing about her job. Today we know her as DOOCE, AKA Heather B. Armstrong, and she's still my favorite blogger of ALL TIME! To me, she's like the Don Corleone of blogging. *bows down to Don Dooce*

At one point I discovered blogger.com and started a blog in '04 that I recently deleted. At first it was just silly things like I have here, but then I found myself using it as a release during The Break Up Heard Round The World, so there was some real raw shit over there that I was reluctant to delete at first. Sometimes I would go over there and read it and applaud myself for getting through it all without slitting my wrists. Not that I'm that weak of heart, but you get my drift.

Here are excerpts from the first post:

What's the worst thing that could happen to a City girl like me? You guessed it- I'm moving to Jersey. Wait a minute while I puke...

I don't mean to hate on the Garden State (hey, that rhymes!), but blech! Never in a million years...

It's not even cool jersey- it's farm country jersey. BLECH BLECH BLECH!! On a side note, I've made this one, keen observation: all of my down-home peeps are like "ewwww, Jersey", and all of my Caucasian co-workers are like "oh, the country, I'm so jealous. You'll love it. It'll be so great for your kids" and I just want to smack them. You know what will be great for my kids? To see other kids of color in their classrooms. To be enriched by the glorious wonder that is NYC. Not to live next door to cows. No, literally. The property next door has cattle...

...Today's goal: find what died in my bathroom and get rid of it.



Then an ex convinced me to get on myspace (yes, the same ex from The Break Up Heard Round The World, and no it's not my ex-husband) and I started blogging on there. It was fun; I really started to develop my style over there, but then I had to leave. Because he dumped me and I didn't want to have to see his PUNK ASS on myspace all the time. Because OF COURSE I was stalking his freakin page. WHAT?

At this time I was also working at a horrible place my co-workers and I called The Basement, and so I started a blog where we could bitch and moan about it. Except I ended up being the only one writing; they CLAIMED that they'd rather read my rants. Mhmm... SIDE EYE to all my Basement Co-Workers!

Finally, with my myspace gone and the two blogger accounts on the D.L., I started this blog, called it Not Just Some Sniveling Girl, labeled myself The Queen of Brooklyn, and began sending updates to my friends and close family members.

I also started Stranger Than Fiction and another spot where I keep track of my writing samples (articles, stories, BAD poetry), but that was mostly for my own benefit and not really something I advertised. Sometime last year I switched this spot over to the new URL, The Jaded NYer, since that's what I was calling myself anyway, and here we are today.

At the 500th post.



What have I learned during all this?

1- The blogoshpere is JUST LIKE a John Hughes teen flick, where everyone is in a little clique and pretty much stays there without venturing out too far. And god forbid you have a falling out with someone in the inner circle... talk about domino effect of childishness... Hey, I do it, too! And it's real easy to get caught up in some bullshit if you let yourself, so just remember- none of these fools out here, me included, pay your bills, so fuck all the haters.

(and I would just like to add that I'm very thankful that the haters have not made their way to The Jaded NYer, or if they have, have kept their e-tongues in check. I'd really hate to have to e-cut a mo-fo...)

2- Every one has their own definition of TMI, and that definition changes from post to post. At one point I didn't want any pics of my kids on here. Now, since they're a little older and whatnot, I'm a little more lax. I still won't put their government out there, but one or two pics here and there have been okay with me so far.

And I used to talk about my dates (good and bad) but then decided that the dudes didn't really give me permission to do so, plus I had a tendency to be a bitch or jinx my own situation, so I stopped. From now on, you'll never know if I'm taken until you come over here and see the post title: The Jaded NYer Gets Married. HA HA HA HA!! Yeah, right... don't hold your breath...

3- The male bloggers have A LOT of female readers and the female bloggers have A LOT of male readers... hmmm... is Blogger the new craigslist?? Am I in the middle of a meat market and didn't know? Is that why some people flood their pages with pictures of themselves?

4- Blogging can easily take over your life, which is why I force myself to take breaks, regardless of the stank phone calls and emails I used to get from Mari. Sometimes I feel like, "Damn, I have loyal readers and I owe them something interesting to read," and then other days I'm like, "Fuck all you hos..."

5- I've been more open to trying new things JUST BECAUSE I can blog about it after I do it. So in a way I'm conquering a few fears and getting out more by having this blog. Like bungee jumping at Six Flags New England. Or being nice to my ex's new girlfriend. Not too shabby at all.

6- Be careful what you write; if you don't want it to come back and bite you in the ass don't push that "publish" button. Me? I stand by every word I've ever written. It may not be how I feel today, but it's how I felt when I published the words, and I'm not ashamed of any of it. Embarrassed, maybe. Ashamed? NEVER!

7- Some of y'all got some potty mouths and X-rated shit on your pages! TSK TSK!! What would the Baby Jesus say?

8- I'm not as well read as I thought! Some of the blogs I read and lurk around be schoolin' me sometimes (Brother Omi, I'm looking at you...). Sometimes I refuse to visit certain pages because the level of information I might take away with me will make me pass out. But seriously, keep it up, 'cause when I do visit I can just feel myself get smarter. And that makes this Nerd Girl very happy.

9- There are more good writers out there than I initially thought. Some of them are even super talented. And dammit- with all y'all out there how am I supposed to get my shit published? Haven't you heard that The World Needs Ditch Diggers, Too? Go dig a ditch and stay out of my way, dammit!!!

10- If I ever decided to close up shop, I would actually be missed. That's an awesome feeling, and I'm really, truly appreciative and humbled by the love I feel from all of you in the blogosphere.

Here's to another 500 posts!



*smooches, besos, bacioni, bejus, bisous, and all that good stuff*
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*cast members? Yes, cast members; the people featured here on a regular besides the babies and me: Jack, Lani, Mari, Minnie, Irene, Cathi, with special guest appearances by Nina, Celia, Marcin, Mami and John Cusack.

**questions disclaimer: I reserve the right not to answer any question that I feel would infringe on someone else's privacy. so don't even ask it!