The Lina & Philip Chronicles: Pt. 1

So I'm a Titi to a set of amazingly smart, sassy, funny, adorable, three-year-old twins (y'all please pray for my sister and brother-in-law!), and for about 10 days out of the month I squat on my sister's couch in the DMV area while I love on these babies and spend quality time with my family (Mami is living there, too). These chronicles will give you a glimpse into the marvelously chaotic life we live raising twin toddlers.

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Scene: Pre-dinner homework hour, kitchen table. Lina is dilly-dallying and digressing, and her father reminds her to get back to work. She's not feeling it.

LINA: ...blah blah blah

(no, she really truly said BLAH BLAH BLAH to her father! I wanted to run out of the room and never return!)

In a surprisingly calm and even tone, my BIL lets her know that's not an acceptable way to speak to him; out of embarrassment, she starts crying. For someone who hates to be yelled at, she sure does push on boundaries.

But anyways, I don't know if y'all know much about twins, but what I'm learning is that this pair are RIDE OR DIE for one another, you hear me? So, at witnessing his sister in tears, Phil starts to chime in, and both his parents tell him to stay out of it. Then...

PHIL: I want to ask a question...

ME: (to self) it's a trap; don't let him ask a question!

BIL: OK Phil what's your question?

PHIL: You're a bad man, Daddy. You're a bad man to my sister!

Y'all. Y'ALL. 

I can only pray to have people in my life willing to jump in the line of fire for me like these kids are for each other!

I 💗 them so much.

Love & Balls,
Jaded
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don't know what I'd ever do without you
from the beginning to the end
you've always been here right beside me
so, I'll call you my best friend

Mari Speaks On...

...dating:

"If I shave my legs and apply lotion the day we hang out, we go together."

File that under #mariskeystodating. You're welcome.

*smooches...sharing important info with the masses*
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and this is why I say Mari is crazy

Mari Speaks On...

...her recent trip to Buffalo:

"If depression were a place, it would be the downtown Buffalo bus station. It's #turrible. Imagine a place where the Boulevard of Broken Dreams meets the drop off spot for meth recovery center grads, who stumbled upon some crystal a few hours ago."

*smooches...glad I've never gone to Buffalo by bus*
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although part of me wants to witness this slice of Americana firsthand

Throwback Thursday, 4.10.14

So there's this thing that Instagram users have been doing for a while now called Throwback Thursday, where you post a pic of yourself from back in the day. Well, I don't have an Instagram account, but I love to share old pics and reminisce about the old days (while sitting in a rocker sipping some ginger tea). We're gonna give this thing a try over here in Jaded-Town, okay?

Here's a photo of Little Mari and my cousins Vanessa and Jorge Luis. If you squint your eyes and look in the back, there's me (in the big ass pink socks) and Nina, sittin' all fancy like we own the park.

Acostas in full chill mode.

I can only imagine this was taken shortly after I first met Nina; I think I was 14 or 15. Socks and watches were my thing--don't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. My mom sent me to Lawrence, Massachusetts to, I suspect, get me away from a certain boy I was low-key dating. It was supposed to be a punishment but SURPRISE, I made a BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE in Nina, and her mom is one of my favorite aunties.

Also, please look deep into Lil Mari's face. You just KNOW she was up to NO GOOD that day!

*smooches...in love with memory lane*
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can I live here forever?

Jaded Photographs: December 2013 Edition

"Ride Or Die"

There's very little else that matters.

*smooches...trying to exist in a different space*
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how y'all been? miss me?

When Twitter Catchphrases Get Real

An exchange between me and Mari during my Penzo Grandmother's birthday party...

ME: (saying something catty and/or snarky)

MARI: WHO HURT YOU?!

ME: This is the wrong place to ask that question...

At the scene of the crime

*smooches...finding the humor in my dysfunction*
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you have to be able to laugh at yourself, folks!

Mari Speaks On...

...colorism and romance, without meaning to.

In all our dark-skinned glory.

 MARI: Um so this guy I am dating just told me that I am not light-skinned and am brown. He is a keeper! LMAO!

ME: O_o!! Then I'm definitely chocolate.

MARI: Right. Like he is so serious. That single comment boosted his daily ratings.

*smooches...basking in our joint delusions*
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listen, I own a mirror. I know what I look like. just let me live...

Only Dominicans Will Get This

Mari told me this joke years ago. It STILL cracks me up.

What's the smelliest holiday?

Fo-fo July.

*smooches...enjoying a quiet day*
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who's bringing me some BBQ?

Birthday Vacation Countdown: "All My Possessions For A Moment Of Time"

Beach bums, always!

I've been planning a trip out of town for my birthday for a while now, and originally I wanted to go somewhere exotic and new and just spend a week in another time zone experiencing new foods, lives and cultures with one of my close friends and my sister. When reality set in (read: I looked at my available vacation days AND bank account) we decided on a domestic adventure instead. And that was cool.

Then my very good friend had to pull out of the trip for health reasons and I was bummed, but hey--Mari and I know how to have a good time and you can't fault someone for being ill. So it was all still cool. THEN we find out our accommodations, which were going to be free and comfy, were no longer available, but again, I was OK. Then my calendar confirmed that my period was going to come right smack in the middle of fun times and, in the heat of PMS-ville, I was ready to just say FUCK IT.

But then I watched the series finale of "The Big C" (starring Laura Linney) and checked my diva at the door.

I have a well-paying job with decent benefits that allows me the luxury of planning and paying for a vacation. I have a sister that, although she is almost a decade younger than me, is one of my closest buds. I get to take this vacation, spend it with my sister, and make cool memories, like only she and I know how. I was a little bummed when it all began to unravel, but you know what? I get to leave New York for a while. YES! NO ANNOYING PARK SLOPE FAMILIES TO BLOCK MY MORNING COMMUTE!

In the past couple of years I've been dealing with a bunch of health scares--some semi-serious and others not so much. Any abnormal test results slap me in the face with screams of MORTALITY. I don't want to lay in my deathbed, look back and realize I wasted a perfectly good vacation opportunity because my period was due and that meant beach time would be limited. I want to look back and say "Oh man, Mari and I had such a great time; I was high on Aleve and Cuba Libres the entire time!" And the bonus here? I always indulge my cramps with whatever it wants to eat, and we all know that vacation eating is the BEST kind of eating around. FRIED PORK CHOPS FOR EVERYONE!

Of course, in the end I'll always want more time. Who doesn't want more time? But I want to know that the time I did have was well-spent and appreciated.

Who knew Showtime could make me feel real feelings?

*smooches...reconsidering my aversion to tampons*
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perhaps they aren't the instruments of the devil; I've been known to be wrong in the past...that one time...

Mari Is A Poet

I don't know if Mari remembers this poem she wrote, but I feel like she'll need a healthy reminder to get her through this week. We'll be in the sun real soon, boog. And I love you!

I Am
by Mari

I am from the hopes of an immigrant family
struggling to find purpose in the deception of the land of opportunity
I am from the tears of poverty and
the joys of an urban childhood
I am from the home of the latch-key kids
forced to grow up way before our time
I am from plastic covered couches and tacky curtains
I am from the vibrant rhythms of merengue and the sultry passionate bachata
I am from the city that never sleeps,
where people are too rushed to look each other in the eye,
where the subway system is as complex as the cultural makeup of the neighborhoods and barrios
I am from Salami Induveca, platanos and Tang Mango
I am from the hand-me-down clothing that my sister once wore proudly and I wore grudgingly
I am from the communal Bedford Stuyvesant Head Start, the Afrocentric PS 3, the culturally resistant Big Tree Elementary, the cultural mixing bowl Ben Franklin School 13, the rigorous and utopic Townsend Harris High and the "open doors, open hearts, open minds" of Cornell University
I am my mother's daughter, my apple of my grandpa's eye, the pride of my older sister
I am the great Dominican hope, the ticket to greater success
The "smart" one
I am from a sheltered past that forced me to break free
I am from a warm church pew where I was taught to love, serve and give my all to worthwhile causes
I am from a double consciousness- an awareness of the American privilege afforded me yet a need to reaffirm the culture that is smeared across my face, in my hips, in my speech- It permeates all that i am
I am from a place of utter complexity and desired simplicity
I am from so many places and so many things
I am they and they are I

*smooches...eager to get #SisterSummer2013 started*
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just me & my Boogs causing trouble all over the south!

Mari Speaks On...

...me and my lethal tongue, especially when I have to deal with my ex-husband:

ME: I'm not an ogre, I know how to use my words!

MARI: You know how to use your words, but you use them to kill people on the inside...

*smooches...thinking of a few choice words for Mari*
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my position is this- sometimes, folks just need to get TOLD

Little Sister Problems

I'm still giggling at this photobomb!

ME: I feel like N saw the camera and was all "ME TOO!!!" Just like a little sister O_o

MARI: Hating?!?!? But the key is that we grind- even if it is to photobomb. I imagine her scooting and crawling at Lance Armstrong-steroid-cocktail-speed to make the photo and BOOM! There, she made it.

*smooches...finding it hard to argue that logic*
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everyone who has a little sister understands this scenario well

She's Getting So Big!

Or maybe not, seeing as all Mari wanted for her birthday was a pair of Minnie Mouse ears like she had when she was a little girl. And of course, because I'm one of those people that likes to spoil kids and then complain about how spoiled they are, I bought them for her.

They shoulda never gave her an iPhone!

Happy birthday to the first spoiled, bratty poop-face I ever helped raise!

*smooches...just for Mari today*
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can't wait to celebrate when I visit in a few weeks. Patty Boom-Boom's, here we come!

Because I Forgot To Post On Thursday

...I'm sneaking in on Sunday night to pre-date something real quick. I know I said I would stop doing that but alas, blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse.

So here's my fake-Thursday-but-really-Sunday blog post: the Three Amigas on Thanksgiving (seeing as I didn't do a Thanksgiving post this year).

L to r: Crazy Mari, Lovely Me, Crazy Mami

What did we eat...hmmm, I remember there was rice and turkey, oh and Mari made a shrimp scampi and butternut squash soup. OH!! And Mami attempted and was successful at making some tostones cups. CHILD! They were the hit of the night! We all agreed that she needed to make them again (and again and again). And I made a pumpkin souffle that I didn't care for but everyone else enjoyed. It was an all-around good and yummy night.

Especially fun? Mami needing to go to bed after half a glass of white wine. Not so fun? Besides the bickering, realizing that the neighbors (renters!) are letting their nasty ass dog shit in Mami's yard. REALLY, THO? None of us went over there to say something because we couldn't trust any of our stankness levels to be low enough to be polite.

I was also low-key nervous about starting a feud with people BOLD enough to let their dog shit in my mom's yard like that. Who knows if, after I tell them off and then return to Brooklyn, they try to harass or harm my mom? Nah; couldn't take a chance.

How did y'all stuff your faces this year?

*smooches...really loving my hair in that pic*
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I'm getting better at styling it

All Dem Questions

I saw this on The Frenemy's Tumblr site and it looked like fun questions. There were 26 in all but I chose the ones I felt like answering and bolded them in a large font for your reading pleasure. I keeps it real like that. Indulge me for a few minutes...


A. If you could legally punch somebody in the throat ONCE, would you do it because you were watching a TV show and this person did that light but constant coughy thing the entire time? Walking slow in front of you? Or for some other reason? THE COUGHY THING! I hate that shit! When the girls are sick with a cold and are coughing all up and through my house, OH MY GOD I get so annoyed.

B. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet and if your blood got you drunk would you sometimes drink it?

C. Would you rather go to a party where you know nobody and make small talk for two hours or watch that piece of shit movie Savages with Blake Lively two times in a row?

D. This guy wants to pay you ten thousand dollars to show a three minute clip of you having sex at his next dinner party. Ten people will be there. One of those people will be somebody you know, but you don’t know WHO. You do that, or what? What kind of sex would you be having? It would be a tape of me making love to my sofa, also known as falling asleep on the sofa after too many wings while watching a bad "African American" film on Netflix. Like Money Matters or Rain.

E. You can bring five foods/drinks to a desert island. What are they? Or, if you’d like another food question, describe the cupcake that a bakery has named after you.

F. Rihanna will read a tweet you direct at her. What does it say? GIRL, BYE!

G. Tell me your best possible Sunday, if you could have it go as you choose.

H. If you had a robot that could do only one thing, would you make it imitate Robert DeNiro and call him Robot DeNiro or what? You got a fucking better idea? What is it?

I. Would you say you hatefollow more people on Tumblr or Facebook? Give a brief summary of the person you hatefollow the most on Facebook.

J. If you were remaking a liveaction Disney movie, who would you cast in it and you can’t cast Darren Criss. Ooh, Snow White with Rory Gil... errr, I mean Alexis Bledel in the lead. Or Aladdin with that girl who played Taina on Nickelodeon as Princess Jasmine.

K. Tell me three texts you would send if the people receiving them wouldn’t remember them the next day. Not the person they are for, just the texts themselves here.

L. Create an American Girl Doll. Mine would definitely be an Anne Boleyn one and her head pops off.

M. What do you think would be the most perfect gift somebody could give you? Sometimes I think of these great gifts for myself and wish people would give them to me. A house--in Brooklyn--equipped with a maid, chef and a personal trainer.

N. What would be the song you want to hear before you die? Wotless.

O. What would be your Jeopardy tidbit you told Alex Trebek when he does that little “tell me about yourself” thing after the commercial break?

P. Congratulations, you’re a Real Housewife. What would your intro quote be in the credits? (I.E. I may be short but I’m not short on cash or prescription pill addictions) This is so funny because I was JUST discussing this on The Twitter recently. I think I might have settled on "I'm from Brooklyn; I ain't got time for the bullshit."

Q. What is the thing you always hope these Questionnaires will ask you because you want to answer it? Go ahead and just answer anything because I know you want me to ask you a specific question, probably about a crush.

R. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to somebody? I DO.

S. The song you dance to the most in your bedroom is... Slow Wine.

T. Who do you think, at this point in your life, is most likely to murder you? K.

U. You have a choice: watch ONLY romantic comedies for a whole year or no movies for a whole year. What do you choose?

V. Cancel one television show RIGHT NOW BIG RICH MOTHERFUCKING TEXAS!! I don't like the hold it has over me...

W. What, if any, is the Cosmopolitan sex tip you actually use?

X. You’re a Food Network executive. What would be the show you pitch to the network? Mine is called Trough of Love, a show where reality stars eat nacho cheese with their hands tied behind their backs, hosted by Guy Fieri and Nick Lachey. I've actually thought of this before: a cooking show for broke-ass college kids. My tuna casserole is KILLER. Right, Celia?

Y. Cast and name a television show about yourself, on NBC. The Jaded Chronicles starring Maya Rudolph as me, Zoe Kravitz as K and Amandla Stenberg as N. Mari would have to be played by Rosario Dawson regardless of the age difference because JESUS LORD THE RESEMBLANCE.

Tell me I'm lying...

And Mami would just play herself; trust me. The rest of y'all, feel free to cast yourselves (except you, Cathi; Ali Larter already won the role.).

Z. What revenge would you take on the last person who broke your heart? I don't need to; he's probably fat and bald by now anyway.



Feel free to answer any or all of these in the comments. I've got all day.

*smooches...lightening the mood around here*
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also, why y'all so quiet? it was only a 2-week break!

During An Emergency...

...you always discover new things about yourself and the people around you and what they mean to you. During this crazy storm I was incredibly worried for my mom out in New Jersey, but all she lost was part of her chimney. I was nervous about this precariously lean-y tree threatening the walls and roof of Mari's studio, but everything is still standing. I missed my babies, and hoped their dad was assuring them of their safety in my absence, but they were fine (minus cable and WiFi). And all my friends in Long Island and along the coast, especially those who are part of the City's emergency response teams- I eagerly awaited word from them, hoping everything was OK.

But I also discovered that I can, in fact, share my airspace with someone else and not want to kill them in their sleep with a dull machete soaked in vinegar and bleach. And it was just like in the cartoons- a light bulb popped up over my head, out of nowhere...



(Click here for the remix featuring Ludacris- clearly the better version of the two. I love me some LUDA!)

*smooches...admitting to nothing and everything at once*
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SHUT. UP.

Mari Speaks On...

...Mami and I telling stories about the "exorcism" she had as a baby:

"Y'all need to keep my demon possession out y'all's mouths!"

*smooches...still giggling to myself*
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and yes, all of this is true.

Rope Pulls & Box Jumps: A Healthy Jaded Update

Listen- I've not done a lick of physical activity since my last post. I had all manner of good intentions, but the pull of Netflix and potato chips was stronger. Watching episodes of "Til Death" and nacho cheese Doritos are the perfect Jaded Escape. But it's not healthy so let's move on.

This morning I met with my new trainer, Hector, for the first of a two-day-a-week, five-week training schedule. CHILD.

First of all, I decided to schedule these sessions at the ass-crack of dawn in Manhattan, when the only people riding the rails are scary, scruffy-looking, blue-collar Russian and Mexican men who side-eye me as if I walked in donning a swastika and an INS badge. Excuse me, Ivan and Paco, I'm just trying to get my workout on. Go back to your Daily News, coffee and buttered roll. Mmmmm, butter...

Secondly, WHO SCHEDULES WORKOUTS IN A DIFFERENT BOROUGH AT THE ASS-CRACK OF DAWN, ON A WEDNESDAY, RAQUEL?

Finally, OUCH. Being out of shape blows.

I didn't take a "before" picture, weigh or measure myself because I have a good mirror. I know what's not working on my body ::looks at midsection:: and I know what needs to be done. I'll know I'm #WINNING once my jeans stop creating this muffin top situation and my bra doesn't pronounce my back fat to the world. I'll know everything is okay when I can run up the stairs and not feel winded or dizzy (although I'm pretty sure the dizziness is the result of something else. No, not a baby. My uterus is out of commission right now, remember?) and I can bench press Mari. And if in the end this gets me some good ass sleep at night? Bonus!

But let me just say this: Pulling that god-awful ogre-rope with a 40-lb kettlebell weight attached to it, and jumping on and off some stupid little platform, is something the devil made. I'd better be able to kick Ivan and Paco's asses after these five weeks or I'm gonna eat some faces!

*smooches...bitter because I had to wake up so early*
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also? fuck jumping jacks!

Mari Speaks On...

...her beau, Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, and his sexual orientation.

ME: He's gay? How is he gay?

MARI: How is he gay? I don't know! He likes men!

*smooches...still recuperating from my long weekend*
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this girl is CRAZY. she really is.

Why Monday's Post Was Late

I was keeping a promise to myself: Living more than blogging.

The First Borns + The Little Sisters

Hope your holiday was as great as mine!

*smooches...making memories with the people I love*
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so tell me, how many casualties were there on the Parkway this year?