"There Was Nothing In The World That I Ever Wanted More"

Oy vey, what a weekend! Not the usual alcohol soaked debauchery, but rather the cleaning and cooking and yard work that will now forever be tied to family gatherings because Mami bought a house. Not that I'm really complaining because I love the house and she deserves it, but OUCH! No one told me that trimming the fucking hedges was like a goddamn biceps & triceps workout, and I hate you all for keeping this bit of information from me.

But that's neither here nor there. YES, we had fun and I love family gatherings, but I wanted to touch upon something today that occurred to me this weekend as I played my iPod to accompany me on the household chore quest.

I tie music in to many memories, as I'm sure a lot of us do. Hell, this blog was named after the lyrics to one of my favorite singer/songwriters. But I also noticed that after a while, what the song used to mean to me and the memory it was attached to has lost all meaning.

Shortly after THE BREAK UP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD, I could not listen to Sean Paul's "I'm Still In Love With You" without falling into a fit of tears. And even after I accepted the break up I'd hear the song and get misty.

But a funny thing happened on my way to mop the bathroom floor and the song began to play: I was no longer taken back to the spring of 2006 when all my free time was set aside for him. Instead, I was reminded that I really, really, really want to learn the choreography from the video and now that Mami has a house with ample space and no downstairs neighbors to annoy, I can. And then one of The Voices was all, "Remember when this song used to make you think of D?" and all the other Voices stomped her ass to the ground (there might be a video of the ass-whooping on YouTube; I'm not sure).

Other songs began to mean different things to me, too: Juan Luis Guerra's "Si Tu Te Vas" no longer took me back to DR circa 1985 but rather to MSG just last year when I heard him sing that shit live and it was AWESOME. And Prince's "Adore" no longer tugged at me as the song I was s'posed to use at my wedding to a man I didn't even adore; it is now just a sexy ass song that only Prince can pull off, even in my wildest fantasies.

I call that shit progress.

See what happens when you evict Depression?



*smooches...trying to create the illusion that I have enough booty for windin'*
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while simultaneously letting go of a lot of shit that I don't have the energy to carry on my shoulders anymore...

Jaded Photographs: July Edition

"Love Needs Expression"

Shes Out Of My Life - Michael Jackson

*smooches...knowing that The Universe has its reasons*
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I saw this rainbow on Saturday after Michael passed and it made me think about the circle of life (don't ask!). and even though I wasn't among the masses that felt the need to suck on his nutz the minute he died, I know he was a tortured soul who finally got some peace. so here it is.

"Darling In You I Found Strength Where I Was Torn Down"

Tomorrow is America's Independence Day, but I think, as I chill in Mami's back yard surrounded by friends and family and New Jersey suburbia, I will declare it MY independence day from Depression.

I don't mind The Voices; those bitchez have been here since I don't even know when.

But Depression? Nah, heifer, you gots to go. No more room at the inn. Don't let the doorknob hit ya where the good lord split ya. For real.

READERS: "And just how do you intend to just up and evict Depression, Raquel, when so many others have had to seek the help of medical professionals and pharmaceuticals?"

BITCH are you NEW? I say who gets to stay and who gets to go up in this piece. And Depression has NOT been pulling its own weight around here and some of The Voices are starting to complain. The bitch just HAS TO go.

And now that Madame Sunshine is back, I think it's the perfect time to do so.

Well, that and all the love, blessings, motivation and inspiration I've gotten lately from friends, family and the internets kinda gave me the shove in the right direction that I needed.

Don't get a big head about it n shit.

Youre All I Need To Get By - Marvin Gaye

*smooches...handing out big e-hugs like goody bags*
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now don't you guys eat too much this weekend; I expect to see y'all out on the beach w/me on Wednesdays & Fridays n shit, you know, 'cause I ain't got no job no mo'

"Drove The Chevy To The Levy But The Levy Was Dry"

My misery is definitely not the type that likes company. If I'm feeling like shit and then the person next to me feels like shit I immediately try my hardest to help them see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

So it does NOT comfort me to know that I'm the only one about to have serious money trouble because employers cannot make payroll. THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IS FREAKIN BROKE, y'all. I cannot even fathom that. Remember when getting a government job meant instant job security? No one ever figured the government would just up and go broke. Pension funds underfunded; cut-backs, lay-offs, furloughs... paying bills with IOUs... WHAT. THE. FUCK?

And it's not just Cali; there are like 10(?) other states that started the fiscal year without a budget. Really, Connecticut? Indiana? Really? Where is all your money???

I mean, can I pay Verizon with an IOU, too? How do you think Cablevision would handle it if I said, "Nah, homie, not this month, but I got you in October, for real."

This is such a sad and scary time to be an American IN America. And I can't even pack up and move anywhere because a lot of OUR money helped other places thrive. So if WE'RE broke, THEY'RE broke.

Alls I know is, it's RENT WEEK and I have to hand over a big-ass check to my landlord, and then I have to give Verizon another big ass check, and then I have to plan a birthday for N and take K to see Wicked and feed them and get them ready for school, on a salary that was already measly BEFORE my hours got cut.

I was sitting here all "woe is me" until I realized SHIT- "woe is us!!" And it didn't make me feel better, not by a long shot, but it made me scared. Then mad. Then determined not to lose my apartment or my internet service or my phone. I may have to set aside my pride (don't scoff if you see me at the market using a Benefits card... fuck all you hos 'cause my babies have to eat) but I cannot let this beat me.

And I will NOT allow it to beat you, either. For all it's faults, this is not how or why this country was founded, so let's take a page from the early settlers and help each other out, mmkay?

If you live near a bunch of your friends, buy groceries together and take turns hosting dinner. Carpool. Have a clothing exchange. If you have a special skill, share it with one another for free (i.e. I'm pretty good w/hair as long as you don't need anything to specific or complicated done. Can't afford the salon? Come over here w/your products and tools and I'll do your hair. I hate household chores... I'll trade you a hairdo for a clean kitchen or bathroom!)

Whatever it takes (within the law, of course!) do not let this beat us.

This is America, dammit. That's not how we roll!



*smooches...filling out retail job applications like a teenager*
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nobody wants to pay writers a fair wage? fine. fuck y'all. I'll just do something else. I still know how to say, "Do you want fries with that?"

"Freedom Is Just Another Word For Nothing Left To Lose"

BEFORE WE GET TO THE POST: good people of blogland, show some love to my girl Celia who's celebrating a birthday down in lovely, lovely Key West!!!



NO is a powerful thing. And ever since I stopped doing the horizontal Watusi last spring, decided I had it up to "here" with my job and encountered my latest in a long line of money troubles, NO has become a sort of new BFF. I think I'm entering a phase in my life where my answer to everything is "Fuck all you hos" so don't be all verklempt next time I turn you down.

As in:

NO I cannot help you figure out Photoshop because I am not Tech Support- they make way more money than I do- I'm only the staff writer, and there is such a thing called HELP attached to the Adobe software. If you want me to be Tech Support then pay me more.

NO I cannot hang out after work at that fancy place because I have $20 to my name until my next payday which also happens to be rent week so yeah, these $20 have to last.

NO I will not give you my phone number just because our friends think we should date because the reality is I don't find you attractive, I don't want you to call me and my Netflix movies excite me more than the thought of you.

NO I didn't invite you over while the babies were gone for Spring Break because you tend to behave inappropriately no matter how many times I ask you to stop and I'll be damned if I'm going to feel uncomfortable in my own apartment.

NO I will not come over anymore because I always trick myself into thinking "This time will be different; this time he'll make me fall in love with him" and instead I leave abruptly longing for a time machine.

NO I will not even acknowledge your phone calls or emails or IMs. Can you just go away? The days of me pining over you are soooooo 1986.

And I can't even tell you how freeing it is...

Me And Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin

*smooches...thinking the only thing I really can't say no to is blogging*
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what is this HOLD that Blogger has over me? why can't I quit you, Blogger? WHY???

I Hate That This Bugs Me

C has the babies for the next three weeks, and today on FB he posted pics from a festival he took them to this weekend, with his fiance, of course.

Well some trick-ass-bitch saw a pic of the four of them together and was all like "Your family is so beautiful" and honestly it took all I had NOT to come back with "BITCH- THOSE ARE MY FUCKING KIDS!!!"



I need to work that out.

I mean, I let her come to N's birthday party last year and I let her come to K's graduation a few weeks ago, but I hope this bitch is not putting on airs and claiming MY FAMILY as hers.

And yes, I know she can't help what somebody else commented but FUCK THAT! I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE PLAYING WITH MY KIDS!

*smooches...wondering how many hours of therapy it will take to cure me*
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'cause this kind of crazy I have, man, I doubt it's in the textbooks...

and PS- can we please talk about how, YET AGAIN, N is posing like she was raised in the Stuy circa 1983?

Am I Ready For What's Next? Random Monday Thoughts...

For being a freelancer w/no rainy day funds?

For hustling full time to try and get a new gig?

For this hot ass summer in BK, again?

For the life of the mother of a real teenager?

For a complete REDO of my lifestyle choices?

For failure? Success? Happiness? Tragedy?

For a real heart-to-heart w/Grandma? With myself?

For him?

I'm trying to not fall apart, go with the flow, "let go and let 'god'" but SHIT I hate being in limbo without a plan of action and definite, guaranteed results. Total result of the whole right/left brain fighting for supreme dominance: my logic/reasoning just declared war on the bohemian artist in me and I was the last to know. Both sides have amassed so much ammunition against the other and I know it's about to get so freakin bloody. Like Civil War bloody. Like Euro-trash killing off indigenous tribes in 'America' bloody. Like North Korea threatening to level us with one death blow bloody. Like talking bad about Michael Jackson on a bus in Florida bloody.

Or maybe I'm just making it that huge because I'm on crack.

*smooches...too confused to produce a coherent post*
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ps- it's hot as all hell today... never thought I'd say this shit but, um, I guess the rain wasn't ALL bad! lol