Monday, February 11, 2019

Today on This Meatless Life...

First of all, don't get excited. I'm only here because I personally hate it when people write monologues on FB and found my post was getting too long, and then I remembered: Bitch, you're still pay for this URL. Take that shit to the blog.

Second, if you don't follow me on FB then let me explain that last week I decided to eat all plant-based meals, 1. to see if I could, 2. to see if my body would feel any different or better, and 3. because Beyonce asked me to. There. Now you're all caught up.

So last week's experiment taught me some more about how flavors work together, what it means to be full/satisfied, and how much 'fake' food we're inundated with.

Besides Saturday's tofu adventures, I steered clear of meat/protein substitutes (y'all can keep that impossible burger FAR away from me, and no, I would NOT like any chik'n or 'vegan' cheese or that seitan—pronounced like SATAN for a reason) and instead opted for REAL whole vegetables. I also made better choices on grains and/or starches (because I knew this vegetarian in college whose diet consisted basically of pasta and it was not...cute).

clockwise from top left: veggie pita 'pizza' | tofu tikka masala
veggie + manchego frittata | veggie fried quinoa

Moving forward? Who knows. I don't agree that it's unethical to eat animals so this isn't that. It's mostly trying to recognize what my body will no longer tolerate (I haven't been feeling my best), mixing it up in the kitchen, which is arguably one of my favorite pastimes, and not being so lazy when it comes to my own nourishment (if you looked at my bank statement it would read SEAMLESS all the way down. ridiculous!).

But you can still invite me out for Buffalo wings, and you best believe I'm having SANCOCHO on February 27, and platano con salami can't be beat. But now, I know the answer to "what do y'all vegetarians eat? And is it filling and/or nutritious?" because I lived it. No more obnoxious questions from me, I promise! And I also found another way to reduce my carbon footprint, which is always in the back of my mind. And not to get full-blown hippie on you, but it felt good to peel, chop, cook and eat things that came out of the ground. I could almost imagine that I grew them myself, which, of course, is my next goal.

Y'all be good.

And don't miss me too much.

Also, eat your greens, dammit.

smooches...with a fridge full of veggies and a head full of recipes
don't bother leaving a comment because they're closed lol

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Journey To Di Road: Day 16 | My 3,527TH Excuse

What can I say? I lost interest in this journey a week after I started writing about it out of pure frustration with myself. That led to a spiral, which led to another spiral, which led to...hmmm, what was that? OH YES. ANOTHER SPIRAL.

So fine. I'm not okay. When I think about going to the gym I die a little bit inside. I'm ashamed of the weight I've gained. I don't want anyone to look at me. I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN and not in my usual introverted "don't look at me" way, either. The only reason I even bother still coming to work is because I have a kid in college, one about to go to college, and I need the money.

Then just get your ass to the gym and change how you do things! That's the VERY UNSOLICITED advice I get from people who don't understand anxiety or depression. My brain don't work like your brain. I literally scream inside my head get up, go outside, don't eat that, do better, but whatever is supposed to communicate with my physical body is all bitch, shut up; we're sitting here frozen and you'll just have to fucking deal with it.

And don't come at me with the "endorphins" myth because LISTEN TO THIS UNMITIGATED HARD ASS TRUTH: Endorphins are a junky science LIE. I've never felt energized or happy after a workout, only sore and tired and sleepy. Maybe my endorphins are broken? WHO KNOWS STOP ASKING SO MANY STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS.

But this morning I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw, who I've become. She is disgusting. She eats too much and then lays around letting life pass by. She never finishes what she starts and she often goes back on her word, especially to herself.

Yeah, this might be a problem.

Seriously, the only thing keeping me together most days is the bomb-ass lipsticks I use to hide behind so people will think I'm fine and normal.

Photo of my poppin' ass lipgloss to distract you from my mental illness

This is Day 16.

Breakfast: a chai and a cheddar scone; they were both gross and I regretted everything about it
Snack: nothing; work was on some bullshit all day and I barely left my desk
Lunch: two tacos, homemade chips, with guac, salsa, and a seltzer; why the fuck not? I needed to stress eat.

I regret nothing!

Victories: just took my vitamins, and started incorporating some GREEN FOOD supplements. I mean, I bought 'em, might as well take 'em
WOMP Moments: my whole life is a WOMP moment; shut up.

Currently, I'm dealing with a mom who's hiding from the world and sending my calls to voicemail, a shitty computer that stops working whenever, wherever, and a very real book deadline, on top of some very overdue shit at work. I'm getting some comfort food today. I'M GETTING SOME COMFORT FOOD TODAY.

And then I'm going to sit at my table and have a Come To Jesus Meeting with my To Do List and decide which of those things just aren't gonna get done. Ever. And force myself to be okay with it.

*smooches...not in the mood for the bullshit*
and by "the bullshit" I mean MY bullshit

Friday, March 10, 2017

Journey To Di Road: Day 10 | Ummm...

So, not only did I ditch my whole eating and workout plan ENTIRELY this week, I didn't blog, either. Part of me wanted to write up some stuff and post date it so that there isn't a big hole in this week, but no, I won't do that. I need to look back and remember that I went back on my word, if for no other reason than to shame myself into never doing it again.

Once a Catholic, always a Catholic...

On Tuesday, I didn't blog because Monday pissed me off; just the memory of the day I decided to stop blogging put me in the worst mood. Wednesday, I plum-forgot. I took the day off from work, did laundry, binge-watched GREENLEAF on Netflix (oh my GAWD it's such a good show!), cooked, and chilled. Blogging didn't really fit into my day, especially because I was trying to cheer myself up after realizing that the real reason I took Wednesday off--to finish and submit my NEA grant application--was for naught because I didn't meet the candidate guidelines. Thursday, I remembered, but then fell asleep, and today I was too busy at work and then too happy at home to sit at my desk and give myself 200 verbal lashes for fucking up this week.

I have the highest of hopes for next week, only because I have to or nothing is ever going to happen. Eventually, something will give and I'll take my health seriously, right?

This is Day 10.

Breakfast: slice of egg pie/baked frittata and slice of buttered toast; then I had a few sips of a nasty, bitter cup of coffee at work to wake up.

No amount of sugar + milk could save this bitter cup of trash

Snack: microwave popcorn. I regretted it immediately
Lunch: some bullshit salad (no meat) in a desperate attempt to be "healthy" which I also regretted because it left me feeling empty inside. I followed it up with one of those tiny Snickers from the work snack drawer

I wasn't meant to eat rabbit food, I was meant to eat the rabbit

Dinner: Buffalo wings and cajun fries from Buffalo's Famous, the only AUTHENTIC wing spot that I know of in NYC; it was delicious and I make zero apologies
Victories: I ate breakfast all week, which definitely helped me cut down on my snack cravings at work this week; nothing spoiled in my fridge--everything I cooked got eaten (or will be tomorrow)
WOMP Moments: I ordered takeout when I had perfectly good food in the fridge OR ate two dinners sometimes; forgot to blog; just realized I forgot my supplements today; OH and I never went to the gym this week

Today I did some computer maintenance and replaced my speakers with a much better, bass-heavy set, so I have all of the plans to blast soca tomorrow as I do my Saturday chores. Dancing helps to motivate me; bass helps me want to dance. Perhaps all of that put together will guide me towards the gym?

Or nah.

*smooches...waiting on [my] world [view] to change*
my brain needs to fix itself pronto!

Monday, March 06, 2017

Journey To Di Road: Day 6 | This Is Why I Stopped Blogging

I did not love myself this weekend. I was not good to my body. I broke all the promises I made to myself. I continue feeding this cycle of unhealthy behaviors and somehow think "tomorrow will be different" without any real action on my part.

This isn't just about my health, this applies to my career, finances, relationships--you name it. One day, I was reading over my blog and realized, I hadn't grown as a person at all. I hadn't learned from my mistakes and I hadn't taken any real steps to change my situation. I was still coasting through life, and all I had to show for it was nearly 2,000 blog posts of First World Whining. So I quit. And now I'm sitting here wondering why I ever started back again--just to remind myself how dumb I am?

I mean, I could sit here and explain how the heat is sparse in my apartment and that makes me not want to do anything, but the not doing anything is why I'm still stuck in this drafty apartment 11 years later. But that's just another excuse. I did attempt to make better choices: I made oatmeal for breakfast on Saturday, and at the movies on Sunday (we saw HIDDEN FIGURES and it was wonderful). I didn't have my usual popcorn and slushie. However, that's only because we went to Bareburger first and made pigs of ourselves.

Saturday Breakfast | Sunday Lunch

Then there was a whole spaghetti and rice and garlic bread and ice cream and pound cake situation that I really don't want to get into.

I did go food shopping, though, and I made a beef stew for dinner tonight (which I ate too late but still, it wasn't the pizza and wings I really truly wanted). Slow cookers are a godsend.

This is Day 6.

Breakfast: eight ounces of lobster butternut squash bisque from The Soup Bowl in Park Slope. I really wanted a bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll, but I opted for soup. I don't know which one was worse for me.
Snack: one of those Plantar's salted peanuts packets from the snack drawer.
Lunch: beef and broccoli + seltzer water
Victories: I didn't get that bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll, NOR did I get the pizza and wings I craved for dinner.
WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; didn't get enough sleep; didn't drink enough water; ate TWO bags of chips from the snack drawer at work. And I'm about to have some ice cream. I WON'T BE STOPPED.

Right now, besides the ice cream, I'm going to take my vitamins/supplements. Then I'm going to pack my lunch for tomorrow, right after I make an "egg pie" for tomorrow's breakfast. Then I'm going to shower, then I'm going to read, while the cast of MOANA accompanies me. Good night.

Friday, March 03, 2017

Journey To Di Road: Day 3 | McDonald's...

Yesterday did not go as planned, again.

At the movies (PS- MOANA is freakin' awesome and if you haven't seen it, whether or not you have a lil one, please get your life!), I told myself "order the ginger ale; it's gotta be better than the slushie." But then I promptly reminded myself to shut the fuck up because blue raspberry slushies were sent from the gods for us to enjoy here on earth. This was my actual thought process. I'm trying to help y'all understand how I ended up 55lbs overweight.

So I got the slushie. Plus a popcorn (to share!) and, well, a hot dog. As I was buying it, I told myself that this was my dinner. It was a crappy one, but I wasn't going to go home and cook so late at night and then eat and then go to sleep with that full belly, no way. Might as well just eat a crappy frank and call it a night.

But after the movie, and after traipsing through the Disney Store buying some MOANA merch, N and I made a fatal decision: we hopped on the D train instead of waiting for the F. Why is this important? Because the walk home from the D puts us in the line of fire of the Golden Arches. And we SURE DID GO IN THERE AND ORDER FOOD. She, a Big Mac meal; me, three-piece chicken strips and a medium fry (no drink, like it mattered at that point, but I just wasn't in the mood for a soda, and I can drink water at home for free).

And after I got home and shoved my face with all that salty goodness (LISTEN. McDonald's fries will NOT be defeated!), I half-heartedly worked on my monthly newsletter (due out this morning; Spoiler Alert: it was late!), then proceeded to play Panda Pop on my phone until I passed out from a sodium-induced coma. I'm failing at life so desperately, it's not even funny.

This is Day 3.

Breakfast: some trash-ass oatmeal from the cafe at work in an attempt to be healthy; I didn't even finish it
Snack: nothing today; I ate breakfast rather late
Lunch: something called a "Wild Chicken Bowl" from one of those fancy-schmancy health food/juice bars near work (of which I only managed to eat half because I swear they put a whole forest of kale in the bowl); it had CASHEW NUT CHEESE, which I consider my punishment for last night's debacle

The Wild Chichen Salad from Fuel Juice Bar, BK

Victories: took my supplements/vitamins; did not have candy from the work snack drawer; actually wrote this blog
WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; didn't get enough sleep; didn't drink enough water; don't have solid plans for dinner.

Are you seeing the pattern? Yeah, me, too, also, as well.

Tonight I will likely hang out with a friend, but it's the kind of friend that, if I say DO NOT LET ME EAT THAT SHIT, they, you know, won't let me eat that shit. I have high hopes. I might also get some food shopping done. I might also cook. I might also write.

I might also say FUCK IT ALL and lay around watching IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA all night. Who. Knows.

But let's all say a collective prayer that I love myself enough to be kind to my body, mind, and soul, instead.

*smooches...with a headache creeping, threatening the night*
look at that; I'm already thinking up an excuse to be a sloth tonight