So This Is Mavi, My iPhone.

I know, I know, you're reading that title like "OH MY GOD, THE WORLD IS ENDING, RAQUEL HAS AN IPHONE!" but relax. I've not been fully infiltrated by the Robot Army just yet.

Of course my lock screen features my babies!

Let me explain how this all happened...

A few months ago I went into the Verizon store because I wanted to get a tablet or something like it, that I could use when hosting events in order to update various social media platforms with information about said events. The sales rep looked at me all crazy and was all "Why don't you just get a smartphone?" I, in turn, listed all the reasons I didn't want one, including cost (which was my number one reason!).

The rep proceeded to lay out all the costs for me, and it turned out the iPhone he was offering wouldn't cost me more than what I was already paying with my regular phone, plus the phone itself was free. "And why carry three different devices (iPod, phone, tablet) when you can just carry one?"

He was making so much sense; how could I pass up the deal?

So now I have an iPhone. And an Instagram account. And game apps that suck the battery life out of my phone. I can never leave the house without a charger. And the amount of selfies saved in my camera is almost criminal. But I promise, I'm not one of these phone-obsessed zombies; I put mine away and just LIVE sometimes.

At least for now.

*smooches...checking IG as I type*
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I'm so fascinated by what people upload to Instagram. Sometimes it's cool, but sometimes, SOMETIMES you hit gold and find that person who is posting pure trash. I live for that person!

Twelve Books

I came across a reading challenge on Goodreads (feel free to look me up; my username is RPenzo), asking folks to set up a goal for the year of how much books we plan on devouring in 2013. When I went on the site I saw some people were aiming for as many as 200 books and I was all DON'T YOU HAVE A LIFE?!?! I love books as much as the next guy but come on- 200 books? That sounds to me like someone who needs a job and a variety of diverse hobbies.

I am more realistic about my time and attention span; I only aim to finish 12 books this year. Simply one book a month. I would like at least three of those to be in Spanish, so I can practice the language some more. But that's it.

Now, of course I have a trillion books borrowed from the library PLUS all the books I've bought in the last six months to choose from, but if you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comments. Right now I'm leaning towards Chango's Fire by Ernesto Quiñones (about an arsonist-for-hire in Spanish Harlem) or Fighting Castro: A Love Story by Kay Abella (Cuban doctor imprisoned by Castro as a resistance leader and the doctor's wife has to decide the fate of the rest of the family), but most likely I'll just start with Francisco Sanchez Jimenez's Estación Stockton (child I can't tell you what it's about because the back cover is so freakin' VAGUE!).

And don't look at me like that just because all the books on my list are by Latino authors. Shoooo, if I don't support my people, who will?

*smooches...hunkering down for the winter*
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It's so cold today; I hope I survive the season!

Today I Will (12.18.12)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #13: Today I will pick a room in my house and organize it.

"After you have removed some of the clutter in the room, find a place for everything... Once...the room is arranged in an organized fashion, you will feel much more relaxed and happy."

Sweet Jesus. This particular activity is a long time coming for me. About seven years long, actually. You all know I've been in this apartment forever and am still living as if this place is a temporary arrangement; a dorm room; a room in my momma's basement. Although if I had the latter I would not be allowed to be so flippant with its tidiness.

Anyslobs...all the rooms in my tiny, Brooklyn cubby need organizing. ALL OF THEM. My bedroom is a disaster. The kitchen is blah. The bathroom, front room, hall closet, kids' room...all a hot mess.I do acknowledge that the mess and chaos affect me mentally and physically, but I've not been able to unblock the thing in me that is preventing me from making things better.

So you guys decide. Pick a room or space in my apartment and I will start there and not stop until the whole place looks like something out of a broke Martha Stewart Living magazine. The most votes win. And of course I'll post before/after pics of everything. Why not. You've seen my mess before.

Leave it in the comments!

*smooches...ready for action*
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and it only took a silly book and seven years to get me motivated.

All Dem Questions

I saw this on The Frenemy's Tumblr site and it looked like fun questions. There were 26 in all but I chose the ones I felt like answering and bolded them in a large font for your reading pleasure. I keeps it real like that. Indulge me for a few minutes...


A. If you could legally punch somebody in the throat ONCE, would you do it because you were watching a TV show and this person did that light but constant coughy thing the entire time? Walking slow in front of you? Or for some other reason? THE COUGHY THING! I hate that shit! When the girls are sick with a cold and are coughing all up and through my house, OH MY GOD I get so annoyed.

B. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet and if your blood got you drunk would you sometimes drink it?

C. Would you rather go to a party where you know nobody and make small talk for two hours or watch that piece of shit movie Savages with Blake Lively two times in a row?

D. This guy wants to pay you ten thousand dollars to show a three minute clip of you having sex at his next dinner party. Ten people will be there. One of those people will be somebody you know, but you don’t know WHO. You do that, or what? What kind of sex would you be having? It would be a tape of me making love to my sofa, also known as falling asleep on the sofa after too many wings while watching a bad "African American" film on Netflix. Like Money Matters or Rain.

E. You can bring five foods/drinks to a desert island. What are they? Or, if you’d like another food question, describe the cupcake that a bakery has named after you.

F. Rihanna will read a tweet you direct at her. What does it say? GIRL, BYE!

G. Tell me your best possible Sunday, if you could have it go as you choose.

H. If you had a robot that could do only one thing, would you make it imitate Robert DeNiro and call him Robot DeNiro or what? You got a fucking better idea? What is it?

I. Would you say you hatefollow more people on Tumblr or Facebook? Give a brief summary of the person you hatefollow the most on Facebook.

J. If you were remaking a liveaction Disney movie, who would you cast in it and you can’t cast Darren Criss. Ooh, Snow White with Rory Gil... errr, I mean Alexis Bledel in the lead. Or Aladdin with that girl who played Taina on Nickelodeon as Princess Jasmine.

K. Tell me three texts you would send if the people receiving them wouldn’t remember them the next day. Not the person they are for, just the texts themselves here.

L. Create an American Girl Doll. Mine would definitely be an Anne Boleyn one and her head pops off.

M. What do you think would be the most perfect gift somebody could give you? Sometimes I think of these great gifts for myself and wish people would give them to me. A house--in Brooklyn--equipped with a maid, chef and a personal trainer.

N. What would be the song you want to hear before you die? Wotless.

O. What would be your Jeopardy tidbit you told Alex Trebek when he does that little “tell me about yourself” thing after the commercial break?

P. Congratulations, you’re a Real Housewife. What would your intro quote be in the credits? (I.E. I may be short but I’m not short on cash or prescription pill addictions) This is so funny because I was JUST discussing this on The Twitter recently. I think I might have settled on "I'm from Brooklyn; I ain't got time for the bullshit."

Q. What is the thing you always hope these Questionnaires will ask you because you want to answer it? Go ahead and just answer anything because I know you want me to ask you a specific question, probably about a crush.

R. What’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to somebody? I DO.

S. The song you dance to the most in your bedroom is... Slow Wine.

T. Who do you think, at this point in your life, is most likely to murder you? K.

U. You have a choice: watch ONLY romantic comedies for a whole year or no movies for a whole year. What do you choose?

V. Cancel one television show RIGHT NOW BIG RICH MOTHERFUCKING TEXAS!! I don't like the hold it has over me...

W. What, if any, is the Cosmopolitan sex tip you actually use?

X. You’re a Food Network executive. What would be the show you pitch to the network? Mine is called Trough of Love, a show where reality stars eat nacho cheese with their hands tied behind their backs, hosted by Guy Fieri and Nick Lachey. I've actually thought of this before: a cooking show for broke-ass college kids. My tuna casserole is KILLER. Right, Celia?

Y. Cast and name a television show about yourself, on NBC. The Jaded Chronicles starring Maya Rudolph as me, Zoe Kravitz as K and Amandla Stenberg as N. Mari would have to be played by Rosario Dawson regardless of the age difference because JESUS LORD THE RESEMBLANCE.

Tell me I'm lying...

And Mami would just play herself; trust me. The rest of y'all, feel free to cast yourselves (except you, Cathi; Ali Larter already won the role.).

Z. What revenge would you take on the last person who broke your heart? I don't need to; he's probably fat and bald by now anyway.



Feel free to answer any or all of these in the comments. I've got all day.

*smooches...lightening the mood around here*
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also, why y'all so quiet? it was only a 2-week break!

Something To Consider

"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are, when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed, and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time." - Mark Nepo


What are you covering up?

*smooches...working on being my true self*
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let's see how long this takes.

Mid-Week Soca Jam

Yesterday's post was so heavy; sorry about that.

Let's dance it out, bitches!











Hope that was enough to erase yesterday's uterus diagram!

*smooches...holding on to the Big Truck*
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what y'all have going on today?

Raquelita Ivelisse (Cascarita Bermudez) Penzo, Writer, Online

So okay, it's no secret to y'all who I am, especially because all 20 of my readers know me in real life. BUT it occurred to me that I am also in need of an author site. You do remember that I wrote a book right? RIGHT.

So here it is, my new website.

Add it to your RSS feed and share it with all your friends (especially if they're agents or publishers or big wigs at Conde Nast. Or Martha Stewart because I still totally want to meet her!).

But don't stop coming here; this is still the home of Jaded and all her rants, raves and ratchet likes and dislikes. Like, OMG did you see the Kardashians this past weekend? KOURTNEY HAD HER BABY!!! Also, I found this video:



See? Shenanigans still reign supreme over here. Now your Wednesday is complete!

Shout out to the homie Michelle for designing my kick-ass site. Go ahead and tell me how awesome it is in the comments. NOW!

*smooches...with new chapters and all that*
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and don't forget: The New School, tonight. COME OUT!

Come To The New School, Tomorrow Night.

Because I'm awesome, and your life will improve tenfold from being in my presence.

No, but for real, it's a cool event. Come on out!

*smooches...taking the Empire to the next level*
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will you be there to witness it?

JADED CONTEST: Are YOU The Master Of Movie Quotes?

There's one simple way to find out!

Below are 20 quotes from random movies of a variety of genres. You need to name the character who said it and the film from which it hails. And yes, spelling counts, as does the accuracy of the movie titles and character names. Email your answers to me at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net.

The FIRST email I receive with the MOST CORRECT answers is the winner. I can't stop you from googling the answers, but I should hope that you're trustworthy and that you'll answer off the top of your head with what you TRULY know. Please, for the sake of the contest, don't put answers in the comments. That would be #RUDE.

Your prize? Well, bragging rights, of course. OH, and a signed copy of my book My Ego Likes the Compliments...And Other Musings on Writing and a Jaded NYer T-shirt. That's some good swag, son!

Ready to play? OK... let's go!

1- "You'll stay up til this job shines like the top of the Chrysler Building!"

2- "I haven't got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit."

3- "Liking both Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel is like supporting both the Israelis and the Palestinians."

4- "If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx their child would have your eyebrows!"

5- "I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands."

6- "I didn't bring your breakfast, because you didn't eat your din-din!"

7- "You want a lesson? I'll give you a lesson. How 'bout a geography lesson? My father's from Puerto Rico. My mother's from El Salvador. Neither one of those is Mexico!"

8- "You tell me where my suit is, woman! We are talking about the greater good!"

9- "Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved."

10- "There isn't a day in my life when I haven't felt like a fraud. I mean priests, doctors, I've talked to them all. I don't know anyone who hasn't felt that."

11- "Well, I see your hobbies include 'drinkin', smokin' weed, and all kinds of ill shit.'"

12- "The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

13- "A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

14- "Maybe if you showed Dr. Zaius the proper respect, Dr. Zaius would stop showing you the POO!"

15- "I want to lie together without clothes on."

16- "When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly."

17- "Don't let them bury me! I'm not dead!"

18- "BREAD MAKES YOU FAT?"

19- "Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy."

20- "This whole baby thing baffles me, I mean you have it, you raise it, you basically screw it up, it resents you, feels guilty for resenting you and then it has a baby, which only perpetuates the vicious cycle."

How many did you know?

*smooches...feeling generous on a random Monday*
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mostly because I didn't have anything else to write about!

I Was That Kid Who...

...looked menacing but was not a fighter in any way

...no one knew lived in the neighborhood because I was never outside

...watched everything happen from the window

...preferred a book over a bike

...looked 18 when I was only 12

...wasn't rich but had everything

...hobnobbed with celebrities, unphased by their stardom

...had a best friend named Television

...never had to try hard to earn good grades

...could eat three servings at dinner and never gain an ounce...

...and then grew up to be an amazing writer.

What kind of kid were you?

*smooches...reliving memories as I watch my kids grow up*
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I wonder how they will remember their childhood?

Appearances And Book Signings

First, let me thank all NINE of you who bought my book in the first two weeks of it's release. Clearly I'm not breaking any sales records with this little baby, but it was fun to put together and see on the bookshelf in my room. I make art for art's sake, after all. The money is definitely nice, but more importantly, I have a book- it's the coolest feeling!

All that said, I'm starting to organize a summer schedule of readings; a "book tour" of sorts without actually calling it a book tour. It's not like I wrote a novel or anything, but I'd still like to promote my hard work.

If you've bought a book and want it signed, want to buy a book and have it signed, or just love me and literature in general, here's where you can indulge and stalk me:

Sunday, July 1, 7PM: 

Bodega Wine Bar//24 St. Nicholas Avenue//Brooklyn, NY

Monday, July 2, 7PM: 

The Nexus Lounge//76 East 1st Street//New York, NY

Friday, July 6, 6PM: 

Word Up Community Bookstore//4157 Broadway//New York, NY

Sunday, July 22, 4PM: 

La Casa Azul Bookstore//143 E. 103rd Street//New York, NY

Also of note, not only can you purchase my book on CreateSpace and Amazon, it will be on the shelves at Word Up Community Bookstore and La Casa Azul Bookstore starting in July. Get your copy today!

*smooches...buying more ink for my Mont Blanc*
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after I dazzle audiences with my amazing talent, I just know the books will fly off the shelves!

This Brand Means______

Recently I sat in on a little presentation by AIGA/NY on in-house branding and marketing teams (of which I'm a part of at work). Not something you'd think I'd be into, huh? Well, when offered the opportunity to attend, two thoughts crossed my mind:

1- I really like my job, and anything I can do or learn to be a real contribution and asset to the organization is more than welcome on my TO DO list.

and

2- This blog, and everything I do under the Jaded Empire umbrella, is my brand, so it would serve me well to run it as best I can.

While the panelists- Jeffrey Keyton of MTV, Sandra Monteparo of Victoria's Secret Beauty, and Steve Rura from Google Creative Labs- discussed how their in-house teams work their magic, I sat there and applied what I could to me, my job and my blog. Things that came up included staying fresh in the consumers' eyes, avoiding burnout and what it takes to run a successful team. It was especially timely as I prepared to embark on yet another professional endeavor (that I'll share with you all soon).

All the while I also had in mind a few tweets I'd received lately, tweets that associated my Jaded brand with machetes, speaking Spanish and being angry all the time. Is that what my name makes people think of? For realzz?? I'm not sure that's all I want to be known for. I mean, sure, I'd like you to know that I would not hesitate to take your life if you come at me, but I don't want it to be the only thing you know me for. Maybe it's time to reevaluate the message I'm putting out into the web-o-sphere.

So you guys tell me- when you think of The Jaded NYer, besides envying my total existence and/or lusting after me something awful, what images and concepts are conjured up in your mind's eye? Leave it in the comments!

*smooches...actually seeking feedback*
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'cause y'all know usually I give nan a rat's ass what y'all have to say...lol!

Today I Will (1/25/12)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #12: Today I will commit a random act of kindness.

You ever get home and find you're missing a glove or scarf, and just KNOW someone saw you leave that shit behind and chose to say nothing? Ever think, "Would it have killed someone to yell out 'Hey, your glove fell!' real quick?" A simple phrase could have made someone's day and kept them warm, because it shows that as a society, we still care about whether or not our fellow man has warm hands this winter. Get what I'm saying?

"You might compliment a stranger, help someone with a flat tire, or offer to assist a neighbor with a home-improvement project. Committing Random Acts of Kindness will help you feel energized, positive, and uplifted."

Get you some!

*smooches...hoping we're kind all the time anyway*
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although I don't know about y'all sometimes ::side eye::

Attention Potential Beaus...

Taken from an interview conducted by Tim Donnelly on Brokelyn of Edith Zimmerman (The Hairpin), and filled in with MY answers (which are very different from Ms. Zimmerman's):

Rate the following in order of importance: handyman skills, income, comfort with slaughtering own dinner meat, number of apple devices owned, number of Tumblr followers, personal hygiene, relationship with mother, home library selection, knowledge of the bond derivatives market, whiskey knowledge, facial hair:

1. Personal hygiene
2. Facial hair
3. Home library selection
4. Comfort with slaughtering own dinner meat
5. Relationship with mother
6. Handyman skills
7. Whiskey knowledge
8. Income
9. Knowledge of the bond derivatives market
10. Number of apple devices owned
11. Number of Tumblr followers

Now that you know what matters to me, proceed with the sending of love poems, Buffalo-wing-o-grams and deeds to Park Slope Brownstones.

*smooches...wondering who will respond*
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especially since it's been a ghost town in the comments lately. I think I scared all the fellas away LOL

In 2012, I Will Have A Full House At A Reading

Gone are the days when only five people showed up to hear me and my fellow writers bare our souls through our stories. In fact, I'm going to pretend those days don't even exist. The past is the past. This is the year people will fill the seats at my events and leave wanting more. I can almost feel it in my bones!

In two weeks, when La Pluma y La Tinta hosts it's 3rd Annual January reading, all of my New Yorkers will be there to support real literature. No, there won't be a celebrity host (just me!) or alcohol (unless you count what we'll be drinking at the bar afterward) or any other incentive except enjoying some great poetry and stories.

This is a free event, but our host-venue would surely appreciate your donations. So you're coming, right? RIGHT?

*smooches...feeling that this year will be different*
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I'm telling you, I just KNOW y'all gonna come through this year fo' sho'!

Jaded Stalkers REJOICE...

Blog Café 3.0 is HERE!

That's right- another opportunity to openly stalk yours truly without risk of restraining orders or machetes to the throat.



Technically it's supposed to be a networking event for bloggers and their readers (get those business cards ready, son!) but a little birdy told me there will be free liquor, so...yeah...

This year Blog Café will be held at Wix Lounge, a "...free work + event space for creative professionals in New York City" near Union Square. Yeah, you read that correctly: FREE WORK + EVENT SPACE. As in show up during business hours (when there aren't events scheduled), plug in your laptop and get to work. No lease, no appointment, no hassle! Do you see why I stay in this City even though it kicks my ass on the regular?

Anyway, if you were looking forward to the Jaded Blogiversary and were pissed when I had to cancel it, show up for Blog Café and I'll get you a free drink :)

Be sure to RSVP by clicking HERE or you won't get to party network with us!

*smooches...hoping to see all of you there*
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Blog Café is sponsored in part by Wix.com and Wix Lounge

Five Years Of Jadedness

First off, let me once again apologize for having to cancel the Blogiversary Party tonight, but I got too busy and the event I had in mind was slowly but surely falling apart. And I’m the type of person that wants things done right or not at all.

I thank all of you who RSVP’d and had planned on showing up to help me poison my liver with a shot of Jameson. We’ll party another time for another occasion and it will be great and alcohol-laced, I’m sure. *besos*

That said, today, September 15, 2011 marks not only the start of Latino Heritage Month but it’s also the Fifth Year Anniversary of my very first blog post on this site. Click here and read it now. We’ll wait.
...
...
...
Pretty standard Jadedness, right? Well since then you’ve all experienced my highs, lows and in-betweens; my tomfoolery, shenanigans and straight up ghetto coonery; and my pity parties, rants and moments of psychosis. As a cyber-family we’ve survived Reinagate, Twitter and its effect on blogging, and a Black man in the White House (although the latter still remains to be seen!).

It’s all been a pretty crazy time, no? I hope The Jaded NYer has been worth all the hours you’ve spent ruining your eyesight and tarnishing your soul, and if it wasn’t OH WELL. NO ONE TOLD YOU TO KEEP COMING BACK.

I want to thank you for your continued support, readership, friendship, advice, cheers, jeers and co-signage. Here's some soca music to help you get your wine 'n jook on:











May the next five years be just as Jaded. And then some.

*smooches...urging you to put that bumpah in repeat in my honor*
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just because I canceled my party doesn't mean Y'ALL can't party for me!

New Age Bitches.

In this age of Twitter and Facebook, a new phenomenon has emerged among the penised species, which one eFriend promptly labeled "New Age Bitches."

Here's the thing: I reveal a decent portion of myself on this blog and on twitter, so I suppose those on the receiving end of my tomfoolery might get the impression that we're homies. Sir... listen here and listen good- just because we exchange some jabs or harmless flirty comments here or there does not mean A) you will ever see me naked or B) you can talk to me any old way. Shit like that will get you eStabbed in these eStreets.

And frankly, unless we've met in person or someone I know can vouch for your character, you're no friend of mine and therefore not to be trusted. Point. Blank. Period. (c) Tamar Braxton

Where the BITCH part comes in is the behavior exhibited by these "men" when they are called on their BS. Straight up tantrums & pouty-like nonesense that I barely even tolerate from my 11-year-old daughter. SIR... please go THATAWAY ------> with all that, because no one here at the Jaded Empire has any fucks to give.

I bring this up because recently one twitter follower "took all his toys and went home" after I called him out for being inappropriate in my DMs (direct messages, for you Twitter virgins... it's like a private chatroom/message space). Listen, I know I'm inappropriate, too, but there are limits. There are lines that shouldn't be crossed. And in my opinion, he crossed it. Fuck his couch!

There are no regrets on my part; he's just one less fool to distract me during the day. But I write this to warn all of you about New Age Bitches. They're out there. They look & sound just like everyone else. They're funny and knowledgeable about some obscure stuff that you thought no one knew but you. You almost feel like, "Hey, if you lived here we could grab a beer and make fun of hipsters on the block."

But as soon as you lightly graze their ego their true nature rises to the surface and you realize: THAT'S WHY they're single and use social networking media...they're one of THOSE...

*smooches...hoping this isn't a pot-kettle situation*
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I don't throw eTantrums over trivial stuff- do I? at least not real ones, right? RIGHT?

Save The Date: Five Year Jaded Blogiversary

I'm letting you know now so there are no excuses. If you're in NYC on September 15 I expect to see you at Franklin Park Bar and Beer Garden... OR ELSE!

I've never felt the need to celebrate the anniversary of my first blog post in the past because it seemed dorky, but can we all agree that FIVE YEARS in the game deserves, at the very least, a shot of Jameson straight to the gullet?



Get there by 7PM for a celebratory (NOT complimentary...y'all know I'm broke. Don't act brand new.) toast to the blog that has (hopefully) kept you entertained for the past five years.

RSVP today, sucka!! I may or may not have goody bags and prizes to raffle off. Allegedly. You'll never know unless you come out. Oh, and if you show up in a Jaded Tee or Tote there will definitely be a special treat for you. All others will be assed out! ::evil grin::

*smooches...looking forward to such an awesome milestone*
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five years. YEOW! That's a lot of rants! lol

Jaded Book Giveaway No. 5

It's been too long since I've done one of these. As usual, I have TOO MANY BOOKS (#FirstWorldProblems) in my tiny apartment so I'm "giving them away" like Crazy Eddie



To refresh your memory, I'll post a passage from a book, and the first one to comment the correct author AND title wins the prize. Oh and the prize are five gently-used, previously-owned books from Casa Penzo to get your summer reading plans started.

Ready?

...
...
...

GO!

"I just got home from work, Peter thinks, as if that explained everything--his dead wife, the shooting, the man with no face, the rancid air of this little room--and then the thing sitting in front of the TV turns around to face him and Peter thinks nothing at all."

Good Luck!!

*smooches...putting together my own reading list*
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I need more books in my life pronto! Any suggestions?