Thursday, December 31, 2009

"Should Auld Acquaintance Be Forgot..."

It's almost 2010 THANK GOODNESS and 2009 will be nothing more than a really bad acid trip I should have avoided by moving to DR and working with my Tia in her event planning business. Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, I had escape plans, baby. Solid, written out, thought out escape plans. Y'all are lucky I changed my mind at the last minute!

So...another year, another suicide attempt... what, too soon? Okay, okay, I won't joke about it. I'll just jump right into the Year In Review; my FOURTH one, by the way, but who's counting?

Mari decided to run for the Uruguayan presidency in 2012, I started posting my semi-quasi-wannabe professional photographs on the blog, some birds crash a plane into the Hudson River, I went to VEGAS, BABY! and some black dude is inaugurated as President of the United States.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
Not Easily Broken
New In Town

The recession begins to strangle me, I READ one of MY STORIES in front of PEOPLE for the first time EVER. And am still alive.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
He's Just Not That Into You
Two Lovers

I can feel my downward spiral begin to take shape but ignore it. The results are a bunch of spastic blog posts where I take turns joking or ranting about my insanity, or just plain lie about feeling better. Oh, and Mami bought a house in NJ and those stupid Dum-in-a-cans lose to the Netherlands in the World Baseball Classic. GRRRRR!
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
Sin Nombre
Sunshine Cleaning
The Accidental Husband

I met someone when I wasn't looking for someone and it masked my depression because it just felt so good to have something fun and unexpected fall on my lap; I also began studying Vedic Meditation and out of frustration shut down Monday Musings for the summer break. But The Amazin' Mets are BACK because baseball began on the 6th!!
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~

"Go's ya berfday! We gon' party like it's ya berfday!" And I did. So much so that I had my first ever alcohol-induced blackout. However I did NOT throw up. I'm gangsta like that! I also got to see Alice Smith in concert. OWW!
~Movie Released This Month That I Saw~
Ummmm, none... but did I meantion I saw Alice Smith in concert? OWWWWW!

I can barely remember anything else from this month except that I had JURY DUTY, a MURDER CASE complete with photos of A DEAD BODY that subsequently reminded me that not only am I severely depressed but I have no god to help me through it. Then I get laid off. BANNER MONTH!
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
Away We Go
The Hangover
The Taking of Pelham 123

Some personal friendship & relationship issues become the straw that broke the camel's back. I shut down my Twitter account, make the blog private and try & take the coward's way out. This was a bad month. "...Real bad, Michael Jackson..." But before it got that way I saw Maxwell LIVE and he sang to ME. Perfection.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
500 Days of Summer

A little trip to Massachusetts to visit my guardian angels Nina & Cathi saves me from myself. For which I am eternally grateful. I was still depressed, but hardly suicidal anymore.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
I was too busy saving myself to watch movies, I guess...

K starts HIGH SCHOOL at my alma mater (GO TECHNITES!) and I read a little book by Paolo Coelho that changes my life. Well, maybe not my life but my outlook on my depression. At least for September. And, most importantly, I'm back on the air with Monday Musings!
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
I Can Do Bad All By Myself
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs

Thanks to Ms. Eb the Celeb (Basically this was my Road Dawg this whole summer & I love her to bits for it) I got to see my boo Ludacris LIVE...with special guest Estelle and NAS, bitches- NAS!!! And I opened my online store PLUS on Halloween, I forced myself to go out and actually had a GREAT time.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
Good Hair
The Maid
The Ministers

Another concert was the highlight of an otherwise craptastic month- LAURA IZIBOR- courtesy of my little sister from another mister, Mari. It was such a great show, honestly. Also, I bought some new shit to replace some old shit and it cost a lot of money.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~

Oh December, you old cow, you! How how killed my spirit over and over and over! This was the first year I had nothing to give my kids for Christmas and my depression began/is now at similar levels last seen in July. But Christmas weekend was nice so I won't drink the Windex just yet.
~Movies Released This Month That I Saw~
The Princess and the Frog

*smooches...wishing you all the best wish anyone can wish in 2010*
I'll probably be home watching The Wire when the ball drops. The rest of you party animals BE SAFE!!

And yes, I know a whole slew of other things happened this year, but, er, if you want to remember it all, either read the archives or a freakin newspaper. What do I look like, CNN?!?!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

"It's All Fun And Games Until You Choke On It"

I have so many Voices spewing out so many words in my head at the same time it really is a wonder I can function at all. And these Voices are so exhausting, with their yelling and nagging and "Kill the Pope" chants day in and day out. Sometimes it's all just too much. And I explode.

Days like that (this) is when I'm grateful for the internet (or maybe the internet is the source of my insanity? Hmmm...that may have to be a post for another day). Thanks to the World Wide Web I can unleash a few of the thoughts in my head on Twitter or stalk celebrities on Facebook. I can go on any number of bootleg websites and catch old episodes of The New Adventures of Old Christine or some interracial gangbang porn (What? Like I'm the only one? Get the fuck off your high horse and stop clutching your pearls... no one's buying it. And NO I didn't link it you whiny baby head so relax!).

And then there's my trusty old Netflix subscription that opens up a whole other world of entertaining procrastination and my absolute favorite, YouTube. Home of hilarity, intoxication, COONtastic good times, and keeper of my childhood memories.

Then, after I soak it all in, after I've watched all I can watch and heard all I can hear, some of The Voices calm down and speak only one at a time, allowing me the opportunity to regurgitate these words for you now instead of suffocating on them.

I'm just glad you're patient enough to wait for us to get it together. Until then...

*smooches...finding words even when I'm blocked*
I might have to rethink my position on clones so that I can have Raquels #2-6 doing all the shit I don't want to do everyday, and Raquel #1 can just lay on the couch eating Ramen & Haagen Dazs

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bitch Slapped By The Universe. Again.

I had a different post in mind for today, even started to write it earlier this afternoon, but then I got a bit of news that kind of slapped me in the face. Hard.

Without going into too much detail, lets just say I thought I had a certain situation under control, that I knew what I was doing, what I was getting into and where I stood. I was wrong. And now with this rug pulled out from under me and thrown in my face, I have to figure out where to go from here- which path I should choose. Wondering if I can live with the choice I make.

I mean, can I deal with a slice of happiness or do I order the whole pie? A la mode?

Yeah, I'm dealing with some shit right now; The Voices are in OVERDRIVE.

So I'm going to need a minute to ice my cheek and get a few teeth replaced and think about what I'm doing with my life right now. But you know I love you to bits n pieces with a cherry on top, so I'm going to gift you this musical interlude, featuring songs that stay on repeat while I try to make sense of my life:

Any minute now I'm expecting my neighbors to bang on my door and either dance with me or beg for me to play something else...but whatever. I got shit on my mind. Only music helps me think straight.

*smooches...wondering where these curve balls keep coming from*
seriously, it's like 2009 ain't trying to be done with me EVER!

and sorry some of the videos are so huge but these really are the songs I have on repeat and I tried my best to find smaller ones but they didn't exist.

WTF, why am I apologizing? Just freakin' DEAL, OK?!?!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Extended Family Blues

Last week or so, Mami gave me the scoop on the Penzos, because she keeps forgetting that she's NOT one of them and NOT obliged to stay in touch with them and stays getting all the gossip from my loose-lipped Penzo aunt.

Not that I ever turn down a chance at hearing the newest news from CrazyTown, mind you. Just, you know, if I never hear from or about them I won't feel cheated.

But anyway, Mami calls to tell me my grandfather is dying from (of?) prostate cancer, and that one of my aunts also has cancer (the same kind Farrah Fawcett had... *side eye*) and moved to Florida to get the best & latest treatment to fight it off.

Let me tell you, I am NOT pleased to know that these people have the big C coursing through their genes. The very genes I'm working with. The same genes I've passed down to my babies! As if their ghetto ways weren't I have to worry about cancer.

So the old dude died. Antonio I think is what Mami said his name was, a man I never met in my entire life. That is until one of my Penzo aunts posted pictures of him. Dead in his coffin. At the funeral. On Facebook.

Really, though? Really? THIS is how I finally get to meet my grandfather? I cannot...

It is also rumored that we may make an appearance at a Penzo New Year's Eve party. I'm half excited and half-nauseated. Excited because the aunt whose house it is is the only Penzo I love to bits and pieces. Nauseated because I fear William R. Penzo may be there, and if y'all remember correctly, I kinda wrote him a letter this fall that Mami doesn't know about, and wouldn't it be some shit to have all that mess come out during the party?

Please excuse me while I hyperventilate...thinking of the worst-case scenario is the only way I know to deal with a situation like this. In fact, I'm already imagining that this chronic sinus infection I keep getting is cancer of the ear-nose-and-throat.

Because it would make perfect sense that the moment I learn my grandfather's name is the moment I also inherit all his bullshit.

*smooches...wishing Mami had made a better choice when she made me*
If someone has a better party idea for me for NYE, PLEASE let me know in case this party thing happens... I want to have a place to escape to!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas In New Jersey

ME: Where's my bra strap-slash-hair scrunchy?

MAMI: Lord, please tell me I didn't struggle my whole life to provide for my children so THIS one could walk around with a bra strap in her hair...

*smooches...from our home to yours*
hope you all had a good time and spent it with people you love :D

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Mommy- 1, Capitalism- 0

I've been very vocal about the hard economic times that has befallen my household, so bad it is that I can't even buy my kids a damn Christmas present. And it's not that I'm the type of parent that buys my kids' love and affection, but they've been really good girls. They've gone without this entire year because of my poor choices and I just wanted to give them one special day and something nice to unwrap on that day. It's killing me to know that on Christmas morning they will not have anything from me to open. It's KILLING me.

But I'd stretched my money as far as it was gonna stretch and there is just no room for gifts, not if we want to eat and have gas to cook with and electricity and internet access.

I knew K would be strong about it; she's 14, she knows the deal. It sucks, but she knows the deal. I was mostly worried about N, whom I try to keep away from such grown-up matters because she's a true 9-year-old, not a fast-ass'd grown one, and I'd like for her to enjoy this age without thinking about my money problems.

However, I knew I had to prep her for Christmas, let her know in advance that we've all had a hard year so she may not get what she's used to getting but should be thankful that we can all be together for the entire weekend in her grandmother's new house.

And you know what she said to me?

"As long as we're all together as a family."

I almost cried.

Of course I know she'd love the gifts but how mature and just SWEET of her to say just all of us together at Mami's was enough? That just makes me want to buy her more stuff than she can ever have time to play with!

So fuck you, Toys R Us and all your cronies for making me feel like less of a parent because I can't purchase for her the latest, greatest toy that will end up broken and disregarded by February. We don't even need any of you, as long as we're all together as a family.

*smooches...learning so much about this kid everyday*
she really does surprise me every time she opens her mouth...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

[Not-So-] Secret Addendum To My Will

In the event of my untimely passing (as in, I didn't have time to get my shit in order before god decided that he had had enough of my sassing him), I'm going to need whomever is closer to my humble abode to come over here and handle a few things BEFORE Mami gets here and goes through my shit. Just tell my landlord you're my sister/cousin/uncle- they won't know the difference. Just don't say you were my boyfriend because he'll know you're lying...'round these parts I'm known as "that tenant with two kids and no husband or boyfriend or man, period."

I figured, this blog already serves to humiliate the PENZO/ACOSTA/ORTIZ/BERMUDEZ names to no ends, and once my extended family knows what's contained on this site they will be angry beyond angry. Why make it worse by letting Mami find other things that she doesn't know about?

So please, if you love me, I will need you to come over here and make sure everything on this checklist is done and DONE AND DONE:

1- My old diary. It's baby blue with a lock that doesn't lock and a bunch of dorky stickers on it, and can be found in a bin full of empty journals under my bed. Please burn this. Mami has pretty much read MOST of it, because she is/was intrusive like that, but still, burn it. There are a few things in there that need to die with me.

2- In my closet, behind all the handbags that I never use, there's a Nike duffel bag. Burn this as well. Without opening it. Trust me when I say you DON'T want to know what is in this bag.

3- Throughout the apartment you will find various stacks of unopened mail in shopping bags, storage bins, shoe boxes or out on the table, all of them overdue bills/late notices/threats on my life by creditors. Please shred these. I'd rather Mami wasn't all, "I told you to PAY this" at my funeral.

4- Grab my Blackberry phone and just delete all my BBM conversations. At once. In fact, do this first. Delete all of my contacts, too. And the text messages- sent AND received- on my LG Chocolate. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE TEXT MESSAGES!!!

5- The password to my computer is taped to the inside of the crown molding around the cubby above my closet (you'll know what I mean when you see it). Log on to my account and just start purging EVERYTHING in the files marked "Things From 2006" and "Things From 2007" in the MY DOCUMENTS folder immediately. Do this while you're deleting the bbm conversations & contacts- get it all over with at once. PLEASE NOTE- You will ALSO need to print out the documents in the file hidden in the SYSTEM folder labeled "RIP" in the event that my death seems a bit shady/suspicious. These documents will help the detectives solve the case.

I won't go into any more detail at this time, but I may update the list as years go by and more skeletons, literal and metaphorical, appear in my closet. Just bookmark this post and take care of this for me, will ya? Thanks!

(special shout out to @Strawberry15 on Twitter for inspiring this post!)

*smooches...reluctant to get rid of these things myself*
And as a bonus to whomever is kind enough to carry this out for me, you may take ONE unpublished work from my files and pass it off as your own, no credit to me or my estate necessary. You're Welcome.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Reading Is Fundamental... And Other Musings

Tidbits and such. From my mind to yours.

It's A Beautiful Day In The...
Gayborhood... yes GAYBORHOOD. That the fabulously awesome word brought to my attention last night on Monday Musings, as my lovely co-host, Ms. Bangs and a Bun herself, described her old neighborhood in Toronto.

Seriously I almost pee'd my pants. Especially because it reminded me of this scene from episode 4 of this season of 30 Rock, where Jenna & Tracy are scrambling to find actors to ruin an audition for an additional cast member, and they come across a bunch of gay men in line outside of a taping of "The Actor's Studio" with Hugh Jackman, and they yell out to the gays, "We need some funny gay men; if you're funny and gay come with us!" and then this gay guy speaks up and says, "I'm not gay... I'm BI-LARIUUUUUUUUSSSSSS!"



Oh shut up you had to be there...

This Shit. Tears. Down Cheek. Sadness.
Such a WRONG video to watch during PMS Week...

Corinne Bailey Rae "I'd Do It All Again"

Corinne Bailey Rae | MySpace Music Videos

We Should Start A Rap Duo Or Something
Now mind you, my rhyming skills are um, yeah, no and I can't carry a tune, and I don't know if Eb can work a mic past the karaoke bar, but DAMN if the CD cover wouldn't be hot as shit!

Don't you think??

Listen- if some of the wack artists that are out now can do it, I don't see why we can't. STOP HATIN!!

Reading Is Fundamental
I don't know about all of you, but I really enjoy the book talks we have on Monday Musings. Not only does it feed my nerd girl hunger but it also spreads the word that literature is important in our lives.

But I'd hate for y'all to think I'm some high-brow literary snob (even though I am) so for the next Jaded Literary Moment on January 18th, I'd like to recommend you all read and oldie but goodie: Pet Sematary by Stephen King. This is the very book I was reading on my trip to visit what would soon be my alma mater (Alfred University), even though all that "nature" scared the bejezuz out of me!

King has always been my favorite genre author, ever since I was a young'un! I'd borrow all his books from the BK Public Library on DeKalb Avenue and read them until I was spooked shitless. AWESOME reads, I tell ya. And this one is no different!

"...There's Got To Be Something Else, Something More..."
I've had a pretty rough year and it's about to all come to a head real fast and real hard. I'm on "borrowed time" so to speak, because I've let a few things go unhandled (yes, I just made up that word. DEAL!) for far too long.

See, avoidance is my specialty, but you can only ignore something for so long until BOOM! POW! KABOOM!! Die-hard reality in your face.

I try not to let it break me, though. And at times like this, I have to bring out the big guns, like so:

I hope it helps any one of you who may be a lil down during the holidays like I am.

*smooches...hoping for the courage to face this life already*
I guess if it's banging down my door I have no choice but to face it, right?

Monday, December 21, 2009

Monday Musings in PRIME TIME

Well, folks, it's that time of the year again... the holidays are being shoved down our throats 24/7 as advertisers are pushing you to go buy that additional useless thing that will end up in the back of your closet by mid-March.

What better time to close out Monday Musings for the year?

First I want to take a minute to thank all of my co-hosts from the first part of season 2 so far:

  • Nik Banks
  • Dan Tres Omi
  • Smarty P. Jones
  • 12Kyle
  • MC K-Swift
  • Claudia Mejia-Haffner
  • Darius T. Williams
  • The F$%k-It List
  • Irene
  • C-Recks & DrizaDre of Brothers' Blog
  • Mari

Without all of you it would just be me, on the phone, talking out my ass about the MESSicans and the EYE-talians.

I'd also like to thank my listeners and chat room enthusiasts who take the fun of doing this show and turn it up about 5 notches. You guys rock!

And finally I'd like you all to get ready for tonight's show because for the first time EVER I will not be broadcasting at 10 *GASP* *SHOCK* I know, I know, you're used to ending your Mondays with me on Blog Talk Radio, letting loose, acting a fool and all that good stuff. But tonight we're doing things a little bit different...we're bringing you Monday Musings in Prime Time with a 2009 Wrap-Up.

As if that weren't exciting enough, my co-host will be my sister from an Irish mother, UK's own, Bangs and a Bun! (and if you've never been to her site FOR SHAME!!! Get thee over there PRONTO!)

We will dish about the things that were great (Bush is no longer president, y'all!) and the things that we could've done without (really, Beyonce? You're just NOT gonna wear pants again ever?).

If that doesn't entice you to listen, here's something else- Bangs' British accent? BAWSE! If for no other reason, tune in to hear her speak...

*smooches...bringing you the BEST in entertainment. Always.*
and after my media empire takes off next year, you can all say you knew me when...

Friday, December 18, 2009

I Just Officially Canceled Christmas...

...because my Verizon bill was $771.42.

That is all.

*smooches...because it's all I have to give right now*
no, really, the shit is canceled so don't be sniffing around for gifts, egg nog, good cheer- NONE of that shit. We're closed!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Reason #67,229 Why I'm Going To Hell...

SMARTY P. JONES: Did you really just ask for "Bejeweled Balls" for the Pope?

ME: I'm not sure what you mean... *puts on halo*

SPJ: Of course you're not. You'll be sure Hell is hot when you get there for making fun of the Holy One and stealing that halo!

ME: This halo was given to me by Lou(cifer)'s his old one. I dusted it off. You like?

SPJ: Oh. THAT'S why it blinks?! I thought it was holiday decor. *shrugs*

ME: It's not blinking. It's WINKING.

SPJ: *dead*

*smooches...strutting all over blogger w/my winking halo*
I know y'all are jealous because you want one, too. Oh well...too bad, so sad... it's allllllllllll mine!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm Gonna Let It Go For Real After I Say This Last Thing

And I know I said I'd let it go before but I have one more thing to add.

Letting someone know a relationship is not working for you is never an easy thing, I get that. I've found it rather hard to do my whole life. Even as a teen, my way of ending it with a dude was to act real bitchy and intolerable until he screamed "NO MAS" and left of his own accord. It was just easier that way.

But as we get older I would like to think that we've matured passed all those immature ways of breaking things off. That's what I would LIKE to think. I've found that to NOT be the case since I was shoved back into the dating pool after my divorce.

SATC fans- remember the episode where Berger dumped Carrie via a post-it note? No? Here's a refresher:

Infuriating, right? Like, who comes back for one more roll in the hay and then cat-burglars it out in the wee hours, leaving behind a sorry ass post it? Like, FOR REAL?

How about its equally pussy-move cousin, the text message? Or voice mail? Or fucking IM? Or, for the truly bold at heart- changing the FB status before you even dump the person? Classy, right? What kind of shit is that?

Imagine, you're chillin, getting lunch, reading the latest memo about the covers for the TPS reports when suddenly your phone is all abuzz and its your latest honey. Only instead of saying something like, "Lets grab a bite after work" he's all, "It's not you per se..." I tell you, that PER SE is HOSTILE, JUDGMENTAL and just plain NAUSEATING. It's not me PER SE? Do you even know how to properly use that motherfucking word? Because if you did, you'd know that what you are saying is that IT IS ME.

So why don't you just grow some and SAY IT'S ME? I'm a big girl. I can take it. I'd be sad, hurt, whatever but at least I wouldn't be cursing your ass out every time your name was mentioned. And not because I have all this unrequited love for you, but rather because you were such a man bitch about everything and I have ZERO respect for your funky ass.

Great, now I sound like Carrie, yelling at Berger's friends at the club:

Last Wednesday I let "him" know that if he just apologized I'd forgive and forget- two things I rarely do, and I meant it. Something tells me it will never happen and that's okay, too, but I just want it known that had he gone out with some dignity- had ALL OF YOU triflin ass, flaky ass, no-ball-having ass pansies ended things properly, Alanis wouldn't have become my spokesperson:

"And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it..."

Fucking bastard(s)!

*smooches...adding the final nail in that coffin and laying that shit to rest*
you will never hear about them again. Yes, them. More than one asshole hath crossed this Jaded NYer...fucking bastards...

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Just Wanna Give A Shout Out To All My Homies...

I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you about my knowledge of sitemeter because frankly- I don't really know how to navigate my way around it.

All I know how to do is see from where people are visiting my blog. Like last year, I had a huge following in the Middle East and Poland, but they've left me for greener pastures I guess. I know I lost many readers when I went private this summer, which was my ultimate plan anyway, so I'm guessing the Polish and Arabic folks just stopped trying to get access.

But I still have my loyal bunch, and some new locations, so I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge all the cities/states/countries of the souls I'm dragging to hell with me. Oh yes, I said hell- y'all come on here regularly and participate in the crazy so YES, you're alllllllll coming with me!

*books flight*

Who needs a kosher meal? Vegans? Anorexics/Bulemics? (Y'all's meals come with *ahem* buckets)

Anyways, this post is just to say...

I see you, Leeds, UK! Berlin, Germany... what it DO, homie?! Waterloo, Ontario, Canada- thanks for stopping by!

Much love to the readers in Oakland, CA; Winchester, NH; Jackson, Mississippi; Altamonte Springs, Florida; Wyandanch, Long Island; The Boogie Down Bronx; BROOKLYYYYYYYYYN; Manhattan; and the homies in Massachusetts, Connecticut, N. Carolina, Texas, Missouri, Nevada, Alabama, Kentucky and Georgia. Sitemeter tells me y'all visit me a lot and I thank you for stopping by and excusing the mess. I will try and tidy up a little more from now on.


Oh who am I kidding! Just move that stack of magazines aside, step over the pile of laundry and make yourself at home. This is as clean as it's going to get!

*smooches...thinking I was crazy to want to get rid of you*
as much fun as we have over here? I ain't never leaving again!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Keep Your Dick In Your Pants And Your Legs Closed!

I tried to just mind my business throughout all the infidelity chatter going on since Mr. Tiger "Sweet Dick" Woods found himself stone cold BUSTED with an impressive number of alleged hos (and I only say impressive because I'm shocked he had ONE ho, let alone 10, seeing as he looks like a black/Asian version of Corky from Life Goes On...), but I can stay silent no more. Why? Because y'all keep freakin TALKING about it.

So fine, you wanna talk about it? Let's take it to the airwaves:

What: Monday Musings/Mars vs. Venus Pt.3: Infidelity...How Freakin Hard Can It Be??
When: TONIGHT @ 10PM
Where: Dammit, if you don't know by now, I swear...

My co-hosts tonight is Brother Omi (y'all know him already) and Nikita Banks (she's a cool gyal and owner of The Single Girl's Guide To Men), and of course, the usual cast of misfits will be all up and through the chatroom so you won't want to miss this one.

No, for real, don't miss this one or I will hunt you all down and scalp you in your sleep!

That is all.

*smooches...sharpening my blades, just in case*
I really hate to resort to threats n shit but y'all be testing me!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Sibling Rivalry

Recently, during a conversation with K about N's clingy-ness to me, I had to remind this child that she, too, was once a momma's girl, always seeking my lap for comfort and what not and she didn't believe me.

ME: Do I need to call in witnesses? You were always all up and under my skirt, following me everywhere. In fact, while I had my fully pregnant belly you still insisted on sleeping ON TOP of me. That's why N is so crazy... you crushed the baby. YOU CRUSHED THE BABY!!

K: Well, she shouldn't have been trying to take over my territory!

old album cover from their music days...HA!

What can you even say to that? *sigh*

*smooches...rethinking this whole, "have 2 more babies" thing*
who knows what N will do to THOSE babies. y'all know she's thuggish...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Ali Larter Put Roots On Me!

Let me tell you, sweet readers, about my very unusual Thursday evening and please tell me if I should hop a flight to LA to kick this Ali Larter chick's ass or not, okay? So here's what happened.

I was getting ready to cook dinner, and usually I like to have music or a movie playing in the background while I slice n dice n saute, so I went to check out what was new to watch on Netflix. Lo and behold, "Obsessed" was there, and I figured, "Cool. Let me finally see this train wreck, err, film so I can make fun of it."

CHIIIILLLLLDDDDD, first of all, this movie was so DUMB and predictable, I didn't have time to make fun of Beyonce. The writers were my target this time around. Just plain the audience old recycled plotlines and devices and shit... OOOH I hate a lazy screenwriter! By the time I got to the part were Idris passes out on his bed I shut it off- I already knew where this was going and if there were any doubts in my head the trailer helped me relieve them. TIRED. RECYCLED. PLOTLINE.

After I gave "Obsessed" the big thumbs down on Twitter, I tried to watch "The Way We Were" but the computer started acting up (as it's BEEN doing in its old age) so I was like "UGH! FORGET IT!" and shut down the whole damn thing, finished cooking dinner in silence and decided to sleep off my aggravation with a sweet little evening nap.


Apparently me shutting off the movie upset that crazy heifer Ali Larter because not only did it make my computer crash, but I had the CRAZIEST dream + hallucinatory moments! This dream, mannnnnn, CRAZY!! In it, I was taking K to a concert but I couldn't take N because she was too young. So I got a room next door to the venue (don't even ask on what planet this makes sense because hell if I know) in which to stash her while K and I were at the show. When we arrive, no one is on stage yet, and Eb the Celeb is there to inform us the main act isn't performing until at least 10PM. I decide to head back to the room and stay with N until that time.

In this room, which actually turns out to be a rustic cabin (again, I don't know WHERE the fuck we're supposed to be at this point in time) and there's this Russian woman in the room with this baby, as are my mom and her Church Lady Posse. They tell me that this Russian woman is hiding from some people who want to take her baby away so I need to help them protect her.

All of a sudden these big ol' Russian Mafia dudes burst in demanding the baby, and we're all like "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE! YOU CAN'T HAVE THE BABY!" and there's grabbing and snatching and fighting and finally, we get them to leave and keep the Russian woman and her baby safe. Then my mom is all, "We're gonna move her somewhere else. Stay here while I get the van."

Next thing I know, a certain gentleman caller pays me a visit (same dude who "could get it, no commitment necessary" from yesterday's post) and we start making out on the couch (my kids were in the NEXT FREAKIN ROOM with the Russian & her baby). Things got really hot and heavy and clothes began to come off when suddenly we realize we don't have a condom. Which makes sense because at the start of the dream I was taking my child to a damn concert- why would I need a condom for that, right? My question is- why didn't HE have one if he knew he was coming to see me? See, y'all men are triflin... but I digress...

As we're getting dressed and cooling off, Mari shows up, and we're all acting casual as if we weren't all butts out and shit, and she's like, "You know the girls can probably tell he's your boyfriend" in that school marm way she has of talking to me, as if she's the older sister (that's right- I SAID IT!), then I realize my hand is all ass-grabbin and the K&N are looking RIGHT AT ME. So we decide to distract them with these balloons that suddenly appear in the room!

Did I mention that in this dream N is a toddler, walking around in a diaper and nothing else? Well, she is.

So there we are, blowing up balloons for N and she's toddling around in the cabin, insisting on jumping in this mud puddle IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM when my mom shows up to collect the Russian woman + baby.


As if that weren't enough to question my sanity, at several points throughout this 3-hour-nap-from-hell I woke up to check on the babies, asking them on three separate occasions if they ate dinner and if it was tasty, AND I sent out some tweets from my Blackberry phone. How do I know? Because K was like, "Mommy, you already asked us that THREE TIMES" and I saw my twitter timeline after I woke up.


I don't know about you, but I'm starting to think Ali is a witch or something. If y'all see her in the street...RUN THE OTHER WAY!

*smooches...scared to go back to sleep*
I've never had such a crazy dream that included lucid moments that I didn't recall...should I be concerned about my brain?

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

He Doesn't Know It But...

...whenever we speak and he calls me "sweetheart" I melt a little inside

...if I won the Lotto today he'd get half- no questions asked

...a tiny little, "I'm sorry. It was all my fault. Please forgive me." would squash everything between us

...I will never, ever be his, bear his children, or marry him. No matter what. the short time we were together I kinda really fell for him

...I'd give him carte blanc in the bedroom, right now, no commitment necessary

...he was my first true love

...I only use him for an ego boost

...while I play the friend role, I'm secretly waiting out his relationship

...if I didn't have him in my life I couldn't go on

*smooches...for all the men- good and bad- in my life*
you know what's fun? sitting here laughing at you tryna figure out which statement goes with which if you'd EVER get it right!

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

What Is It About Sadness...?

I hate being sad. I especially hate it when I'm sad and I don't know why. Even more so when I do know why and am too sad to do anything about it.

At those moments being under the covers is all I have the strength to do. Smiling hurts; laughing becomes such a chore; life as I know it manifests as a burden I need to let go of.

Sometimes I wonder how I got this way. Was I a sad baby? Or did it begin later in life- middle school? Adolescence? In my 20s? What is lacking in my life that makes me go from having a good time with friends to complete and total darkness in 2.3 seconds flat?

I had such a good Thanksgiving week- I had my writing workshop on Monday, hung out with Irene and Olivia on Tuesday, happy hour with the ladies on Wednesday, dinner with my family on Thursday, Eden's first birthday in Nyack on Friday, more fun with the ladies on Saturday, which also included a good-night kiss from a certain suitor, and it all ended with brunch on Sunday with the ladies and wine & football with an old friend.

Why so sad? Where, in all of that, does sadness fit in? How did that dark cloud creep in unnoticed? Was I too busy laughing and having a good time to notice that it was there all along? Was the entire week just a distraction from the cloud that, in fact, never crept in unnoticed but rather, has been with me forever?

And more importantly, why won't it leave me alone?

*smooches...begging for this cup to pass from me*
I don't think I'm strong enough to bear it.

Monday, December 07, 2009

"Pelo Numero 7"

But before we get to it, you know I always like to serenade y'all with some welcome back music. Usually it's my boy Ludacris, but for some reason I've been rockin this Monica oldie but goodie a lot lately:

*walks it out all over your monitor*

OK, back to the show...

So I finally saw Chris Rock's documentary film "Good Hair." And even though I'm hella late I decided it's worth a live conversation on Monday Musings, with co-host Smarty P. Jones.

Why? I'll tell you right now...

When I was a little girl, I had long, thick, wavy hair. Every Sunday my mom would take HOURS UPON HOURS to wash it using a product line by a woman called Mirta de Perales. The products included this oil you had to soak your hair in for like an hour, a milk-based shampoo, conditioner and a rinse. THEN I had to sit for rollers and THEN I had to sit under the dryer for at least two hours.

FYI- We weren't church-going folks, clearly. HAIR was our religion I guess.

When I look back on my hair as a kid I think- I'd kill to have that back again; why'd my mom beat it into submission every week? My hair was AWESOME! And the best part of this story? My hair was considered "bad hair."

YUP. In my house it was labeled "pelo numero 7" which I suppose was some twisted code for nappy or something... who knows. It basically applied to anything that wasn't Caucaisian-like, or favoring the more European-looking of the Latinas in the family.

This was what I grew up with: thinking my hair wasn't good because it didn't lay flat even though it was so thick and healthy and long. And well-cared for. It was still "bad" in my family's eyes. Sad, right?

Even sadder? When I was 10yrs old, I went to DR for the summer, and my mom decided to hire a woman from our building to braid my hair. You know, so that my family would not have to worry about combing my "bad hair" while I was down there. I LOVED my braids soooo much, but when my aunts and grandparents saw this "black hairdo" they were none too pleased, and within a week they had me in the salon... GETTING A RELAXER. To say that my mom was pissed is an understatement.

From age 10-24 I was HOOKED on that creamy-crack like nobody's business. You couldn't tell me NOTHING about my freshly relaxed hair. In junior high school, some kids even dubbed me Ms. Clairol because of the fabulousness that was my hair. I lived and breathed for my next salon visit until, one day, the inevitable... my hair...was...falling...out. And on my 16th birthday I had to have a "big chop" to rid me of the damaged tresses. You would think I'd learn my lesson from that, right? but NOPE. I kept it up until I met Josie, my Dominican hairstylist, in 1998. She helped me break the habit.

God bless that woman because on my first visit to her salon she said to me, "You don't need a relaxer, I promise you. Just keep coming here and I will condition it and blow it out for you, and you will see that you will never need it again."

It took nearly 6yrs to rid myself of all the "processed hair" but Josie was right, and today a part of me wants to give my aunts a HUGE *side eye* for the trauma I suffered when my hair was falling out. It also fed my decision to keep my babies away from that lye-based hot ghetto mess. I think I made the right decision, too.

But listen, I'm not here to tell you what to do with YOUR hair, tho. I'm just telling you my side of the story, hoping you will tune in to the show tonight and join in on the conversation about what, exactly, is this "Good Hair" people keep speaking of... and why does it require us women of color putting such damaging chemicals so close to our delicate skin!

*smooches...shittin on you hoes in my NY Chola pic*
have you ever seen curls so luxurious? don't hate...

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Jaded Photographs 2009: December Edition

"We Stay Fly, No Lie, You Know This..."

*smooches...turning people JADED since 2006*

Friday, November 27, 2009


I didn't over-eat like I'd planned (thanks a lot, cramps!) and my hair was frizzing up like a little bitch:

but what I did eat was marvelously delicious. Then Titi Gloris brought out the family photos:

A Young Papi & Titi Gloris

Minnie none-to-thrilled with Santa

Me, barely out the womb!

Mami, Minnie and me (in vitro LOL)

And THEN her hubby popped in the most awesome salsa concert DVDs. Like so:

I think hands down, our Thanksgiving was better than yours. Especially because we're so amazingly beautiful:

There, I said it.

*smooches...with plans to gorge on leftovers*
hope your weekend plans include me. or at least thoughts of me. because I'm vain that way!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I'm Thankful (2009)

My beloved grandmother is gone from me physically, has been now for a decade, and for a while I struggled to feel her presence. But I see her face in Ns face sometimes and it gives me goosebumps. And when I need an extra boost of courage and OOMPF I wear her ring. And I still have Papi and Titi Gloris and Mami and Minnie and Mari and my sweet, sweet babies, and although it's not the closeness we used to share I still have them all in my life. Plus I have my extended family in MA, and my BFFs for life: Jack and Irene and Evy and Lani and Celia and Cathi and L and E. There really is no need to ever feel lonely in this world.


Even with a few bumps in the road, I have to say I have been so honored and yes, BLESSED, to have some of the best blog friends, many who've turned into real friends, and some that I even consider like family. You all support my crazy shenanigans, real or imaginary, and in a pinch I know who has the machetes at the ready to cut some fools down. I love that we're a part of each others' lives and I really want this Jaded Media Empire to take off and succeed just so I can bring you all with me! You think Hammer had a big entourage? Shiiiiiite, you ain't seen nothing yet! (except, I'll be smarter with the money- I'll put my momma, the Christian accountant, in charge of payroll!)


I've been having a love-hate-love relationship with writing, but I have to admit- it's what keeps me sane (don't laugh- this IS me sane!) and centered and alive. I fought it for so many years in high school and college, studying things that were supposed to be more profitable and employable, but I've come to accept that it is my life. Sometimes I wish I could sing, and lots of days pass when I wish I'd never quit dancing, and sure- I could've put more effort into the clarinet, trumpet and flute- but writing... that's mine. And I love that I have this outlet. Not just the blog but the ability, the talent. Mostly, I love that I've been able to pass it down to my babies, who are growing into such creative beings I can almost cry!


You may laugh at what I'm about to write, but I am thankful for this body. This bag of bones that I've neglected, mistreated, malnourished, lumpy, jiggly, soft body, if for nothing else, for it's resilience. It has taken everything I've thrown at it and still bounced back victorious. I cursed my curves (or lack thereof) many times but you know what? They're mine and I joke about it but I'd never surgically enhance them. This is the body of a mother, writer, daughter, Dominican-York/Brooklynite; it has fought the good fight many times and is still standing, walking, dancing, breathing, being. I wouldn't have it any other way.


Since I admitted to myself and the world that I lost my faith for good this summer, I've yet to really get it back, but I can honestly say I'm at peace with me right now. This might be the PMS talking, the calm before the storm, but I am slowly coming to a place where I'm not letting myself get frazzled that easily, where I'm taking the Zen approach, and not sweating the small stuff. I'm also getting some much needed sleep, which may have something to do with it, and it feels damn good. I no longer believe The Universe is out to get me. I think it's only trying to keep me from getting too comfortable in my routine. Touche, Universe, Touche... I am most definitely up for the challenge.

*smooches...curious as to what you're thankful for*
I also want to add that I'm thankful for Titi Gloris' bacalaitos (codfish fritters) and if she don't make them for Thanksgiving I'm gonna be salty all night!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Before You Begin All Your Turkey Day Preparations...

...I have a few official business items to bring to your attention.

1- The Jaded Bodega has been open for a couple of months now... why aren't you shopping? Oh I know why, because you're too busy asking ME for free shit! Mhmm, you know who you are. I know I willingly offered prizes in the beginning, but that was then and this is now and some of y'all are acting like straight-up leeches at this point. You know I don't have a job, right? Okay, just checking. (Much love to Celia who helped herself to a Jaded mug. Besos!)

2- The deadline to submit the first round of "Letters I'll Never Send" is December 18th, and I know you all have a bunch of things you need to get off your chest. Especially with the holiday's coming up. Trust me when I say a letter is a GREAT way to do that. Email me at with your submission or for more information.

3- On Monday Musings next week we're discussing the book, "In Cuba I Was A German Shepherd" by Ana Menendez. Some of you are all, "I don't have the time!" but it's a book of short stories and I really think you will enjoy it. Visit your local library or Strands or Barnes and Noble to get a copy today- it's an easy read, trust!

4- Writers, guess what? I was thinking that I don't have enough shit to worry about so I decided to organize a literary reading in January. I'm looking to feature FIVE writers- poets, too- up on a mic, sharing their gifts with a smallish audience of friends and literary lovers. I invite submissions from Latino/a writers at this time at: on the theme "The Latino Family." And of course, you can interpret that any way you'd like.

(Everyone else fret not- the next reading, in February or March, will be more inclusive. This first one, however, is being sponsored by my Latina Writers Workshop, hence the theme.)

5- I don't really have a five; I have OCD tendencies about lists ending in multiples of 5. So there you have it. DEAL WITH IT.

*smooches...wondering how long before it all pays off*
I need Mama Oprah to throw a windfall my way for real! Soooo many ideas in my head and no loot to see it all materialize... AACK!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Eve Was FRAMED!! (A Letter To The Catholic Church)

Dear Pope Benedict XVI:

I'm writing to you today in the hopes that you will finally help me in putting to bed the whole myth of Eve being the fall of man. Pope John Paul would not heed my letters during his reign, er, service to the Church, but you seem like a reasonable man.

Here's the issue- for as long as I can remember, I was told that Eve, the first woman made of Adam's rib, fell prey to the serpent's trickery, ate of the forbidden tree of knowledge, and then offered Adam some, too.If I recall the story correctly, when God approached the pair, it was Adam who was quick to drop dime and be all "Eve did it," correct? That's the malarkey y'all have been passing down from generation to generation, right? Right.

Well I'm tired of it, and I'd like you to set the record straight.

Please let the people know that it was actually Adam who first tasted the fruit of the tree, that is was Adam trying to exert his bravado and superiority over the serpent that caused the rift between God and man, and that Eve, being the ever loyal and dutiful Ride Or Die bitch was asked to take the fall.

I'd like all Christians to hear from your wrinkled, lyin ass homophobic lips that all Eve did was support her man as she was asked to do by God. She was obedient and true, and when Adam approached her and just BOLD FACED LIED about where he got that fruit from, she believed him. Eve had no reason to doubt that shady ass motherfucker and, God help us, from the apple she did bite. Then, as she wept, Adam had the audacity to be all, "Baby listen, if God asks, it was you who ate first. He'll be easy on you because you're the woman."

And poor, gullible Eve, madly in love with Adam as she was, agreed. So when God approached them about the fruit, she let Adam blame it on her. You know it's the truth. You KNOW it.

Considering that Adam fucked women over, because we both know God was a lot harder on us (um, hello, CHILDBIRTH) than he was on his golden boy, Adam, the very least you can do is exonerate us, finally, and let the truth be known.

If I have to hear one more clueless asshole blame Eve for the state of the human world, honestly, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Do you really want that blood on your hands? Do you Benny? Do you? Because you know, blood no longer bothers me. I've been dealing with it since 1986.

Do the right thing here, and nobody has to get hurt.


*smooches...figuring, I'm already going to hell..."
...might as well have a fun flight, no??

Monday, November 23, 2009

Football For Dummies...And Other Musings

Just stuff going on in my crazy mind...

Men In Uniform
Apparently, I get my penchant for servicemen from my mom. She was like a school girl asking for our picture to be taken with these dudes after Mari's Army 10-mile race back in October!

And clearly, even Colonial Uniforms are a turn on, too.

This Cake Never Stood A Chance...
...against two PMSing females and a 9-year-old with a bottomless pit for a stomach. Exhibit A:

was baked on Saturday night. The photo above is what it looked like on SUNDAY AFTERNOON. Help Us!

Football For Dummies
You all know that I am an avid beisbol fanatic that dabbles in football in the winter. But I have to say, I don't really understand the ins and out of the latter. I could easily step in for any umpire during a Mets game, but ask me to make a call during a football game and you'll hear crickets. So I figured it's time I get schooled on this game, since I find myself yelling at the computer monitor during game days.

So tonight on Monday Musings, blogger and compadre 12kyle of The 12th Planet will co-host seeing as he eats & breathes football like his life depends on it. (Quietly, I think it does!) If you don't want to be left out, make sure and tune in!!

Get A Haircut, Hippie!
I posted this pic on Twitter to both A) show off my locks and B) solicit sponsorship for a much needed visit to the hair salon for a haircut.

My ends are looking cat-raggedy... it refuses to hold a curl and gets all frizzy at the slightest hint of humidity... won't anyone sponsor a Jaded NYer today?!

Is There A Doctor In The House?
I know these Halloween pictures are mad tardy for the party, but better late than never, heifers!

The Happy Hour Ladies

Dr. Penzo and Eb the Gladiator

"Gimme that night fever, night feverrrrrrrr... we know how to do it..."

*smooches...staying too busy to realize I'm unemployed*
What's going on in your world, suckazzzzz?!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Today I Will (11/20/09)

Here we are once again with another exercise from the book Irene bought me: Enjoy Life and Be Happy in 30 Seconds by Alex Lluch. To recap for the newbies, she bought me the book as a joke and said, "blog about it." I started to make fun of i until I realized, hey, these exercises aren't that bad.

(to read previous installments click on the TODAY I WILL tag)

Activity #4: Today I will make a heartfelt apology to someone I have wronged.

Of all the assignments so far, this one has proven itself to be incredibly difficult. Not because I don't know how to apologize, but because I don't know who I've wronged. Listen, I'm not saying I'm a saint because I'm not, but I honestly can't think of someone I've done dirty who either A- wasn't asking for it or B- I didn't already apologize to. And yes I know the grammar just then was sucky but you've read the papers from my students...their ignorance is catching up with me!

You people know how I am. It drives me crazy to know someone is mad at me so chances are I've already made amends with any and all injured parties. But in case I missed anyone...

I'm sorry. Sometimes I get caught up in my own selfish emotions that I forget you have feelings, too. It's not something I do on purpose and believe me when I say I'm trying to change. This whole year has been one of self-discovery and self-improvement, and I'd be remiss if I didn't let you know how truly bad I feel for hurting you. Please accept my apology; I know it may seem generic but it is from my heart.

Do you have anyone that needs to hear an apology from you?

*smooches...thinking, "that should cover it!"*
but seriously, if I have wronged you and didn't know or forgot, just let me know. I'm not unreasonable; I would totally apologize!