Tuesday, December 08, 2009

What Is It About Sadness...?

I hate being sad. I especially hate it when I'm sad and I don't know why. Even more so when I do know why and am too sad to do anything about it.

At those moments being under the covers is all I have the strength to do. Smiling hurts; laughing becomes such a chore; life as I know it manifests as a burden I need to let go of.

Sometimes I wonder how I got this way. Was I a sad baby? Or did it begin later in life- middle school? Adolescence? In my 20s? What is lacking in my life that makes me go from having a good time with friends to complete and total darkness in 2.3 seconds flat?

I had such a good Thanksgiving week- I had my writing workshop on Monday, hung out with Irene and Olivia on Tuesday, happy hour with the ladies on Wednesday, dinner with my family on Thursday, Eden's first birthday in Nyack on Friday, more fun with the ladies on Saturday, which also included a good-night kiss from a certain suitor, and it all ended with brunch on Sunday with the ladies and wine & football with an old friend.

Why so sad? Where, in all of that, does sadness fit in? How did that dark cloud creep in unnoticed? Was I too busy laughing and having a good time to notice that it was there all along? Was the entire week just a distraction from the cloud that, in fact, never crept in unnoticed but rather, has been with me forever?

And more importantly, why won't it leave me alone?

*smooches...begging for this cup to pass from me*
I don't think I'm strong enough to bear it.