Wednesday, December 23, 2009

[Not-So-] Secret Addendum To My Will

In the event of my untimely passing (as in, I didn't have time to get my shit in order before god decided that he had had enough of my sassing him), I'm going to need whomever is closer to my humble abode to come over here and handle a few things BEFORE Mami gets here and goes through my shit. Just tell my landlord you're my sister/cousin/uncle- they won't know the difference. Just don't say you were my boyfriend because he'll know you're lying...'round these parts I'm known as "that tenant with two kids and no husband or boyfriend or man, period."

I figured, this blog already serves to humiliate the PENZO/ACOSTA/ORTIZ/BERMUDEZ names to no ends, and once my extended family knows what's contained on this site they will be angry beyond angry. Why make it worse by letting Mami find other things that she doesn't know about?

So please, if you love me, I will need you to come over here and make sure everything on this checklist is done and DONE AND DONE:

1- My old diary. It's baby blue with a lock that doesn't lock and a bunch of dorky stickers on it, and can be found in a bin full of empty journals under my bed. Please burn this. Mami has pretty much read MOST of it, because she is/was intrusive like that, but still, burn it. There are a few things in there that need to die with me.

2- In my closet, behind all the handbags that I never use, there's a Nike duffel bag. Burn this as well. Without opening it. Trust me when I say you DON'T want to know what is in this bag.

3- Throughout the apartment you will find various stacks of unopened mail in shopping bags, storage bins, shoe boxes or out on the table, all of them overdue bills/late notices/threats on my life by creditors. Please shred these. I'd rather Mami wasn't all, "I told you to PAY this" at my funeral.

4- Grab my Blackberry phone and just delete all my BBM conversations. At once. In fact, do this first. Delete all of my contacts, too. And the text messages- sent AND received- on my LG Chocolate. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE TEXT MESSAGES!!!

5- The password to my computer is taped to the inside of the crown molding around the cubby above my closet (you'll know what I mean when you see it). Log on to my account and just start purging EVERYTHING in the files marked "Things From 2006" and "Things From 2007" in the MY DOCUMENTS folder immediately. Do this while you're deleting the bbm conversations & contacts- get it all over with at once. PLEASE NOTE- You will ALSO need to print out the documents in the file hidden in the SYSTEM folder labeled "RIP" in the event that my death seems a bit shady/suspicious. These documents will help the detectives solve the case.

I won't go into any more detail at this time, but I may update the list as years go by and more skeletons, literal and metaphorical, appear in my closet. Just bookmark this post and take care of this for me, will ya? Thanks!

(special shout out to @Strawberry15 on Twitter for inspiring this post!)

*smooches...reluctant to get rid of these things myself*
And as a bonus to whomever is kind enough to carry this out for me, you may take ONE unpublished work from my files and pass it off as your own, no credit to me or my estate necessary. You're Welcome.