Wednesday, December 31, 2008

"Next Year, Baby"

You know what time it is... that's right homies, this is the post where I recap all the ups, downs and side to sides that happened in the Jaded NYer's life.

First I want to thank you all for reading and commenting and giving me a reason to write shit down everyday; it's nice to be appreciated and I'm truly humbled by it.

Sooooo, 2008, man, it was crazy to say the least. You ready? Let's roll...

January: I made this list of "promises" to myself that I did not keep, like getting fit and ordering less takeout and what not. PFFT, who was I kidding?!

Favorite post-- Racial Profiling On The F-Train

February: THE GIANTS WIN THE SUPERBOWL and two days later I'm at death's door. Coincidence? I think not... you know, C just happens to be a Jets fan...

Favorite post-- Hey There Number 57

March: Oh, Spitzer... how interesting you made my March... I can't even thank you enough. I believe I got like FOUR awesome posts out of your foolishness. Client #9 indeed!

Favorite post-- In Case You Didn't Know

April: This month my posts all seemed very life-reflective n shit, and I got a little gimmicky with the whole, song-lyrics-as-titles thing, but most importantly, fellow Dominicano extraordinaire Junot Diaz wins the Pulitzer for his novel, The Brief, Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Have you read it yet?

Favorite post-- Cada Dia Pienso En Ti

May: Lordy lord lord... my birthday celebrations were HERETOFORE, okay?! I partied in NYC AND in Boston, 'cause I gots it like that. And my liver? Yeah it has yet to fully recover.

Favorite post-- What It's Like To Have A Good Relationship With Your Ex

June: I got my 3rd tattoo and the party of the year is in... Springfield, Massachusetts? Yessir, you'd better believe it, and it was the most partiest party of all time.

Favorite post-- My Autobiography Would Sound Like This

July: This month I revisited another slight obsession of mine- being a redhead! Ever since I saw The Quiet Man as a kid I wanted red hair like Maureen O'Hara, so I went to MariJosie and got me some. And admit it- you all loved it!

Favorite post-- Feel The Wrath Of God

August: I went to some idiot neurologist for my headaches and it ends in pure disaster... long story short, he did NOTHING for me. Oh, and I met C's girlfriend because he brought her ass to N's birthday party.

Favorite post-- Sign O The Times

September: Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends launches on Blog Talk Radio with me n Mari talking 'bout Dominicans and Haitians and why we can't/don't/won't get a long. And my family of inanimate objects grows by one: I (finally) got a bike!

Favorite post-- I Had To Start Eating Breakfast Because...

October: I took on the idea of religion and Christianity in one of my posts and was totally amazed to so so many co-signers... and no lightening fell from the sky or anything! See that, Sister Dorothy? You were WRONG!

Favorite post-- I Wish...

November: Holy Shit- a Black president. Can you just DIE? I had zero faith in the dude, seriously, but he proved me wrong and I commend him. He did the damn thing. But more importantly- Eden Elizabeth McKenzie was born on Thanksgiving Day.

Favorite post-- My Concession Speech

December: This month was also very reflective for me... I realized '08 wasn't all I wanted it to be and fell into familiar self-destructive habits. But with a little help from my (family and) friends, I made it to the end in one piece. Thanks, y'all!

Favorite post-- No Mas List Of 2008: 10 Latinos Who Need To Give It Up Already

My dear lovelies, it's been an absolute blast!! I can't tell you enough times how blessed (yes, I wrote blessed... just DEAL, okay?) I feel to have you all in my life, even if it's mostly virtual and not actual.

Isn't it amazing how Blogger brought us all together?

From all of us here inside Raquel's head at The Jaded NYer, have a Happy, Prosperous New Year, and please be safe out there, have a wonderfully festively time, and I'll "see" you next year, baby:

*smooches...looking forward to another year of greatness on this earth*
I want nothing but success from and for all of you, so get to work! And after we've conquered the world, let's throw a big-ass party to celebrate how freakin awesome we are, mmkay?

I'll bring the Brugal :P

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

'Tis The Season... spend more time with my family and less time with this blog attached to my hip like an unruly 2-year-old.

Yup, I'm on another mini-break.

But I promise- if you come back on December 31st for my end of the year post, I'll make it worth your while.

But before I take off into the holiday night, I want to take this moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Festivus, and all that good shit.

I especially want to give GINORMOUS THANKS to:

Brother Omi
The F$%k-It List

For being very awesome co-hosts during the first season of Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends. You were all really great, came prepared, made me laugh, made me think and kept me going even after I wanted to quit the show.

I look forward to next season as we continue with both the Child Rearing and Evolution of Hip-Hop series, and even tackle some toughies like race relations and the immigration debate. Oh yes, I WILL take it there. Also I'm including LIVE artist interviews and literary highlights... I'm bringing it all to you in '09. Stay tuned!!

So from all of us here inside Raquel's head at The Jaded NYer, please have a safe and happy holiday, and I pray the Universe brings you everything you need to be successful and happy in life.

Until we meet again on the 31st...

*smooches...reveling in the thought of this extra long break*
In case you don't see me around the internets too much and start to go through Jaded withdrawal, know that I'm only an email away:

love y'all


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Reunited And It Feels So Good...

JACK WAS IN TOWN THIS PAST WEEKEND!!! It was totally splenderific to see him again, even if it was only for a few hours as he passed through NYC while doing the Holiday thing with his family. Aren't you just JEALOUS? Jack included ME in his family plans... yeah, you're jealous, I know... But seriously, I haven't laid eyes on my Sweetie McSweeterton since our drunken outing in '06 so I was super excited to see him.

He joined me on the LES during the NYC Blogging Ladies Holiday get together (to see awesome pics of that night, head on over to Eb's site) and awww I miss him already again!!!!

Funny side-bar: His mom thinks we're lovers, a story co-signed by his cousin who is a delightful little instigator and kept adding fuel to the gossip fire. HILARIOUS!! The best part is, his mom asks if I'm Puerto Rican, and when she's informed that no, I'm Dominican, Jack's mom replies, "Well, at least she's Latina." Thanks, mom!! HA... gotta love Latino moms, they are the best!

And now let me just say, AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A NYC BLOGGING PAR-TAY! Even though I was in crazy pain all day Sunday, as in I was limping all over Pathmark at the Atlantic Center Mall, I had tons-o-fun hanging out with all of the lovely ladies of blogger.


We should totally make a calendar: The Lovely Ladies of Blogger!! DUDE, do you know how much loot we could rack in? Just ask Twanna over at Funky Brown Chick- she was just featured in a sex bloggers' calendar, although they were raising money for a charity. Still, I'm just sayin'... someone put that shit together ASAP... if need be, I know a pretty good photog *wink* Hey, Marcin; wassup, baby?!


The plan was to meet for Happy Hour (which I missed; college basketball games had me by the throat, and I usually HATE college ball. However, when it's college ball on a 50" flat screen plasma and there's pizza involved, well, can you blame me?!) then dinner then dancing. Dinner was DEE-licious (Boca Chica on 1st & 1st- the nexus of the universe HA!) even though my chicharron de pollo was NOT what *I* know chicharron de pollo to be, I'll give them a pass because it was still tasty.

The dancing part was, oh, how do I even describe how good it felt to go dancing again after such a long hiatus? My shoes were killing me but I danced through the pain out of sheer determination to enjoy every minute of this rare night out!

Funny story- the bartender at the club was a total stank-ass BI-OTCH who was ruder than rude and kept ignoring us... so while I was complaining about it, some random dude comes up to me and Jack and tells Jack if he were to whip out his penis and I were to just unleash the twins, we might get better service. I'm still not sure who he was hitting on... why is it everytime I'm out with Jack the bi-sexuals come out the woodwork to hit on us BOTH at the same time?

But I unfortunately have something yucky to report- JACK wasn't the only Jack I reunited with that night. Yes, my dry spell was interrupted by the 4 shots of Jack Daniels I drank that night. And it wasn't just whiskey... I drank some other shit, too... I know, I know; I said I was through with alcohol, but clearly it wasn't through with me!


Scary part was, I was totally fine until ShellyShell and I went to visit Lani... and she gave us shots of JAGER. My first and last shot EVER of that nastiness. It tasted like licorice dipped in funky ass juice and NEVER AGAIN will I subject myself to that mess. BLECH!

Here's Ms. Lani with the bar manager, a very cool Anglo by the name of Dennis:

ShellyShell was in rare form that night... she was spewing such craziness at the bar that poor Lani just gave up her battle with Gravity. FUNNY SHIT- y'all missed out!

Oh, and Dennis played this song for us:

Even though it is very clear that both me and Lani are NOT the ones Mos Def is talking about in this song! Booty? What's that? I know not this "booty" that you speak of... Shelly, honey, this was alllllll you!

Then he played this:

And all three of us were all over it... BIG UP, BROOK-LYNNNNNNN!!!!!!

Other things of note: I am not a kid anymore. Someone please remind me of this next time I go out. The next morning my whole body ached. Seriously from head to toe- PAIN! What made me think I can stay out until 6AM dancing and drinking n shit? What the hell???

Also, Jack thought he was being REAL FUNNY asking me my shirt size, suggesting maybe I'm an XL instead of a large because of the Twins. DANG- they are NOT that big!! As proof, here I am wearing said TShirt (thanks, boo!! You know I love me some Mets!):

(peep the tired eyes in the shot... HOT. MESS. But my hair was still cute so it doesn't matter- did you notice? I got a haircut, y'all!)

And now, I cannot wait until next weekend... that's right- another girls' night out. It's the holidays... what? Don't judge me, monkey...

*smooches...vowing that even though alcohol came back, sex will not*
I can handle my liquor; men, however...

Monday Musings On Hiatus...

Dahlings... did you enjoy last night's broadcast? I thought it was very informative and brought up many good points on what it's like to be plus-sized in today's society. Of course, I only have an hour so Irene and I couldn't possible touch upon EVERYTHING... hop on over to the BTR blog and let me know your thoughts.

And remember, we're on vacation for the 29th, but please believe I'll be back on January 5th with more of Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends.

*smooches...looking forward to next year's hot topics*
I really think you'll enjoy what I have in store for you my dearies.

Also, if anyone is DYING to be a co-host because you want to hear yourself "on the radio" hit me up on There's room on the crazy bus for everybody!

Monday, December 22, 2008

I'm In Too Much Pain To Blog

I met up with the Lovely Ladies of Blogger (see Eb's site... check the blogroll!) on Saturday and am still recovering!

I only stopped on through to remind you to listen to Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends.

Tonight's topic: Being "plus-sized" in a Size Zero obsessed world. Irene will join me as co-host, and I'm sure it will be something you don't want to miss.

To catch the show, you have to visit the site. See the big button on the right-hand side of the page that says BLOG TALK RADIO? Right. That one. Click that button and it will take you to my page. Thanks!

You'd better not miss it. For real. I'm not playing!!!

*smooches...dragging my plus-sized ass all the way to '09*
I've lost nan one pound at all this year. damn shame.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Coñaso... Me Taguiaron!

Dang, Omi, why you do me like that, son!

I got tagged, y'all, and since I'm home and it's raining and I canceled my faux-date, I'll participate.

But you know I ain't tagging nadie, so relax.

Six things you might not (ever want to) know about me:

1- I talk to myself in the shower. I play out scenarios and practice what I'd say and/or do in those scenarios, that way if it ever happened I'd be prepared. Lately, because I've been watching Law & Order SVU like it's my job, I've been practicing kicking an attacker's ass... and almost busted mine in the process. Here's a tip: do not try any ninja moves in the shower AFTER you've soaped up.

2- I've never been in a physical altercation ever. I mean, I think Minnie and I had it out once or twice (you would, too, if you were locked in a 3BR railroad apartment all the live-long day) but I've never had some chick step to me and try to fight me. And that's saying a lot seeing as I grew up in Bed-Stuy. But then again- who was gonna fight me? I was locked in the GD house all day!

3- My "fight or flight" mechanism is always stuck on flight. When I see, hear or just anticipate any kind of danger, I'm out and pretty much don't care who gets left in my dust. Once, on a flight to or from Buffalo, they switched my seat with a minor who was in the emergency exit. "Are you okay with the responsibility, ma'am?" In my head I was like, "Y'alls dumb asses better keep the fuck up, 'cause if this shit goes down I'm. OUT.

4- I used to be seriously into witchcraft and santeria. Just convinced myself I was a witch with dormant powers because everything I wanted would be mine somehow and I couldn't explain it. Til this day I watch Charmed n Sabrina n Buffy with envy in my heart.

5- When I can't find my Blistex, I use Vick's Vapor Rub as a lip balm. And even though the container says "for external use only" I STAY putting Vick's IN my nostrils. What? You know a better way to clear your nasal passage during cold n flu season?

6- I used to have a puppy named Rocky, back before I became allergic to pet dander, and he was my baby. One day Papi took him out without a leash and he was gone for good. After that, I grew to hate dogs, except Celia's dog Bear because he looks like a smaller, brown-haired version of Rocky. I still miss his dumb ass...

So the other part of the tag was to go into your 6th photo album and post the 6th photo. And here it is:

The world's largest antibiotic from when I was on my deathbed in February. I really can't say WHY I took a picture of it, but I'd like to point out that this fucking pill was a BITCH to swallow, because my throat is retarded like that...

*smooches...begging and pleading- Please Don't Tag Me No Mo*
I'm telling the next tagger, know this right now- I'm not participating. See this foot? *shows you foot* I'm puttin' it down.


Friday, December 19, 2008

The No Mas List of 2008: 10 Latinos Who Need To Give It Up Already

I take no pleasure in calling out my own people, mi gente, mi familia, but I believe in tough love. It's the only way some people will listen.

And so I present to you 10 Latinos with whom I've had it up to "here" already. Can't they just go somewhere?!?!

10- Charytin Goyco. Are you kidding me with your implants and gaudi dresses and inappropriate dance moves? Aren't you like 70? No mas for you... you're grossing me out...

9- Maria Conchita Alonzo. Just the sound of your voice raises the hairs on the back of my neck. Can't you just live off the royalties from Moscow on the Hudson and just disappear? No mas for you... your middle name is pretentious and fake.

8- Don Francisco. Please please please stop airing Sabado Gigante. It is truly vomit-inducing to think about you on stage with those scantily clad "dancers" every week. No mas for you, dirty grampa.

7- Mario Lopez. After all those leaps and bounds you did on Saved By the Bell, you couldn't even pull off Dancing with the Stars. You embarrass me! No mas for you... go back to Bayside.

6- George Lopez. There's nothing worse than when someone starts to believe their own hype, and they're not even relevant anymore. Your show had promise and then it didn't. No mas for you... your head is too big, anyway.

5- Jessica Alba & Zoe Saldana. Alba, for the simple fact that you don't even want to be called Latina, and Saldana, for swearing up and down that you're black instead of an Afro-Latina. BOOOO to both of you because we're fucking AWESOME. No mas for you... 'cause we didn't want you anyway.

4- Omar "Rat Bastard, Come Mierda" Minaya. You could not manage a team out of a paper bag. I'm surprised the Mets get as far as they do each year with your sorry ass at the helm. Don't let me corner you in a dark alley. No mas for you... I'd like to see another Mets World Series win in my lifetime.

3- Columba Garnica Gallo Bush. That's right, I put your full damn name out there, 'cause shame on you for marrying into this shady ass family. You know your husband helped his brother steal the 2000 election, right? And did you speak up when they started with this anti-immigrant campaign? No mas for you... for selling us out.

2- Oscar De La Hoya. You was a damn idiot for agreeing to that fight, for real. The shelf life for an athlete, especially a boxer, is very short but noooo. You just HAD TO push it. And now you're the punchline to many, many jokes. No mas for you... Roberto Duran told me to tell you so.

1- Fidel Castro. DAYUM I ain't never seen someone hold onto life this vigorously since Bob Hope. Are you even still alive, I wonder? No mas for you... I'd like to visit Cuba before I die.

*smooches...sad that I had to let some people go*
hopefully I will not have to repeat this list in '09

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Dropping Some Knowledge On A Thursday

J: ...I'm going to hell for saying that, and you're not too far behind for agreeing

ME: My tix to hell are already reserved

ME: you'd better buy yours now- they're selling out FAST!

J: lol, Im in a bidding war between god the and devil

J: trying to see who pays the most

ME: the devil pays you more now, god pays you more later... so it all depends on when you want your money

Downfall - Matchbox Twenty

*smooches...dropping the mic and exiting stage left*
I don't think I need to say anymore

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

"...I'm Trying Not To Fall Apart..."

First let me say that lately I've been 100% obsessed with Australian singer Sia, and J recently sent me both her Lady Croissant and Some People Have Real Problems CDs, which contains the cutest diddy (that I recently featured as a Jaded Theme Song) called "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine." Right. See what I mean? Love her.

So basically, this post was inspired by her song, "Lentil" off the Lady Croissant album (if you'd like a copy of one or both just let me know and I'll pass it on).

I am officially a mess. My apartment is a mess, my finances are a mess. Even my computer files are a mess. Just MESS to the Nth power. Really.

And I feel terrible because I'm not giving 100% to my babies whilst I'm wallowing in this mess. Yes, wallowing, because I'm hardly doing anything to clean it up. Why not? Who the fuck knows...

In the meantime I feel like I'm letting them down. I feel like I've run out of steam, and where I used to be on top of things with them now I let too many things slide. Like we eat more take-out than we should. And I don't do laundry as often as I should, as you all witnessed from the EIGHT LOADS OF LAUNDRY that had taken over my bedroom. And poor N has gone to school looking like a ragamuffin more times than I care to admit. Not dirty or smelly, but messy.

I come home and chores and homework aren't all the way done and somehow... I can't bring myself to care. They are up til all kinds of ungodly hours and then in the morning, we're all running late and there's no time for breakfast.

I think I'm taking Selfish Mode a little too seriously these days, and something, or someone (I'm not picky) needs to slap the shit out of me with a 5-ton reality stick so I can restart my brain.

Is this what depression feels like? Because me no likey At. All.

*smooches...hoping it's just a case of the Wednesdays*
what? oh, like you don't get all moody on Wednesdays, too... whatever...

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

World Baseball Classic, Anyone?

Considering that it's PMS Week at my house, my kids are getting on my last nerve AND I was not able to get my cajun fries this afternoon (can you believe the Dept. of Health shut down the Popeye's near my job?!) I think last night's show on dealing with toddlers, with Jack as co-host, went pretty well.

Except for the part where BTR shut off on me for no reason... WTH was that about? Damn computers... anyways, feel free to check out the archived segment here, and leave me a comment on the BTR blog. Gracias!!

Now on with the show:

WOO HOO... It's back: The World Baseball Classic!!

Last time I was a bit peeved with Team Dominican Republic, but it's been a couple of years, and just like I forgave Beltran for not scoring in the bottom of the ninth in that last game against Florida in 2007, I forgave my compadres for losing to Cuba in 2006.

In March the first round of games begin; Team DR will be playing The Netherlands in Puerto Rico and I kind of want to go. First off I've always wanted to visit PR and second... Helloooo, McFlyyyy... it's BASEBALL! I have to go down there waving my flag and root root root for my team. Yes, MY team. Team DR.

My beloved Johan Santana is playing in Toronto for Venezuela, unfortunately, because, you know, it's where he's from. But I decided I can see him play all next year at Citifield. So while I love Johan dearly, I will not be rooting for his team in the WBC.

And A-Rod. GRRRR! Only Minaya brings more bile to the back of my throat than when I think of Alex Rodriguez. Yes, he's a great ball player and humanitarian, blah blah, blah but I plumb don't like the dude (to read a more diplomatic post on A-Rod at the WBC, visit Jose Vilson's Blog). But UGH UGH UGH!!! He's decided to play for Team DR. So I have to actually clap for him when he does well. AAACK!!

Whatever, I can't let that come mierda ruin my plans... I want to go to Puerto Rico, with my babies and Papi, watch our team play in the first round, and then maybe take some pictures in Old San Juan.

I suppose the upside to that is that perhaps I'll get to meet Madonna at the stadium...

*smooches...experiencing beisbol fever in December*
So... who's coming with me?!

Monday, December 15, 2008

HOT. GHETTO. MESS. (Revisited)

It was awesome taking a few days off last week- four day weekends ROCK.

However, it's not like I was on the couch in a pair of spandex capris and high healed Candies eating bonbons watching John Cusack movies. Nope. I had some shit to DO.

Like, did I mention I opened my big-ass mouth and decided I wanted to host Christmas? In my lil apartment? Right. So of course, I have to clean it. And some of you are like "Okay, so what's the problem?"

THIS: the problem. Look at that shit! My room is where laundry goes to die. I'm seriously thinking that maybe the apartment isn't that small after all, it's just all this SHIT I have out and about. And don't even get me started about the calls from FEMA that I've been dodging...

I'm so disgusted with myself that I let it get that bad again. I'm telling you, man, this faux-depression has me by the throat for real because I've not been caring about the cleanliness of my apartment for a hot minute now.

But thanks to a few days off, everything is looking much better, namely about FIVE loads of laundry are off my to-do list. And while it's only made a small dent in the disaster zone that is my apartment, the April Fresh Scent that lingers in the air reminds me that slow and steady wins the race.

My apartment will be more than ready to receive guests on the 25th. Stay tuned!

Monday Musings is on like popcorn tonight, and Jack is back, baby! The topic... Child Rearing 101: Our Toddler Just Ate The Remote... And Other Issues.

Basically, we're going to try and help you get through the Terrible Two's, Three's and Four's in the little time we have. Things like discipline, potty training and all that good stuff.

You're probably wondering why I'm qualified to tell you how to handle your kids. Well let me put it like this- I have ZERO patience at all, especially when it comes to kids, but somehow my babies were not mysteriously killed in their sleep at age three. Clearly I know how to handle those little buggers, especially since mine are particularly smart, well-behaved, witty, independent and creative thinkers, so you need to listen to me. Really.

If you have a (soon-to-be) toddler that's driving you up the wall, by all means, tune in!

*smooches...excited to have Jack back on the air*
and did I mention my dear sweet babycakes is in town soon? I may have to lift my alcohol ban for just that one night...

Friday, December 12, 2008

A Case Of Wantin' And Not Gettin': The Renter's Lament

Let me make this clear: as far as apartments go in Brooklyn, my apartment is awesome. Small, but awesome.

It is in a relatively safe neighborhood within a great school district and just minutes to Prospect Park and the Brooklyn Museum... what I affectionately call "The Slums of Park Slope."

My girls love it here; it's quiet (except for the occasional murderous yell from my landlord to/from his wife) and clean (except right now the apartment next door is under construction and there's crap everywhere) and pest-free, which in and of itself makes the place completely enviable.

True, there are some issues: I don't have adequate closet space or a living room area, and the windows are poorly insulated. My floors creak and two of the burners on my stove don't work. The bathroom door doesn't close all the way and the knob on my closet is broken. My sofa is so big that the front door doesn't open all the way and I'm pretty sure that's a fire hazard. We also have no fire escape, but I totally plan on buying one of those escape ladders I've seen at the hardware store because I'm only one story up... if need be I could totally jump and not get hurt. I have escape plans. Trust. You don't talk this much shit about the government and NOT have an exit strategy.

And yes, the babies stay bumping into the walls and the furniture because they have quickly become all legs and arms without the coordination to control them all. Puberty has made them clumsy as all hell. Every time one of them turns the corner, all I hear is "OUCH!" They need more space.

But my apartment is awesome. Really. I can manage the rent just fine (now... this wasn't always the case as you very well know LOL) and the utilities are super low. I like the cozy feel of it and my bedroom is a great size- I can fit a queen-sized bed AND a papasan chair. Heaven.

However... the babies are just getting bigger. Not only are they outgrowing the apartment, they are outgrowing their tiny bedroom and, more importantly, they are outgrowing each other. THEY. NEED. MORE. SPACE.

I say all this as a long-winded way to complain about the 3BR apartment that is available just two houses down from me that I cannot afford because the rent is $1,000 more than I pay now.

I want that apartment almost as much as I want a DPhil from Oxford in English Literature. Almost as much as I want to turn Oprah down when she selects my book for her book club (just to be difficult!). Almost as much as I want to bitch-slap Omar Minaya in a dark alley in Queens.

I want that apartment and am just sick to my stomach that I cannot have it.

*smooches...resolved to spend the weekend throwing tantrums and pouting*
I will also spend the weekend in Queens with my mami whining to her about my apartment woes.

Then on Sunday I'm going to a poetry open mic at the Queens Central Library; if you're in the area, stop on by and listen to me nervously recite some really bad poems!

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Join The Impact

Did you miss my show again?!?! You know, it's getting real hard to forgive you week after week, especially when I bring on all these lovely guest hosts to discuss very current and relevant and just AWESOME issues, like Interracial Dating. So BOOO to you for missing out.

That said, check out the archive of the show on Blog Talk Radio.

And let me tell you, you're really going to be mad you didn't tune in because my girl Muireann does have a wicked awesome British accent. And you missed it. Double BOOO to you.

And now on to the post:

I saw this via a Twitter post by Twanna (Funky Brown Chick) and just had to share.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Please, join the impact... Tomorrow (December 10th)is Day Without A Gay, and while I can't take the day off (because I'm already off on Thursday and Friday... FOUR DAY WEEKEND, BITCHEZZZZZZZ) it tickles me lavender to think of the look on my boss's face if I were to call in "gay."

I do, however, plan on participating in as many of the other forms of protest as I can.

Won't you join me??

*smooches...loving Jack Black as a fat Jesus*
and now, all of a sudden, I'm craving a shrimp cocktail, a Doogie Hauser, MD mini-marathon and some man-on-man porn... who's with me?!

Monday, December 08, 2008

I Only Have One Thing To Tell You Today...

I had the faux-flu so my weekend was kind of low key. Well, not on Twitter, but in general it was low key.

So all I have to say to you today is you need to tune in to Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends because tonight, Muireann, my sister from a white mother and author of the blog Bangs and a Bun is guest hosting my segment on Interracial Dating, and if you love her brand of comedy and mine, you know this segment will not disappoint.

Plus, I can almost guarantee that she has a wicked awesome British accent and I'm all giddy because by 10PM tonight I'll get to hear it. WOO HOO!

Oh, yeah, and we might talk some serious shit for like a minute, too, but I wouldn't count on it.

As usual, the chat room is THE place to be; it's where all the cool kids hang out and pretty much act a fool, but I encourage you all to call in, too. We'd love to hear from you...

Until then....

*smooches...staying on the blogger DL this week*
I don't really have much to talk about right now. Unless... do you want to see pictures of my food baby belly? 'Cause I already sent one to Jack and I have no qualms about sending one to all of you. I'm about 5mos along... it's the cutest belly EVER...

Friday, December 05, 2008

Funny, The Memories A Photo Can Trigger

Since C and I are now buddies on Facebook, I keep seeing these photos he's been posting to his page, including some that feature yours truly.

It's kinda weird to see that; I mean, I know it is only because the babies are in the photos and he likes to show them off like any other proud papa, but eww... I'm in them.

It's a little weird, don't you think?

Well, for me it is... especially when I remember the day each photo was taken- 95% of them were when we were still together, faking the funk for all it was worth. And the new ones make me a bit sad because those are memories my babies are creating, experiencing, etc, without me.

I'm okay, though. I'm okay.

One particular photo, though, really stuck out from the rest, and the memory it solicited was definitely weird for me:

We were separated but not yet legally divorced. There was this slight tension between us because we had "slipped up" the previous November and I'd also gotten the vibe from him that he wanted to keep "slipping up" but I could be getting the sequence of events wrong. That whole summer was a blur.

But the day this picture was taken, K graduated from the 5th grade. C and I were still new at the "splitting up the summer" thing, but knew that he was definitely taking both K&N for the first part of the vacation, so shortly after this photo was taken the babies left for at least three weeks.

And what makes this day stand out is that I remember the fumes from C's Jeep hadn't even dissipated fully when D (the other half of THE BREAK UP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD) showed up at my place. We were in full monogamy mode by this point and I was kid-free, off from work for the rest of the day and eager to do all kinds of dirty things with him.

Our whole relationship was pretty much us finding new ways to violate my mattress. I mean, we went out and talked and stuff, but mostly we made the walls blush.

It was crazy hot on that particular day, and I don't like air conditioning so my place was hotter than hell. In fact, The Devil stopped by but was like, "DAAAAAAYUMMM it's hot in here!!" and stormed out in a huff.

I agreed to buy a window fan and D came with me to get it. Then we stopped by Carvel for a Sundae, drove back to my apartment, put the fan in the window in my bedroom and proceeded to, you know, do it.

Talk about sweaty monkey sex!

Afterwards we ate the shit out of that sundae and took many cold showers, I think (did I mention it was HOT?!?!).

While my babies got their first taste of "splitting their time between mom and dad" before they were able to wrap their heads around the fact that the family they knew was officially over, I was fornicating my non-ass off.

I'm not even sure how to react to that memory. It just crept in there against my wishes and made itself at home. Put its nasty feet up on my couch and snatched the remote. Just pure rudeness.

And now I kind of wish I hadn't seen that photo, especially not on Cs FB page.

*smooches...thinking, I have a million stories like this, but you'll have to wait for the book*
SIKE! I ain't writing no damn book on my boudoir habits, get real!! But there may be a few chapters here and there in my memoirs. I think. lol

meanwhile I still have that window fan, and sometimes on really hot nights, when the girls are with C, I remember why I bought it...

Thursday, December 04, 2008

N Says Big Is Not Always Beautiful

N: Was it me and K who made you fat?
ME: No- I'm fat because I eat too much and don't exercise.
N: Oh but the boobies- that was me and K
ME: Yup.


ME: Actually, big boobies run in the family.
N: (throwing herself on the floor all dramatic n shit) NOOOOOOOOOOO!

*smooches...laughing at my baby's sassy mouth*
she always comes up with new and inventive ways to insult me, but it's all good, tho... just wait til Christmas. Guess who's getting a lump of coal? Mhmm...

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

'Cause We Cool Like That

Can you believe that we had NO CAMERA in the house for Thanksgiving besides my camera phone?

I know, right?!

Well, the USPS was holding my camera hostage (long, boring story), Mari's camera decided to act a fool, and Mami had a disposable with only three shots left.

Yeah, we suck.

I got some cute shots, but thought these five were the cutest:

We're gorgeous, I know, you don't have to say it.

Anyways, on the way home I was reflecting on our tiny celebration and it sort of came to me while crammed into the 5:30PM Bolt Bus: my mom and I are not best friends. There, I said it.

We do not share deep dark secrets and she's the LAST person I turn to when in trouble because we're just not tight like that. But she's cool people- she cracks me up, she is a fountain of knowledge, can cook like no one's business and for the most part, I like her.

So forget my therapist when she tries to get into my head about our non-relationship... what's past is past. Maybe I was wounded over it at one point, but today "it is what it is" and that's that. I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm not going to point fingers, and I hold no resentment in my heart. Truly.

Mami is cool people, and she gave birth to two cool people, one of which has already given birth to two MORE cool people.

Kindred - Stars - Kindred The Family Soul

And collectively, we're the SHIT.

*smooches...imagining all the coolness that is yet to come*
everyday I find I need/want my therapist a little bit less than the day before. I really tried, folks, but maybe head shrinkage just isn't for me...

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Smile! Don't You Know God Loves You?

How did you like the show last night? Did Cathi and I miss any important points? Be sure to visit my BTR Blog if you have some additional comment to get off your chest regarding Dating After Divorce and what we had to say last night. I wasn't able to answer all the questions I saw swimming around the chat room, so now's your chance to ask away.

And now, on to the post:

There are enough bitter, angry people in this world to, well, inhabit this planet.

But I don't have to be one of them.

I came up with this when I casually surveyed all the people around me on the subway... they were all frowning and scowling and just looked all kinds of miserable. Dear Christ on the Cross- is that what I look like, too? I don't want to look like that! I don't want my kids to look like that!

When I noticed all the frowns I became painfully aware of my hands; they were grasping my bag for dear life, clenched around the straps. My jaw, too, was clenched and I could all of a sudden feel the tightness around my mouth. And then I felt it... my scrunched up brow... I was frowning, too, and when I tried to relax my face, unclench my jaw and hands, I couldn't.

What have we become? What have I become? No wonder I get such bad headaches. No wonder my shoulder and neck area is a tangle of knots so deep not even pills can relieve it. No wonder... what ever happened to my smile?

I know this is NYC; I know our rep is to have on our blinders, look straight ahead, avoid eye contact and have on our "I'm Gonna Fuck You Up If You Even THINK Of Talking To Me" face, but OUCH! It hurts to be this tense all the time.

You know, when I first arrived at Alfred, Lord! Talk about culture shock... random strangers would smile and greet me on the street- I almost had to slap somebody! And then I realized: it's a small town with a teeny population and two college campuses full of people who like to party. Why not smile?

But then I came back to NYC on break and made the TERRIBLE MISTAKE of smiling at someone on the subway... yeah, she totally gave me the Gas Face and I had to readjust to civilian life again.

Now, I mean, I've been back for a minute so I'm totally NY again but UGH- does it have to be an ANGRY, FROWNING NY?

Can y'all do me a teeny tiny favor? When you're out and about living your crazy hectic life, can you smile? Not at anyone in particular, but maybe at life? Even if you're in a shitty situation, can you smile? For me? I'll be ever so grateful! Because maybe I'll see you on the street and smile back.

Even a deranged, "I'm about to kill everyone on this bus" smile is better than nothing... at least we can plot together...

*smooches...smiling for you as I type this post*
a weird thing happened on the way to Justine's going away party... I felt so, relieved.

1 down. 42 to go.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Welcome The Fold, Young Grasshoppers...And Other Musings

Tonight on Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends...
You've seen her drunk, you've read my proposal to her and you even read about her lovely four years of couple-dom, now you get to hear from Miss Cathi herself as we talk shit about the ups and downs of Dating After Divorce: Getting Back on the Horse After it Kicked Yo' Ass Out the Stable.

It should be awesome so make sure you tune in. As usual, I'll expect ignorance and buffoonery to be taking place in the chatroom, so you don't want to miss it.

Also, some have complained about the time and effort it takes to create a BTR profile in order to participate in the chatroom, so I advise you all to create one now and get it out of the way... then you never have to think about it again. Easy, Breezy.

And I Know Y'all Missed The Misogyny
So here's my favorite after-blog-break artist: Ludacris!

Even though I LOATHE man-braids, I kinda miss Luda's hair. Is it just me?

Oh, and here's a new addition to my Ghetto Ass Fools playlist:

What can I say? You can take the girl out the ghetto... at least I'm not out in the streets showing my ass. Just here on my blog! *smile*

Welcome To The Fold, Grasshoppers
It was brought to my attention that my blog roll was kind of dusty... true, I haven't updated it in forever, my bad, but I didn't want it to get out of hand by listing the 50-some-odd blogs I read each week.

Instead I'm adding in a teeny handful of them, some of them fellow writers whose gift of words and storytelling I'd like to share with you all, others crazy mo-fos whose blogs are full of shenanigans and tomfoolery. Show them some love when you get a free minute. They may not update every single day, but it's quality over quantity, okay?

And now that my blog roll is looking quite ridiculously long I think that unless one of these listed closes their blog for good I do not have space for anyone new. So don't even ask.

No Man, No Cry
So last week I was all boo-hooing about not having been with a man in ages, blah blah blah, and I apologize for my momentary weakness. It was fueled by a recent friendship that had potential that went KaPut that sort of fucked with my head a bit, bad enough that I almost tried to rekindle shit with Mr. Baseball even though I know good and well that that negro is TOXIC.

Yes, believe it or not, even I can get caught out there from time to time. Listen, it's slim pickins out there, especially when you're divorced, in your 30s and have kids, so sometimes I get a little desperate and think about grabbing whatever comes my way whether or not it's a good fit, because NO ONE wants to be alone, not even this Jaded NYer (man, tonight's radio show segment is RIGHT ON TIME, no?), but I always come out of it with a clear head...

...because I have WONDERFUL people in my corner, lifetime friends who smack me around until I come to my senses, and new friends who offer a kind ear and a distraction from it all. I love you all and I truly don't know how I'd get along everyday without you.

Don't These People Know Who My President Is?
So I wanted to do the whole White House tour while visiting DC this past weekend, but OH MY GOD the loops n hoops n troops you have to jump through to get a tour! You'd think it was the Hope Diamond and not stupid-ass Bush they were holding up in there, SHEESH!

Why can't I just flash my Honorary Black Card and come on in? Doesn't Dubya & Co. know who won the election? I mean, can Laura get my back or something? 'Cause I have a First-Generation Dominican-American Card, too, if that will get me in... c'mon Affirmative Action! Do something for me already!!

*smooches...wondering if they'll let me within 500ft of the White House*
I'm definitely going to try again for next time I visit Mari. I have this deep desire to show my ass over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

"All I Want For Christmas Is You"

Tomorrow is December 1st. Here's my Christmas wish list, what I want from all of you reading this post, in the spirit of the holiday...

> Volunteer at least on Saturday this month to a shelter or soup kitchen or your local library.

> Answer one of those "Dear Santa" letters the U.S. Post Office gets for some random child

> Tell your loved ones how you feel about them, everyday this month. A simple, "I love you" at the end of a conversation will suffice. But make sure you mean it!

> Be good to your body; sit in on a free introductory Yoga class, try a non-meat week, give up soda and coffee for the month, get a massage and facial on a random Wednesday

> Find something positive to say about every day you are on this earth

> Don't bombard people with expensive, store-bought gifts this Christmas; it's really not a measure for love. Unless you're proposing, in which case that ring had better be in a lil blue box or say HARRY WINSTON on the receipt. I'm just sayin...

> Throw that homeless dude a dollar or two; just this once lets assume he'll use it for food and not drugs.

> In fact, buy the homeless dude a meal and a hot chocolate. He IS hungry. Trust.

> Read one thing this month that will help make you a better accountant/teacher/nurse/person- anything, as long as it's going to enrich your life

> Treat yourself to a big ol dessert after dinner. You deserve it. You work hard, why not??

And no need to report back... just let your conscience be your guide.

*smooches...hoping to get as many of these accomplished as I can in 31 days*
and perhaps we'll enjoy it so much we'll make a habit out of it... imagine the great things we can do.

You know Obama is president now, right? You have to do better! lol

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Musical Interlude While I Get My Head On Right

I've had the most craptastic morning imaginable and it ain't even 10:30 AM as I type this... I need a release!

I'm travelling to DC today so I'm not around the internets for at least a couple of days, but I wanted to leave you with my "Get Your Head On Right" playlist.

Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle

No "Get Your Head On Right" playlist is complete without this song. I always play it when I'm feeling shitty.

Ne-Yo - Go On Girl

I just change the lyrics around to suit my gender and VOILA- I feel better!

Modjo - Lady

Oh, man... where's my glo-stick and pacifier?

Bjork - It's Oh So Quiet

I've always wanted to be in this video... it's so fun!

Gloria Estefan - Mi Tierra

When this CD dropped I would GROOOOOVE to this song at our place in Buffalo.

Dee Lite - Groove Is In The Heart

Minnie and I played this to death. Daily. Really.

The Jonas Brothers - 3000

Listen, don't judge me. I have kids. They listen to this crap. And it sticks.

Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No

I think they make such lovely duets... their voices go perfectly together!

Earth, Wind & Fire - September

Had to close it all out with a funky groove, 'cause I love you so!

Enjoy and have a Happy Pilgrims-Came-Stole-Some-Turkeys-And-Killed-Some-Indians-'Cause-They-Could Day!

The Jaded NYer & Family

*smooches...wishing I could just teleport to DC instead of taking this dang bus*
And try not to overeat, or I will make fun of your big ol belly. Pregnant bellies and new mommies get a free pass...

Are Men Like Real Estate?

So on the heels of yesterdays TMI post about my coochie cobwebs (I'm totally taking ownership of that phrase... I'm NOT afraid of spiders AT. ALL.), here's a sort of part two to all that.

It hit me walking back to my office from the library as I ignored the icky looking dude walking towards me who looked ready to utter an "Excuse me, miss" or some such nonsense- I'm never going to find the perfect man. I'm never going to find the one with all the components in place that I am looking for- aesthetics, intelligence, street smarts, pleasant/tolerable demeanor and most importantly, maturity.

Then I remembered that while Celia was taking me on a mini tour of her new place in the Keys, she pointed out that the Master Bedroom was not as big as she'd like it to be but it has it's own separate bathroom, so it's a trade off... and that when dealing with real estate, you can't always get what everything you want.

Isn't it the same with a mate?

12Kyle recently wrote a post asking what kind of people do we attract, and my response was:

You want to know who I attract?

The dregs of the dregs of the dregs of society. Hence why I'm still single.

Find the biggest loser in any situation and I GUARANTEE he's making googly eyes at me.

Very rare is the gem that comes my way, and when he does I barely notice because I'm so used to the dregs, so I end up treating him poorly.

c'est la vie

It never fails- the dude will be smart and witty but FUGLY as all hell and have questionable homosexual tendencies and/or mannerisms.

Or he'll he really cute with an AWESOME body that just makes you quiver from head to toe but will have the intelligence of a box of erasers.

Or he'll be good looking and smart and tall and have that body that OOH you just wanna slap his momma for birthing such an Adonis and then KA-BLAM- he opens his mouth and he's a total jackass.

See, when I would think of my dream house I would say- I want a wrap-around porch, and I want a beautifully finished attic to use as my personal writing room and a lush yard with a vegetable and herb garden and an in-ground pool and bay windows in the Master Suite, an old Victorian or something, and then I remember- I don't want to leave NYC... so I needed to compromise on my dream home just a tad. Like I may have to settle for an attached brownstone with no attic and a shady basement, a 2'X4' cement yard and membership at the Y so I can swim on weekends.

But do I really have to compromise on a man in the same fashion? Can't he please be a grown-up and not play games (or Xbox)? Tall? Smart, with at least a Bachelor's Degree from an accredited University? Can he not be a total jerk-off or mama's boy, and can he know his way around with needing me to hold his hand? And can he please be sterile and/or allergic to babies? And know how to dance in and out of bed, so I don't have to supplement his wack-ass love-making with reruns of Soul Food or internet porn?

And please please please, for the love of Buddha- can he be LOCAL?!?! Not from Jersey or Philly or other outer limits... if I can't get to him using the NYC MTA, I don't want to even answer his phone calls! I'm not hopping on the light rail NOR am I getting on the Metro North for NO ONE. Not anymore. I've been there and it just doesn't work. And EWWW- who wants to go all the way to freakin JERSEY CITY for some dick? I don't care if you DO have a massage table- your bed is a futon! Stop calling me...

I'm willing to deal with a brownstone off of Flatbush Avenue or even Parkside, because I'm not afraid of the 'hood and sheeeee-it- in NYC a brownstone is a brownstone, right? My only requirement at this point is that it be in move-in condition. No fixer-uppers, please! I don't want to repair, adjust or refinish ANYTHING.

Same thing with a potential mate. You have issues? Here's a tissue... take your ass to therapy, okay? If I can do it, anyone can.

The next guy I let in? Nah, I cannot compromise. Will not compromise. Even if it means I sail into retirement solo, with only my John Cusack DVDs and Fiestaware collection to keep me company...

Call me greedy, selfish, stuck-up, WHATEVER, just don't call me if you don't make the cut. I know me, I know what will make me happy, and I will know him when I see him, hold him, look up into his eyes with my third eye and, with my Orishas looking out for me, most definitely will know it when he kisses me.

*smooches...just tired of the bullshit and determined not to settle*
and you can thank that gross semi-homeless dude smoking a nasty-ass cigarette who hit on me in the street for this rare relationship post for the second day in a row... I'm not trying to dog dudes or anything- y'all know I love you like Palin loves guns- but UGH! A girl can only take so much before she becomes unhinged!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

This Is The Result Of Self-Imposed Celibacy

The show last night was hella-cool, y'all... check out the archived segment and make sure you're there next week, Okay, cuz we STAY having fun on BTR...

And now the post:

All things carnal have been on the forefront of my mind lately... I know I never talk about this shit over here but AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! A girl can only take so much before an entire F-train car of commuters are found stabbed in the throat by my wine key. I'm just sayin...

When I'm grocery shopping, doing laundry, commuting to work, reading a damn book, watching old B&W movies- all of a sudden, everything reminds me of sex.

It also doesn't help that most of the songs in my iTunes library have sexual undertones... what the FUCK, iTunes?! You know my situation... can you just CHILL with that mess already?

I almost even took it a step too far- a "dinner date" with Mr. Baseball, but thank the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty (you like how I bring out the "lord" randomly, knowing full well me n him ain't friends?) that he had a family emergency in SoCal and had to go out of town. Bullet. Dodged. Until he returns to NYC, that is.

Did I mention he plays baseball? And is damn near 40 but has a body that won't stop? Did I mention that? Even though his attitude is ten trillion times STANKER than mine and I SWORE to myself that I'd NEVER speak to him again? No? Well, I'm mentioning it now. Because D-A-M-N his body. won't. quit. And I think it was barely my birthday the last time I saw a real-live penis.

Bare with me, y'all. I think I'm having a hot flash... is it time for menopause already?

And the weather this weekend helped, too; kept my ass indoors where instead of participating in some sober, sweaty monkey sex with some random loser from Bembe, I discovered that those magic eraser sponges are the SHIZNIT!!! Yo- my cabinets have NEVER looked better.

(Ay, yo, Mari- tell Rene's woman que me mande mas de esas esponjitas... I gots LOTS more scrubbing to do!)

But honestly, with lots o' talk of STDs and HIV buzzing around me lately, coupled by the fact that I recently watched Philadelphia AND the episode of 90210 when that young woman speaks to Brenda's health class about how she got AIDS at 16 by having unprotected sex with some Law Student loser, when I even THINK of sleeping with someone, FOR REAL, all I keep thinking is: "Where are your papers? Hand them over... Matter fact, let's have our first date at the clinic, mmkay?"

Besides, call me crazy, but I don't think I want meaningless sex anymore, no more FWBs or swinger party invites or casual hook-ups; I'm just not into it anymore. Unless you're my man it AIN'T gonna happen, and funny thing? I'm not ready for a man.

See the problem here? Yeah, me, too.

So, yeah, I'll be chillin here in the cut for the time being, eating my feelings and keeping myself busy with projects and babies and books and floor scrubbing... just me and my coochie cobwebs... because we all know about idle hands and shit. That's how K got here...

*smooches...wondering if I can break my own record and make it to a year*
would I get a prize if I go a year? 'Cause I like prizes... and can my prize be a penis?

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Landlord Thinks I Need A Boyfriend...And Other Musings

Aaaaand We're BACK!!
Yeah, yeah, Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends is back, tonight, at 10PM EST.

This week, The F$%k It List will guest host as we go through the items that made the headlines in November. Like, didn't we have an election or something this month? I can't remember...

Anywayz... This was supposed to be an ongoing segment at the end of every month, but I'm just getting around to it.

Don't look at me like that...

Back To The Gym I Go
I took a pause from my health kick; just a recent bout of depression that I've been trying to get over. Justine's ousting helped a little bit, but there are still other Voices that need to be evicted.

I was told that the endorphins released during exercise help elevate your mood. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and scrubbing and doing all kinds of domestic crap around the house, so there may be something to that endorphins thing.

Besides, I'm getting tired of being offered a seat on the subway because people think I'm "in a family way."

Okay, maybe that never happened, but it totally could!

By The Way...
My hair? Yeah, it's STILL the hotness...

Wipe that drool off your chin, fellas... I've been wearing the same PJs since Saturday afternoon...

Some Music I've Had On Repeat Lately
I bought a used iPod from eBay and it has really helped my mood on the subway A LOT. Some of the songs I repeat three or four times when they come on are:

This one because, well, my love life is on the SERIOUS rocks, like for real, as in tumbleweeds and ghost towns and whatnot. But this song reminds me that it could be worse... I could be stuck in ANOTHER bad relationship that I don't know how to get out of.

"Baby believe me, if I stay it ain't gonna be easy..."
Love On The Rocks - Sara Bareilles

And this one reminds me that when I DO find me a cutie pie, this is how I want him. Listen to these racy ass'd lyrics... can you believe Miss Horne was singing this mess? HOT!!

"Unless I feel the ceiling caving, how will I know we're misbehavin'...!"
Come On Strong - Lena Horne

And THIS one, because there's a teeny, tiny droplet of THUG inside this good (recovering) Catholic girl... I rock out to this whenever an old white lady sits next to me on the train, daring her to complain about the volume so I can bust out with, "Don't you know Obama is PRESIDENT? I can do whatever I want!"

"Haters are scandalous, damn, can't a ni**a just breathe?"
Breathe - Nas

My Landlord Thinks I Need A Boyfriend
So, you know how my landlord is renovating the apartment next door, right? Well, when they were knocking down walls they kinda knocked a few holes THROUGH my walls and I brought it to his attention.

His response?

"Yes, I know, I will fix. Maybe you go away on a vacation and I fix up your apartment like next door, yes? Get a boyfriend to take you on vacation."


Is he trying to insinuate that I spend way too much time in my apartment in my flannel pajamas ordering takeout, watching old movies on my computer and reading books while laid out on the couch? And that perhaps some MAN can just swoop in and change all that?

Sure, Mr. B., that's what I'll do- I'll just wave my magic wand and click my heels three times and wrinkle my nose and blink me up a man JUST LIKE THAT who will wisk me away on a fabulous vacation somewhere that isn't my sofa. Just. Like. That.

So I said, "Yeah, sure, you can fix the walls and then find me a boyfriend while you're at it."

And HE said, "No, YOU find a boyfriend."

I felt like someone slapped me across the face! Why I've NEVER...!

*smooches...wondering how long I've been the butt of his jokes because I don't have a man*
I bet they're downstairs RIGHT NOW laughing about the fact that I've been holed up in my apartment all weekend... AND? It's COLD outside, dammit!

(at least, that's my excuse this weekend...)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

She's No Josie...

...but Maria hooked me up:

And a big shout out to Glenny who did my color; now I am ME again:

A nice, brunette ME.

PS... guess what else? I let this dude at Sephora talk me into buying nail polish when all I went in there for was some Smith's Rosebud Salve and some Brambleberry Rose Lip Balm (thanks for the recommendation, Lani!). He said it was the hottest new color this fall, Metro Chic:

It looks like wet City cement to me... I kinda like it. Am I crazy?

*smooches...with my hair back to normal and ready for the holidays*
and sorry my hair is in that bun, but I didn't want to take it down. I'm trying to preserve the curl LOL

but don't my bangs look like the hotness? Boys, beware- my bangs are on the prowl...

Friday, November 21, 2008

JOSIE RETIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am in mourning. Inconsolable. Actually crying at my desk this very minute, and if you think I'm joking then you don't know me very well.

Josie, my hairstylist for the past ten years, retired. As in she's not doing hair anymore. At all.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

And before you start with the "find someone else" bullshit... DON'T!

When Mami first told me to go to Josie to get my hair done for my cousin Maribel's wedding, Josie took one look at my chin length and damaged hair and asked, "Why do you get your hair chemically relaxed?" My response was, "I just always have." And she said, "Well, keep coming to me and I'll show you that you don't need it, just a shampoo and a deep conditioner. You'll see."

Ten years later... well, you've seen my hair- it's long and healthy and beautiful and chemical free since 1998, all because Josie cared more about the health and beauty of my hair than she did about charging me for an expensive and unnecessary treatment. I got my hair done for less than $30 every time (not including costs for the dye jobs, of course). EVERY time, even when the economy was ass.

After that first visit, no matter how far away I lived from her salon (which was located in The Heights, of course, by the GW Bridge) and despite the fact that going to Josie meant I'd be in the salon for a minimum of FIVE HOURS, I went to see her every 4 to 6 months for a deep conditioning, color, trim, whatever... she always advised me on great styles and products and colors that matched my lifestyle and skin tone and hair texture... she actually cared, you know what I mean? oh my god, I can't stop crying... what am I going to do now?

The woman who answered the phone was all like, "Maria is still here, and Rita and BLAH BLAH BLAH" LIKE I CARE!!! None of them could tame my hair like Josie. NONE OF THEM. Maria maybe, but she's told me in the past- she doesn't like dealing with natural hair and prefers to deal with relaxed hair. Plus she likes to overcharge for shit (right, Minnie?!?!). I can't trust her to care for my hair like Josie did.

And I just know that other Dominican salons are not going to want to deal with my hair without a relaxer, and I know this because the few times I've had to see a different stylist, they all complain about "how much" hair I have and that it would take less time to style it if it was relaxed. You know how Dominican women can be sometimes... And Black salons don't use rolos and like to use hot irons and hair grease and the such on my hair, which Josie always advised against.

I'm seriously in a funk right now and the tears won't stop. I'm distraught. My appetite is even gone, that's how depressed I am. Meanwhile, I'm in desperate need of a deep conditioning, color and trim because this red coloring is seriously growing out and my roots are out of control and I wanted to go back to my natural dark brown.

I'm just... ugh... what am I going to do now???

*no smooches...because my hair will never be the same again"
I feel like a family member died... I can't even think straight...

Jaded Book Giveaway No. 2

To date, I have received THREE BOXES O' BOOKS from Miss Kelly and have had to restrain myself from shrieking with glee whenever K called to say, "Mommy, another box came from your friend... can I open it?!?!"

We LOVE books in my house...

But, alas, my apartment, as I've mentioned before, is approximately 2'X4' so I cannot house all of these lovely literary orphans. And since I promised Kelly that I would pay her kindness forward, I'm doing another Book Giveaway.

But might I add before we continue... if you WIN you MUST claim the prize?! The last winner never bothered to, so I just gave the book to the library instead.

This contest will be the same as the last: Below you will find a passage from a great literary work. Be the first to correctly identify the book and its author and you will win these bad boys right here:

And now, for the classic:

The shark swung over and the old man saw his eye was not alive and then he swung over once again, wrapping himself in two loops of the rope. The old man knew that he was dead but the shark would not accept it. Then, on his back, with his tail lashing and his jaws clicking, the shark plowed over the water as a speed-boat does. The water was white where his tail beat it and three-quarters of his body was clear above the water when the rope came taut, shivered, and then snapped. The shark lay quietly for a little while on the surface and the old man watched him. Then he went down very slowly.

So... do you know it??

*smooches...reading my way through three boxes o' books*
membership has its privileges...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Milk Crate of WHAT? UGH!!!!!!

What the hell was I thinking when I signed up for this retarded online NaNoWriMo challenge?

Oh, yeah, now I remember... I was thinking I'm almost 35, why not attempt to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days and have a heart attack followed by a couple of nervous breakdowns? Who wants to live a peaceful life anyways? Not I!

I know what you're thinking- I should have kept this project to myself, like I've been doing with the others, but don't worry, the santos are helping me keep the Haters and Doubters at bay, and TRUST that it is not cheap keeping those cabrones in fresh fruit and rum and goats! I had to cancel "Take Out Fridays" at my house just to pay the tributes.

But back to my non-novel.

It's not the Haters & Doubters that put the kibbosh on my plans... it's me- I don't know how to just sit and write the damn thing.

The challenge specifies that I need to shut the inner editor up and just write- the novel doesn't have to be genius it just has to be 50,000 words. Once it's done THEN I can go back and make it good.

SAY WHAT?!?! That goes against the very nature of my existence. My inner editor (I started calling her Puta Face Jr. sometime around '06) is the loudest, most impertinent, RUDEST BITCH you will ever meet, and she will not be hushed. Because of her, it takes me like 4 to 5 hours just to write a stinky little blog post. Some of these mo-fos are written MONTHS in advance just to keep her satisfied, and even then, if she sees a typo OMG... sometimes, I'm afraid for my very life and end up having to hide all of my blunt objects and cutlery...

Basically I have the idea for the novel in my head. I know the characters and what they're about and where I think I want to take them. Kind of. And I know the story I want to tell, the events I want the characters to experience and all that mess. But, for the life of me, I cannot seem to get from point A to point P and finally to point Z in 50,000 words of expository writing, dialogue, details, etc without caring about accuracy or quality or correct grammar and just concentrating on word count... PF Jr. is having NONE OF IT!!!!!!!!!!


She wants to use only the Rolls Royce of words and phrases, and she is insisting that the details be dead-on and researched thoroughly, and yesterday, I spelled the main character's name with an "I" instead of an "E" by mistake and... and... she bitch slapped me...


I'm hella stressed y'all! I've only ever written short stories, and they're good and all, but I write them because my attention span is that of a three-year-old! Can I sustain this interest in the challenge long enough to finish? I don't want to quit, I really don't. I've already abandoned my Tango lessons midway, I don't want the same to happen with this novel.

And right when I was thinking of just taking a different, longer piece I already had written and building on that, I got this stupid "Week Two Pep Talk" email from Meg Cabot (Author of The Princess Diaries) through NaNoWriMo that read:

I know what you’re doing. You’re thinking about cheating, aren’t you?

That shit FREAKED ME THE FUCK OUT!!! How the hell did she know???????? She went on to write:

Do you think I haven’t been there? Cheating on your current work-in-progress with a new one is the oldest trick in the book! I have a plastic milk crate crammed full of stories I started and never finished because I cheated on them, then got so enamored of my new story, I never went back to the old one. Over and over and over again...

...whatever you do, don’t let it end up in the Milk Crate of Shame.

Dammit, Meg, get out of my BRAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

*sobs heartily*

I don't know if I have it in me to finish the challenge this time around. Maybe I just had too many things on my plate. Maybe it's not my time, who the fuck knows at this point. Only time will tell... As of this post I only have 3,338 words written with 10 days left before the deadline.

Jesus take the wheel 'cause I ain't got no damn license. And I seem to have lost my grasp of the English language, too...

*smooches...all of a sudden at a loss for words*
you think maybe I should cheat anyway and just take a bunch of blog posts and turn it into a novel?? HUH?? CAN I?!?!