Friday, December 19, 2008

The No Mas List of 2008: 10 Latinos Who Need To Give It Up Already

I take no pleasure in calling out my own people, mi gente, mi familia, but I believe in tough love. It's the only way some people will listen.

And so I present to you 10 Latinos with whom I've had it up to "here" already. Can't they just go somewhere?!?!

10- Charytin Goyco. Are you kidding me with your implants and gaudi dresses and inappropriate dance moves? Aren't you like 70? No mas for you... you're grossing me out...

9- Maria Conchita Alonzo. Just the sound of your voice raises the hairs on the back of my neck. Can't you just live off the royalties from Moscow on the Hudson and just disappear? No mas for you... your middle name is pretentious and fake.

8- Don Francisco. Please please please stop airing Sabado Gigante. It is truly vomit-inducing to think about you on stage with those scantily clad "dancers" every week. No mas for you, dirty grampa.

7- Mario Lopez. After all those leaps and bounds you did on Saved By the Bell, you couldn't even pull off Dancing with the Stars. You embarrass me! No mas for you... go back to Bayside.

6- George Lopez. There's nothing worse than when someone starts to believe their own hype, and they're not even relevant anymore. Your show had promise and then it didn't. No mas for you... your head is too big, anyway.

5- Jessica Alba & Zoe Saldana. Alba, for the simple fact that you don't even want to be called Latina, and Saldana, for swearing up and down that you're black instead of an Afro-Latina. BOOOO to both of you because we're fucking AWESOME. No mas for you... 'cause we didn't want you anyway.

4- Omar "Rat Bastard, Come Mierda" Minaya. You could not manage a team out of a paper bag. I'm surprised the Mets get as far as they do each year with your sorry ass at the helm. Don't let me corner you in a dark alley. No mas for you... I'd like to see another Mets World Series win in my lifetime.

3- Columba Garnica Gallo Bush. That's right, I put your full damn name out there, 'cause shame on you for marrying into this shady ass family. You know your husband helped his brother steal the 2000 election, right? And did you speak up when they started with this anti-immigrant campaign? No mas for you... for selling us out.

2- Oscar De La Hoya. You was a damn idiot for agreeing to that fight, for real. The shelf life for an athlete, especially a boxer, is very short but noooo. You just HAD TO push it. And now you're the punchline to many, many jokes. No mas for you... Roberto Duran told me to tell you so.

1- Fidel Castro. DAYUM I ain't never seen someone hold onto life this vigorously since Bob Hope. Are you even still alive, I wonder? No mas for you... I'd like to visit Cuba before I die.

*smooches...sad that I had to let some people go*
hopefully I will not have to repeat this list in '09