Wednesday, December 17, 2008

"...I'm Trying Not To Fall Apart..."

First let me say that lately I've been 100% obsessed with Australian singer Sia, and J recently sent me both her Lady Croissant and Some People Have Real Problems CDs, which contains the cutest diddy (that I recently featured as a Jaded Theme Song) called "The Girl You Lost to Cocaine." Right. See what I mean? Love her.

So basically, this post was inspired by her song, "Lentil" off the Lady Croissant album (if you'd like a copy of one or both just let me know and I'll pass it on).

I am officially a mess. My apartment is a mess, my finances are a mess. Even my computer files are a mess. Just MESS to the Nth power. Really.

And I feel terrible because I'm not giving 100% to my babies whilst I'm wallowing in this mess. Yes, wallowing, because I'm hardly doing anything to clean it up. Why not? Who the fuck knows...

In the meantime I feel like I'm letting them down. I feel like I've run out of steam, and where I used to be on top of things with them now I let too many things slide. Like we eat more take-out than we should. And I don't do laundry as often as I should, as you all witnessed from the EIGHT LOADS OF LAUNDRY that had taken over my bedroom. And poor N has gone to school looking like a ragamuffin more times than I care to admit. Not dirty or smelly, but messy.

I come home and chores and homework aren't all the way done and somehow... I can't bring myself to care. They are up til all kinds of ungodly hours and then in the morning, we're all running late and there's no time for breakfast.

I think I'm taking Selfish Mode a little too seriously these days, and something, or someone (I'm not picky) needs to slap the shit out of me with a 5-ton reality stick so I can restart my brain.

Is this what depression feels like? Because me no likey At. All.

*smooches...hoping it's just a case of the Wednesdays*
what? oh, like you don't get all moody on Wednesdays, too... whatever...