Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Keyboard Courage: A Cure Is Here!

I love blogging! I truly enjoy sharing my life and opinions and photos with the internets and getting to connect with my friends, family and complete strangers around the world. It tickles me to no end. There is, however, a downside to opening yourself up to so much scrutiny. While the blogging community has been awesome to me and my site, so many others have fallen victim to the trolls who are overcome with a serious case of Keyboard Courage.

While afflicted with this terrible disease, comment trolls cannot help but pour out the misery of their own lives onto the blogs of perfectly lovely people. Like my girl Bangsy, who was told to "kill herself" by an overzealous Madonna fan or the homie Smarty who was scolded for "judging" Bishop Eddie Long John Silver. Most recently I saw it on a very innocent and quaint site I've been frequenting lately, the Adulting Blog, when the author suggested that adults shouldn't decorate their apartments like dorm rooms by hanging up erotic pictures. People really got all their panties in millions of bunches at this, and I can only imagine what manner of auto body shop, naked girl calendar photos and Shemar Moore posters are hanging all over the basements these folks are "renting" from their mommas.

The good news is there's a cure. YES! Tell all the trolls you know that they don't have to spread their evil, immaturity and stupidity anymore because Keyboard Courage is no longer something they must suffer from. All they need is:

Because really, do people have NOTHING else going on in their lives that they have to go on someone's blog and, instead of politely disagreeing with whatever was posted they tell the author to DIE? REALLY? I have to die because I think Nickelback is a sucky band or have not been seduced by Steve Jobs and his iTools of the devil? Surely there's a straitjacket with your name on it somewhere if you can't conduct yourself with some decorum in society- on- and offline!

I've been lucky; I've not a had a troll on these pages in ::thinks:: hmm, never, and I hope I don't ever encounter one, but at least I know if I do, I can offer them some help.

*smooches...hoping to save lives with this post*
no one has to die over a Madonna disagreement. Never again!

Monday, January 30, 2012

World Book Night!

Taken from the World Book Night website:

We need book-loving volunteers to fan out across America on April 23, 2012! Just take 20 free copies of a book to a location in your community, and you just might change someone's life. Please sign up by Feb. 1.

The goal is to give books to new readers, to encourage reading, to share your passion for a great book. The entire publishing, bookstore, library, author, printing, and paper community is behind this effort with donated services and time.

I signed up to hand out copies of "The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao" by Pulitzer Prize-winning DOMINICAN author, Junot Diaz, over by Atlantic Terminal in Brooklyn. It's a crazy-busy place and I'm actually a little afraid of having to stand out there and hand out books to people who might look at me like I'm crazy, but I've been talking about wanting to be involved in some sort of literacy outreach program and here it is: My big chance to give back. Anyone care to join me?

Click here to apply!

Thanks to Kelly for posting this on Facebook!

*smooches...really putting my money where my mouth is*
I have so much and I really do take it for granted. It's beyond time I do more for my community. BEYOND time!

Friday, January 27, 2012

"It Was All A Dream..."

Just the other day, I had what I consider a premonition dream about winning an Oscar for my original screenplay. It was so vivid that when I came to I was smiling and reaching around for my award, only to find I was not on a stage. So what you're about to read is what I wrote as soon as I woke up, edited for grammar and spelling, and filled in with details I remembered later or added because it sounds nice.

I'm sitting in the audience with Mari, my producer and some of the cast members. While Rita-freakin-Moreno is on stage reading the list of nominees on screen is a shot of all five of us. I look into the camera that's in my face and I do one of these:

Then...Rita calls my name. MY. NAME! All of a sudden I'm overcome with emotions- everything I've worked toward and here's my reward: an Oscar for my kick-ass storytelling abilities. I walk up to the stage with my face in my hands because of course I'm crying Thug Tears at this point. Oh, and I'm wearing a dress similar to this Halson beauty:

Halston gownSo I get to the mic and listen- I'm sure I had the best intentions of being classy and dignified and all that, but even in my subconscious mind I'm ratchet and inappropriate. I look at Rita and tell her how much I love her and ask if I can hug her. Right. Then I go to the mic and say, "WHERE BROOKLYN AT?!?!" and after the crowd of Brooklynites that were sprinkled throughout the audience dies down I add, "Rita Moreno just gave me my first Oscar. There's nothing more to say!" and then I walk off. I don't thank anyone or anything.

THEN I'm escorted to the little press room, where a bunch of reporters are all in my face with the "How does it feel?" and "Did you know you were going to win?" questions. One asks about my hugging Rita Moreno and I get indignant. "Don't you know who she is? Don't front like you don't know Tuptim and Carmela and Anita and Sister-fuckin-Peter Marie from OZ. I know y'all bitches AT LEAST watched OZ, right?!"

And then it got worse. Someone asked why people from Brooklyn always shout out the borough, to which I replied "Because Brooklyn is the shit and we're proud to be from there." Another reporter quickly followed up with "So do you know Spike Lee?" and CHIIIILLLLDDDDD...I shot her the evil-death-stank-eye and retorted "Right, because we all know each other? Bitch, sit down!"

After an awkward pause someone asks when my next film comes out and I reply that I'm really busy writing for my hit NBC comedy (shut up it's MY dream!) and that I have a new book coming out so the movie stuff is on the back burner for now. So the guy next to that reporter gets this snarky-ass look on his face and says, "A book? What kind of book are YOU writing?" like I didn't just win a major prize for writing and shit. So I invoked the power of Tina Fey/Liz Lemon and said, "Your mom. I'm writing a book about your mom and all her lesbian affairs." Then I left that room because how do you come back from that?

Folks, I wish that was where my dream ended but it's not. I continued The Jaded Ratchet Tour the next day on The View. During our live chat, my age came up and the ladies couldn't believe I was 39 (YES. I'm winning the Oscar in TWO YEARS!) and Elizabeth innocently says, "There's no way you're 39!" And my thug ass replies, "What- you want to see my birth certificate? It's not like I'm running for president..."

Basically, it was the sweetest of dreams for me but honestly, a publicist's nightmare. Can't wait!

*smooches...looking through my notes to find the winning script*
this needs to be written and sold YESTERDAY If I'm gonna win the Oscar at 39!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Re-Learning How To Eat: A Healthy Jaded Update

So, you're all familiar with my food issues, right? (If not, click here for a summary of it.) Well those issues are harder to fix than a motherfucker! Just when I think I've licked them, BAM! It's PMS Week and I'm plotting ways to break into McDonald's at 3:00AM to make myself a trough of fries. The only reason I haven't executed my most awesome B&E plan is because I'm afraid of going to jail. I'm too pretty for jail. Not even my PMS is strong enough to make me risk my freedom!

But I digress...

When I have these weak moments I get serious bouts of disappointment and depression weighing heavily on my mind. And that leads to dangerous conversations with The Voices: OK, Raquel. You just ate a salami and cheese sandwich at 2AM and that's not good, in particular because you don't eat pork and you're supposed to be weaning off bread and dairy! What's going to happen is this- after your bowels are done punishing you for ingesting all of those nitrites and by-products, you will not be allowed to eat anything but grilled chicken, veggies and salad. That's it! Nothing else for you! YOU'VE BEEN A BAD GIRL AND I HATE YOU I WISH YOU WERE DEAD YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE WHY DO YOU SABOTAGE ALL OF MY EFFORTS I'M DOING THIS FOR US WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!

And then I proceed to make another salami and cheese sandwich, along with some chips and possible a frozen waffle or two. Clearly this is Reason Number One And Only why I should go to bed earlier- if for nothing else (rest? who needs rest? rest is for suckers!) I need to be in bed before 11PM to curb my eating.

The problem here is my emotions are so tied to food, and it's been this way forever, so it's a hard habit to break. I suppose I can, on some level, understand drug addicts. I know that devouring a box of Reese's Pieces a day is killing me slow. But I'm not armed with the mechanism to find an alternate way to appease my anxiety. Not just yet. I'm looking for it, trust me, but it continues to be a struggle.

I suppose the only thing to do at this point is re-train my emotional and physical self to deal with food responsibly: eat only when hungry; have a reasonable portion; stick to fresh, nutritious whole foods. But I've yet to become the kind of person that can dive into a new lifestyle 100% without looking back and sampling the naughty bits. Especially because those naughty bits tend to trigger memories that comfort me.

Then, of course, once I slip my Catholic Guilt acts up and I'm compelled to pray a rosary for my intestines.

My poor, poor intestines. May god have mercy on their soul.

*smooches...dreaming of deep-fried things*
you know the kind that's cooked in week-old grease? Mmmmm, delicious!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Today I Will (1/25/12)

(The history behind these activities can be found here, and if you click here you will see all the previous posts I wrote on them. Thank you to Irene for having the forethought to buy me this book for blog material.)

Activity #12: Today I will commit a random act of kindness.

You ever get home and find you're missing a glove or scarf, and just KNOW someone saw you leave that shit behind and chose to say nothing? Ever think, "Would it have killed someone to yell out 'Hey, your glove fell!' real quick?" A simple phrase could have made someone's day and kept them warm, because it shows that as a society, we still care about whether or not our fellow man has warm hands this winter. Get what I'm saying?

"You might compliment a stranger, help someone with a flat tire, or offer to assist a neighbor with a home-improvement project. Committing Random Acts of Kindness will help you feel energized, positive, and uplifted."

Get you some!

*smooches...hoping we're kind all the time anyway*
although I don't know about y'all sometimes ::side eye::

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sin Miedo

I don't know if y'all were all aware that Mari started a new blog. She doesn't post as often as I do (nobody's as crazy as I am with this blogging schedule) but what she does post is pretty meaningful. One post in particular introduced me to the One Word Challenge, where one selects a word they will embody for the whole year. Mari is choosing to SHINE this year and I am behind her 100%. She deserves a huge spotlight on all of the awesome things she's accomplished, the encouragement she offers and the size of her heart.

Me? This year I choose to be FEARLESS.

I will keep going to yoga even though I'm scared to death of the wall-assisted half-handstand, and I will master that bitch. I will go to the gym and try that TRX resistance strand boot camp class. Sometime this spring I will begin CrossFit. I will walk away from my conventional diet and embrace the Paleo lifestyle as close to 100% as possible in this modern world w/my limited financial resources.

I will write my family's biography- even the Penzos- as well as that Spanish novel that's dancing around my head. I will finish all the projects on my TO DO list, if not this year then the next. They will all get done and I won't stop until that happens. I will read in public and not only in the comfort of my own events. I will branch out and read aloud at unfamiliar venues for unfamiliar crowds.

I will speak my mind when I need to and not let things boil inside my throat until I implode. And even if my opinion differs from everyone around me, I will say what needs to be said.

I won't let The Voices scare me into backing down.

This year I choose to be fearless. This year I won't just repeat Ani's lyrics in my head as a mantra, I will scream it from everywhere as loud as possible, until everyone knows it to be true.


seriously, ani is the only Blanc I'll give a pass to on the White Dreads. everyone else, NO BUENO.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I Made A Bet

So the Giants and the Patriots are all REEEE-MATCH for the Super Bowl on February 5th, and as many of you know, I have much family up in the Boston area so we're a bit divided on this game. But it's always fun to send them stank messages of "Your team sucks" or "We're gonna kick your ass" whenever I can, especially because the Mets don't play the Red Sox during the regular season. This is the only time a little friendly competition can occur between us.

This afternoon I decided to send Nina a little reminder of the fact that THE GIANTS RULE AND THE PATRIOTS DROOL and sweetened it all with a friendly wager. If Eli gets some act right and brings it home, Nina has to come to NYC and go rock wall climbing with me all day. If the Patriots catch a lucky break and win, I have to go to Massachusetts to... SKI! I almost died when she chose that activity, because y'all already know I don't partake of activities where my two feet aren't planted firmly on solid ground or something like it. And I hate to fall. I'll do anything not to fall. Falling is one of my biggest phobias. Falling leads to broken bones. Broken bones means pain and doctors and hospital stays and OPERATIONS.

But I'm no punk. And also, the Giants are going to win so whatever.


*smooches...wishing I had learned from the last bet I made*
damn Buffalo Bills from hell. I will forever hate them...

Friday, January 20, 2012

Fighting The Obstacles: A Healthy Jaded Update

This fitness journey has been everything BUT easy, you hear me? I've been injured, battled The Voices and their manic depression, barely survived holiday eating and frankly, did it all without my old friend, WHISKEY. For that alone I deserve to just wake up 100% healthy and thinner and toned. But since I know that's not how it works, I continue to fight on.

Most recently I'm dealing with N's academic woes and the fact that she may be suffering from some serious focus issues in the classroom and during homework time. Once again, I have to play warden, which in turn cuts into my workout times. ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN. It's enough to make me want to fall to my knees and pray to McDonald's to put me out of my stressful misery.

Hi, I'm Raquel, and I'm an emotional eater.

With everything pressing on my mind I just want to go into carb overload. Right now I'm thinking about how sweet it would be if I had a tube of Pringles. And I'd wash that down with a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. And then make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then washing it all down with milk. Did I mention that I gave up dairy? No whiskey and no tall glasses of milk. Sometimes I wonder how I'm able to go on living.

Luckily I have a great support system that won't let me go back to my fast-food ways and I love them for it immensely. With their encouragement and loving push, I will continue to fight the good fight. Also, I'm a member at a gym these days. Yes, me, at a gym. It was time to step it up a notch and diversify my workouts. My yoga classes are great, but I need something else, something with more pizazz and UMPH.

I'm so close to my goals:

It would suck to give up now, no matter how yummy a tube of Pringles would be at this moment.

*smooches...struggling to kick all my bad habits*
 life would be better with a gym buddy, though. le sigh.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's All Fun And Games Until I Write A Blog About It

Last fall the girls and I traveled to DC for some bonding time with Mari, and all this happened:

I think we'll go back next month and mash up di place!

For the full monty of pictures, see my Facebook page. If, you know, we're friends like that.

*smooches...missing #SisterSummer*
the family that makes vision boards and hikes and travel through mazes together...stays together.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Meet Me Halfway

Whenever I get one of those creepy old lady thoughts, the ones where The Voices are all, "Girl you ain't no spring chicken. You might want to think of just settling for the next loser that says hi" I seriously have to fight them in their face.

I won't settle. Even if it means I'm alone in my 50s. I had my fun after my divorce but now I must enforce some standards. I can't be bettering myself and then end up with garbage for a life partner. And I don't need perfection, but damn, dawg, show me that you're trying to make progress. All I see around me is NO.

I'm just saying.

*smooches...a little tired of NY men*
at this stage in the game, all the good ones are taken. they were snatched up while I wasted my time being married to you-know-who.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Thank You

To Theresa, Jason, Fikriyyah, Andrew and Elizabeth for getting up on the mic and sharing their stories and poems with us.

To all the friends and family who came out to support us in the bitter cold. Especially the ones who almost went deaf partying with me afterward.

To everyone at Bluestockings, especially Lee, for allowing us to perform in such an amazing venue.

To that narcoleptic lawyer who challenged me to write this story years ago.

To my last minute editors for helping me get this ready in time.

All of you made Sunday a success and I'm ever so grateful. Here's to the spring reading- may it be as, if not more, successful.

*smooches...for all of my lovely supporters*
without my fans, I'm nothing *Miss America wave*

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Hardest Talk I've Ever Had With My Baby

Just when I thought we had this school situation settled, N is bringing home zeros for missing homework, and had a 62 on a recent social studies test. This is January; it can't still be growing pains and frankly I'm sick of it.

Right now I need to face the fact that either she's not as smart as we thought or she's having some focus issues. Clearly my initial solution of spanking her for every zero has not been a good-enough deterrent in this case. It was in the beginning but now it's not working. And spare me your theories on spanking- I believe in it and nothing you say will change my mind.

So, in my attempt to reach her, I had to give N the straight story. I have strong suspicions that one or more of her teachers are straight up racist and/or do not like her. And it was hard for me to admit this because the race card is not one I've ever pulled on anything. And I've worked in education so I know how parents can overreact, but this is not the case.

I had to explain to N that this country that she's supposed to pledge allegiance to sees her as nothing more than a stupid, lazy little black girl, and as unfair as it may be, she has to work harder to make it. It was true way back in the day and is most certainly true now. I had to explain that with so many strikes against her- race, gender, socioeconomic background- she cannot afford not even one mistake. Not. Even. One. And that every homework she misses proves "them" right. Every test she fails proves "them" right. And every time she screws up it ruins her options in life. I wanted to transfer her out of what I feel is not a good middle school fit, but what new school or enrichment program is going to take a lazy student with sporadically good grades? The Prep for Prep's of the world don't want kids whose answer to "Why isn't your homework done?" is "I didn't know I had to do it." How is she going to make National Junior Honor Society with this "zero" bullshit?

I hated having to crush Ns life bubble like that but something has to get through to her. She cannot coast through this life thinking the world is fair and she has the same opportunities as the kid sitting next to her. We all know that's the propaganda served up to us but it isn't a reality.

Uncovering the man behind the curtain was the only weapon I had left in my arsenal and I don't even know if it will work. It might just be time to accept that she's chosen her path and it isn't an academic one.

*no smooches today...motherhood has killed my happy*
I just wish I knew how to fix this already because the stress of it all is killing me slow.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Five Things To Do This Weekend

1- Go outside and get some damn sunlight, you crazy, urban vampires!

2- Read Mari's new blog, Simply Mari(elys) and add it to your RSS feed.

3- Sign up to volunteer at any number of literacy organizations in honor of the National Day of Service (if you're not already doing something to give back) via BoostUp.Org.

4- Eat something you've never eaten before and give it a fair shot. Report back on Tuesday.

5- Come to my reading, suckazzz!

*smooches...hoping you enjoy this nice long weekend*
courtesy of Martin Luther the King ::side eye::

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Attention Potential Beaus...

Taken from an interview conducted by Tim Donnelly on Brokelyn of Edith Zimmerman (The Hairpin), and filled in with MY answers (which are very different from Ms. Zimmerman's):

Rate the following in order of importance: handyman skills, income, comfort with slaughtering own dinner meat, number of apple devices owned, number of Tumblr followers, personal hygiene, relationship with mother, home library selection, knowledge of the bond derivatives market, whiskey knowledge, facial hair:

1. Personal hygiene
2. Facial hair
3. Home library selection
4. Comfort with slaughtering own dinner meat
5. Relationship with mother
6. Handyman skills
7. Whiskey knowledge
8. Income
9. Knowledge of the bond derivatives market
10. Number of apple devices owned
11. Number of Tumblr followers

Now that you know what matters to me, proceed with the sending of love poems, Buffalo-wing-o-grams and deeds to Park Slope Brownstones.

*smooches...wondering who will respond*
especially since it's been a ghost town in the comments lately. I think I scared all the fellas away LOL

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

A Cautionary Tale About Gossip

"Don't over-feed the monster and then be mad that it got fat."

A few years ago, I became friends with someone that, upon first meeting seemed super cool. We hung out a lot! It was so nice to have someone in the area with similar ideas of what was fun, and we were out and about almost every weekend I was free.

This person also had a tendency to give lots of back story on the people in their life. I mean intimate, private details that were probably told to them in confidence; they told these stories with no disclaimers or trepidations. Just, "Oh, so-and-so? Yeah she went to jail for shoplifting and declared bankruptcy last year and her man beats her." This isn't an actual story, but just an example of the type of personal information they eagerly shared with me and anyone else who would listen.

Reprehensible, right? Well let me tell you what was worse: I sat there and devoured every morsel of gossip this person handed me. I'm nosy by nature so it was like Christmas every time my friend divulged another tasty bit of information on the new people that were crossing my path. We continued on like that for a solid six months until the inevitable happened.

The gossip turned on me.

I suspected that this friend was spilling MY business in the streets, and then had my suspicions confirmed a few months after I had already distanced myself from them. And you'd think I would have been cautious with the information I allowed this person to know, seeing as they had loose lips, but no. I seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth. So I can only imagine and assume that everything I ever shared with them was repeated many times to many people. This level of betrayal was devastating to me and led me down a path of self-doubt, hurt and all manner of bad feelings (this happened during a particularly bad storm in my life).

But looking back on it, I got exactly what I deserved. I sat there and feasted on gossip about other poor souls who thought this person was a true confidant, without a care in the world for how they would feel. I never said, "Hey, maybe you shouldn't be telling me this." Or "I don't want to know all this about XYZ" or redirected the conversation.

It was a very hard lesson to learn but I'm glad I learned it. I hope you all never have to feel what I felt, but also take a minute to see if maybe you're creating the kind of environment in your relationships that co-signs this type of shadiness. And then make every effort to change before you get burned, too.

*smooches...passing on crucial info to help you do better*
before you decide to gossip, stop and think "would I want someone talking about me this way?" it always helps me make better decisions!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A & B Conversations

As much crap as I talk about my days at the Waco School for Girls, I learned a great many things there. Things like former Miss America Vanessa Williams has really bad skin; rich, white girls are over-medicated; and boarding schools are a hotbed of drug use and teen sex. But in one of of the many professional development workshops we were made to sit through, I also learned the fine art of proper communication and conflict prevention and resolution.

The gist of this particular workshop was to never involve a third party in a conversation that needs to be had between you and another person. For example, if Coworker X continuously leaves dirty coffee mugs on my desk, I shouldn't go speak with Coworker Y about it. That's just going to cause more problems between me and Coworker X and drag Coworker Y into a tense situation. And next thing you know, I'm going upside Coworker X's head with a dirty coffee mug in the staff lounge.

The workshop leader explained that we tend to go to a third party about a conflict not, as we claim, to get some perspective on a situation, but rather to gain allies, have our feelings validated and have a reason to complain.

I thought about this workshop last night as I watched the latest episode of "Kim & Kourtney Take New York." (And before you admonish me for partaking of the Kardashian train wreck, please remember that a lot of you watch way worse shit than that. Pot, meet Kettle.) Kim was chatting with her sister Kourtney about her issues with new husband, Chris Humphries. Then in the next episode she was seen talking about it with her mother, and later still with her sister Khloe. You know who wasn't in on that conversation? Chris Humphries.

It's not really my place or habit to comment on celebrity life or marriages, but seeing as Kim has hers out there for all of us to feed on, here's my two-cents: marriage is such a difficult institution. You are no longer solely a ME. Now, at least 50% of the time, you have to be a WE. And the honeymoon phase ISN'T a time to move in with your sister, her boyfriend and their toddler in a hotel suite in New York City, while a camera crew records your whole life.

And I get that the Kardashian sisters are tight-ish and the mom likes to be a BFF rather than a parent, and that one can't seem to fart without the other three weighing in on the sound, smell and texture of said fart, but one would think that Kim, who has been married before and has had many relationships fall apart under the scrutiny of the media and her meddling family, would know better.

When my married or coupled friends come to me with their relationship woes, as a true friend I only listen and let them vent, interjecting a little joke here and there or an "oh" or an "uh-huh" wherever appropriate. What I aim to not participate in is a full-on conversation on what is wrong with their partner because honestly, it's not my relationship. Those grievances need to be aired with the party in question. And I wouldn't be doing my job as a confidant if I allowed them to avoid a real conversation with the intended "offender." I'm not always successful, but that's what I always work toward.

Just keep in mind, my lovelies, that the shortest path between two points is a straight line.

*smooches...dropping some knowledge on a Tuesday*
I'll admit, sometimes my opinions of the spouse or boyfriend get the better of me and I say something, but most times I just shut up.

Monday, January 09, 2012

"First Of All I'm Fabulous..."

The tide is turning, y'all. First my story "Gray Matter" gets published. And now yours truly was featured on DominicanToday.Com.

Of course, we had to celebrate over here at Casa Jaded, and who better than Kaysha to bring da noize AND the funk to the festivities? Dance with me!

I honestly want to thank the homie Laura for a fun interview and great feature, and the homie Marcin for taking great pics last fall.

Remember when I said all this success was giving me a big head? I lied. If anything it's making me humble. I want to bow before the feet of the Universe and just say "Thank you" for bringing everything at the right time. I know I can be bratty and impatient, but I get it now. There's a time and place for everything and I wasn't ready before.

*smooches...more ready than you know*
I just hope it makes my family proud. at the end of the day, that's really what matters to me.

Friday, January 06, 2012

You Prob'ly Think This Post Is About You, Don't You? Don't You?

A few years back, a male blogger whose attention I was entertaining, mistook something I wrote on my site as being a dig at him. As a result he called my phone at the ass-crack of dawn and demanded that I delete the post.

Umm, what?


First of all, I let him know in no uncertain terms that 1- it wasn't about his stupid ass and 2- even if it was about him it is MY site and he can't tell me what to write on it.

I bring up this old tale because I've recently noticed how butt-hurt people tend to get off of incidents that aren't even meant to be a slight against them. I'm guilty of this a lot, too, but I tend to keep that shit to myself. Why? Because most likely what I thought was about me isn't; it's just my vanity and insecurities and personal hang-ups jumping up and saying "hi."

See, we'd all like to think that we're so damn important that the whole world has nothing better to do than sit around and talk about us and judge everything we do and plot against us because they're hating. Let me clear this up for you, once and for all. No one gives two shits about you and what you're doing more than you do. People have their own miseries to worry about; why would they be concerned with yours? And even if they DO think about you, those thoughts probably only take up about 4.7% of what they're thinking about in a 24-hour period.

So if you see a blog post or tweet or Facebook update, or hear or read a comment, from someone you know that could possibly apply to you, take three steps back, have a smooth seat, and recognize that you are not that important to everyone else. Then proceed to let go and let god.

"...You may feel a slight sting. That's pride fucking with you. Fuck pride. Pride only hurts, it never helps." (c) Marsellus Wallace

Get it? Got it? GOOD.

*smooches...confirming that YES, this post is about you*
now I shall sit back and see whose insecurities speak up first. muahahahaha!!

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Off To A Good Start

I welcomed the New Year with a very good friend in Las Vegas. We danced a little, drank a little, ate a lot and then watched the fireworks atop the Treasure Island hotel. We were staying in the most beautiful suite in one of the most luxurious hotels on the strip- dual sink vanity, water closet, deep tub, separate shower; sunken living room, view of the strip and desert and mountains; and the most comfortable beds ever created- and we were young, beautiful, single women enjoying our youth and our friendship.

Prior to flying out west I had set up my literary reading and it went smoothly. When I returned, another event that I'm helping to coordinate for February also fell into place. Add that to my impending publishing in Blue Lake Review and a few other great opportunities that have come my way so far and it looks like 2012 isn't going to be a huge bitch.

Also, in order to avoid becoming a huge bitch myself, I made sure to sign up for regular yoga classes and am finally activating my Crunch Fitness one-month membership and weekly dance class vouchers. I mean, I already look pretty hot:

but that can easily backslide. All it takes is one enchilada. So to that end I'm taking action; I'm taking my fitness journey to the next level.

AND, I'm excited about the other goodness coming my way:
  • Finishing my novella
  • The first draft of my novel
  • My MFA degree (pretty please?? I sent my papers in July 2011!)
  • Getting more stories published
  • The last payment of one of my student loans (May 2012, Bitches!!!)
2012, you're a right-good peach. I think you and I are gonna be real sweet friends.

*smooches...filled with hope for the new year*
how's your year shaping up so far?

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

In 2012, I Will Have A Full House At A Reading

Gone are the days when only five people showed up to hear me and my fellow writers bare our souls through our stories. In fact, I'm going to pretend those days don't even exist. The past is the past. This is the year people will fill the seats at my events and leave wanting more. I can almost feel it in my bones!

In two weeks, when La Pluma y La Tinta hosts it's 3rd Annual January reading, all of my New Yorkers will be there to support real literature. No, there won't be a celebrity host (just me!) or alcohol (unless you count what we'll be drinking at the bar afterward) or any other incentive except enjoying some great poetry and stories.

This is a free event, but our host-venue would surely appreciate your donations. So you're coming, right? RIGHT?

*smooches...feeling that this year will be different*
I'm telling you, I just KNOW y'all gonna come through this year fo' sho'!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

It's Mari's Birthday!

I'm a bit sad that we didn't have a little celebration before I flew to Vegas and she drove back to D.C. I can't think of any year that I've missed her birthday, but hopefully she knows she's my sweet little booger-faced baby doll and I love her to bits and pieces.

Happy Birthday, Mari!

Enjoy these tunes, just for you, from the year you were born :)

*smooches...just for Mari today*
y'all know what to do; wish Mari a happy one!

Monday, January 02, 2012


A friend posted a link to a John Meyer quote that read:

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'"

ME: What am I???

FRIEND: 128 color; sprawled across the floor.

ME: LOL! Why I gotta be sprawled, though?

FRIEND: Because no box can hold you.

*smooches...enjoying a dose of truth*
it's hard being this fabulous, but it's my cross to bear. So I'll bear it.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Jaded Photographs: January 2012 Edition

"Ride Or Die Chicks"

*smooches...wishing you all a Happy New Year*
I'm looking forward to more good-looking fun w/these heffas. I love them so much!