Thursday, January 26, 2012

Re-Learning How To Eat: A Healthy Jaded Update

So, you're all familiar with my food issues, right? (If not, click here for a summary of it.) Well those issues are harder to fix than a motherfucker! Just when I think I've licked them, BAM! It's PMS Week and I'm plotting ways to break into McDonald's at 3:00AM to make myself a trough of fries. The only reason I haven't executed my most awesome B&E plan is because I'm afraid of going to jail. I'm too pretty for jail. Not even my PMS is strong enough to make me risk my freedom!

But I digress...

When I have these weak moments I get serious bouts of disappointment and depression weighing heavily on my mind. And that leads to dangerous conversations with The Voices: OK, Raquel. You just ate a salami and cheese sandwich at 2AM and that's not good, in particular because you don't eat pork and you're supposed to be weaning off bread and dairy! What's going to happen is this- after your bowels are done punishing you for ingesting all of those nitrites and by-products, you will not be allowed to eat anything but grilled chicken, veggies and salad. That's it! Nothing else for you! YOU'VE BEEN A BAD GIRL AND I HATE YOU I WISH YOU WERE DEAD YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE WHY DO YOU SABOTAGE ALL OF MY EFFORTS I'M DOING THIS FOR US WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!

And then I proceed to make another salami and cheese sandwich, along with some chips and possible a frozen waffle or two. Clearly this is Reason Number One And Only why I should go to bed earlier- if for nothing else (rest? who needs rest? rest is for suckers!) I need to be in bed before 11PM to curb my eating.

The problem here is my emotions are so tied to food, and it's been this way forever, so it's a hard habit to break. I suppose I can, on some level, understand drug addicts. I know that devouring a box of Reese's Pieces a day is killing me slow. But I'm not armed with the mechanism to find an alternate way to appease my anxiety. Not just yet. I'm looking for it, trust me, but it continues to be a struggle.

I suppose the only thing to do at this point is re-train my emotional and physical self to deal with food responsibly: eat only when hungry; have a reasonable portion; stick to fresh, nutritious whole foods. But I've yet to become the kind of person that can dive into a new lifestyle 100% without looking back and sampling the naughty bits. Especially because those naughty bits tend to trigger memories that comfort me.

Then, of course, once I slip my Catholic Guilt acts up and I'm compelled to pray a rosary for my intestines.

My poor, poor intestines. May god have mercy on their soul.

*smooches...dreaming of deep-fried things*
you know the kind that's cooked in week-old grease? Mmmmm, delicious!