Thoughts On Infidelity

I just watched Things Never Said, a film about a spoken word artist struggling to find her voice. In it she's married to a man who hits her and barely cares about her poetry. There are more layers to their relationship but I'll only give you that tidbit for now. Over the course of the film, the woman meets another poet and begins an affair with him. Again, there are more layers to this cinematic version of what infidelity looks like, but I won't go into more details because it was a pretty good movie despite the annoying messages (and spoken word poetry featured), and maybe you'll want to see it.

I'm only using it to set up the point I want to make about infidelity, which is this: Things Never Said tried to convince me that the way this woman and the poet she cheated with became involved was complicated and difficult and there were grey areas that contributed to her infidelity. But I'm calling bullshit on all of that, because infidelity is very black and white. You either cheated or you didn't. There's no grey area about that plain fact.

In the face of challenges and obstacles and plain ol' everyday life, we have choices to make. Do we run out of the house without breakfast OR make breakfast and be a little late to work? Go to bed early and finish your paper in the morning OR pull an all-nighter and sleep in the next day? Sneak some extra cookies during snack OR obey your mom when she says you can only have two? And each of these choices have results and consequences: eat poorly at lunch because you skipped breakfast OR hear it from your boss because you were late? Give up those precious extra moments in the morning to finish your work OR deal with the ramifications of skipping class the next day? Get your rewards now OR lose your mom's trust?

When people say things like "I didn't have a choice" what they really mean is "I made the choice that benefited me at the time" or "I made the choice with the easiest path according to my id."

Infidelity is a choice you make to appease whatever basic need you perceive yourself to be lacking, and it's WRONG because you're making this choice at the expense of two other people--the person you've pledged fidelity to and the new person who thinks they're going to get all of you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care if your partner abuses you, ignores you or just bores you to death. Cheating is cheating is cheating. And if your partner is so awful then LEAVE** already.

By choosing to cheat, you're denying your significant other the full scope of your relationship and not allowing them to make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to be with you. You're being 100% selfish and cowardly.

My stance during my marriage and even after it ended has always been "If you feel the need to cheat, just leave." Clearly you no longer love or respect the person you're with if you think it's OK to break their trust, and I don't know about you but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. Just leave.

Besides, what kind of person starts a new relationship with drama and unpacked baggage? Don't be that way.

Also, movies and TV shows that glorify this shit make me so...GRRRRRR! Yes, even "Scandal." I want to punch Olivia and Fitz in their stupid faces SO DAMN MUCH.

*smooches...trying to make sure y'all get into heaven*
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last I checked adultery was still a sin, dawg.

**Please note this post deals with infidelity. Obviously I know some people can't leave a relationship for many reasons. I'm saying if you're in it, you're in it, and cheating is still cheating no matter how you paint it.

"Ain't Nobody Got Time For That!"

You know what people love to tell me and other singles, in general? "Relationships take work."

We've been married a gazillion years but it's not been easy, it's a lot of hard work.
To have a happy relationship you gotta put in the work.
If you work at it, both you and your partner will have a happy life.

Bitch, WHAT? WORK? As in MORE WORK THAN I ALREADY DO EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY?

Running a country is hard work. Changing a tire is hard work. Staying in love with someone long enough to not want to stab them in the face while they sleep should be a piece of cake! I shouldn't have to clock in and out of my relationship. Or look forward to vacation days away from my boo.

Love shouldn't be work. Love should be my refuge from all that nonsense out in the world. And now I'm to understand that the thing that's supposed to complement my life until the end of days ALSO takes WORK???

Nah, I'm good. Y'all can keep all of that. I think I'll go ahead and buy that Golden Girls house me and the homie Tiffany have been talking about; I got dibs on being Dorothy!

*smooches...ready to STAY single and fabulous, exclamation point*
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maybe after I retire I'll be ready for a relationship again

Laughs & Truths

So once again I want to point out that my favorite podcast, The Read, needs to be your favorite podcast, too.

This week's episode is full of the usual shenanigans, but also discusses the Zimmerman trial (and in case you're all "Ugh, I'm tired of hearing about this stupid trial!" well guess what- I'm tired of our black sons dying necessarily and the law saying it's OK. So there's that.).

And one point in particular, made by @Crissle during her read, stuck out to me the most: the idea of respectability politics, which can be defined as "a deliberate concession to mainstream societal values" in order to gain favor with the perceived "majority." I'll let you listen for yourself; start at 55:38 for Crissle's read and get your life.



I've been there, siding against my brethren regardless of the details just to keep the eyes off of me and not become a target myself. And mostly because remember, I denied my blackness for a big chunk of my life. Whenever blacks were portrayed negatively on the news or, you know, EVERYWHERE, I distinctly remember thinking "well that's not me because I went to a good school and I follow the rules and I do what I'm supposed to. Plus, I'm Dominican; I'm not even black!" Knowing damn well my black-ass was black.

So I connected to what Crissle was saying, and I understand both sides of the coin, but still, my black brothers and sisters: I urge you to wake up. Let's not turn against each other.

Amen and good day.

*smooches...growing and healing*
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reflecting on my own black guilt during these hard-as-fuck times

TRUTH.COM

DAUGHTER: There should be a pill you can take to make love go away.

MOTHER: Why would you want to make love go away? It's hard enough to find it in the first place.

*smooches...hoping you find love every day in every thing*
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and all that other bullshit...

(dialogue is taken from the remake of the film The Women starring Meg Ryan)

I'm Strong When I Have To Be. We All Are.

The only good thing about staying up too late trying not to give in to a nasty bout of night-eating, is that once in a while you'll catch some good updates on The Twitter. There's something about the end of the day that makes us have these A-HA! moments, and for all the foolishness that happens online, sometimes twitter can provide some good food for thought, like the one listed below.

Because Shanelle's tweets were posted after 1AM, I don't know if many people were up to read them, so I'm posting them here (read from the bottom up; I'm too lazy to cut and paste everything in order for you!):

Everyone has had something to overcome in their lives; something that's made them put on their grown folk's drawz and put in work. To point a finger at someone who is taking care of their business, blaming them for others' insecurity, that's just counterproductive to the struggle. We're single because we're too strong and appear to not need a man? GET ALL THE WAY OUT OF HERE WITH THAT BULLSHIT. So if I were on public assistance, sitting at home desperately putting up sexy bathroom pics of me on Twitter and Facebook for attention, I'd be married by now? Honestly, I don't want a man who is attracted to that kind of woman, because clearly he's looking to take advantage of her somehow and possibly harm her and her children.

Yes, I pay all the bills at home, take care of my kids, have a good job, create great things as a side gig, am highly educated, opinionated and judgmental. My ideal guy will be all of that and then some, and appreciate those attributes in me. If that's not your scene, please, feel free to move the fuck on. You're blocking out the sun with all your hate.

*smooches...tired of ppl telling me why I'm single*
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the fact is, I'm single because I CHOOSE TO BE. deal with THAT!

This Brand Means______

Recently I sat in on a little presentation by AIGA/NY on in-house branding and marketing teams (of which I'm a part of at work). Not something you'd think I'd be into, huh? Well, when offered the opportunity to attend, two thoughts crossed my mind:

1- I really like my job, and anything I can do or learn to be a real contribution and asset to the organization is more than welcome on my TO DO list.

and

2- This blog, and everything I do under the Jaded Empire umbrella, is my brand, so it would serve me well to run it as best I can.

While the panelists- Jeffrey Keyton of MTV, Sandra Monteparo of Victoria's Secret Beauty, and Steve Rura from Google Creative Labs- discussed how their in-house teams work their magic, I sat there and applied what I could to me, my job and my blog. Things that came up included staying fresh in the consumers' eyes, avoiding burnout and what it takes to run a successful team. It was especially timely as I prepared to embark on yet another professional endeavor (that I'll share with you all soon).

All the while I also had in mind a few tweets I'd received lately, tweets that associated my Jaded brand with machetes, speaking Spanish and being angry all the time. Is that what my name makes people think of? For realzz?? I'm not sure that's all I want to be known for. I mean, sure, I'd like you to know that I would not hesitate to take your life if you come at me, but I don't want it to be the only thing you know me for. Maybe it's time to reevaluate the message I'm putting out into the web-o-sphere.

So you guys tell me- when you think of The Jaded NYer, besides envying my total existence and/or lusting after me something awful, what images and concepts are conjured up in your mind's eye? Leave it in the comments!

*smooches...actually seeking feedback*
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'cause y'all know usually I give nan a rat's ass what y'all have to say...lol!

Freedom To Choose Means Freedom To Choose

Many women have come before me, fighting the good fight against all odds to ensure that I'd have equal rights in this country and beyond. We're not 100% there but we're definitely a long way from where we were. Women head corporations, small businesses, adopt children and own property, all without having their dads, husbands or brothers cosign or vouch for them. Hillary Clinton even came close to getting the Democratic National Committee to select her as their candidate for president of the United States.

I applaud all the women that were harassed, terrorized, jailed, spat on, abused or humiliated so that I, and my daughters, could have a fair shot at a good life, free of prejudice. I'm definitely grateful.

But with that freedom, some of us women (and men) have forgotten that what was really being fought for was to not be seen as a second-class citizen. To have the power to choose our paths to happiness. And that everyone's happiness does not look the same.

I recently read a blog post by Quiana Stokes entitled "How To Survive As A Stay-At-Home-Girlfriend" where she proceeded to describe how she keeps her and her boyfriend's home tidy, prepares his meals and makes herself available to him sexually whenever he wants. It was nothing shocking- a lot of Stay-At-Home-Moms do pretty much a lot of that stuff, too, with the noted difference of a marriage license and one or two rugrats traipsing about. However the people in the comments, as internet folks are wont to do, trashed this woman, and blamed her for setting women back hundreds of years. It all made me sigh heavily.

Listen, suffragettes and feminists battled for our right to be whomever we wanted to be. If what the author is choosing is to be the woman behind the man then let her be! She's not setting anyone back by choosing this path of happiness. She's just exercising her freedom to choose. The Equal Rights Movement wasn't about making us all CEOs and Presidents and Boss Hogs, it was about opening the doors to that life for- are you ready? THOSE WHO WANT IT.

It's not fair to force your ideology on others because they're not doing what YOU would do. If she's happy being this guy's live-in girlfriend then let her! Have a tall glass of Shut The Fuck Up and let her enjoy her choices! I'd hate to think that anyone would talk sideways about me if I decided to be a housewife one day. What business is it of anyone?

It's not illegal to bypass a corporate life or to forgo being Super Independent Feminist. It's not the life everyone dreams of. It's just one of the many choices we're lucky to have. All the Judgy McJudgertons need to sit all the way down and get their life. Quiana Stokes already got hers.

*smooches...wishing I had a Quiana in my life*
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I'd love to come home to a clean house and a hot meal, shooo! y'all just jealous of her stee-lo!

We Were Already Civilized. Thanks.

A while ago, The F$%k-it List sent me this comment she read somewhere regarding gentrification in BedStuy:

"There is a general Brooklyn blog media/press fascination with white 'hipsters' and other perceived 'gentrifiers' versus the stable, moderate earning black people who own the majority of the residential real estate in parts of Bed Stuy and Crown Heights. The implication seems to be that these neighborhoods are finally being "civilized" by trendy, wealthier white folks. It's truly tiresome."

Look here, I hope this person was mistaken and that this isn't what people are thinking about BedStuy, but just in case, let me explain something to you.

BLACK doesn't automatically equal uncivilized. The neighborhood may have been poorer with only a handful of businesses and services here and there that only catered to inner-city tastes (take-out Chinese joints, laundromats, bodegas on EVERY corner) but it wasn't uncivilized. There was (and probably still is) a huge drug problem all up and through the 79th Precinct's jurisdiction, but it wasn't uncivilized. There were many more abandoned and overgrown lots back then, but we were NEVER uncivilized.

We had jobs. We cared for our families and knew our neighbors- even the criminals- if not by name then by face, and they'd never let bad things happen to good people. Our kids played outside (well, not me...) and decorated our windows during the holidays. We had block parties that lasted from sun-up to sun-down every summer (or so I heard...you know I wasn't allowed to go, right?) with great music and fun and food.

To say that all of that was uncivilized because there were no wealthy white folks buying up shit and opening quaint little coffee shops and Ethiopian restaurants would be to call us folks from BedStuy animals, and frankly, I pity the fool that would have the audacity to call me an animal to my face.

So to the people that think the new white residents of BedStuy make the legendary (yes, motherfucker, LEGENDARY) Brooklyn neighborhood more habitable because FINALLY THE ANIMALS ARE TAMED, let me introduce this size 10 Doc Marten to your anus.

*smooches...beaming with pride for my neighborhood*
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it was a tough place but I'd change NOTHING I experienced growing up there. BK STAND UP!!