What I Found In My Purse, Pt. 1

Lubricant.

Let me explain.

After my fabulous reading at Pacific Standard on the 17th, I stuck around with some folks and maybe, allegedly had one too many drinks. When it was clear we'd need food to sustain this level of drinking, we decided to leave the bar. And guess what was near the door? A bowl full of condoms and lube. FOR FREE.

So drunk Raquel decided these were MUST-HAVE items, despite the fact that 1) she's not having sex with anyone and B) she already has about 100 condoms at home (a gift from a cousin; a story for another day).

A week ago or so I had a foggy memory about trying to hand out these condoms and lube to some homeless people on the street, only to have my drinking buddies snatch me up and throw me in a cab with a NO MAS, GO HOME. #Rude.

And now fast forward to last night, I'm cleaning out my tote because it weighs about 15lbs and my back can't take it. What do I find at the bottom? Two condoms and two packets of lubricant. It took me a minute to remember how these got in my bag, but there it is. The story of how I found lube in my purse.

Also? JUST SAY NO.

*smooches...remembering why I stopped boozing*
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although the stories are pretty blog-worthy...

We're All Adults Here, Right?

FRIEND: This is my second attempt at contact. I'm done now. No reply, no goodies. I shall go to the freaky store, lol quench my own damn thirst.

ME: How many are there out there?

FRIEND: IDK I only go to one.

ME: "Hey! Welcome back, [FRIEND]!"

FRIEND: O_O!!! I'm [FAKE NAME] in there!

ME: hahahahaha!

FRIEND: Cash only lmao!!!

ME: #Trife

FRIEND: Prolly

ME: *orders online; plain brown box*

FRIEND: #TrifeLife

*smooches...unapologetically unashamed*
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I don't see none of y'all paying my bills OR quenching my thirst O_o

Seen On The Twitter

To All My Exes:

What's truly funny about this is that my exes don't ignore me, I ignore them. Still, if one of them gets too big for their britches, this will remind them LOL!!

*smooches...bringing just a bit of ratchet into your Monday*
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listen, that little meme made me laugh so hard, I can't even explain it!

Your Grandparents Had A Lot Of Sex...And Other Shit That Will Fuck Up Your Day

>>The 12-grain bread you love so much, the one that was supposed to keep you healthy, is loaded with sugar.

>>Your hotel room's previous occupants did unspeakable things on the bed you're sleeping in. And in the shower. And on the mini fridge.

>>Under the right circumstances, your pet WOULD kill you and then eat your face off before someone can discover your mauled body.

>>Your grandparents had a lot of sex when they were your age, and the longer they live the more likely you are to find out about it. Or hear it happening in the next room.

>>There's a whiskey-flavored lubricant on the market called Whiskey Dick. *crosses Dark & Stormy off favorite drink list*

*smooches...wishing I didn't know any of this*
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unfortunately I can't un-hear what's already been said *sad face*

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 7

"It's a sad day when you can't eat a girl out without having to worry about cancer."

*smooches...wondering why I keep these friends around*
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actually, it's really helping me with blog material so...

A Jaded "Mayhem" Commercial Script

ME: So what happened- you okay?

FRIEND: Yea, I called my sis-in-law the nurse. She said only go to the ER if the bleeding is constant. Popped two Motrin. Pain is subsiding. Bleeding is now spotting.

ME: Blood? *faints* <----- why I didn't pursue medicine

FRIEND: This seems to be a case of "Ass torn out the frame"-itis

ME: Is this sex-related? *dead*

FRIEND: Yes. Yes it is. *hangs head*

ME: #YoureDoingItWrong

FRIEND: Obviously. First time we broke the bed. This time we nearly broke the box. I'm guessing we shouldn't fuck each other anymore.

ME: Not without collision insurance.

FRIEND: *motions for waiter* Check please.

*smooches...realizing I have some really freaky friends*
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and for some reason they LOVE sharing their sexual exploits with me :(

36 Soon Come: My Subconscious Mind Is A Filthy-Mouthed Sailor

ME: New Jaded Expression for when trying to encourage someone to take chances in life...

Smarty Jones: Uh oh

ME: "You just have to throw all your dicks in the air and pray it lands in some real good pussy." *drops mic*

Smarty Jones: :O WTH?

ME: That came to me while meditating just now. Ain't that some shit?

Smarty Jones: *dead*

*smooches...taking a break from meditating*
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it's just a liiiiiittle too deep & crazy for me right now. I'll try again next month!

Alex Out Of Context, Vol. 1

"It's innocuous...until I tell you what to do with it."

*smooches...bringing you only the BEST of my inappropriate conversations*
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even if they weren't inappropriate to begin with

She's About To Experience Jaded: Live And In Person!

ME: My jaw is kinda achy...

SMARTY P. JONES: #deceased

SPJ: #noflowers

SPJ: #nomusic

SPJ: #noservice

ME: See, now you're just begging me to blog this!

*smooches...asking y'all to pray for Smarty's soul*
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clearly this is an old convo that took place BEFORE Phillip's untimely demise... *spills a lil liquor* may he rest in peace.

Jaded Photographs 2010: May Edition

Lesson Learned

*smooches...promising myself a vomit-free May*
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I mean really, I'm too old for this shit...

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 2

ME: So, what about me says, "Please send me a picture of your hard dick?"

Smarty P. Jones: LMAO!

Smarty P. Jones: Who sent you a pic?

ME: I mean, I saved it, but still...

Smarty P. Jones: *deceased*

Smarty P. Jones: *casket*

Smarty P. Jones: *slowsinging*

Smarty P. Jones: *flowerbringing*

Smarty P. Jones: *just dead*

*smooches...finding new ways to kill friends dead*
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who's next? oh, and I called dibs on Smarty's music & movie collection so y'all heffas just BACK OFF!

I Pee'd In The Street!...And Other Musings

My weekend was filled with ups and downs. Luckily more ups. Ready? Let's go!

Stop Spending So Much Goddamn Money!
Tonight on Monday Musings I'm doing my second Blogger Profile of the year, and this time around we've got Natalie McNeal aka The Frugalista on the show! And if you don't know who she is CLEARLY you're the kind of person that shops without caring if you're getting your money's worth.


Expect to hear about the birth of The Frugalista as well as some awesome tips on how to save hundreds on groceries, vacations and the clothes you just have to have. And if you've got questions or tips of your own, don't be shy! We'd love to hear from you.

So tune in... you know yo want to!

Another Ex, A New Letter
This week on "Letters I'll Never Send" our Friend From Across The Pond, Bangs and a Bun, has a few choice words for an ex.

We all have that one ex we need to write that letter to, and I loved how Muireann got it all out on "paper" to share with us. Head on over and take a peek. And remember, you, too, can have your letter posted. Email me at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net to find out how.

I Pee'd In The Street!
Let's just file this little tale under Things That Will Upset Jaded's Mother.

I had some drinks. Not a lot but some. I wasn't drunk but my bladder was full. The bathroom at this establishment was, well, let's just say I was willing to just hold it til I got home. Until I wasn't. It was right there; I could feel the droplets itching to come out. We tried pulling into a gas station but they were closed. Then my friend utters the fateful words: "Just go behind that truck."

*record scratches*

EXCUSE ME?! That's NOT how I was raised...except...I...I just couldn't hold it. So, for the first time ever... I pee'd in the street. Behind a U-Haul van that was parked at the Mobile station. Mami forgive me!!

Why You All Frontin' Like You Know 'Em?
Here's my latest contribution to the Blogging Etiquette lessons The F$%k-It List and Smarty Jones have been giving you for the last couple of months, and it has to do with some of y'all out there who stay fakin' the funk. And by that I mean the people who are giving props left and write to other bloggers...that they don't even read!

Lookie here- anytime I link to someone on this site, you best believe I'm over there on the regular. I'd never sully my good name by associating with someone with whom I'm not even familiar, just to seem cooler somehow. That type of behavior gets THE GAS FACE for real.


Despite what some say or do, blogging is not a popularity contest. Just be you. Don't act like you're down to get comments or readers. BOOOOO to you if you've done it. If I ever catch you doing that shit again? Machete time...

*smooches...threatening your life because I care*
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I call it: Jaded's Tough Love.

No Me Siento Bien

I had a post ready to go up today but I'm really sick right now. And not in the "Raquel hears Voices and is acting nutty" way but in the physically ill, puking my guts out sick kind of way.

I have zero idea what brought this on: I did not drink this weekend, nor did I eat anything strange or new. But that didn't stop me from being slapped awake at nearly five this morning with an overwhelming desire to purge.

My guess is that my stress, anxiety and depression cocktail are manifesting itself in an actual ailment, or, as WebMD puts it, I have "Cancer of the Everything."

I hate that site.

If I feel better later I'll send out a notice about Monday Musings. Otherwise consider me out of commission for all of today.

*no smooches...because I probably still have vomit breath*
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feel free to stop over here and pamper me; the role of Raquel's nurse has yet to be filled :(

What It's Like To Not Be Able To Breathe

Those of you who enjoy the privilege of being able to freely inhale oxygen through your nose all year around can kiss my flat, jiggly non-bootylicious ass. For real.

I cannot recall a time when I've been able to breathe completely through my nose. And one would think with a nose THIS SIZE I'd be able to get my share of air and then some, right? Wrong.

I'm always stuffed up. Always. And when spring rolls around it worsens by 100%. And when it's a full-fledged cold/fever it worsens by 1000%.

Someone once suggested I get my sinuses drained, but when I looked up the procedure 1- it looked like some sort of medieval torture routine and 2- it's not a permanent solution. Meaning in as little as 2 years I'd have to go back and have it done all over again. NEGATIVE!

Didn't Chris Rock tell us this? The medical community don't want a cure... there's no money in a cure. The money is in the come back.

So fuck all them hoes... there will be no sinus drainage for me.

In the meantime, let me take you through what I go through with my damn nasal passages ALL THE FREAKIN TIME...

1- I begin to notice that my usually semi-stuffed nose is completely closed off on one side. I apply Vick's at night and hope for the best.

2- Then both nostrils decide to completely shut down for about 87% of the time I'm awake. HOWEVER, there is the added bonus that said shut down nostrils will still drip like a leaky faucet. I apply more Vick's and take steam baths. My vitamin C & hot beverage consumption increases.

3- I start sneezing. This usually starts at about April and ends in June... lucky me. Sometimes I'll sneeze so much that my chest will begin to hurt, as will my head. I load up on packs of tissues.

4- The headache gets worse, especially right behind my eyes and it makes it hard for me to see w/out squinting. At this point my body starts to shut down because it wants me to go to sleep so it can fight the sickness. Enter drowsy, medicine head feeling- w/out the damn medicine!

(my body is good/bad that way... GOOD because it can fight off anything on it's own effectively w/out drugs, but BAD because I need to be asleep for this to happen. Not cool when you have kids & a job & responsibilities n shit)

5- Vertigo decides to join the damn party! The real downside of any ear-nose-throat(ENT) problems I encounter is that it's made worse by the fact that I have vertigo. So any tiny allergy fit or head cold is magnified by the fact that the room will start spinning once I try to move.

6- Appetite goes buh-bye. I can't smell which means I can't taste PLUS I have a belly full of post-nasal drip and the vertigo makes me nauseous... yeah, food is not a priority for me during this time. Which is saying a lot because y'all have seen my belly. You know I love to eat.

7- On rare occasions I will also lose my voice. This doesn't usually happen until the winter months but it does happen every year like clockwork. That's when I get the trifecta of sickness: sore throat, stuffed nose and vertigo... an ENT doc's dream come true!

8- I inevitably have to take a day to just sleep it all off. Sometimes it works like gangbusters and other days, like today, it makes me re-think my NO DRUGS policy... like maybe if I downed a whole bottle of Benedryl or NyQuil or something I could be me again.

9- While on said day off I'll either A- get stupid, work-related phone calls that drive me up the wall or B- have wayyyy to much quiet time with The Voices, in which they proceed to tell me about every thing I've done to fuck up my life. Nice, right?

10- Finally, after many applications of Vick's, countless steam baths and packs of tissues, and forcing myself to take some pain meds for my headache, I reluctantly rejoin the world. Still stuffy and drowsy and dizzy, only this time wreaking of eucalyptus and high on Aleve.

Yay, Life!

But PS- Don't sit next to me on the train if you know what's good for you...

*smooches...but from a distance, in case I'm contagious*
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and now I'm going back to bed FOR REAL, because I think Lady Estrogen and her minions forgot a few points to mention in their "1,001 Reason Why Raquel Ain't Shit" speech.

I Officially Start My Fitness Training Again This Weekend...

...because I'LL BE DAMNED TO HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY if 63-year-old Helen Mirren looks like this in a bikini:



and I look like this:



Jesus take the wheel.

*smooches...throwing out the last of my Reese's Pieces in the trash*
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I will not look grosser than a great-grandmother... I will not look grosser than a great-grandmother... I will NOT look grosser than a great-grandmother!!!

I Always Thank The Church In My Acceptance Speeches

DUDE: just want you to know that you're OFFICIALLY owner of the "Best First Text Message" award
ME: *walks up on stage in tears*
ME: OMG, I don't even know what to say
ME: I want to thank the Catholic Church first and foremost for all the years of repression that led to my total loss of morals and decorum
ME: my parents for great genes
ME: Victoria's Secret for all her support
ME: and the wonderful people at Verizon who never shut my phone off no matter how many payments I am behind on my bill
ME: Thank you all so much. I love you!
ME: *exits stage left*

*smooches...having wayyyy too much fun on this phone*
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and then I wonder why my bill is so freakin high all the time... look at how many texts I sent to a non-Verizon number!!!

New Crush Alert: CNN Hotties Don Lemon & TJ Holmes

But first, it's Tuesday, so you know I have to remind you to check out the podcast of my show from last night: Artist Spotlight w/LeVar Thomas on Monday Musings. Take a listen; he's a talented cat, for real!

And now... the post...

I'm sitting in the airport in Chicago, poisoning my body with w 3 piece chicken strip meal from McDonald's, waiting to get home from Vegas, and I happen to look up at the TV screen... guess what I saw?

This elegant hunky-hunk right here:



Um, HELLO?!?! Why didn't anybody TELL me CNN had cuties with brains? I would've been watching the news like a crack fiend every-freakin-day! I don't even usually go for the nerdy, Carlton Banks types, but something about the way he looks in the camera makes me thinks he's a bit of a freak in the bedroom... just my type!

So I'm telling Mari about Don and then she's like, "NO; you have to see the other dude." You know who? THIS dude:



HOTCHIE MAMA!!!

YEOWZA!!!

Ask Mari- I actually lost my ability to form complete sentences at that point.

I mean, I need a job at CNN, like right now. Can you imagine the naughty-hot-times I can have behind the news desk with these two Hottie McHottertons?

And I know some of you heifers reading this knew of both of them and have been holding out... I see you... it's like that, huh? Just gonna hide the sexy dudes from your girl... I see how it is...

Now, when I saw Don on-screen at the airport there was no sound on the TV, so I wasn't able to drool over him 100%- I couldn't add him to my laminated list of dudes I'd have babies for without actually hearing him speak... it was the only way to get the full fantasy materialized in my brain. And same with TJ- the pics were hot, true, but I needed a voice.

So I went online, e-stalked and YouTubed them:





and now... mission accomplished... my imagination took off and it was hella sweet.

(queue music)

Floetry - Say Yes
by Floerty

What happens next, unfortunately, I cannot share because as much shit as I like to talk on this site, you and I both know this is not THAT KIND of blog... you'll need to use your imagination (like I did) to think up some of the sweatiest, acrobatic and jungalistic, threesome activities ever, and then turn it up a notch, and that's what happened. Period.

And with that I had to bump Lenny Kravitz from the number 5 spot on my crush list since I already have a half-black, half-Jewish rocker with crazy hair on there who I've loved for longer (Slash), and had Mr. Lemon & Mr. Holmes share the spot. Welcome to my world, kind sirs; you're in good company...

*smooches...fanning myself, trying not to sweat my edges out*
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damn you, lemon! got me watching CNN n shit... ugh!

PS- Lenny, please don't be mad at me; you're in good company, too, on the alternates' list with Johnny Depp, Marcus Patrick, Jason Mamoa and Morris Chestnut. It's all good.

I'd also like to take a minute to induct Domenik Hixon, Troy Polamalu and Larry Fitzgerald to the list of athletes who make me moist. Yum, fellas, Y-U-M!!!

Funny, The Memories A Photo Can Trigger

Since C and I are now buddies on Facebook, I keep seeing these photos he's been posting to his page, including some that feature yours truly.

It's kinda weird to see that; I mean, I know it is only because the babies are in the photos and he likes to show them off like any other proud papa, but eww... I'm in them.

It's a little weird, don't you think?

Well, for me it is... especially when I remember the day each photo was taken- 95% of them were when we were still together, faking the funk for all it was worth. And the new ones make me a bit sad because those are memories my babies are creating, experiencing, etc, without me.

I'm okay, though. I'm okay.

One particular photo, though, really stuck out from the rest, and the memory it solicited was definitely weird for me:



We were separated but not yet legally divorced. There was this slight tension between us because we had "slipped up" the previous November and I'd also gotten the vibe from him that he wanted to keep "slipping up" but I could be getting the sequence of events wrong. That whole summer was a blur.

But the day this picture was taken, K graduated from the 5th grade. C and I were still new at the "splitting up the summer" thing, but knew that he was definitely taking both K&N for the first part of the vacation, so shortly after this photo was taken the babies left for at least three weeks.

And what makes this day stand out is that I remember the fumes from C's Jeep hadn't even dissipated fully when D (the other half of THE BREAK UP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD) showed up at my place. We were in full monogamy mode by this point and I was kid-free, off from work for the rest of the day and eager to do all kinds of dirty things with him.

Our whole relationship was pretty much us finding new ways to violate my mattress. I mean, we went out and talked and stuff, but mostly we made the walls blush.

It was crazy hot on that particular day, and I don't like air conditioning so my place was hotter than hell. In fact, The Devil stopped by but was like, "DAAAAAAYUMMM it's hot in here!!" and stormed out in a huff.

I agreed to buy a window fan and D came with me to get it. Then we stopped by Carvel for a Sundae, drove back to my apartment, put the fan in the window in my bedroom and proceeded to, you know, do it.

Talk about sweaty monkey sex!

Afterwards we ate the shit out of that sundae and took many cold showers, I think (did I mention it was HOT?!?!).

While my babies got their first taste of "splitting their time between mom and dad" before they were able to wrap their heads around the fact that the family they knew was officially over, I was fornicating my non-ass off.

I'm not even sure how to react to that memory. It just crept in there against my wishes and made itself at home. Put its nasty feet up on my couch and snatched the remote. Just pure rudeness.

And now I kind of wish I hadn't seen that photo, especially not on Cs FB page.

*smooches...thinking, I have a million stories like this, but you'll have to wait for the book*
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SIKE! I ain't writing no damn book on my boudoir habits, get real!! But there may be a few chapters here and there in my memoirs. I think. lol

meanwhile I still have that window fan, and sometimes on really hot nights, when the girls are with C, I remember why I bought it...

This Is The Result Of Self-Imposed Celibacy

The show last night was hella-cool, y'all... check out the archived segment and make sure you're there next week, Okay, cuz we STAY having fun on BTR...

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And now the post:
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All things carnal have been on the forefront of my mind lately... I know I never talk about this shit over here but AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! A girl can only take so much before an entire F-train car of commuters are found stabbed in the throat by my wine key. I'm just sayin...

When I'm grocery shopping, doing laundry, commuting to work, reading a damn book, watching old B&W movies- all of a sudden, everything reminds me of sex.

It also doesn't help that most of the songs in my iTunes library have sexual undertones... what the FUCK, iTunes?! You know my situation... can you just CHILL with that mess already?

I almost even took it a step too far- a "dinner date" with Mr. Baseball, but thank the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty (you like how I bring out the "lord" randomly, knowing full well me n him ain't friends?) that he had a family emergency in SoCal and had to go out of town. Bullet. Dodged. Until he returns to NYC, that is.

Did I mention he plays baseball? And is damn near 40 but has a body that won't stop? Did I mention that? Even though his attitude is ten trillion times STANKER than mine and I SWORE to myself that I'd NEVER speak to him again? No? Well, I'm mentioning it now. Because D-A-M-N his body. won't. quit. And I think it was barely my birthday the last time I saw a real-live penis.

Bare with me, y'all. I think I'm having a hot flash... is it time for menopause already?

And the weather this weekend helped, too; kept my ass indoors where instead of participating in some sober, sweaty monkey sex with some random loser from Bembe, I discovered that those magic eraser sponges are the SHIZNIT!!! Yo- my cabinets have NEVER looked better.

(Ay, yo, Mari- tell Rene's woman que me mande mas de esas esponjitas... I gots LOTS more scrubbing to do!)

But honestly, with lots o' talk of STDs and HIV buzzing around me lately, coupled by the fact that I recently watched Philadelphia AND the episode of 90210 when that young woman speaks to Brenda's health class about how she got AIDS at 16 by having unprotected sex with some Law Student loser, when I even THINK of sleeping with someone, FOR REAL, all I keep thinking is: "Where are your papers? Hand them over... Matter fact, let's have our first date at the clinic, mmkay?"

Besides, call me crazy, but I don't think I want meaningless sex anymore, no more FWBs or swinger party invites or casual hook-ups; I'm just not into it anymore. Unless you're my man it AIN'T gonna happen, and funny thing? I'm not ready for a man.

See the problem here? Yeah, me, too.

So, yeah, I'll be chillin here in the cut for the time being, eating my feelings and keeping myself busy with projects and babies and books and floor scrubbing... just me and my coochie cobwebs... because we all know about idle hands and shit. That's how K got here...

*smooches...wondering if I can break my own record and make it to a year*
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would I get a prize if I go a year? 'Cause I like prizes... and can my prize be a penis?

HUMBLED!...And Other Musings...

Love the picture posts, eh? Well, here's another (but, sorry- no boob shots this time *wink*).

Isn't He Dead?
Saw this sticker, more than once, on the city streets:



What does that mean? Why has the posse formed? Are they dangerous? Should I be worried? ANDRE! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME???

A Brown AND Black Pair
Some homeless dude just hit the jackpot on MacDonald and Albermarle:



These shoes were just siting outside the Foodtown. Just sitting there. No owners in sight. Unless they were invisible. OMG- INVISIBLE MEN IN LOAFERS!! IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!! I have to move...

We Ate Their Faces Off
These cupcakes:



were a hit at N's school fair. And I wonder HOW I gained this recent weight. HMPH! Damn bunny rabbit cupcake and its damn marshmallow teeth...

That's RACIST!
Why come the Dominican chicken gotta be "NEGRO" AND have a typo



but the Ecuadorian one is all fancy with cilantro! I'm boycotting!! WHO'S WITH ME?!?!

HUMBLED!
So I've billed myself as the Dominican Julia Childs a few times. Except, yesterday morning I tried to poach an egg



...and it didn't quite work out.

SHUT. UP.

The Only Way To Fix It Is To Start Over
See this woman here:



She kept doing that to her hair like every 30 seconds the WHOLE TIME we were on the train. Stuck between stations because of ANOTHER signal problem at Bergen St. I was so annoyed by her fruitless grooming efforts that I almost went off on her. I seriously had to hold back!

Gold Capri Stretch Pants?
Really?



Who was the GENIUS who green-lit the GOLD CAPRI STRETCH PANTS? I have a bitch slap right here with his name on it. What's worse is that she paired it with BLACK STOCKINGS.

What the hell, lady? I just threw up a little in my mouth...

*smooches...armed and dangerous with my camera phone*
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don't ever act a fool in front of me, stranger or not, because I take my phone everywhere, and I'm not afraid to take pictures with it, either!!