Waiting To Excavate: A One-Scene Play

Friend: Do they make meds for "Shiftless Negro Syndrome?"
Me: No. Scientists are too busy trying to control our wombs to worry about that.
Friend: I need them up out my uterus. They can work on that.
Me: All the way out.

Me: *walks into uterus, sees a bunch of scientists, clergy, and politicians* "Umm, hello? Do I know you? How'd you get in here?"
Them: "The door was open..."
Me: BULL. SHIT.
Them: "It's for your own good"

Friend: *smh*

Me: (as Bernadine) "GET YO SHIT... GET YO SHIT, AND GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Friend: O_O!!! You know she set shit on fire after that.
Me: Mhmm. I'm OK with that. I already had babies.

*smooches...ready to bring this show to Congress*
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they'll give me the floor, right?

So This Happened: "Because Tuesday."

Last night was one of those ONLY IN NY nights that, if you're not from here, you don't know what I mean or how awesome it feels. And let's be real- NYC is turning into one big touristy mall that sickens me to my core, HOWEVER, once in a blue Tuesday, it's old NY where the drinks are cheap and the laughs are plentiful and all the strangers on the street are your new best friends.

And so, to that end, here's a photo I found on my phone this morning, presented without additional commentary or explanation. I call this piece "Because Tuesday."

*smooches...loving NY again*
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at least until my bank statement comes in...

Countdown To Middle Age

Hello, Thirty-Nine!

Tres leches cake at Sazón that'll make you
wanna slap your momma!

*smooches...enjoying life*
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I rarely get to say that and mean it, but right now, I am enjoying life.

Wherein I Share Tweets About Vaginas

*smooches...wondering why my vagina and I are enemies*
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maybe I should attend a workshop?

Throwback Thursday, 4.10.14

So there's this thing that Instagram users have been doing for a while now called Throwback Thursday, where you post a pic of yourself from back in the day. Well, I don't have an Instagram account, but I love to share old pics and reminisce about the old days (while sitting in a rocker sipping some ginger tea). We're gonna give this thing a try over here in Jaded-Town, okay?

Here's a photo of Little Mari and my cousins Vanessa and Jorge Luis. If you squint your eyes and look in the back, there's me (in the big ass pink socks) and Nina, sittin' all fancy like we own the park.

Acostas in full chill mode.

I can only imagine this was taken shortly after I first met Nina; I think I was 14 or 15. Socks and watches were my thing--don't ask me why because I couldn't tell you. My mom sent me to Lawrence, Massachusetts to, I suspect, get me away from a certain boy I was low-key dating. It was supposed to be a punishment but SURPRISE, I made a BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE in Nina, and her mom is one of my favorite aunties.

Also, please look deep into Lil Mari's face. You just KNOW she was up to NO GOOD that day!

*smooches...in love with memory lane*
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can I live here forever?

The Best Movie Ending Song EVER

If you haven't seen Dazed and Confused, you're a loser, because it's one of the funniest, funniest, funniest movies of all time! OF ALL TIME!

But I'm not here to talk about the movie (maybe later if I decide to start reviewing films again), I want to talk about the soundtrack: chock-full of classic rock, baby!!

I've been known to really get into a groove when "Rock n Roll Hoochie Koo" plays, and please, if you don't drop what you're doing and sing "Cherry Bomb" whenever it comes on, I truly have to question your reason for living. And I mean who hasn't written tear-stained diary entries to "Love Hurts" once or twice?

But this song, this goddamn Lynyrd Skynyrd song that just penetrates my soul and takes a hold of me every-fucking-time, is the absolute most perfect song to play while a movie is ending and the credits are rolling:

Tuesday's Gone - Lynyrd Skynyrd


Don't get me wrong, I like my films to have substance and be witty and well-written, acted and directed, but if it can ALSO have a bangin' soundtrack? Sheeeiiitttt that's the holy grail right there!

...
...
...

OK, OK, stop begging! I'll post a clip from the movie already. SHEESH!

(this is the classic Matthew McConaughey "Wooderson" scene)


*smooches...taking a break from soca*
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I need a bit of something new for a while now that Carnival season has died down

We're All Women. It's Science.

You heard it here first, girlies.



*smooches...trying to erase the claymation vag-to-penis transformation from my mind*
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although it was kind of funny

If You Want It You Got It

"Here is the thing. Yoga is not about bliss, but about honesty. Spirituality is not certainty, but the longing of the heart. Enlightenment is not ‘letting go’ of bad feelings, but understanding them, what they’re doing to us, and how they are expressed in the body." -Karin L. Burke

I'll be giving it a go again this weekend. Clearly I was in the wrong mindset before. Maybe this time it will stick.



If Lenny Kravits was my yoga instructor, though, I'd NEVER quit again!

*smooches...not so much inspiration for you but for me*
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I mean, it IS all about me anyway, always, every time

La Doña Turned 90

On Saturday, the babies and I (and Mami, Mari and Mari's dad) trekked up to Cypress Hills to attend the celebration of my Penzo Grandmother's 90th birthday. Now those that know me and have been reading this blog for a while know that I'm not close to my Penzo family; nothing personal, really, I just wasn't raised with them as closely as I was raised with my mother's family. I never formed a tight bond with them as a whole, although I do care for some of my aunts and uncles and cousins very much. So you can only imagine that the thought of that many Penzos in one room at one time was just too much for me, and I didn't want to go.

But listen, part of being a grown up is not just "doing whatever you want" as I previously mentioned, it's also doing what's right. This lady turned 90. How many people get to do that? If all she wanted for her birthday was to be surrounded by her family, then I needed to set aside my own comfort level and gift her that. Perhaps in the end what I wanted to do was make an old lady happy.

Besides, she's never been mean to me or my babies. The least I could do was swing by and say "hey!"See, it's not that I don't like her, I just never had or took the time to get close to her. I respect her gangsta, you know, so even though the babies were extra stank and it was a $30 cab ride away, we went.

And I'm glad we did. She seemed truly happy at her party, and I'd like to think that in some tiny way I helped make that happen by just showing up and wishing her a happy birthday. I really hope it made her night to look out at the reception hall and see all the children she has begotten. It's not something I will ever experience (seeing as I only have two kids and she had, like, a baker's dozen!) but it was kind of special to witness it first-hand.

This is what 90 looks like in my family.

*smooches...wondering what my 90th bday bash would look like*
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alls I know is, I'd better still have enough teeth to enjoy some Buffalo wings when the time comes!

On Divorce...

"The hardest part is realizing you're in charge." -Helen Bishop, "Mad Men"

I'm heavily into this show right now, years and years later. That line spoke to me like no other.

When I split from my ex, I knew it was the right thing to do. Still, I'd been accustomed to someone else always taking the reigns in my life. It was a bucket of ice-cold water to the face to check the Head of Household box on my tax documents. Dude, I was the decision-maker. Me. Moi. If it went well then YAY for me. If it failed there was no one to blame except Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

When people ask me for advice about ending their marriage, I always tell them to really think it through. Not only because I strongly believe you have to try everything to save your relationship before you walk away (quitters never win!) but because the aftermath is something only the strong will survive.

*smooches...counting myself among the strong*
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I consider not shacking up with someone shortly after my divorce as winning. take that statement however you want to take it.

A Dedication To Me, Myself, and I... And All The Other Voices, Too

I've been mistreating my body, mind and soul lately, feeding it all sorts of crap and not letting it have any fun or giving it room to breathe.

I heard this song today and sort of renewed vows with myself.

Back in Love Again - LTD


From here on out, it's a celebration of my love for me; NO SHRINK NECESSARY.

*smooches...getting my funk on*
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if you managed to stay in your seat while listening to that song, we can't be friends

Before Latinos Had Reggaeton...

...they ruled the airwaves with freestyle/house music.

Man do I remember those days! Here in NYC I think you can still relive the 90s house & freestyle era on WKTU (if the station's format hasn't changed. I don't listen to radio anymore. Commercials make me break out in hives!).

Need your memory jogged? Here are some of my favorites:

Geroge Lamond - "Where Does That Leave Love"


TKA - "Louder Than Love"


Corina - "Give Me Back My Heart"


2 in a Room - "Wiggle It"


Sweet Sensation - "Sincerely Yours"


Cover Girls - "My Heart Skips a Beat"


Do you have any near and dear to your heart?

*smooches...kickin' it old school today*
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did you peep this fashion, though? craziness!

Jaded Photographs: March 2013 Edition

"Pancake Weekends"

Sometimes I look at pictures of Fat Raquel and think HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?! But then I take a moment and remind myself that Fat Raquel is losing the battle for my life; Healthy Jaded is winning for sure. It's a crazy-tough battle, but Fat Raquel honestly doesn't stand a chance!

*smooches...opting to always be everything Fat Raquel was not*
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I did used to make some kick-ass pancakes, though...

It's A Perfect Day For Letting Go

You're holding on to some resentment about something, I can tell. I know you are because frankly, I am, too. It's normal. A lot of us do. But guess what--today is as good a day as any to move past it. Forgive someone. Forgive yourself. Choose a path that offers you peace of mind, body and soul. More than likely the person you're stressing over or holding a grudge against isn't even thinking about you. So why should you get an ulcer over something that, in the end, probably doesn't matter?

I invite you all to step away and unplug for at least 20 mins for a moment of simple meditation. Think about that bad feeling that you refuse to let go of and release it. Purge it from your self. Breathe in the good, exhale the bad.



Do this every day if you find it works for you, because everyone deserves moments of peace. Even you.

*smooches...reminding myself to meditate, too*
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let's all make an effort, shall we?

Tengo Mucho Hot

I don't have much to share today: I have less than a month to reduce a back-fat situation for Cathi's wedding and my MRI resulted in sorta crappy news, but I bought another Juan Luis Guerra CD and decided you needed more reminders of his awesomeness.











That should keep you busy for a few minutes.

*smooches...shaking it all over my kitchen*
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merengue is so fabulous. always.

Patchen Avenue Memories

Cooking "Dominican" food always reminds me of my grandmother. Almost everything I learned in the kitchen I learned from watching her. My mom taught me lots, of course, but mostly my skills can be traced back to hovering over grandma in the kitchen because I was STARVING and yelling "When is dinner going to be ready!" over her shoulder.

(Please note that I got home from school by 3PM and dinner was always ready by 4:30, and I always had some cookies or a PB&J sandwich with milk after school. So I was just being greedy!)

Yesterday the homie Tiffany opened up her kitchen so that I could commemorate the Oscars and the last week of New York's Dominican Heritage Month with some traditional-esque cuisine.

Please trust that Grandma used dry beans, not canned stuff.
She was an OG that way.
(c) 2013 Tiffany via Instagram lol

As she and the others asked me questions about my process, it dawned on me that a lot of it is stuff Grandma used to do (a salt wash for the tostones and sealing the rice pot w/aluminum foil) and Mami taught me to do (stab the raw meat so the seasonings seep INTO the meat and not just onto the skin), and then the kitchen smelled like cooking oil and VOILA- I was a kid again pestering Grandma about the ETA of my dang grub!

This also brings up other memories of growing up in that huge railroad apartment in the heart of Bedford-Stuyvesant Brooklyn, especially after sharing a lot of those details this weekend during my little talk at Church of Monika, like:

> Riding bikes indoors because we couldn't go outside
> Hosting a variety show in the living room (with an invisible audience, of course)
> Giving nicknames to the regulars who passed by our window (Flower Boy, Portia [Porcupine], Rainbow Brite)
> Watching The Exorcist in the living room under a blanket after Titi Gloris got us cable
> Hand-washing my clothes in the bathroom sink, regardless of them going into the washer or not

It was a pretty good life, I must say, and I have amazing memories to last me a lifetime. I hope my kids will feel the same when I'm gone.

*smooches...very aware of everything all of a sudden*
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and so looking forward to going "home" next month

I'm Practicing The Art Of Shutting Up

"Before you speak, ask yourself, is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?" -Sai Baba

I like to be right, and I especially like being right loudly and in front of the person I'm proving wrong. It's fun and makes me feel superior. Don't act like I'm the only one.

But maybe, just maybe, sometimes it's OK to let someone be wrong and learn a lesson and leave it alone without dancing a jig to the tune of "I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG" all the time. Sometimes just throw up a little, "Wow, I'm sorry to hear that," and keep your smug right-ness to yourself. Then go home and play some music real loud and replace all the lyrics with I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG in the privacy of your own space.

Just something I thought about as I pondered how best to improve myself this year.

*smooches...speaking softly and carrying a big machete*
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I think I'll have that put on a plaque and hang it on my front door

What Will Keep Me Happy This Week

On Friday I learned that my social security number had been compromised, my road-trip plans with Irene were thwarted by vandals and that I didn't get a prestigious grant for which I had applied. And then two literary journals declined my stories over the weekend.

Let me tell you- this weekend had all the makings of a Bad Decision Smorgasbord: booty-calling an ex or two, eating some McDonald's (which I haven't done in years!) and canceling my writing life altogether. Good thing my girls were home this weekend, because instead I went food shopping, finally picked out a dress for Cathi's impending nuptials and other random chore-like things.

It was a struggle to stay positive (especially because I had to leave the house with a naked face on Sunday to get the perfect shade of foundation at Sephora, and I try to never leave the house with a naked face anymore) but I must say, an unexpected thing kept me in high spirits: when my long-time friends call me Rocky.

Not to dismiss the people I've met since 2006 when I moved into my own place, but when someone I knew in high school or college touches base with me and calls me Rocky, I'm transported back to the time when I was that girl, the one I'm just getting back to. For a while there I was Raquel or Ms. Penzo and I hated it. It was too formal and grown up and I'm too playful for all that. I was Rocky from third grade on and then all of a sudden, that girl disappeared. It was sad.

Today, I see signs of that girl again. She looks older and more tired than I recall, but she wasn't getting much sleep back then so I'm not surprised. Still, I see her. And it feels amazing!

That's enough to put a smile on my face well into Saturday.

*smooches...plotting to freeze your underwear when you fall asleep*
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don't ask why; I just felt like it

Like A Handprint On Her Heart

Sometimes, in the middle of all the crazy and the stress, I take a step back, a deep breath and take it all in. Ten years ago I was still married, living in Riverdale with a third grader and a toddler and a pretty decent job as a program assistant at Horace Mann School, and taking writing classes at CCNY. I thought it was a comfortable place to be in life. There was a nasty undercurrent of unhappiness, yes, but like a true recovering Catholic, I still knew how to swallow the bad feelings and put on a happy face.

Today, I don't have it all together and most days I don't know how I'll survive to see another day under the crushing weight of my responsibilities, but I make it happen. I truly amaze myself with how cunning and creative and strong I can be, even if I doubt myself every step along the way. And honestly, if I could do all over again I would NEVER have kids, and that's the honest-to-your-Judeo-Christian-god truth. However, seeing my girls, almost all grown up, on a good path in life and pretty much each other's comfort in this world, keeps me grounded and relaxed in times of struggle. If I can make them alright then I will be alright and then everything will be alright.

I can't believe they were ever teeny-tiny babies.
Yes, there is a five-year age difference.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good"

*smooches...taking comfort in a continuous job well-done*
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yes, those lyrics are from Wicked. Yes, we're seeing it again this spring. Yes you can come with us. No I won't buy your ticket.

Musical Interlude 2.13.13

I watched a beautiful short film by Ava DuVernay on Tuesday:



and the soundtrack instantly reminded me how wonderful Goapele's voice is. I just bought the album on which this song is found because Fuck Yeah, that's why!



Carnival just ended, so I suppose it's OK for me to concentrate on something other than soca music for a little bit. Especially after watching the Grammy's on Sunday and actually liking a couple of the tunes I heard performed. That is until my soca boo-loves bring their acts to the US; then it's back to jumping and waving as per usual.

Have you heard any music that's good, cool, amazing or life-changing lately? Leave it in the comments!

*smooches...sharing because you need more culture in your life*
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I'm just assuming...