It's My Season Of Doing Tough Things, I Guess.

Committing myself to yoga every day.

Committing myself to my craft and literary dreams.

Committing myself to make my loved ones a priority (I'm struggling with this one, but I promise I'm working on it).

Committing myself to (re)learning the inner workings of this land, and moving toward a better future for my kids. And by MY kids I mean YOUR kids, too. Starting now.

I went to my very first ever vigil-turned-rally on Thursday night, and I'm not sure I can describe it yet. I need to let it sink in and play it over in my head and cry about it and fuss about it, and then the words will come. And since I have this forum, I will share my thoughts then. I can say it was weird to be a part of this, knowing I haven't personally been touched by any sort of similar trauma or injustice. For a person of my brown-ness, I've managed a pretty privileged life. I actually felt like an impostor standing there, so I kept quiet and observed, which, as a writer, I suppose is more my speed.

Still, I'm committing myself to this cause because, unlike my previous mindset, all of these kids could easily be my kids. Or my friend's kids. Or my cousin's kids. So I'm in, y'all. I'm in. I mean, I already loathe The Man, might as well do something about him.

I have such a long road ahead that part of me is all "FUCK IT! We started too late! Just get back on your sofa and watch TV and wait for death!" But nah, I'm going to choose life, and every ugly, bumpy, loud, uncomfortable, tedious, and beautiful thing that comes along for the ride. Not sure what my role will be, where the path will lead, but I will use whatever skills, talents, and resources within my grasp to do whatever needs to be done.



Imagine the stories I'll have to tell my grandbabies!

*smooches...wishing you well on your own journey*
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xoxo

Laughs & Truths

So once again I want to point out that my favorite podcast, The Read, needs to be your favorite podcast, too.

This week's episode is full of the usual shenanigans, but also discusses the Zimmerman trial (and in case you're all "Ugh, I'm tired of hearing about this stupid trial!" well guess what- I'm tired of our black sons dying necessarily and the law saying it's OK. So there's that.).

And one point in particular, made by @Crissle during her read, stuck out to me the most: the idea of respectability politics, which can be defined as "a deliberate concession to mainstream societal values" in order to gain favor with the perceived "majority." I'll let you listen for yourself; start at 55:38 for Crissle's read and get your life.



I've been there, siding against my brethren regardless of the details just to keep the eyes off of me and not become a target myself. And mostly because remember, I denied my blackness for a big chunk of my life. Whenever blacks were portrayed negatively on the news or, you know, EVERYWHERE, I distinctly remember thinking "well that's not me because I went to a good school and I follow the rules and I do what I'm supposed to. Plus, I'm Dominican; I'm not even black!" Knowing damn well my black-ass was black.

So I connected to what Crissle was saying, and I understand both sides of the coin, but still, my black brothers and sisters: I urge you to wake up. Let's not turn against each other.

Amen and good day.

*smooches...growing and healing*
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reflecting on my own black guilt during these hard-as-fuck times

Wherein I Complain About The Election

I'm going to make this quick because I'm making myself physically ill worrying about what's happening around me, and the last thing I need is another reason for my liver to stop working properly.

As a rule, I don't trust politicians. Most of the time, they're in the business of getting or staying elected and rarely have time to actually keep their empty promises. I voted in the last election because I was beyond done with what Bush and his cohorts had done. I didn't particularly care for Obama but McCain was just more "Bush" and I couldn't get behind that.

This time around, and in the last four years, the climate in this country has been an embarrassment. The campaign season has been filled with kindergarten-style antics and finger pointing on both sides and I'm done. But what's really troubling is the BLATANT attack on a sitting president because he is Black. And don't come at me and say I'm being too sensitive or it's not true. I call BULLSHIT on all your reasons and excuses.

Whenever I hear a Romney supporter say they're ready to get "a REAL American and a REAL patriot" back in the office, all I see is "GET THAT FUCKING NIGGER OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE." It makes me so angry that I can't even describe what comes over me except that I can't focus and my breathing becomes labored and without even realizing it I clench my jaw and ball up my fists.

This can't be the same America I used to be proud to be from! For a trillion years it's been OK for a White man- who doesn't represent ME- to hold the office, but now that it's a Black man who doesn't represent "them" it's World War III. Well kiss my ENTIRE ass.

Either man the fuck up and say what you really mean, or swallow this bitter pill and have a seat. Either way, know that I'm on to you. I can read between the lines and decode your hidden agendas.

I'll see you at the polls.

*no smooches...that is all*
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really considering whether to "love it or leave it"

Not Just Gang Members, Human Beings

This weekend I watched the documentary Crips and Bloods: Made in America, and let me tell you...I cried. I'll explain.

See, I'm of the school of "Don't give the cops a reason and you'll be FINE" and have never really put any credence in the ghetto mentality of The Man keeping "us" down. I grew up in the ghetto in the heart of the crack era and it didn't keep me down. I always joke about The Man, but I've never considered him a real threat.

Enter this fakakta documentary.



I was sitting there listening to these former and current gang member discuss their experiences and world views and you know what? I get it. If I had been told, at any point in my life, that I couldn't do something just because of the color of my skin or because of where I live, I would be bitter, too. If I had been stopped by the police everyday just for not being in my own neighborhood, I'd be angry, too. If my neighbors and kids were being gunned down in the street everyday while the cops did nothing to really prevent it, I'd feel hopeless, too. And if my environment offered no opportunities to better my situation, I'd give no fucks about life, too.

And if there was no one around to tell me about my options, offering me a way out, and only found comfort and protection from a local gang, I'd see no problems with making violence my way of life, too. I'd barely feel human!

These are young men and women being born into and growing up in a culture of constant harassment and poverty and depression, contained by invisible walls. And just outside that wall is freedom and happiness, but god forbid you cross the wrong street.

One former gang member said it best, when discussing the Watts and LA riots, stating that the police and National Guard didn't scare them because they were used to a cycle of guns and violence every damn day. The riots were just an extension of that. I couldn't even imagine that kind of life. I could hold back my tears no more.

The documentary did highlight the grassroots efforts afoot to help get these kids off the streets and out of the cross-hairs of the LAPD, and it did offer some hope, but without the backing of city, state and federal officials and funding, it's barely a drop in the bucket.

Toward the end, one former Crip, in an effort to reach the young gang members, looks into the camera with tears in his eyes (so of course by now I'm inconsolable) and says:

"Your reward for gang-banging is to be crippled, lamed, for life. Your greatest reward is life, plus forty years. Your ultimate reward for gang-banging is death. And you don't come back from that."

But after watching the documentary, though, I have to ask...what if death is better than what you have to come back to? Wouldn't gang-banging be a walk in the clouds?

*smooches...finally getting it*
---------
also, fuck the PO-lice!

Things That Are President Obama's Fault, Vol. 1

• My depression
• The car accident that killed Sen. Robert McCallister on "Brothers & Sisters"
• The U.S. men's gymnastics team losing the gold at the London Games
• "Call Me Maybe" being stuck in my head all the time
• iPods' short shelf-life
• Mr. Marcus knowingly spreading syphilis to other porn actors
• People who speak loudly into their cellphones on the bus
• Cloudy days
• The new Barclay's Center at Atlantic Terminal
• Snookie

*smooches...scapegoating like a mofo*
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when in doubt, blame the Black man; isn't that how it goes? 

Troll Logic

K: I prefer Castro [over Trujillo].

ME: Why? Because he wasn't assassinated?

K: No, because his ghost is still in power.

*smooches...sort of afraid of my creation*
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I did this; it's all my fault. I'm sorry.

And NOW It's Officially Summer

Nothing reminds me of hot weather and the 4th of July more than the film Dazed and Confused, especially this scene:



Enjoy this midweek break, courtesy of our tax-evading founding fathers.

*smooches...wishing I had Wednesday off every week
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I'd get so much work done, man...

What's Your Point Again?

By now we've all been inundated with reports about protests down on Wall Street (and apparently in other NYC locations and states), but I'm wondering how many of us even know WHY they're protesting?

Personally I have no clue why these random hippies have decided to camp out near my favorite Sephora store and Halal food carts, but rumor has it they're mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore! They are the 99%, GODDAMMIT, and they will be heard!!! About what? Your guess is as good as mine.

I've been to their website and read what I could but still, all I've learned is that there are lots of unemployed degree-holders in these streets and that corporate America is a mean ol' poopie-faced meanie.

Whatever it is that's got these unemployed Harvard grads' panties in a bunch, it can't help that they appear to be rather disorganized. I even asked around and I got the same answer- they're not doing anything other than sitting in and occupying a public space. How are you protesting for MONTHS and don't have an actual plan of action? Didn't you go to school? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU KEEP BITCHING ABOUT- your over-priced education that no one forced you to take out loans for and now you don't feel like paying back? Then put something on paper! What are your demands, Blake? What are you going to do if those demands aren't met, Tristan? What exactly do you want Wall Street to do to get you to shower and quit ruining the sacred WTC money machine memorial so that King Bloomberg can continue to pimp us out to tourists from Omaha, Becky?

"...they are as a whole uninformed about things. And not addressing the real issues- racism, sexism, classism- because they are too busy beating on drums." -The F#$k-it List

That's what this protest is missing- a clear plan made up of possible solutions to the real problems affecting our economy. Until there is one I doubt the Wall Street fat cats will take them seriously. You're not hitting them where it hurts, crazy hippies, so they'll continue to step over you after the market closes, down some sushi & beer on John Street, run to catch the PATH train and head home to their fancy NJ estate.

And you will continue to be the butt of every joke.

*smooches...99 percent sure you haven't occupied shit, hippies*
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call me when the protest gets real; I have a couple of vacation days I can take & a tambora I can borrow from N.

And shout out to Russell "Blood Diamond" Simmons and Kanye "Imma Let You Finish" West for standing with the hippies in solidarity. For a couple of hours before they flew off in a private jet and feasted on Taiwanese virgins. #sarcasm

"An Eye For An Eye Makes The Whole World Blind"

I do not support capital punishment.

Whether or not you followed the Troy Davis case from the beginning or just heard of it two days ago like I did, it doesn't change the fact that our judicial system is disgustingly flawed and we as Americans need to do something about it. We elected these DAs and judges and government officials; let's hold them accountable.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

*no smooches today...not in the mood*
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so I'll be seeing you at the polls in November, correct?

Dear Rep. Pete DeGraaf (R-Kansas),

I'm sure this isn't the first letter of its kind you've received since making the comment that, and I'm paraphrasing, "women should prepare for rape-pregnancy with abortion-only insurance same as one would prepare for accidental death with life insurance or for a flat tire by keeping a spare in the trunk." Did I get that right? I'm sure I did because I read the article quoting your insensitive remarks about four times to make sure I'd read it correctly.

Much to my dismay, yes, you did equate being violated and assaulted to getting a flat tire. And I'm trying to figure out if it's that you hate women or the power we have to create life (or not)? Is that what propels you to have the audacity to think YOU and others of your ilk should be in charge of MY reproductive organs?

But I'm getting off point. I'm not here to debate whether it's right or wrong for women to have abortions because that will get us nowhere. You're clearly against them and I'm clearly pro-choice. I would just like to know who hurt you in your life so badly that you could be so flippant about the traumatic after-effects of a rape?

What will it take for you and your cohorts to see that, in your mad rush to shove your patriarchal, archaic and chauvinistic agendas down the throats of American women, you are doing them a great disservice? You're all so focused on how to circumvent Roe vs. Wade that you'd spit on a rape victim's feelings to get your way? You'd deny a poor woman medical attention just to get your way?

This stopped being about abortion a long time ago. Admit it. Now it's about control and how to get most of it in your corner. The thing is, Rep. DeGraaf, while you're all playing politics with our collective uterus, we're suffering, we're dying and we're losing faith in our government. If that was your goal all along then let me be the first to applaud you. You're well on your way to victory.

Sincerely,
Raquel I. Penzo
American Citizen
Supporter of Women's Rights
Registered Voter

They Be Strategic, We Be Reactionary

The other night I watched Signs again, and **SPOILER ALERT** in the basement scene, when Mel Gibson and company are trying to escape the alien invaders, he says, “They’re just making noise. They’re trying to distract us…keep our attention on the door.” He was right, too, because seconds later another alien tried to gain access to the basement through an old coal chute located in the corner.

Shortly after I watched the film, someone wrote a letter to the Brooklyn Public Library stating that, according to state law, there is supposed to be a flag flying outside of each branch building.

My initial reaction was WHO THE FUCK CARES? Especially with so many other serious things happening in the world, why is this person making such a hubbub- contacting the media with an open letter on his website- about flags?

Then it dawned on me: it’s a diversionary tactic. And I extrapolated it to what I think the entire tea party is doing to us right now, strategically making noise about bullshit, meanwhile someone is sneaking in through the old coal chute in the corner of the basement.

Our mistake was thinking that they’re dumb rednecks who hate democrats and colored people. From what I've seen they're cunning, organized and have a very strategic agenda. I don't pretend to know much about politics, either- this is just a layman's observation from the outside looking in.

And I don't know about you but I'm kind of scared at what that will mean for us as a nation. Y'all keep fuckin' around and next thing you know: President Palin is killin' moose all up and through the White House.

*smooches...rethinking this whole "Black President" thing*
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I guess we weren't ready 'cause people done lost their god damned mind since Obama took office. damn shame, too. just a damn shame.

I Might Vote Again This Year! ***UPDATE***

***SORRY, BUT DUE TO ILLNESS, THIS SHOW HAD TO BE CANCELED. STILL LOVE YOU, THOUGH!***


The first time I voted was in the most recent presidential election...and look how GREAT that turned out *rolls eyes* Still, I'll be at the polls again tomorrow because for New York it's a biggie- we're choosing a new governor. And I don't know about the rest of the state but Paterson gets on my DAMN nerves and chances are he won't be getting any support from the Jaded Empire.

So of course tonight's Monday Musings is all about VOTING and the many reasons why you should with our fabulous co-host, The F$%k-It List.



Listen, I used to be like you, apathetic to the Washington machine, preaching the whole, "my vote doesn't make a difference" schpiel but UGH! I gotta voice my opinions on term limits AND get that lame duck Paterson out of Albany before he destroys my home state!

Won't you tune in tonight, and spread the word to your non-voting friends? Gracias!!

*smooches...taking a moment to make a difference*
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and I promise to keep the conspiracy theory talk to a minimum. PROMISE!!

Happy Hour Invite + Government Conspiracies!

Need More DRANKS In Yo Life?
A few weeks ago Ms KarrieB was guest bartending at a spot in the Financial District and of course, as I do for ALL my bartending buddies, I went to support. While there, I gave the hostess my email so they could send me event information, etc and guess what?? I won a free happy hour!

The deal is: from 6-8PM, all of my drinks are free, and anyone who says my name at the door will get a wristband which entitles them to 1/2 price drinks during my happy hour. COOL, RIGHT?!

So if you didn't kill your liver with Cinco de Mayo festivities, peek in at 1834 Bar & Burger, located at 62 Pearl Street in Manhattan, from 6-8PM. I will be there, eating my weight in Buffalo wings and demanding all sorts of drinks that don't go together.

------------------

I Didn't Want To Be Right
You've all heard about that "bomb" in Times Square by now, right? Right. Show of hands, how many actually believed that malarkey the police & the media were trying to force feed us? NOT I!! You know my policy on the government. Oh, you don't? THEY LIE! And this story just didn't make any sense.

Think about it: terrorist bombers all over the world successfully blow shit up in crowded areas all the time. You want me to believe that this bomb fizzled by chance? No, my brother, let me tell you the REAL story.

That bomb was a plant. By the government. Placed in a busy corner of Times Square where it was sure to get noticed and reported and "investigated" by the police. News was to spread like wildfire scaring the bejeezus out of citizens who'd already begun to put 9/11 behind them. And for what? MONEY. So that Bloomberg and the Feds can justify an increase in "defense funds." If you think I'm lying, check the news and see where Bloomberg was on Wednesday. GO ahead, I'll wait.

...
...
...

Did you see? YUP. Bloomberg was in Washington, DC, asking for MORE MONEY for HOMELAND SECURITY. I can't make this stuff up. The best part is the poor patsy they got to take the fall... dude lost everything, which I'm sure made him the perfect target for the government conspiracy. Well I'm calling BULLSHIT on this WHOLE operation...fuck what y'all think!

*smooches...wondering if it's the liquor that has me all loca in the cabeza*
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nah, I'm right. The govt is out to get us all. and YES your precious Obama is in on it, too!!

When Advertising Pisses Me Off

I haven't had a decent rant in a long time. For the most part I try not to make my blood pressure rise to unimaginable levels but you know what? Sometimes people be TESTING me.

Like the geniuses behind THIS ad.



NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. Abortion is going to change you. It's going to make you not be pregnant anymore. DUH-MOTHERFUCKING-UH! This upset me for two reasons. One, it's assuming that women are stupidly opting for surgical solutions to pregnancy all willy-nilly. This advertisement is allowing a few harlots make the rest of us who make INFORMED decisions seem careless and mindless.

And two because they're making it seem like your whole world will implode and melt away into the sewer after you have an abortion. As if afterward you will find yourself wondering aimlessly through the world, feeling like something is missing until you realize... *cue violins* "I had an abortion. And it changed me!"

*side eye*

UGH... the propaganda I have to deal with on an otherwise yuppie-free train ride...

Listen, I'm not trying to make light of the situation. Deciding to get an abortion is real serious shit for sure. And maybe a handful of women fall apart after the procedure. But this ad just makes my skin crawls; there has to be a better non-retarded way to offer pregnancy counseling.

This shit right here? It SCREAMS of the Religious Right inching their way into my uterus and lookie here- I already got some damn fibroids and scar tissue residing in there- ain't no room for no more motherfuckers.

Especially religious ones.

*smooches...missing the days of Dr. Zizmor ads on the subway*
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remember him, the skin guy? is he still around? I could stand to see him for a quick consultation...

I'm A Icon Bitch I Thought You Knew...And Other Musings...

Hello my lovelies! How have you been? Me, a little better. Better enough to let go of my blogging hiatus and come back to my online family. Ready? Let's GO!

Holy Health Care Reform, Batman!
I'm sure you've all been paying attention to this Health Care Reform thing, right? It was all anyone on my Twitter timeline could talk about, and while I'm guessing from all the brou-haha that this is a good thing, I won't be able to really choose a side until I read the legislation in full.

But let's say for the sake of argument this IS a good thing and it WILL be a good thing for this country... does this mean I'll be able to get me some medical marijuana and Uncle Sam will pay for it? What? Oh, like you weren't wondering the same damn thing...

I'm A Icon Bitch I Thought You Knew
This is usually where I play some Ludacris to welcome you back to my blog, but this time I decided to pick a different artist... Trina. I don't know why this song brings me joy, I really don't know, but when it comes on my iPod I've been known to act a fool.



Spring Hair, Bitchez!!
Big shout out to my baby sis who hooked me up with the killer mother-fucking haircut.



Yeah, you're seeing correctly: I GOT MY BANGS BACK! And aren't they divine? I'm already hearing them speak to me, and they are RAUNCH-EE! I feel so sorry for the men in my life. Well, correction, the GOOD-LOOKING men in my life, because my bangs are big ol sluts and are already plotting to molest the whole lot of them.

Yes, The Ex Is Gonna Be On The Show
You asked, I delivered; K & N's father agreed to co-host Monday Musings this week. What are we discussing? Oh right like you care, like you're not going to tune in for the Coney Island freak show that you're hoping it will turn into.



But all jokes aside, we're actually going to be discussing a very serious topic: co-parenting after divorce, and I felt this was necessary after realizing that many of my blogland peoples are in not-so-great situations with their exes with babies stuck right in the middle. And that makes me sad. C and I have managed to not damage the babies too much; maybe we can help you, too.

Me And Writing Are Still Frenemies
My fifth reading (number three with La Pluma y La Tinta) was on Saturday and this time around, I have to admit- there were no butterflies. I did not throw up. My voice barely trembled as I shared one of my babies with those gathered. I think I've finally gotten the knack of this "writer" lifestyle.

Oh yeah, we're writers!

Except I keep having anxiety attacks about the well running dry. I want to make new babies but my muse is still on vacation. This not only means no new pieces but it also means the babies that already exist aren't getting the nurture the need to be really great.

Folks, I may have to start smoking weed again...where's my print-out of that darned Health Care Reform bill?

*smooches...only half-joking about the drugs*
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just so we're clear: things are still mega-shitty over here but my outlook on things have improved. shout out and much love to the beautiful people in my life who've helped me de-funk my mood during this little break.

Mari Speaks On...

...my recording all of her soundbites for my blog:

"All these quotations are just smearing my name so that I can't win the presidency in Uruguay. CAMBIO!!"



*smooches...wishing you a glorius 3-day weekend!
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and if you're in NYC, hit me up... there be many parades, festivals and par-tays to hit up this weekend, and you know you love to see me drunk off my ass...

"Drove The Chevy To The Levy But The Levy Was Dry"

My misery is definitely not the type that likes company. If I'm feeling like shit and then the person next to me feels like shit I immediately try my hardest to help them see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

So it does NOT comfort me to know that I'm the only one about to have serious money trouble because employers cannot make payroll. THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA IS FREAKIN BROKE, y'all. I cannot even fathom that. Remember when getting a government job meant instant job security? No one ever figured the government would just up and go broke. Pension funds underfunded; cut-backs, lay-offs, furloughs... paying bills with IOUs... WHAT. THE. FUCK?

And it's not just Cali; there are like 10(?) other states that started the fiscal year without a budget. Really, Connecticut? Indiana? Really? Where is all your money???

I mean, can I pay Verizon with an IOU, too? How do you think Cablevision would handle it if I said, "Nah, homie, not this month, but I got you in October, for real."

This is such a sad and scary time to be an American IN America. And I can't even pack up and move anywhere because a lot of OUR money helped other places thrive. So if WE'RE broke, THEY'RE broke.

Alls I know is, it's RENT WEEK and I have to hand over a big-ass check to my landlord, and then I have to give Verizon another big ass check, and then I have to plan a birthday for N and take K to see Wicked and feed them and get them ready for school, on a salary that was already measly BEFORE my hours got cut.

I was sitting here all "woe is me" until I realized SHIT- "woe is us!!" And it didn't make me feel better, not by a long shot, but it made me scared. Then mad. Then determined not to lose my apartment or my internet service or my phone. I may have to set aside my pride (don't scoff if you see me at the market using a Benefits card... fuck all you hos 'cause my babies have to eat) but I cannot let this beat me.

And I will NOT allow it to beat you, either. For all it's faults, this is not how or why this country was founded, so let's take a page from the early settlers and help each other out, mmkay?

If you live near a bunch of your friends, buy groceries together and take turns hosting dinner. Carpool. Have a clothing exchange. If you have a special skill, share it with one another for free (i.e. I'm pretty good w/hair as long as you don't need anything to specific or complicated done. Can't afford the salon? Come over here w/your products and tools and I'll do your hair. I hate household chores... I'll trade you a hairdo for a clean kitchen or bathroom!)

Whatever it takes (within the law, of course!) do not let this beat us.

This is America, dammit. That's not how we roll!



*smooches...filling out retail job applications like a teenager*
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nobody wants to pay writers a fair wage? fine. fuck y'all. I'll just do something else. I still know how to say, "Do you want fries with that?"

They Call Me Alternate Juror #1...

But wait- I have an announcement first:

If you write fiction or creative non-fiction, reside in or near the Park Slope area and are serious about your craft, please contact me at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net. I've co-founded a writing workshop with two very talented women and am looking for 1-2 more people to join us every other Monday night for constructive criticism and feedback on submitted manuscripts. That is all.

And now the post...

As if I don't already have enough reasons for giving Obama the side eye (where my kids' reparations at, homie?), I can now add to my list of grievances:

Because I voted in the last presidential election the gu'ment found out where I was, served me with a jury summons and selected me for a criminal case.

YES. I am sitting on a criminal case... Could you just DIE?!?! They must not know 'bout me... and it's a murder case, too: JUICY! It's like a poorly-written, real life Law & Order and I can't wait until it's all over to tell you all their business.

As it stands, since I always try to stay on the "good" side of the law, I will only share with you what I can of this entire process: the jury selection.

First of all, I never realized how many ugly people reside in Kings county. Like for real, talk about the dregs of the dregs of society!

Second, NEVER go to jury duty without eating breakfast (like I did) because it can be damn near 3 o'clock before you get the chance to feed your belly (like I did). And passing out in court is NOT a good look.

Third, you know I love you a lot, right? So... I took notes (you can thank me in the comments) during the entire selection process before we got sent to the courtroom, and here are the highlights of my morning at 320 Jay Street:

1- Juror already kicked out/escorted out by cops for refusing to turn off iPod. We've only been here 20 minutes. LOVE IT! *shuts off iPod*

2- Why did ol' boy just show up hella late... in stunna shades? People- we gotta do better!

3- County Clerk had jokes: "If you no longer live in Brooklyn go see the clerk through the double doors. We're gonna make you write an essay about WHY you left Brooklyn!"

4- People are being excused for medical reasons? Does self-diagnosed manic depression count?

5- These people DO NOT have trouble understanding English... damn fakers!! How did they know to even get up just now when he asked the question?

6- Black Men: I'm gonna need for you to STOP wearing jeans with sparkly embellishments on the back pockets. That is all.

7- I'm writing a new script, "When Juries Attack." Tagline: What happens when the entire jury pool decides to take down the courts?

8- This Asian dude is named Peter Pan. Foreigners, PLEASE... research the culture before you choose your American name!

9- The judge looks and sounds like Jerry Springer. I have this urge to throw a chair and rush the stage screaming, "Keep your BLEEP BLEEP hands off my BLEEP BLEEP man, you BLEEP BLEEP!!!!!" Wait; the court officers have guns. Never mind.

10- 12PM and still no food in my belly. This bitch sitting next to me is about to lose her M&Ms. The hard way.

Now, before I went to jury duty, I got many tips on how to get myself dismissed and I was ready. But when I got there and Judge Jerry Springer spoke to us about duty and shit, and the inarticulate defense attorney said that the defendant's future was in our hands, I did feel a sense of responsibility. So instead of trying some shenanigans to get sent home, I answered truthfully from my heart.

Because when the day comes that I have to stab a fool in the jugular with a broken Stella Artois bottle, I would really like to think that the jury called to decide my case would do the same.

*smooches...actually feeling like part of the solution. for once.*
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but seriously, I can't WAIT for it to be over... you know I'm bubbling over with gossip and details, right??? UGH!!! I want to tell you so much, but I won't. I'll be good.

President Obama, I Presume?

Welcome to the White House. Many people have been anxiously awaiting your arrival, believe you me. These same people were all UP MY ASS during the elections to get me to vote n shit, and I finally did... my first election, and I even voted for you. Wasn't that super nice of me? Say thank you, dammit!

WE INTERRUPT THIS LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT TO ASK:
Did you listen to Monday Musings last night? Click here for the podcast and here for the blog. I showed my ASS for real on that one... woo! I wouldn't be surprised if people just stopped coming over here altogether after listening to me discuss race relations... only time will tell.
AND NOW BACK TO THE LETTER

So let me tell you a bit about me, Mr. President, so we can avoid some problems during your stay at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

You might find my name on a few "lists" in your office. It's cool; I earned that spot and there's no need for you to erase it or anything. But I did vote for you... just wanted to put that out there. Bush and I didn't get along so there was bad blood there; it might have affected some shit, I'm just sayin...

I talk a lot of smack about a lot of people (hence why I may be on those lists you now posses) and, well, I have no plans to stop. In fact, I've talked a lot of shit about you and I plan to continue it at my leisure.

See, while everyone else is all, "change has come, blah blah blah" I know that although your speeches are moving and your charisma undeniable, you are nothing more than a mere mortal, and a politician at that, so anything that comes out of your mouth is calculated within an inch of its life. I take it all with 50 trillion grains of salt. You're gonna have to prove shit to me; call me Doubting Thomas if you want but I'm gonna need to see your stigmata negro, or we ain't got nan one word to say to one another.

Listen- David Koresh and Jim Jones had great speeches and tons of charisma, too, so you don't impress me. I won't be sippin from your kool-aid anytime soon. I need action; enough with the words already... we get it, you're eloquent, you're educated. So am I. So is my neighbor. Hell, even my Al Qaeda landlord is! That shit is nothing new. You don't get a pass because your daddy was African.

Until you've been in office a while and have proven that you can, indeed, begin the wheels of change, to me you are just some dude who said a ton of pretty words at the right time and won the election against a really old dude and a not so old broad.

Trust me, your re-election depends on it.

*smooches...welcoming President Obama in my own Jaded way*
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did you expect anything less?? c'mon now, what are you, NEW?

"One Of These Kids Is Not Like The Other..."

Why was that the song that popped in my head when I saw this picture?



Photo source: AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Look at them, all smiles n shit, like Clinton wasn't trash talkin Obama during the primaries, like Bush Sr. ain't hatin on Clinton's smug ass, like Carter even knows what day it is, like Bush Jr. ain't counting down the minutes til he can go watch Spongebob Squarepants and like Obama isn't as high as a freakin kite wondering where he can score some Cool Ranch Doritos right quick (weed lips, people, I keep telling you...)!

I see this picture, and instead of thinking, "Wow, look at my former leaders with the future President" I'm thinking of that SNL Cartoon, The X-Presidents!

Oh please, Mr. Smigel, PLEASE have an episode planned for after Obama takes office... I NEED to see that episode!!!

*smooches...bringing "inappropriate" back...*
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it's okay, tho, I live in America and I can make fun of any elected official I want, past or present. watch me!