Showing posts with label Baby I'm a Star. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby I'm a Star. Show all posts

Thursday, August 22, 2013

I Swear I Wrote This BEFORE I Saw "The Matrix"

Cover art where my baby dwells
As my part of my now-defunct thesis (let's just call a spade a spade- I don't give two shits about finishing that shit), I wrote a short-short, "On a Blue Day," about a girl and her penchant for uppers and downers who moves back home to attend a funeral. It was just a small experimental piece that was part of an assignment I had at FDU where I had to mimic the writing style of an author I can't remember right now.

But the gist of the assignment was repetition. There had to be an element of the story that kept repeating every few lines, if not every line. So there's a lot of mention of the red uppers and blue downers throughout the barely-two-thousand-word story.

On a deeper level, this story touches upon this girl's continuous habit of self-medication, which at the time was reflecting my own way of handling a crisis- that crisis, of course, being my grandmother's death, which was still painfully fresh in my mind in 2005.

Well this poor baby had been rejected from many a flash fiction contest. I would read it over and over and think What aren't people getting? This is a good fucking story! But alas, editors from here to LA didn't feel the same, until I met a young woman named Hannah Clayman who ran a zine for women in Brooklyn, You Should Be Here. She encouraged me to submit something and, with a few hours left until deadline, I sent off the story. I think she wrote me back the next day to say they "loved(!)" my story, and I was all FINALLY! SOMEONE GETS IT!


So now I can finally add another credit to my name: I've self-published a book on writing, I've been interviewed for a prominent Dominican news source online, and I've published two short stories--one online and one in print.

I say that deserves some fucking Shake Shack and Haagen Dazs this weekend!

*smooches...trying not to rest on my laurels*
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there's still so much I need to do, but I'm enjoying this journey so far.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

I Read At Barnes & Noble Yesterday

There's really nothing else I want to tell you. If you missed it, you missed it.

How fitting... "The Natural"

But here's how cute I looked staring down at my "sheets of genius words" for dear life.

Yup, I'm a star...

...so I don't have to look at you
This time next year, y'all will be saying "I used to read this cute little blog that Raquel used to write...now she's too famous..."

*smooches...still on a high*
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I'm psyched, too, because these stories are really coming together beautifully!

Friday, August 02, 2013

When I Do It I Don't Look Back

Rarely will a Beyonce song move me. OK, that might be a lie. I think I can name at least five Beyonce songs that I've shaken my ass to over the years. Or more. Whatever, shut up. Let me just give you this week's inspirational message in peace, OK? Sheesh!

Yesterday, I mentioned my lamentations about having thrown myself into the position of Head of Household, and how the experience shook me. That was October of 2005. Right now, in this glorious year of our lord Jesus Christ (2013), I walk around making no apologies for any of the decisions that I've made.

Oh, I left you while you were at your lowest point in life? Too bad, so sad. I turned my back on the possibility career in the sciences to pursue the arts? That's how I roll. I'm happily SINGLE AND FABULOUS, EXCLAMATION POINT yet you can't understand why I just won't get a man in my life? Bitch, have a seat.

I'm a grown woman. I can do WHATEVER I want.



I want you all to know this is more about following your true path and less about singing a little diddy by a card-carrying member of the Illuminati (although it is a damn good song, Mrs. Carter). This is definitely about believing in your own ability to make shit happen for yourself, regardless of who is in your corner and who isn't.

You're going to make mistakes. You're not going to have all the answers. You're going to hit more than a couple of brick walls. But the stories you'll be able to tell along this fantastic journey, well, shit, isn't that what it's all about? The fantastic journey?

Do yourself a favor: be grown. Do whatever you want.

*smooches...memorizing that choreography*
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this would be a good song to play at the gym, or right before I take the mic at a reading...

Friday, July 26, 2013

Working On My Shit

Shortly after writing a small paragraph on how writer's block is nothing more than me seeking an excuse for my procrastination, I decided to keep procrastinating. On EVERYTHING. And it made me sick to my stomach.

I've been meeting with friends recently about plans for our future, stuff we want to accomplish, and let me tell you- it's not going to happen while watching "Orange Is the New Black" on Netflix until I pass out (although that show is really good and maybe you should check it out).

But I need to take advantage of this time: K is about to be out of the house, N is super busy with sports, music and Algebra. Now is when I should be plotting the next phase of my life in preparation for her departure in five years. And there are so many awesome things on my list, whittled down from a GINORMOUS tome that used to include Become A Health & Fitness Expert/Advocate (fuck the fatties!) and Have A Baby With My JHS Crush (my uterus said NO), and it's exciting.

I'm all about that hustle & grind right now: who can I connect with to get to that next level? Where else can I get a byline? Oh look- computers are for more than just watching twerk videos at three in the morning!

I shall be the Queen of Everything Literary, and you will all bow down to my word prowess like the peons that you are.



Or, you know, come visit and say hi.

Make sure you're using your time wisely, folks. Chase your dream everyday in every way. Act like the rent is due (which it is, on Thursday!) and you're still short by ALL OF IT. Light that fire under your ass and invest in yourself before you wreck yourself...

Did that make sense? Whatever, my brain is too busy planning moves. MOVES, SON!

*smooches...getting this work*
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yes, I'm currently obsessed with this song. and so is N. so what!

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Birthday Vacation Countdown: The "38 Years Of Fabulous" Playlist

I've been around for what seems like a long time, but when you really think about it, 38 years is nothing. Katz Deli in lower Manhattan just celebrated 125 years, and the Brooklyn Bridge just turned 130. So really, I'm like a toddler in the grand scheme of things in New York.

However, look at the range of music that has dominated your radios over the span of my life; isn't it CRAZY? From EWF to whomever the fuck Mackelmore is. I guess I can say I've seen (heard) a lot in my day (I'm preparing for the stories I'll tell my grandkids)! I've highlighted my favorites:

1975 Earth, Wind and Fire - Shining Star
1976 Diana Ross - Love Hangover


1977 Stevie Wonder - Sir Duke
1978 Paul McCartney - With A Little Luck
1979 Peaches and Herb - Reunited
1980 Blondie - Call Me
1981 Kim Carnes - Bette Davis Eyes
1982 Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder - Ebony and Ivory
1983 Irene Cara - Flashdance... What a Feeling
1984 Deniece Williams - Let's Hear It for the Boy


1985 Wham! - Everything She Wants
1986 Whitney Houston - Greatest Love of All
1987 U2 - With or Without You
1988 George Michael - One More Try
1989 Paula Abdul - Forever Your Girl
1990 Madonna - Vogue
1991 Mariah Carey - I Don't Wanna Cry
1992 Kris Kross - Jump
1993 Janet Jackson - That's the Way Love Goes


1994 All-4-One - I Swear
1995 Montell Jordan - This Is How We Do It
1996 Bone Thugs-N-Harmony - Tha Crossroads


1997 Hanson - MMMBop
1998 Mariah Carey - My All
1999 Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca
2000 Santana feat. The Product G&B - Maria Maria
2001 Janet - All For You
2002 Ashanti - Foolish
2003 Sean Paul - Get Busy
2004 Usher - Burn
2005 Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl
2006 Rihanna - SOS
2007 T-Pain feat. Yung Joc - Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')


2008 Rihanna - Take a Bow
2009 Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow
2010 Usher feat. will.i.am - OMG
2011 Adele - Rolling In The Deep
2012 Gotye feat. Kimbra - Somebody That I Used To Know
2013 Macklemore and Ryan Lewis feat. Ray Dalton - Can't Hold Us

I don't see any big hair bands OR Prince on the list, but T-Pain is only on there once so I feel like I made out like a bandit!

*smooches...groovin' and a-rockin' on my birthday*
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please note: these are the number ones for May 23 for the span of my life, not for the year itself. don't come for me if your favorite isn't on here!

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Bikini Summer?: A Healthy Jaded Update

Where to even begin? Last time we spoke I shared my MRI results with you and the fact that I was told to go to physical therapy to fix my back. I've been going (UGH!) but I've not found my groove yet and neither has the therapist. Frankly, this whole process is going way too slow for me. Every week I ask "Can I work out on my own yet?" and every week he laughs and says "Maybe in a few weeks." It's been a few weeks and still my gym membership is on pause. Fucking-motherfucking-fuck!

I did get a maybe on yoga, but he added that I should avoid any of the forward bends. (Well, there goes my social life. RIM SHOT. PUN INTENDED!!!) But, errr, isn't 50% of yoga forward bends? What would be the point of going? And there's still a definite NO on personal training and HIIT workouts, and a "change of subject" when I asked about socacize. PHYSICAL THERAPY IS THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK AND IS RUINING MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. There, I just needed to get that out.

The better news is my eating has been okay. Not great, but I've not resorted to eating McDonald's again. I'd say that 80% of the time I'm eating well and clean and healthy. That other 20% happens when I'm stressed or PMSing or I've breathed in oxygen; these things trigger my desire for Haagen Dazs, pizza, wings and chicken mole tacos from Maya Taqueria on Vanderbilt. OH MY GOD I want one right-the-fuck-now! Sorry, I'm supposed to be focusing on the good.

I'm still making sure I eat breakfast most days; about 99% of the time. Today was the first day I bought take out at work in over a month (and it was just $3.50 for two pieces of jerk chicken and five pieces of plantains from Christie's on Flatbush...although I was so tempted to get a chicken patty with coco bread!). And I've almost completely stopped shopping at Foodtown in order to get fresher food at Trader Joe's. I feel okay about these changes (which seem to have become permanent changes) but I know I could be doing more.

And of course I need to be doing more in terms of eating right because my Nazi physical therapist won't let me train hard. He's all "I'm going to put this on the lightest weight and just give me ten reps real slow." ARGH!! HULK SMASH! I don't even break a sweat! I have to resort to putting the warm-up bike on a super-high resistance and "gunning it" just to feel like I did something. All that beautiful gym equipment and I'm in the therapy room doing pansy-ass leg lifts. LEG LIFTS!

Listen, I'm going away for my birthday, to a place where the sun shines so bright and makes you so happy to be alive. And all I wanted for my birthday was to be able to rock a bikini on the beach like a true badass, as a precursor to playing mas in the West Indian Day parade. This past weekend, I even bought the stupid bikini, and it looks okay as long as I stretch my torso, suck in my gut and never breathe, eat or sit. If I can do that I'll be the sexiest bitch in purple EVER.

This photo was Take-100 because I had to make sure and
give you the illusion of a fit Jaded body!


But I wanted to look MORE than okay and time is already running out. YES, I should just follow the therapist's orders and NO I shouldn't be so worried with my looks and instead focus on being healthy, but you know what? I DON'T CARE.

Don't be fooled, folks- I'm in this for the bragging rights. For the pure pleasure of making bitches cry when I walk in the room looking fabulous. If I can bench-press your mom or run up the steps at West 238th Street in Riverdale and not get winded as a result of working out, well, that'd be a nice cherry on top. But on the real? I just want to look fly!

*smooches...having a Come To Jesus meeting with myself*
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the good thing is, I still understand that it will take hard work to look and feel great; no easy outs for me. but sometimes, I do wish there was a pill...

Monday, March 18, 2013

Wedding Weekend Shenanigans

You all know I went to Cathi & Mike's wedding in Massachusetts over the St. Patrick's Day weekend, so here's how that went down...

>Thursday night I was forced to sleep with two ACTUAL dogs. Yes, me, the woman who despises house pets more than anything. I'm telling you, people and their pets will forever confuse the hell out of me. How do you just let some filthy animal in the bed... *remembers some bad decisions made after many drinks in the club* Oh. Never mind.

>Friday we got all prettied up and got Cathi to the "church" on time. And by church I mean butterfly conservatory in Deerfield. We took pics, danced, ate and drank only a little (but of course I OD'd on champagne because I don't understand what "drink in moderation" means, so I had a bit of a headache). Nina was there looking FAB as always, and we helped make the wedding rather colorful (see what I did there? LOL!) Afterward Cathi strolled from dive bar to dive bar in her wedding dress (and me in MY bridesmaid dress) dancing and basking in all the attention. It was pretty great!

The Rowdy Girls!


Bridal Party


Babies!


Primitas!

>One of Mike's friends is desperately in love with me, after only seeing and speaking with me for what--ten minutes? Yeah, he's sprung. Can you blame him? Massachusetts' white boys really have a thing for ol' Jaded, let me tell you! (I may or may not be exaggerating, but go with it. Ego and such...)

>Saturday, Cathi and Mike, still wearing their wedding garbs, took to the streets to cheer on folks running in some 10K road race that happens every year. And they made the local news! I stayed behind because listen--I have Caribbean blood in me. We don't do outdoor events in winter weather. Besides, there was a DR vs. PR World Baseball Classic game on (we won, of course!). I love Mike and Cathi but...baseball, son. Baseball.

>Later that evening, an Irish car bomb set the tone for the night. This little white boy came over to ogle at Cathi's pigtails (and breasts) and it turns out he was the very same white boy I made out with back in 2009. To hear him tell it, I "mouth-raped" him and then tossed him aside, leaving him wondering if he should call 911. Then he tried to give me bedroom eyes and said, "You're a good kisser, yo." Clearly, since he still remembered me. Meanwhile, I would not be able to describe him to a sketch artist at all. And then he went in for the grope.

I don't remember passing out on Cathi's futon at the end of the night (fully clothed), but I do remember feeding the jukebox ($5 got us 12 songs!), losing horribly at pool (I'm so rusty!) and apparently, I tweeted this literary gem:

I think I wrote this in Gaelic.


Oh, Massachusetts. Just memories upon memories of foolishness.

*smooches...anticipating my next travel adventure*
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it will be soon and it will be FABULOUS!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Get Filled With The Holy Ghost Of Writing, ME!

I told y'all I was booked up this weekend!

Fresh off the heels of a kick-ass appearance at Sycamore Stories in Ditmas Park, I'm ready to lead the congregation this Sunday at the Church of Monika in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

Photo (c) 2012 Marcin Kaliski

You know, there's something that happens to me when I finish speaking to a crowd, whether it be sharing a story or discussing my craft. It's like the buzz you get when you eat a slice of watermelon that's been sitting overnight in a tub of grain alcohol. You know the type of buzz that puts a smile on your face and everything your friends say is AWESOME, and everything the DJ plays is "MY JAM!" and your body moves in a way that makes you think you look like this:



but really, you look like this:



That's how good I feel after most, if not all, of my literary events.

I'm hoping this Sunday is equally satisfying, although it would be better if you all show up, too! And then you can take me to brunch.

*smooches...getting high off my own supply*
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I mean, it's here and so plentiful... why not?

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Appearances On Wednesday & Sunday, Stalkers!

This Wednesday (WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY) I will once again read a bit of magic to some drunk folks at Sycamore Bar in Ditmas Park. Why? Because why not? What else am I going to do on a Wednesday night- wait for someone to say something witty on The Twitter so I can respond and hope a dialogue gets started? I already did that last week. It wasn't all that. I'm ready to move on.

Anyway, if you're in Brooklyn and you like sipping on cheap drinks while listening to snooty wordsmiths tell you some stuff they made up while contemplating whether or not to buy more raisins or more prunes on their next shopping trip, then please, stop on by. I go on at around 9:30.



Then on Sunday (SUNDAY SUNDAY) I'm speaking at the Church of Monika at Open Source Gallery in Park Slope. It's a sort of town hall meeting where I'll discuss my craft and what I feel it brings to my life, my audience and the world. Or something like it.

Sunday, February 24, 11AM
Church of Monika
Open Source
306 17th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11215

I'd love to see you at one or both of these appearances; a lot of you OWE ME THAT MUCH.

*smooches...huss-a-lin erryday*
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If I can just keep busy I'll forget all the bad stuff running through my head

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Seven Things*

*Borrowed from the site Brittany. Herself. which is a totally hilarious blog that I love to read and make believe the author is my BFF and that we pass the days plotting ways to drive her husband mad via email. She wrote about the seven things in her First World life she couldn't live without and asked folks to share. I don't normally participate in these things anymore but, you know, any opportunity to talk about myself and remind you that it's all about ME ME ME is right up this blog's alley.

You can read her original post by clicking here.

Here's what's on my MUST HAVE DAILY list:
1- My computer and everything attached to it that brings joy to my heart: Netflix, Twitter, Spotify, and the Bearded and Black Tumblr site.

2- The heavenly nectar you peons call ginger tea. A day without it and I may kill a few puppies.

3- A bra. I'm not one of those gals who can let them run free. Sometimes, I sleep in a bra. I love the false sense of security a bra gives me, making me believe I've staved off gravity for another day.

4- Soca music. Because a day without soca is NOT a day worth living.

5- At least three pens and a notebook. This is something I discussed with my fellow writers this weekend- I cannot leave the house unprepared. What if I get trapped in an elevator and I don't have anything to write with. I WOULD SURELY DIE.

6- As bad as it is for my skin-hot showers. I cannot fall asleep and have magically sweet dreams without some scalding water to slowly transition me into night-night mode.

7- Under-eye concealer, because let's face it- that sleep I was just describing? I never get enough of it and it shows on my face. Thanks to the good people at MAC Cosmetics, I get to make-believe I'm a fresh-faced co-ed.

What's on your list?

*smooches...sharing but not caring*
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also, please note that cleverly disguised within this list of seven are TEN things I cannot live without. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday Ramblings

At first I was going to title this post Monday Musings, but I didn't want to get you all excited about my former, awesome Blog Talk Radio show that you never listened to. This is not that. This post is simply a sampling of the random thoughts I have today.

>I had an appointment with my ENT this morning who basically informed me that I'm a fat, greedy pig who needs to stop night-eating or I will continue to fuck up my throat via acid reflux. OK, then. Message received. At least it's not the throat cancer WebMD told me I thought I had.

>For three years I've been hosting literary readings throughout the City, scrambling to find venues and participants and an audience. Yesterday morning I woke up with a "why do I bother!" mentality because really, we don't get the support we deserve. And then whattaya know- people showed up! Like, LOTS OF PEOPLE. It was standing room only in the bookstore and I was all verklempt. I guess THAT'S WHY I bother.

>Every time I end a relationship I do a post-mortem in my head. Where did I fuck up? Where did he fuck up? Where did WE fuck up? It's all a learning process, I know. I get it. But you know what? I hate starting over. It feels like so much failure. I'm starting to wonder if being single forever is really that bad...

>I've decided not to move out of my apartment until A) Al-Qaeda evicts me; B) the Feds take over the dwelling as evidence in an anti-terror investigation; or C) I'm ready to buy my Brooklyn brownstone or condo. My apartment is small, drafty in the winter and scorching in the summer, my neighbor Jeff is RUDE and the pipes are constantly getting clogged up. But it's mine. I'm comfortable there. And leaving just for the sake of leaving (or having more room to entertain when I don't even LIKE people) is dumb.

>I've discovered Coursera ("a social entrepreneurship company that partners with the top universities in the world to offer courses online for anyone to take, for free"). So far, I've signed up for six classes. I can already see this getting out of control... someone please come and take my internet away?!

*smooches...gearing up for a crazy-busy week*
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what's on your mind today?

Friday, January 25, 2013

Maybe Forgiveness Is Right Where You Fell

I've allowed myself to live in the PAUSE time and time again. I take on a project and as soon as there's an obstacle I wrap it around me like a fuzzy sweater of excuses and let it lull me into an uneasy sleep every night. But as long as I'm in the PAUSE I don't have to face life or reality or failure, except the PAUSE is worse than failure; it's not even trying. It's not even living.

It takes a lot of energy to drag myself out of the PAUSE, but I've been taking all these supplements and eating better, and that will hopefully lead to sleeping better, and I've been working toward de-chaos-ing my physical environment, so surely my mental and emotional environment will follow, non?

I'm counting on that energy to get me to network with other writers more and leave my comfort zone and smile more often than not. That energy will help me take more chances and make bold moves and become a more visible force in this world than I have been (don't worry; a good force). I'm putting all my chips in; the energy will crush the PAUSE, so much so that it will be this tiny insignificant blip of a pause, a breather, really, in which I just blink a couple of times, inhale good air and exhale the bad, and then get right back on my path of goodies.

Might I suggest you make this bet with me, too?



Don't beat yourself up about it, though. That's not what these Friday posts are about. Standing still and letting obstacles stunt our growth is common and can happen to anyone at any time. Accept what you've done to date as an error you made, and just dive into the part where you work to make amends with yourself for standing in your own way. You did this to yourself and only you can make it right.

It's never too late to keep moving forward.

*smooches...daring you to lift yourself up off the floor*
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the potential for greatness is in all of us, it really is!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Notes On A Random Wednesday

I just wanted to share a few tidbits with you about me and what I'm thinking right now, if you'll allow the indulgence. (Yeah right- love it or leave it, bitchezzz!)

1- Sometimes, when I'm alone in my apartment or the girls have gone to bed, I put on my favorite matte-ish maroon/burgundy lipstick and watch myself talk in the mirror. I am mesmerized at how great my lips look in this deep red hue. I like to see them forming words, smiling, yawning- the works. I practice cursing people out, flirting, reading out loud and giving speeches or being interviewed. Then I pose for close-up glamour shots.

2- I'm reading tonight at Sycamore Bar in Ditmas Park (1118 Cortelyou Road) and am considering wearing my favorite matte-ish maroon/burgundy lipstick, so that the audience can enjoy the visual as well as my five-minute presentation of greatness. Except I'm wondering if the space is poorly lit, which means people will barely be able to see my lips. And that would suck.

3- Tonight I want to read a reworked piece that was originally going to be my first novel, until I decided that novels are for losers and short stories is where it's at, son! It's the one where the young girl kills her stepmother. I had a daydream about it (that's how I write my stories sometimes, by daydreaming about them) and saw it working so beautifully as a short.

4- I also decided that tonight I'm going to flirt with white boys, and I wonder if my favorite matte-ish maroon/burgundy lipstick and story about an unapologetic and disillusion murderer will turn them off. Also, I wonder if five minutes into a flirting session I'll abandon my mission and seek out the large, black bouncer that I imagine works the door (because usually these hipster bars have a huge black bouncer working the door).

5- My allotted time on stage is sometime between 10 and 10:30, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, given the event starts at 7. It's a school night. And I'm still trying to catch up with "Grey's Anatomy" (currently holding steady at the beginning of Season 6; Izzy just left Karev and the Mercy West folks have infiltrated). That time slot also makes me a bit nervous because I already have enough trouble getting people to attend my events... and who the hell is going to stay FOUR HOURS to hear a bunch of unknowns read some bullshit stories (except mine; mine isn't bullshit, it's AWESOME.) and try to look cool?

Maybe I'll just wear some chapstick and keep to myself like I usually do. This all sounds exhausting and uneccessary.

*smooches...clearly not in the mood for a reading*
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when I sign up for these things they sound like good ideas until the day arrives and all I want is to go home and chill on my sofa.

Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Where I'll Be Next Week

Tonight I went to a very tough but very awesome Pilates (machine) class in Gramercy Park. WOOOOO let me tell you, those movements spoke to my body! They were all, "Yes, rotate from the hip! Feel the burn! We love you! We're strengthening your core! WE LOVE YOU! ISN'T THAT STRETCH AWESOME?! NOW HOLD IT FOR A SIX-COUNT!" Oh yes, I enjoyed it so much I will be back in two weeks.

I would have signed up for the Wednesday class next week, but I'll be busy sharing one of my fabulous stories with a captive audience at Sycamore Bar in Ditmas Park. And you should definitely come out to support me and buy me a seltzer water (with lime!) and tell me my hair is pretty.


I'm going to attempt to read something new. If I can write it this weekend. So you should absolutely grab a seat in the front row and throw your panties at me. See you there!

*smooches...starting the year off pretty well*
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I have more things in the works so stay tuned!

Monday, December 24, 2012

A Jaded Moment In History Presents: Diva Behavior

The best part of going to my Mami's house is hearing about our childhood. Today's story revolved around ME and how much of a princess I was as a little girl.

Mami used to work for a preeminent music and entertainment magazine, Latin NY, and her gig came with backstage perks and access to the salsa and merengue stars of the 70s and 80s. Which meant that I had access to these folks, too.

As Mami tells it, when Bobby Rodriguez came out with the single "What Happened?" I was completely obsessed with it, so much so that I would cry when the song would end. Mami said it was a mad dash to find the song playing on another station to get me to stop crying, but remember back then Latin music wasn't in heavy rotation on the airwaves. Also, the album hadn't dropped yet, so she wasn't able to buy it for me, either. I was told I was inconsolable!

Finally, she contacted to record label and got a copy of the album, BEFORE it was released. Because her little princess needed to listen to "What Happened?" over and over again.



And in case you don't believe in my privileged childhood, let me tell you about how Mami told Bobby Rodriguez that I wanted to play the flute like him (a Pita-Bobby as I called it) and he sent me one. Marinate on that.

*smooches...flipping my hair back and forth*
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ahhhh, the good ol days...

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Good.

It's about 10 minutes before this day is supposed to be done, this 12.12.12 that everyone was making such a huge deal about. I didn't feel any different today, though, but I can tell you that:

1- I got my period, rather quietly, and I'm wondering if the cramps are planning to attack me tomorrow or Friday, or if my uterus has finally noticed the white flag I've been waving since 1986.

2- I pitched an idea for this summer campaign at work and the client liked it and it's a go. I have my first "creative" meeting to flesh out the concept on Friday. This is it, folks; this is where I show the good people I work with just what I'm made of.

3- The IT department at work threw the kickin-est holiday party ever! I mean food, XBox, karaoke, live band- EVERYTHING! I must get them a very nice thank you token; perhaps some of this new batch of coquito that I plan to conquer.

4- Our new "standing desk" was installed today- WOOHOO! Never again will I have to suffer an entire day in the office SITTING. I can alleviate my back, calves and make sure my blood is circulating and still get work done. Standing desk for the mother-fucking WIN!

5- I watched "Hart of Dixie" this morning and SPOILER ALERT: Wade & Zoe are an actual couple now. YAY!!!!! Now, let's hope the writers don't fuck it up...

It's rare that my day rock so awesomely, especially when I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. Maybe the 12s were working for me after all.

*smooches...hoping all of your days are memorable*
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what did you do today?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

More Jaded Facts For Your Case Files

I'm feeling generous; here are some more facts about yours truly, in case you were DYING to get to know me better:

1- I'm not a picky eater, but if you put eggplant or salmon on my plate I will fight your face and go on a hunger strike. My grandmother used to cook eggplant and force me to eat it even though the texture reminded me of phlegm. The trauma of it all remains with me always.

2- I abuse every bit of power ever placed in my hands; because of this I've agreed (with The Voices) to never run for any kind of office. If you put me in charge I will be mean and rude and make everyone working for me cry or feel true fear.

3- I looked up my name on iTunes (I also google my name often) and found these songs. Yes, I'm super-vain like that. And look, they're both love songs, because everybody loves me and I'm so loveable men are moved to create songs about me telling me of their love :)





4- During a consultation with someone I sought alternative treatment from, I admitted out loud that I stay up late at night because I'm not ready to accept the reality of the next day, especially if I haven't done anything productive. It's like "Oh look, nothing from the TO DO list is done. You can't go to bed until you do these things because tomorrow you won't have time." Next thing you know it's 3AM and all I've done is watched clips of those hens fighting on "The View."

5- Much to my chagrin, I'm very in tune with my body, and I know the millisecond it's not going to feel well. I can also feel almost every aspect of my reproductive cycle, especially when I'm ovulating from my right side. And let me tell you, it's quite painful. It's also scary as hell; reminds me too much of my own mortality. But on the plus side, if I ever want another baby, I know to wait until I'm ovulating from the left side a.k.a the non-retarded ovary/fallopian tube.

*smooches...wondering what will be left to say in my memoir*
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oh who am I kidding; I leave so much out I could fill TWO memoirs! now tell me 5 things about you :)

Friday, November 09, 2012

I Have A Juicer...

...so now I can stop acting as if I like y'all and we're on the same level. Unless, of course, you're a member of a CSA or the Park Slope Co-op, in which case OF COURSE we're BFFs!! How else am I going to get my hands on the best, locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables I need to juice myself toward optimum health?

In the meantime, feast your eyes on my new baby, gifted to me by a sweet co-worker who cares about my well-being:


I'm calling her Betty. Betty the Breville Juice Fountain. HATE ON ME HATERS!

*smooches...getting way too big for my britches*
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I'm going to blame it on the Republicans; they're this month's villain du jour!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Raquelita Ivelisse (Cascarita Bermudez) Penzo, Writer, Online

So okay, it's no secret to y'all who I am, especially because all 20 of my readers know me in real life. BUT it occurred to me that I am also in need of an author site. You do remember that I wrote a book right? RIGHT.

So here it is, my new website.

Add it to your RSS feed and share it with all your friends (especially if they're agents or publishers or big wigs at Conde Nast. Or Martha Stewart because I still totally want to meet her!).

But don't stop coming here; this is still the home of Jaded and all her rants, raves and ratchet likes and dislikes. Like, OMG did you see the Kardashians this past weekend? KOURTNEY HAD HER BABY!!! Also, I found this video:



See? Shenanigans still reign supreme over here. Now your Wednesday is complete!

Shout out to the homie Michelle for designing my kick-ass site. Go ahead and tell me how awesome it is in the comments. NOW!

*smooches...with new chapters and all that*
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and don't forget: The New School, tonight. COME OUT!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Come To The New School, Tomorrow Night.

Because I'm awesome, and your life will improve tenfold from being in my presence.

No, but for real, it's a cool event. Come on out!


*smooches...taking the Empire to the next level*
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will you be there to witness it?