A Jaded "Mayhem" Commercial Script

ME: So what happened- you okay?

FRIEND: Yea, I called my sis-in-law the nurse. She said only go to the ER if the bleeding is constant. Popped two Motrin. Pain is subsiding. Bleeding is now spotting.

ME: Blood? *faints* <----- why I didn't pursue medicine

FRIEND: This seems to be a case of "Ass torn out the frame"-itis

ME: Is this sex-related? *dead*

FRIEND: Yes. Yes it is. *hangs head*

ME: #YoureDoingItWrong

FRIEND: Obviously. First time we broke the bed. This time we nearly broke the box. I'm guessing we shouldn't fuck each other anymore.

ME: Not without collision insurance.

FRIEND: *motions for waiter* Check please.

*smooches...realizing I have some really freaky friends*
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and for some reason they LOVE sharing their sexual exploits with me :(

First Class Ticket To Hell...

Smarty P. Jones: ...And you need Jesus for those responses.

ME: I need Jesus for how I molested ________ yesterday hahahahahahaha!!

SPJ: As long as you know.

ME: I made a request and Mary was all, "Stop calling here for my son. You will NOT defile his good image with your debauchery" and hung up. Bitches, I swear...

SPJ: *falls to knees* Jesus, you know I just met her, right?

*smooches...finding new ways to damn my soul*
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ay, listen, I'm pretty sure your god has a sense of humor.

36 Soon Come: Only For 'ATL Housewives' Fans

Smarty Jones: OK, I know I should shut my phone off [in church], but an elderly White lady just came in with her Black caregiver. And the caregiver sat in the row behind her. I know she's the help and all, but I got a lil' heated just now.

ME: Is her name "Sweetie"??

Smarty Jones: *dead*

*smooches...perhaps for the last time ever*
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*cue ominous music*

so...where are all the hot Rapture parties, and more importantly- will there be Buffalo wings?

36 Soon Come: My Subconscious Mind Is A Filthy-Mouthed Sailor

ME: New Jaded Expression for when trying to encourage someone to take chances in life...

Smarty Jones: Uh oh

ME: "You just have to throw all your dicks in the air and pray it lands in some real good pussy." *drops mic*

Smarty Jones: :O WTH?

ME: That came to me while meditating just now. Ain't that some shit?

Smarty Jones: *dead*

*smooches...taking a break from meditating*
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it's just a liiiiiittle too deep & crazy for me right now. I'll try again next month!

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 6

I don't know why people still engage in online conversations with me. I get that keyboard courage and it's all down hill from there. Actually, who am I kidding? I'd say this shit to your face and we both know it...

FRIEND: OMG, this lil' dude is a freak. Why is he sending me freaky text messages from the financial aid office?

ME: He's about to spend his entire refund check on you LMAO! SIDENOTE: I think I'll sign all my tweets, "Love & Balls, Jaded" from now on...

FRIEND: LMAO!!! I can't stand you for ALL of that!

ME: He gon make it rain on your vagina...

FRIEND: OK, I'm done. Dude just asked if I swallow. O_O Ni**a I don't KNOW. YOU!

ME: You don't like the taste of unknown pee-pee juice?

FRIEND: O_O LOG OFF!

*smooches...unsure of how and when I became so vulgar*
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I blame the media.

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 5

Another GChat convo, but inappropriate just the same...

ME: Really good sex only exists in Harlequin Romance Novels.

FRIEND: :-/

ME: "She took his quivering member into her eager mouth..."

FRIEND: quivering? LOL

ME: HAHAHAHA yours doesn't quiver? *shrugs*

FRIEND: It hasn't yet. But I have to wonder if I would consider presenting a quivering member. I mean...it doesn't SEEM like the greatest of ideas...why is it quivering? Am I scared?

ME: I think it quivers with anticipation of this most awesome mouth or vagina, belonging to some saucy vixen who, just prior to this moment, was unattainable.
(I read too much...)

FRIEND: Oh.

*smooches...ending the year in the same ratchet fashion it began*
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the day I behave properly is the day you know the pod people, or the Christians, have gotten a hold of me.

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 4

Technically, this conversation took place in GChat, but you don't care...you just want the dirt, dontcha?!

ME: The hair. It has magical powers, you know.

FRIEND: Yes, yes, I know. People want to make sweet love to your bouncy curls.

ME: Ewwww! Why did I just get a visual of semen in my hair? Again? Hehehe

FRIEND: LMAO! Ewww! You gotta time it- wait. I’ve said too much.

ME: BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

FRIEND: But for the record, tuck and roll.

ME: Time it or swallow it. According to Kat Stacks :)

**pause**

Tuck and roll, tho?

FRIEND: Don’t you ever fucking quote Kat Stacks to me again, you hear me?

ME: Oh, this made the blog for sure!

*smooches...taking applications for new friends*
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because the ones I have ain't shit, for real! lol

"And I'll Take You There"

HIM: I just seen a chick almost as bad as you...straight PYT!

ME: Impossible. There's only one Raquel and you already have her.



On the real, though- the world couldn't handle TWO of me...

*smooches...experiencing a rare moment of vanity*
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it happens occasionally.

She's About To Experience Jaded: Live And In Person!

ME: My jaw is kinda achy...

SMARTY P. JONES: #deceased

SPJ: #noflowers

SPJ: #nomusic

SPJ: #noservice

ME: See, now you're just begging me to blog this!

*smooches...asking y'all to pray for Smarty's soul*
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clearly this is an old convo that took place BEFORE Phillip's untimely demise... *spills a lil liquor* may he rest in peace.

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 3

ME: I need some pizza in my life *sigh*

FRIEND: Pizza or penis? 'Cause I need the latter.

ME: I have penis. I need pizza.

FRIEND: Oh. I got pizza. Looks like we both ain't shit.

ME: Trade?

*smooches...only half joking about that trade*
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you can't judge me unless you've had NY-style pizza. It's so good you'd trade in the BEST penis in the world just for a slice!

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 2

ME: So, what about me says, "Please send me a picture of your hard dick?"

Smarty P. Jones: LMAO!

Smarty P. Jones: Who sent you a pic?

ME: I mean, I saved it, but still...

Smarty P. Jones: *deceased*

Smarty P. Jones: *casket*

Smarty P. Jones: *slowsinging*

Smarty P. Jones: *flowerbringing*

Smarty P. Jones: *just dead*

*smooches...finding new ways to kill friends dead*
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who's next? oh, and I called dibs on Smarty's music & movie collection so y'all heffas just BACK OFF!

Inappropriate BBMs, Vol. 1

"I'm throwing myself a pity party and I need for there to be penis in the goody bags."

*smooches...truly amazed at the conversations to which I'm privy*
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my life is seriously better than TV sometimes!