Monday, December 23, 2013

Be Easy

The holidays can get crazy. Family WILL drive you crazy. Friends and their end-of-the-year happenings will make you crazy. Folks are out here mainlining capitalism + consumerism, capable of cutting your throat for the last doll-of-the-year left on the shelf. It's CRAZY.

I try not to get caught up because listen, ain't nobody got time for the bullshit. If the line at Target is down the block well then, shit, I'll come back another time. Besides, being a recovering Catholic means I can still claim to celebrate the Feast of the Three Kings and send out gifts late. Or just say "fuck it" and only give you a card for Christmas with lots of good cheer. FIGHT ME.

If you don't mind, I'll be over here, chillin', with a normal BP, eating grapes and watching cheesy holiday movies with my babies.

You're welcome to join us.

*smooches...while chillaxin in my jammies*
I might also go swimming; the stress-free possibilities are endless

Thursday, December 12, 2013

The Definition of Crazy

"What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop." -Meredith Grey, "Grey's Anatomy"

I understand a lot of what I do is to my own detriment. I also understand that it makes me insane. I accept that. But the pull to habitually be unhappy is strong. STRONG. Like, magnetically strong. Trying to do better is honestly the hardest thing I've ever attempted.

Now please excuse me while I hoover down a whole bag of "organic" popcorn.

*smooches...bedazzling my hammer while watching Netflix*
I mean if I'm gonna beat myself with it, might as well make it cute.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

"Fool For You" Dance Break

Even though I'm on a self-imposed man break, I miss the days when I was crushing on someone. Those honeymoon days, before you or s/he ruins the relationship, are so magical, you really do feel like you're floating on a cloud. Like nothing can touch you and your honey-bunny. Like there's nothing in the world you wouldn't do for them. Kind of how I feel for Netflix.

"Any mistake you make I, I just might forgive..."

Get into it!

*smooches...grooving deep in my seat*
last time I saw Ms. Smith live she blew my mind; can't wait to go back!

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


(A conversation that transpired with a friend; we were discussing Terrence Howard's latest nuptials and why anyone would marry him so fast. I say money, friend says "dick too bomb." The thought of Terrence Howard's penis made my stomach turn...)

ME: Ewww. I imagine his dick is too yellow. Almost white. And white peen frightens me. It looks undercooked. Like I'm gonna get salmonella from it.

FRIEND: Let yourself out.

ME: *sigh* Fine

FRIEND: And for the record, light-skinned penis is great. They fuck like they have a point to prove.


FRIEND: I've said too much.

*smooches...not too experienced with light-skinned penis*
but please, feel free to share your tales of Yellow Snake Sex.

Monday, December 09, 2013

The Jaded Christmas List

I didn't write a Friday post because I said Fridays were reserved for inspirational posts, and I'm fresh out of inspiration. I got nothing. Go do whatever the hell you want- be happy, be miserable, eat babies- I no longer care. Instead, I will drown myself in capitalism and see how that works out. Why not? I have already tried Catholicism, drugs, alcohol, sex, exercise and a Paleo diet. None of it helped. Or maybe I'm being dramatic. WHATEVER, I WANT TO BUY ALL OF THE THINGS SO SHUT UP.

Here's what you need to get me for Christmas to help me on my capitalism journey:

This new wardrobe, ALL BLACK EVERYTHING.

This sneaker, and all its cousins. I'm a size 10.

This house in Azua, Dominican Republic (so I can finally leave this hellhole).

This poster for my bedroom wall.

This man for my bedroom...bed.

That is all.

*smooches...trying not to be too greedy*
this is a real list. for real. buy me something!

Thursday, December 05, 2013

Defending "Snooki & JWoww," The Reality TV Show

Listen, I know trash TV is the downfall of good writing on the small screen. HOWEVER, it is successful for a reason. And people like to think that only the dregs of society are watching shows like "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" or "Love & Hip Hop" or any of the "Housewives of..." shows, but that's a lie and you know it. In fact, I'm a known and unapologetic trash TV watcher. I enjoy it, I look forward to it and it makes me laugh.

Recently I found myself having to explain why I still follow the lives of two former "Jersey Shore" cast members via their spinoff show, "Snooki & JWOWW," and the fact remains, "Because I like them." You will not find two more REAL people on any reality TV show, in my humble opinion.

These girls aren't trying to be anything they're not. MTV is throwing loads of money at them to just live their lives on screen and they're running with it. No pretenses, no posturing, no faux-elitism. Besides the fact that they've grown up a lot since the Shore days, Nicole and Jenny are the same down-to-earth girls they've been since day one, and, plastic surgeries aside, I appreciate them for that realness.

Now, if you don't mind, let me go catch up on this season.

*smooches...reveling in guilty pleasures*
except I don't really feel guilty about it.

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Thoughts On Infidelity

I just watched Things Never Said, a film about a spoken word artist struggling to find her voice. In it she's married to a man who hits her and barely cares about her poetry. There are more layers to their relationship but I'll only give you that tidbit for now. Over the course of the film, the woman meets another poet and begins an affair with him. Again, there are more layers to this cinematic version of what infidelity looks like, but I won't go into more details because it was a pretty good movie despite the annoying messages (and spoken word poetry featured), and maybe you'll want to see it.

I'm only using it to set up the point I want to make about infidelity, which is this: Things Never Said tried to convince me that the way this woman and the poet she cheated with became involved was complicated and difficult and there were grey areas that contributed to her infidelity. But I'm calling bullshit on all of that, because infidelity is very black and white. You either cheated or you didn't. There's no grey area about that plain fact.

In the face of challenges and obstacles and plain ol' everyday life, we have choices to make. Do we run out of the house without breakfast OR make breakfast and be a little late to work? Go to bed early and finish your paper in the morning OR pull an all-nighter and sleep in the next day? Sneak some extra cookies during snack OR obey your mom when she says you can only have two? And each of these choices have results and consequences: eat poorly at lunch because you skipped breakfast OR hear it from your boss because you were late? Give up those precious extra moments in the morning to finish your work OR deal with the ramifications of skipping class the next day? Get your rewards now OR lose your mom's trust?

When people say things like "I didn't have a choice" what they really mean is "I made the choice that benefited me at the time" or "I made the choice with the easiest path according to my id."

Infidelity is a choice you make to appease whatever basic need you perceive yourself to be lacking, and it's WRONG because you're making this choice at the expense of two other people--the person you've pledged fidelity to and the new person who thinks they're going to get all of you. Cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care if your partner abuses you, ignores you or just bores you to death. Cheating is cheating is cheating. And if your partner is so awful then LEAVE** already.

By choosing to cheat, you're denying your significant other the full scope of your relationship and not allowing them to make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to be with you. You're being 100% selfish and cowardly.

My stance during my marriage and even after it ended has always been "If you feel the need to cheat, just leave." Clearly you no longer love or respect the person you're with if you think it's OK to break their trust, and I don't know about you but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. Just leave.

Besides, what kind of person starts a new relationship with drama and unpacked baggage? Don't be that way.

Also, movies and TV shows that glorify this shit make me so...GRRRRRR! Yes, even "Scandal." I want to punch Olivia and Fitz in their stupid faces SO DAMN MUCH.

*smooches...trying to make sure y'all get into heaven*
last I checked adultery was still a sin, dawg.

**Please note this post deals with infidelity. Obviously I know some people can't leave a relationship for many reasons. I'm saying if you're in it, you're in it, and cheating is still cheating no matter how you paint it.

Tuesday, December 03, 2013

Race Relations

FRIEND: How come when I look up "multiracial family holiday dinner" in Thinkstock, the minority wife always looks like the help?

ME: Because white dudes always marry help-looking black women. And vice versa. How's that?

FRIEND: That'll play

ME: I must admit- it's extremely rare that I'll come across an interracial couple that doesn't look like what we've described


ME: And when I do, the black woman is bi-racial herself. You know what this made me think about?

FRIEND: what?

ME: I've noticed that I'll give a pass to dark-skinned black men who aren't that cute because of their dark-skin. Like I'll still be attracted to them. Is that racist? But let a light-skinned dude be average. I'm all "DO BETTER!"

FRIEND: lmao! Ma'am...

ME: It's reverse for black women. I think Massa has programmed me to think as such...

FRIEND: prolly. It's all Massa's fault

ME: How do I deprogram so I don't end up married to some creature from the black planet (dot com)? I need to see ugly for ugly, and not skin color. I'm too cute to date a creature!

FRIEND: Agreed. I'm programmed to want to physically violate attractive dark skinned men but only want to have the children of light skinned men so I can have brown babies.

ME: LMAO! Ma'am

FRIEND: What? It's true.

ME: We bofe need deprogramming

FRIEND: I'm extra careful every time I sleep with a dark skinned dude. "You gotta wear a condom AND pull out."

ME: I need you to leave and never come back

FRIEND: That's my truth.

*smooches...realizing my friends STILL ain't shit*
but I guess we'll be ain't shit together

Monday, December 02, 2013

Deep End, Grown Folk Sh*t

But before we get to business, you know how we do...

Sometimes I'm loud and in your face, to cover up the silent screams in my head. Sometimes I'm quiet and pull away, to mask the trumpets of chaos that surround me. Sometimes I'll smile to keep from crying, and other times a scowl holds back my tears.

It's all a great deal of effort, being the person in charge. Being the keeper of secrets. And when all the food in all the land fails to fill that void that I-don't-know-what-or-who is supposed to sate, I suppose all that's left is my voice.

And, I guess, this blog.

So hello, again. Brace yourself for another bumpy ride.

*smooches...with two steps forward and ten steps back*
ain't life grand? I'm expecting a heart attack any day now.

Sunday, December 01, 2013

Jaded Photographs: December 2013 Edition

"Ride Or Die"

There's very little else that matters.

*smooches...trying to exist in a different space*
how y'all been? miss me?