I Did a Crazy Thing: Favorite Chef Contest

So we've established that I love to cook, right? Well, I saw this random competition for aspiring chefs and thought, why note? It's one of those popularity contest type of competitions where you ask people to vote for you, and the most votes win. Yes, I signed up at like three in the morning when I should have been asleep. Shut up.

I kind of want to win.

The prize is $25,000, and some other stuff that I can't remember, but this would be a great chunk of money to use for culinary school, traveling abroad to learn more international cuisine, or even to open a little food stall at a farmer's market. Possibilities abound. It's not a ton of money but it'll do; I'm not trying to open a restaurant, I just want to make good food that brings joy.

Voting opens March 31. DO NOT LET ME DOWN. A vote for me is a vote for delicious meals when I invite you over to celebrate my win! Vote more than once and I'll come to your house to cook for you. Vote ten or more times and, I don't know, maybe I come a meal prep for you, enough to last you a month. Again, POSSIBILITIES ABOUND.

I'm not sure if I should be offering incentives, of if you can vote more than once, but seeing as only 10 of y'all are on my mailing list, and I know you in real life, what could it hurt?????

Tell all your friends! And if I've ever cooked for you, I encourage you to leave a comment and let the people know what I'm bringing to the table 😋

Love & (Meat)Balls,

Jaded

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a mí me gusta el chivo con vino

y el pescao con jugo de limón

con pimienta y orégano el lechón

y el arroz con jamón y tocino

para ponerle sabor a un buen fiestón

Today on This Meatless Life...

First of all, don't get excited. I'm only here because I personally hate it when people write monologues on FB and found my post was getting too long, and then I remembered: Bitch, you're still pay for this URL. Take that shit to the blog.

Second, if you don't follow me on FB then let me explain that last week I decided to eat all plant-based meals, 1. to see if I could, 2. to see if my body would feel any different or better, and 3. because Beyonce asked me to. There. Now you're all caught up.

So last week's experiment taught me some more about how flavors work together, what it means to be full/satisfied, and how much 'fake' food we're inundated with.

Besides Saturday's tofu adventures, I steered clear of meat/protein substitutes (y'all can keep that impossible burger FAR away from me, and no, I would NOT like any chik'n or 'vegan' cheese or that seitan—pronounced like SATAN for a reason) and instead opted for REAL whole vegetables. I also made better choices on grains and/or starches (because I knew this vegetarian in college whose diet consisted basically of pasta and it was not...cute).

clockwise from top left: veggie pita 'pizza' | tofu tikka masala
veggie + manchego frittata | veggie fried quinoa

Moving forward? Who knows. I don't agree that it's unethical to eat animals so this isn't that. It's mostly trying to recognize what my body will no longer tolerate (I haven't been feeling my best), mixing it up in the kitchen, which is arguably one of my favorite pastimes, and not being so lazy when it comes to my own nourishment (if you looked at my bank statement it would read SEAMLESS all the way down. ridiculous!).

But you can still invite me out for Buffalo wings, and you best believe I'm having SANCOCHO on February 27, and platano con salami can't be beat. But now, I know the answer to "what do y'all vegetarians eat? And is it filling and/or nutritious?" because I lived it. No more obnoxious questions from me, I promise! And I also found another way to reduce my carbon footprint, which is always in the back of my mind. And not to get full-blown hippie on you, but it felt good to peel, chop, cook and eat things that came out of the ground. I could almost imagine that I grew them myself, which, of course, is my next goal.

Y'all be good.

And don't miss me too much.

Also, eat your greens, dammit.

smooches...with a fridge full of veggies and a head full of recipes
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don't bother leaving a comment because they're closed lol

Bikini Summer?: A Healthy Jaded Update

Where to even begin? Last time we spoke I shared my MRI results with you and the fact that I was told to go to physical therapy to fix my back. I've been going (UGH!) but I've not found my groove yet and neither has the therapist. Frankly, this whole process is going way too slow for me. Every week I ask "Can I work out on my own yet?" and every week he laughs and says "Maybe in a few weeks." It's been a few weeks and still my gym membership is on pause. Fucking-motherfucking-fuck!

I did get a maybe on yoga, but he added that I should avoid any of the forward bends. (Well, there goes my social life. RIM SHOT. PUN INTENDED!!!) But, errr, isn't 50% of yoga forward bends? What would be the point of going? And there's still a definite NO on personal training and HIIT workouts, and a "change of subject" when I asked about socacize. PHYSICAL THERAPY IS THE DEVIL'S HANDIWORK AND IS RUINING MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. There, I just needed to get that out.

The better news is my eating has been okay. Not great, but I've not resorted to eating McDonald's again. I'd say that 80% of the time I'm eating well and clean and healthy. That other 20% happens when I'm stressed or PMSing or I've breathed in oxygen; these things trigger my desire for Haagen Dazs, pizza, wings and chicken mole tacos from Maya Taqueria on Vanderbilt. OH MY GOD I want one right-the-fuck-now! Sorry, I'm supposed to be focusing on the good.

I'm still making sure I eat breakfast most days; about 99% of the time. Today was the first day I bought take out at work in over a month (and it was just $3.50 for two pieces of jerk chicken and five pieces of plantains from Christie's on Flatbush...although I was so tempted to get a chicken patty with coco bread!). And I've almost completely stopped shopping at Foodtown in order to get fresher food at Trader Joe's. I feel okay about these changes (which seem to have become permanent changes) but I know I could be doing more.

And of course I need to be doing more in terms of eating right because my Nazi physical therapist won't let me train hard. He's all "I'm going to put this on the lightest weight and just give me ten reps real slow." ARGH!! HULK SMASH! I don't even break a sweat! I have to resort to putting the warm-up bike on a super-high resistance and "gunning it" just to feel like I did something. All that beautiful gym equipment and I'm in the therapy room doing pansy-ass leg lifts. LEG LIFTS!

Listen, I'm going away for my birthday, to a place where the sun shines so bright and makes you so happy to be alive. And all I wanted for my birthday was to be able to rock a bikini on the beach like a true badass, as a precursor to playing mas in the West Indian Day parade. This past weekend, I even bought the stupid bikini, and it looks okay as long as I stretch my torso, suck in my gut and never breathe, eat or sit. If I can do that I'll be the sexiest bitch in purple EVER.

This photo was Take-100 because I had to make sure and
give you the illusion of a fit Jaded body!

But I wanted to look MORE than okay and time is already running out. YES, I should just follow the therapist's orders and NO I shouldn't be so worried with my looks and instead focus on being healthy, but you know what? I DON'T CARE.

Don't be fooled, folks- I'm in this for the bragging rights. For the pure pleasure of making bitches cry when I walk in the room looking fabulous. If I can bench-press your mom or run up the steps at West 238th Street in Riverdale and not get winded as a result of working out, well, that'd be a nice cherry on top. But on the real? I just want to look fly!

*smooches...having a Come To Jesus meeting with myself*
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the good thing is, I still understand that it will take hard work to look and feel great; no easy outs for me. but sometimes, I do wish there was a pill...

Patchen Avenue Memories

Cooking "Dominican" food always reminds me of my grandmother. Almost everything I learned in the kitchen I learned from watching her. My mom taught me lots, of course, but mostly my skills can be traced back to hovering over grandma in the kitchen because I was STARVING and yelling "When is dinner going to be ready!" over her shoulder.

(Please note that I got home from school by 3PM and dinner was always ready by 4:30, and I always had some cookies or a PB&J sandwich with milk after school. So I was just being greedy!)

Yesterday the homie Tiffany opened up her kitchen so that I could commemorate the Oscars and the last week of New York's Dominican Heritage Month with some traditional-esque cuisine.

Please trust that Grandma used dry beans, not canned stuff.
She was an OG that way.
(c) 2013 Tiffany via Instagram lol

As she and the others asked me questions about my process, it dawned on me that a lot of it is stuff Grandma used to do (a salt wash for the tostones and sealing the rice pot w/aluminum foil) and Mami taught me to do (stab the raw meat so the seasonings seep INTO the meat and not just onto the skin), and then the kitchen smelled like cooking oil and VOILA- I was a kid again pestering Grandma about the ETA of my dang grub!

This also brings up other memories of growing up in that huge railroad apartment in the heart of Bedford-Stuyvesant Brooklyn, especially after sharing a lot of those details this weekend during my little talk at Church of Monika, like:

> Riding bikes indoors because we couldn't go outside
> Hosting a variety show in the living room (with an invisible audience, of course)
> Giving nicknames to the regulars who passed by our window (Flower Boy, Portia [Porcupine], Rainbow Brite)
> Watching The Exorcist in the living room under a blanket after Titi Gloris got us cable
> Hand-washing my clothes in the bathroom sink, regardless of them going into the washer or not

It was a pretty good life, I must say, and I have amazing memories to last me a lifetime. I hope my kids will feel the same when I'm gone.

*smooches...very aware of everything all of a sudden*
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and so looking forward to going "home" next month

Trial & Error: A Healthy Jaded Update

Here's what's been good: I've been eating breakfast everyday. While that is a huge accomplishment on my part all by itself, please hold your applause until I tell you how healthy and amazing my breakfast has been. Oh, wait, I guess I just did. So yeah, over the past month, I've made it a point to eat a breakfast loaded with good, lean proteins and healthy fats [insert crude joke about oral sex here]. I also tried to incorporate some grains in the beginning (Ezekiel bread was recommended] but it left me feeling bloated so I nixed that and substituted good carbs like sweet potatoes and plantains. Afterward I down four different liquid supplements: vitamin D, cod liver oil (fermented), evening primrose oil and B-12.

SIDE NOTE ABOUT THESE SUPPLEMENTS: The vitamin D doesn't really taste like anything and neither does the evening primrose oil. And the B-12 jsut has a Tussin-esque essence to it but I can manage. That fermented cod liver oil, though...GOD HELP US ALL. That shit is so disgusting! I mean, you think you know what it tastes like because you've probably taken cod liver oil pills in the past but no. NO. This isn't a pill, this is two teaspoons (in a shot glass) of LIQUID. FERMENTED. COD LIVER OIL. I can still taste that shit in the back of my throat hours after I've taken it. BLECH! Aaaannnnnddddd I think I may be allergic to it to boot! Ever since I switched over to the fermented oil (I was taking the regular Norwegian type before) my throat has felt weird and closed off. I stopped taking it this morning and opted for the non-fermented one, which I'll take over the next few days and see if I notice a difference. (Hopefully this won't lead to a visit to the ENT although, fuck it, let me schedule an appointment anyway.) Also, they're expensive!

So far this has helped me focus in the morning, so I make sure and get most of my tedious TO DO items done before lunch when my productivity and my energy levels are high.

What's not been so good: I'm still working on not snacking at work (it's tough when you know there's a whole drawer full of Swedish fish and potato chips just five feet away) and finding the right meal at lunch that won't induce the itis and help me continue to be productive until it's time to go home. Regulating my blood sugar after 12pm has proven to be my Achilles' heel. GRRRRRR!

I've also not conquered night-eating NOR have I managed to get to bed at a decent hour, and those are KEY in improving my overall health. And finally, I continue to struggle with committing to my physical fitness (in fact, I just froze my gym membership until April because let's be real- I barely go when it's nice out. Now that it's tundric weather? Fuggetaboutit!) and to reducing my stress levels via meditation. Basically I'm still not putting my emotional and mental health first.

In the end, will any of these things I'm doing improve my fibroid situation? I won't know until April after my physical & OB/GYN visit. In the meantime I will continue to press on and fight the good fight.

I swear, I'd better live to be a zillion years old after all this...

*smooches...playing scientist with my own body*
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here's where my science background comes in handy

The Great Coquito Experiment

Sometimes I get an idea in my head to make something I've never made before, just because. Last week I decided I wanted to make a coquito (Puerto Rican eggnog) for a holiday party I was attending. ::sigh:: So here's what happened.

I don't know anyone who knows how to make this drink, and I've only ever had it once in my life at a Midtown-east restaurant. So of course I google-searched a recipe that I thought looked "right" and "authentic" and got to work.

First of all, there were too many liquid ingredients for the blender I was using, and I'm not very good at improvising things like that. Already I'm starting to panic. Then, I didn't have any cinnamon. WHAT IS EGGNOG WITHOUT CINNAMON? I thought I could use ground cloves instead. ::double sigh:: While all this disaster is happening in the kitchen, I'm starting to get the shakes because STUPID ME decided that a spoonful of condensed milk would be a yummy treat and would not affect me negatively at all. It was as if I were on a suicide mission...

Finally, the drink mix is "done" according to the recipe, but it's not thick like eggnog and the cloves were overpowering the life out of that drink. Also: RUM. The recipe called for only a cup of rum but honestly, it tasted like a gallon. Or maybe I'm just not used to drinking anymore. Whatever the case: RUM.

I waited for an independent taster (Irene) to give me her verdict and she didn't seem impressed, but it had RUM so she kept it. The portion I brought home I gave to my ex (who said it was good but maybe he was just being nice) when he dropped the girls off; I tried drinking it and my stomach yelled "RUM" and "CONDENSED MILK" and quickly asked the beverage to LEAVE the same way it came. Hot. Mess.

But you know what, I won't be defeated by this drink. I looked up a different recipe (this time I'm using one written by Daisy Martinez) and am going to try it again this weekend. It WILL be tasty. I will NOT eat a spoonful of condensed milk. I WILL make sure there is cinnamon in the house. People will come from miles around to have some of The Jaded NYer's FAMOUS COQUITO (with a little help from Daisy Martinez) and once again my plan to take over the world will succeed I will be a master of the kitchen.

Now all you have to do is invite me to your holiday party.

*smooches...looking for more guinea pigs tasters*
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just humor me; this too shall pass

Because I Forgot To Post On Thursday

...I'm sneaking in on Sunday night to pre-date something real quick. I know I said I would stop doing that but alas, blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse.

So here's my fake-Thursday-but-really-Sunday blog post: the Three Amigas on Thanksgiving (seeing as I didn't do a Thanksgiving post this year).

L to r: Crazy Mari, Lovely Me, Crazy Mami

What did we eat...hmmm, I remember there was rice and turkey, oh and Mari made a shrimp scampi and butternut squash soup. OH!! And Mami attempted and was successful at making some tostones cups. CHILD! They were the hit of the night! We all agreed that she needed to make them again (and again and again). And I made a pumpkin souffle that I didn't care for but everyone else enjoyed. It was an all-around good and yummy night.

Especially fun? Mami needing to go to bed after half a glass of white wine. Not so fun? Besides the bickering, realizing that the neighbors (renters!) are letting their nasty ass dog shit in Mami's yard. REALLY, THO? None of us went over there to say something because we couldn't trust any of our stankness levels to be low enough to be polite.

I was also low-key nervous about starting a feud with people BOLD enough to let their dog shit in my mom's yard like that. Who knows if, after I tell them off and then return to Brooklyn, they try to harass or harm my mom? Nah; couldn't take a chance.

How did y'all stuff your faces this year?

*smooches...really loving my hair in that pic*
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I'm getting better at styling it

The Jadeds Go To Brunch: A Restaurant Review

Last weekend, I took K out to brunch to Rosa Mexicano (the Union Square location) for her birthday, thanks to an offer I received through MasterCard Priceless Table. I don't usually big-up places like this in an entire post, but the place was so beautiful, the food was great, the service was impeccable and we had so much fun that I had to write something and spread the word!

Special thanks to our waiter, Camilo, who helped the girls "Rock the Guac," and our chef, Ed, who came out to talk to us about the food, his recipes and even treated us to some shrimp empanadas on the house!

Enjoy this picture post of our yummy day in the City!

K learning to scoop out the avocado for the guacamole.

N mixing up the yummy guac!

The finished product was BEYOND delicious!

Ns dish; a shrimp salad. YUMMY.

Ks dish; crabmeat enchilada. Drool-worthy!

Ks bday treat- chocolate cinnamon ice cream!

I can definitely see myself returning to Rosa Mexicano, except next time I hope it's on someone else's dime. These girls have expensive tastes!! My wallet wept...

*smooches...eager to go back and eat some more!*
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so listen, if anyone wants to treat me to dinner or something, now you know where to take me :D

We're Primal, Not Weirdos

Smarty P. Jones: What are you eating [for lunch]? Twigs n' berries?

ME: You know cavemen ate lots of meat, right?

SPJ: Of course they did.

ME: So you're confusing a paleo-friendly diet with those starving ass vegans. THEY eat twigs and berries. OUR food has parents.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Tuesday.

*smooches...clarifying shit*
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I'm sure I'll be getting hate mail from the vegans any day now. or maybe not. only about five people read this blog...

Fancy Jaded Cooking, vol. 1

Since I got a little smarter about what I eat I've had to be creative in the meals I prepare, especially since Frick and Frack are hating my very existence for switching to a modified Paleo lifestyle. K's exact words were "You won't let us eat ANYTHING!!" Typical dramatic 16-year-old. So I make an extra effort to incorporate things they will eat and throw in some stuff they don't like but will compromise on.

The other day I made a dish that made them happy and even got them eating SOME veggies, even if it was only a piece or two. It was "breaded" jerk shrimp on a bed of steamed mushrooms and green beans. Delicious!

How cute are my dishes, though?

I'm not the type to measure stuff for recipes- I'm a sight-cook like all the women in my family. It's how I learned, but the ballpark of it is like this:

1- Season the shrimp with lime, jerk seasonings (dry or wet) and whatever other stuff you usually add to shrimp. Just don't go overboard and confuse the flavors or make it too salty.

2- Coat the shrimp with almond or coconut meal. I don't use flour anymore and either one of these have made a pretty decent substitute.

3- Pan "fry" in a little bit of olive oil until done. Shrimp doesn't take long.

4- Throw the mushrooms (I use sliced baby bella) in with the shrimp at the last minute and cover so they can cook in the steam; cook the green beans separately.

5- Assemble in a fancy-schmancy way to disguise the fact that there's no bread or rice on your plate, top with homemade guacamole (optional) and enjoy!

Let me know if you try this at home and if it was as delicious as mine!

*smooches...thanking meals like this for my new waistline*
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just more proof that healthy eating can still be fun and tasty; why didn't I ever do this before?!?!

Junk Food Struggles: A Healthy Jaded Update

I fully acknowledge that, along this fitness struggle, food has been my biggest opponent. While I have nothing against fresh, wholesome foods and love to throw down in the kitchen, I often fall victim to emotional eating. Or rather, I use my emotional state as a crutch or excuse to eat poorly. I can only imagine the bad example I'm setting for my daughters, as demonstrated by yesterday's shopping trip with Thug Boogie.

We're in Foodtown, getting the essentials we needed that were on sale (it was the last day to get almonds at $2.69!!) when we came across the dreaded frozen food aisle. Usually I go to that area, grab some frozen veggies and waffles for the girls and keep it moving. But last night I wanted Buffalo wings. And Jamaican chicken patties. And a Salisbury steak TV dinner.

As I stood there salivating for all the really-bad-for-me-yet-tasty foods, N was cheering me on, encouraging me to chuck all of my senses and healthy eating guidelines and buy all of these salty treats. You may as well know: my kids give nan one fuck about a Paleo lifestyle. Nan. One. Fuck.

But as I heard the eagerness in her voice while she egged me on, I realized how much she sounded like a pusher/addict, and that reminded me how these foods take over your body. All of those additives...if I reintroduce them into my body, it's a wrap; I'll get hooked on them all over again and have to start from scratch. I can't do that! So I fought it and walked away. N was not amused...

ME: Stop tempting me with the devil!

N: Stop resisting the devil! The devil is delicious!!

*smooches...thinking of ways to convert my kids*
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I need to tear them away from all these crappy foods!

Sums Me Up Pretty Well

"I don't stop eating when I'm full, I stop eating when I hate myself." -comedian Louis C. K.

No amount of dance classes will conquer the power of salty potato chips and 1AM bagels. Fuck my life!

*smooches...pissed off with myself*
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I just want to crawl into my brain and fix whatever shit won't let me stop binging.

Dominican Heritage Month, Day 8

Grandma was the best cook I ever knew. Whatever she made was like manna from heaven on a plate. I used to sit in a little chair in the kitchen sometimes and watch her move about with such confidence: a dab of this, a pinch of that, a handful of the other.

Everything from memory without books or measuring tools. It was like a choreography that I couldn't wait to learn.

Unfortunately I deluded myself into thinking Grandma would be with us forever and the only recipe I was able to hold on to was of her farina. Every time I make it, I am transported back to that Patchen Avenue apartment.

My Tia Gloris has done a great job mastering sancocho but still, I miss Grandma's rendition.

Luckily for me and other Dominican-Yorks like me who've neglected to save their family recipes, there's Tia Clara's Kitchen. This website has the most authentic dishes from my childhood and just now I decided to work my way through it, Julie and Julia style.

Why don't you get a bit adventurous and try cooking some Mondongo (tripe soup) with white rice and sliced avocados on the next cold and rainy night, and it might give you a small taste of what it was like to have grown up like me.

Wonderful, beautiful, Dominican me.

*besos...longing for the smell of old cooking grease*
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nothing's yummier than chicken fried in grease that, just yesterday, was used for frying fish. YUM!

Re-Learning How To Eat: A Healthy Jaded Update

So, you're all familiar with my food issues, right? (If not, click here for a summary of it.) Well those issues are harder to fix than a motherfucker! Just when I think I've licked them, BAM! It's PMS Week and I'm plotting ways to break into McDonald's at 3:00AM to make myself a trough of fries. The only reason I haven't executed my most awesome B&E plan is because I'm afraid of going to jail. I'm too pretty for jail. Not even my PMS is strong enough to make me risk my freedom!

But I digress...

When I have these weak moments I get serious bouts of disappointment and depression weighing heavily on my mind. And that leads to dangerous conversations with The Voices: OK, Raquel. You just ate a salami and cheese sandwich at 2AM and that's not good, in particular because you don't eat pork and you're supposed to be weaning off bread and dairy! What's going to happen is this- after your bowels are done punishing you for ingesting all of those nitrites and by-products, you will not be allowed to eat anything but grilled chicken, veggies and salad. That's it! Nothing else for you! YOU'VE BEEN A BAD GIRL AND I HATE YOU I WISH YOU WERE DEAD YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE WHY DO YOU SABOTAGE ALL OF MY EFFORTS I'M DOING THIS FOR US WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!

And then I proceed to make another salami and cheese sandwich, along with some chips and possible a frozen waffle or two. Clearly this is Reason Number One And Only why I should go to bed earlier- if for nothing else (rest? who needs rest? rest is for suckers!) I need to be in bed before 11PM to curb my eating.

The problem here is my emotions are so tied to food, and it's been this way forever, so it's a hard habit to break. I suppose I can, on some level, understand drug addicts. I know that devouring a box of Reese's Pieces a day is killing me slow. But I'm not armed with the mechanism to find an alternate way to appease my anxiety. Not just yet. I'm looking for it, trust me, but it continues to be a struggle.

I suppose the only thing to do at this point is re-train my emotional and physical self to deal with food responsibly: eat only when hungry; have a reasonable portion; stick to fresh, nutritious whole foods. But I've yet to become the kind of person that can dive into a new lifestyle 100% without looking back and sampling the naughty bits. Especially because those naughty bits tend to trigger memories that comfort me.

Then, of course, once I slip my Catholic Guilt acts up and I'm compelled to pray a rosary for my intestines.

My poor, poor intestines. May god have mercy on their soul.

*smooches...dreaming of deep-fried things*
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you know the kind that's cooked in week-old grease? Mmmmm, delicious!

Noche Buena, Just Us Gals

Grandma must be happy. We were all there, in my kitchen/living room, eating talking laughing dancing and posing mid-chew:

We called Papi during the night, to say Merry Christmas, and it's not the same as having him here but it was still nice.

I didn't make rice, but my food was plentiful and tasty. And then we topped it off with some:

Honestly, this Christmas couldn't have been any better.

I love my family...they ROCK!

*smooches...just for my Ortiz ladies today*
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did I mention these leftovers are just...

Healthy Jaded Week: Resources And Costs

Let's have a real conversation right now: living a healthy life in this age is expensive. It costs time and money and sometimes even relationships. It involves loss. It requires fearlessness and diving into unknown waters. EXPENSIVE.

Buying fresh organic fruits/veggies and meats means the corporations that mass-produce the hormone-filled foods we've been eating will lose millions. It means the pharmaceutical companies that treat (but never cure) diseases borne of poor diets and obesity lose money, too. Maybe even some doctors get laid off. The "diet" industry begins to die down. All the tools used to keep us dependent and then scare us into complacency gone. We'd start thinking clearly and seeing what's really going on instead of focusing on bullshit like expensive material shit or being a size zero or having Kim K. ass.

Being healthy and fit requires us to take the red pill. And for some that's way too expensive.

But let's put all my conspiracy theories aside for now and discuss the tangible and immediate costs and how to circumvent them so you can stop taking the blue pill which costs a trillion dollars + your soul.

When I began this journey I was like you, comparing prices of gym memberships and fresh produce and cringing. Then I remembered how much insulin costs. And dialysis. And open heart surgery. And all of a sudden the cost of organic vegetables didn't seem so high. I mean, yeah, they were still pricey but I decided it was worth more to me to buy these vegetables than, say, buy a few drinks during happy hour. Once I made peace with that (and accepted that coupons and comparison shopping would now be my BFF) I had to find a way to pay for the costly fitness classes (I live near Park Slope, which means I have to pay Park Slope prices even though I don't earn a Park Slope salary. BOOOO!)

If you find yourself in this predicament, please take your broke ass to Groupon, Living Social, Tippr, Lifebooker and all the other daily deal services your city has to offer. Sure, the emails can get to be too much, but it made all the difference. You can also try various gyms around town for a week for free on a guest pass. Outside of NYC I hear the Y is usually cheap, too. In NYC, the Parks Dept. has rec centers that will only put you out $75 a year. A YEAR! And they have group fitness classes, gyms and swimming pools. For $75 a year. I've even heard rumors that some insurance companies will pay for your gym memberships.

If all of this is still too much money, you have the great outdoors and public parks that can easily turn into your personal gym- pull-ups on the monkey bars or swings; lunges and sprinting up hills; push-ups off the benches; brisk walks around your block. Hell, if lakes and rivers are your reality then jump in that bitch, too, and do some laps!

Basically, there are ways around all the excuses you have that keep you from working out and eating right. And if you have a killer support system like I do, it can't hurt. If you don't, here are some great blogs run by people who like to inspire- get you some:

Bangs and a Bun
Thru the Blue
Casa Robertson
Mark's Daily Apple
Bodhisattva Yoga
Circuit of Change

(feel free to suggest other sites in the comments)

I really hope this week of #HealthyJaded posts have made you think, promoted discussions and opened up a fitness pathway for you, too. I'm feeling so good about myself these days and I know it's because I'm taking better care of my body, which in turn is taking care of my mind. I want this for you. It feels awesome and I get to experience it without drugs, alcohol or McDonald's.

*smooches...ready to get back to triflin' shenanigans next week*
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this was fun, but, errr, I need to make fun of someone quick before I have a stroke...

Healthy Jaded Week: Food, Glorious Food!

Today's post will be short and to the point, because there really isn't that much I can add about eating for optimum health other than:

1- only eat when you're hungry; not because you're bored or angry or sad.
2- chew slowly; savor your food. hoovering it will cause you to choke! oh yeah, and you'll overeat.
3- eat things that contain as little ingredients as possible; 5 is a good number :)
4- run screaming from prepackaged, processed foods; eat food in it's natural state when you can. If you can't pronounce it or define it when reading the label, RUN. AWAY.
5- always eat breakfast. it took me a while to really follow this one but trust me- eating first thing after you wake up can make all the difference for the rest of your day.

6- do not partake of fad diets that ask you to do something for a set number of days. it's all about maintaining a new way of eating for the rest of your life- not just a week or a month!
7- proper fasting & cleansing never hurt anyone.
8- real butter will always be better than butter substitute. in fact the REAL food is always better than its substitute. this includes eggs, meat and especially sugar.
9- whole grains and soy products are not the friends we thought they were. I just learned this and it broke my heart.
10- a steaming cup of ginger and cinnamon tea will make your tummy SO HAPPY!

11- you don't need carbs for energy.
12- homemade is better than store-bought.
13- cilantro (or any fresh herbs) and garlic are your best friends.
14- in season fruits and veggies are EVERYTHING. but if your local market's produce looks like it lost a street fight w/a hooker, frozen will suffice.
15- an occasional indulgence won't kill you or your fitness goals. unless that indulgence is shooting up heroin. that might very well kill you.

*smooches...wishing you all bon appétit*
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and if you have your own food tips or recipes, leave it in the comments!

BLAH.

Today is one of those days where I fucked it up for myself by going to bed too late watching some ol' bullshit on Netflix, didn't do my morning meditation, skimped on my morning pages, woke up too late to make K a good breakfast before her PSATs, had to cancel my evening workout to take N to the doctor, found out the Dominican place on Flatbush doesn't serve sancocho on Wednesdays, REALIZED IT WAS WEDNESDAY and was zonked out at my desk from pure exhaustion.

I am exploding in slow motion; can you see it?

But on the bright side, I finally found some affordable lettuce and cauliflower. In fact, my entire early-morning shopping spree at 3 Guys From Brooklyn (on Fort Hamilton Parkway) came to a measly $10.18. And that includes nearly 3lbs of bananas (what? we like bananas!). So all is not lost.



Hopefully this crazy headache that appeared on Saturday and is still here will go away soon. SOON. HOPEFULLY.

*smooches...missing the summer season*
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it all seemed so simple then...

Frustration, Insomnia & Neutrality: A Healthy Jaded Update

When I first decided to get serious about working out/eating right, I envisioned that by the 4th of July I'd have this sexy, muscular, svelte body that would bring all the boys to the yard. I honestly thought three months would be enough time to undo all the bad stuff I'd done to my body while unemployed. After all, that's what happens on The Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club, so why not me? But the reality is it's June 15 and I'm still a fat cow.

And I'm okay with it for the time being.

The logical part of my brain knew all along that the people on those weight loss shows only lose so much so fast because they are focused on fitness 24-7. They're not going to work everyday or going home to mind their children. They get to be secluded and are only privy to healthy food options and are made to work out come hell or high water.

In Jaded Land, I have to get myself up every morning and travel into Park Slope to put my body through a grueling workout. Then I have to work at a desk for 8 hours in a profession that is prone to and encourages extreme snacking. Then I have to come home and cook meals for my kids that I have to eat in moderation or not at all yet still smell their deliciousness wafting under my nose.

Looking back, the logical part of my brain laughs heartily at the rest of me for thinking we'd be able to lick our anxiety and depression and insomnia with a few sessions of boot camp fitness classes. This insomnia is going nowhere. I make myself go to bed early but wake up at 3 or 4 AM and then find it hard to go back to sleep, which in turn makes me oversleep and miss class at least once a week. And my anxiety lifts me up out my seat in the afternoons and guides me toward the snack machine in the staff lounge to get a bag of potato chips.

About the only thing that I really truly look forward to is Monday night Pilates. It's hard work, and it makes my body work in ways it hasn't had to work since I last stepped foot in a dance studio at age 10. But after each class I feel no more tension in my shoulders and neck. My body feels loose and free. Anxiety is no more. It's like the whole world disappears and I am in tune with every part on my body 100%. I'm coasting on neutral all the way home.

I now realize and accept that my fitness goals are at least a year away. If it happens sooner then please believe I'll throw a party with SO MANY Buffalo wings on the menu you'd think it was Super Bowl Sunday. But I've let go of the expectation that I will have that dancer's body again in only three months' time.

And now that I've released that stress from my mind, maybe I can concentrate on conquering the others.

*smooches...content with my progress so far*
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hey, my lazy ass has conquered push-ups; do you know how HUGE that is in and of itself? sheeeeiiiiittttt...

Learning About My Body

So last week or so I had a bit of a meltdown. I was frustrated with all the work I've been doing to get fit and the fact that it was not being reflected on the scale or in the way my clothes were fitting.

After having a short one-on-one consultation with John Quinn of Captain Quinn's Boot Camp (my latest fitness class!) I've decided to give myself one more month before I visit the doctor to see if there's an internal problem we need to, ummm, FLUSH out. In the meantime I'll just stay focused on getting through each workout.

And I guess I should admit that I have lost some inches. Not enough to fit into the clothes I was able to wear just last year, but some. And I can hold myself in a full plank position for almost twenty seconds these days before I give in to my trembling muscles. Plus I can do almost two minutes of those god-awful "burpees" without throwing up or dropping dead. And, well, I might as well tell you that I've fallen in love with Pilates, officially naming it THE Jaded workout of champions.

While I'm confessing...I have dropped out of the 190's officially (WOOHOO) and graduated to TWO protein shakes a day to feed my muscles. I did surrender to some white rice on Sunday, but it was the first time in a hot minute. Listen, I don't give a FUCK what y'all say about white rice, that shit was DELICIOUS and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Sheeeiiiittttt, I topped it with some spicy grilled shrimp and, well, I did AWFUL things to that poor plate of food.

The point is, my eating & exercising has continued on a more responsible path. And I'm slowly but surely getting used to how I look in lycra/spandex *side eye*


Still no donk, but I never had one so maybe I shouldn't be so damn greedy *sad face*

So I'm sorry if I was showing my ass with that tantrum before, but see, I'm just learning to really, truly listen to my body- go to sleep when I'm tired, drink water when I'm thirsty, feed my belly BEFORE it starts growling & eating my other organs, and, um, using the facilities when it's called for and not holding it until I get home (which of course requires I let go my OCD/phobia of public restrooms. This was not easy last week when all the water in the ladies' room at work was BROWN. BLECH.).

I'm a little more confident now that the end results will be fabulous. At least for this week.

*smooches...determined, again*
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I know I'm hard-headed. just bear with me, y'all. I'll learn soon enough!