Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Frustration, Insomnia & Neutrality: A Healthy Jaded Update

When I first decided to get serious about working out/eating right, I envisioned that by the 4th of July I'd have this sexy, muscular, svelte body that would bring all the boys to the yard. I honestly thought three months would be enough time to undo all the bad stuff I'd done to my body while unemployed. After all, that's what happens on The Biggest Loser and Celebrity Fit Club, so why not me? But the reality is it's June 15 and I'm still a fat cow.

And I'm okay with it for the time being.

The logical part of my brain knew all along that the people on those weight loss shows only lose so much so fast because they are focused on fitness 24-7. They're not going to work everyday or going home to mind their children. They get to be secluded and are only privy to healthy food options and are made to work out come hell or high water.

In Jaded Land, I have to get myself up every morning and travel into Park Slope to put my body through a grueling workout. Then I have to work at a desk for 8 hours in a profession that is prone to and encourages extreme snacking. Then I have to come home and cook meals for my kids that I have to eat in moderation or not at all yet still smell their deliciousness wafting under my nose.

Looking back, the logical part of my brain laughs heartily at the rest of me for thinking we'd be able to lick our anxiety and depression and insomnia with a few sessions of boot camp fitness classes. This insomnia is going nowhere. I make myself go to bed early but wake up at 3 or 4 AM and then find it hard to go back to sleep, which in turn makes me oversleep and miss class at least once a week. And my anxiety lifts me up out my seat in the afternoons and guides me toward the snack machine in the staff lounge to get a bag of potato chips.

About the only thing that I really truly look forward to is Monday night Pilates. It's hard work, and it makes my body work in ways it hasn't had to work since I last stepped foot in a dance studio at age 10. But after each class I feel no more tension in my shoulders and neck. My body feels loose and free. Anxiety is no more. It's like the whole world disappears and I am in tune with every part on my body 100%. I'm coasting on neutral all the way home.

I now realize and accept that my fitness goals are at least a year away. If it happens sooner then please believe I'll throw a party with SO MANY Buffalo wings on the menu you'd think it was Super Bowl Sunday. But I've let go of the expectation that I will have that dancer's body again in only three months' time.

And now that I've released that stress from my mind, maybe I can concentrate on conquering the others.

*smooches...content with my progress so far*
hey, my lazy ass has conquered push-ups; do you know how HUGE that is in and of itself? sheeeeiiiiittttt...