Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Fallout: A Healthy Jaded Update

Exercise is good, they say, and yes, I suppose building a strong body to carry you into your twilight years is important. What they NEVER tell you is all the bullshit you encounter along the way.

Like shin splints. Know what this is? I didn't until last week, but now I have it. Awesome.

Or nausea at even the smallest morsel of greasy foods.

Or the need to buy more stuff to maintain this lifestyle, like vitamins, workout gear, Ace bandages, whey protein powder, heating pads, PAIN MEDS...the list goes on and on!

I know what I'm doing right now is better for me in the long run, but I miss the days of the Dollar Menu and couch surfing. I never thought I would but I do.

And perhaps that is the most troubling side effect of all: I thought embarking on this fitness journey would change me to my core (both literally and figuratively). I thought I'd become more pro-active about my life, more focused, more determined to succeed and make more and more positive changes in my life. But it never happened. Two months of working out and I'm still as sloppy, lazy, unfocused and unmotivated as ever. I've talked a good game but inside I don't believe any of it.

Sure, I get up to go work out, but not consistently and only because there was money involved that I didn't want to waste. And now that the injuries and extra, hidden expenses have started to creep in I'm starting to not want to do this anymore; fuck the results. That's exactly what I hear in my head-- Fuck. The. Results. I guess my endorphins are really no match whatsoever for my depression. I must have an acute case of Super Jaded Depression, the kind that eats endorphins for breakfast with a side of nails and then spits it out in your baby's face JUST TO WATCH IT CRY.

I'm not certain where I'll find myself when all my fitness vouchers are used up because it's become apparent to me that no amount of boot camp classes can change the fact that I don't really want to work hard for anything. It hurts to admit that to myself but there it is.

I don't want to do anything, ever.

*smooches...loathing this stubborn flaw*
in the meantime, let me go schedule the hell out of myself so I can finish up with these exercise classes already and go back to my regularly scheduled failure.

and I'm closing comments because I'm really not in the mood for unsolicited advice. thanks for reading, tho. love you lots :)