Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Jaded Fraud?? A Post In Real Time

So last month I got copies of my credit report so that I can assess what damage I'd done to my potential home-ownership & retirement plans. It was a lot of the same: Sallie Mae THIS, CitiBank THAT, and etcetera, etcetera. Pretty much what I expected (unfortunately).

That is UNTIL I saw a line that listed me having an ALTERNATE SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER.

Excuuuuuuuuse meeeeee?!?!?!?!

I had to look at it three times to be sure. Maybe I had written my number incorrectly somewhere at some point? But no- it was nowhere near close to my actual number. All signs were pointing to possible fraud somewhere. Le sigh.

So now all I can think about is that somewhere here on earth is a Bizarro Jaded, and she is living fat off the hog pretending to be Bizarro Me. She probably has a house and a boat and a Maybach (you like how I typed Maybach as if I know what that is? I heard someone use the word today and took it to mean "something flashy that rich people have" ::goes to Google:: OH. It's a car? Then yeah, Bizarro Jaded has a Maybach, too.).

She probably travels a lot to places where you can sunbathe topless and uses credit cards in my Bizarro name to keep her body right via spa treatments, plastic surgery and hydro-colonics. I bet you Bizarro Jaded doesn't sit at home in the heat in front of a dinky fan praying that her computer processor holds out for just ONE MORE YEAR because she's absolutely certain this will be the year she gets her money right and will be able to get a new computer, just so that she can watch reruns of "Family Ties" and "Veronica Mars" on Netflix. No, Bizarro Jaded is too busy shaking it fast at the Viper Room with MY JOHN CUSACK!!!

I hate Bizarro Jaded, and I hope she rots in hell. Her AND her Maybach. Fuck BOFE THEY COUCHES!

In the meantime, I had to place a 90-day Fraud Alert on my credit report with all three reporting agencies, as per the instructions given to me by the Federal Trade Commission's Fraud Hotline.

Fabulous. Now I'm on a whole slew of more "lists" out there. I'll never be able to shake The Man now.

*smooches...hoping for swift & just results*
if y'all would just hurry up and find me a Sugar Daddy I wouldn't have to care about such pedestrian things like IDENTITY FRAUD. I'd just run off to the Caymen's n shit...