Tuesday, June 09, 2009

They Call Me Alternate Juror #1...

But wait- I have an announcement first:

If you write fiction or creative non-fiction, reside in or near the Park Slope area and are serious about your craft, please contact me at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net. I've co-founded a writing workshop with two very talented women and am looking for 1-2 more people to join us every other Monday night for constructive criticism and feedback on submitted manuscripts. That is all.

And now the post...

As if I don't already have enough reasons for giving Obama the side eye (where my kids' reparations at, homie?), I can now add to my list of grievances:

Because I voted in the last presidential election the gu'ment found out where I was, served me with a jury summons and selected me for a criminal case.

YES. I am sitting on a criminal case... Could you just DIE?!?! They must not know 'bout me... and it's a murder case, too: JUICY! It's like a poorly-written, real life Law & Order and I can't wait until it's all over to tell you all their business.

As it stands, since I always try to stay on the "good" side of the law, I will only share with you what I can of this entire process: the jury selection.

First of all, I never realized how many ugly people reside in Kings county. Like for real, talk about the dregs of the dregs of society!

Second, NEVER go to jury duty without eating breakfast (like I did) because it can be damn near 3 o'clock before you get the chance to feed your belly (like I did). And passing out in court is NOT a good look.

Third, you know I love you a lot, right? So... I took notes (you can thank me in the comments) during the entire selection process before we got sent to the courtroom, and here are the highlights of my morning at 320 Jay Street:

1- Juror already kicked out/escorted out by cops for refusing to turn off iPod. We've only been here 20 minutes. LOVE IT! *shuts off iPod*

2- Why did ol' boy just show up hella late... in stunna shades? People- we gotta do better!

3- County Clerk had jokes: "If you no longer live in Brooklyn go see the clerk through the double doors. We're gonna make you write an essay about WHY you left Brooklyn!"

4- People are being excused for medical reasons? Does self-diagnosed manic depression count?

5- These people DO NOT have trouble understanding English... damn fakers!! How did they know to even get up just now when he asked the question?

6- Black Men: I'm gonna need for you to STOP wearing jeans with sparkly embellishments on the back pockets. That is all.

7- I'm writing a new script, "When Juries Attack." Tagline: What happens when the entire jury pool decides to take down the courts?

8- This Asian dude is named Peter Pan. Foreigners, PLEASE... research the culture before you choose your American name!

9- The judge looks and sounds like Jerry Springer. I have this urge to throw a chair and rush the stage screaming, "Keep your BLEEP BLEEP hands off my BLEEP BLEEP man, you BLEEP BLEEP!!!!!" Wait; the court officers have guns. Never mind.

10- 12PM and still no food in my belly. This bitch sitting next to me is about to lose her M&Ms. The hard way.

Now, before I went to jury duty, I got many tips on how to get myself dismissed and I was ready. But when I got there and Judge Jerry Springer spoke to us about duty and shit, and the inarticulate defense attorney said that the defendant's future was in our hands, I did feel a sense of responsibility. So instead of trying some shenanigans to get sent home, I answered truthfully from my heart.

Because when the day comes that I have to stab a fool in the jugular with a broken Stella Artois bottle, I would really like to think that the jury called to decide my case would do the same.

*smooches...actually feeling like part of the solution. for once.*
but seriously, I can't WAIT for it to be over... you know I'm bubbling over with gossip and details, right??? UGH!!! I want to tell you so much, but I won't. I'll be good.