Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Fear Factor

(Part 3 of 5 in the Jaded Depression series)

So yeah, I met someone...whatever. Don't make a big deal about it. I'm looking at you, Blogging Ladies of NYC- you know who you are!

And, well, like the title implies I'm afraid of the fact that I like him. Y'all know I have commitment, trust and minor daddy issues, so being with someone is rather difficult for me. I know I'm not the only one. Hell, he could have a secret blog where he's writing the same shit about me for all I know.

But this is MY blog so we'll deal with MY problem right now, OK? Thanks.

So anyway, I met this guy and I like him and it scares me.

We have a good time together- alone or hanging with a posse of our mutual friends. I enjoy speaking with him on the phone. Remember the telephone? That thing you hold up to your ear that connects you with another human being who's not able to be with you physically at the moment? Yeah, that thing. We use it to communicate. It's nice. And that scares me.

He's funny. He's a grown up. He's good-looking, easy-going, fun to be around, and emits this sexiness vibe that piques my interest. And that scares me.

He lets me be me and still checks me from time to time when I start wildin out, 'cause let's face it- I need to be checked. A lot. And if it didn't set feminism back like 50 years, I dare say once in a blue moon it wouldn't kill me to get popped in the mouth. Sure, I'd get my family to beat the piss out of anyone who tried it but still... a good mouth-popping might be in order with me.

[insert Celie telling Harpo to beat Sofia]

He's a "man's man" in the good sense and that shit is sexy. I cannot deny that that is the main attraction (besides the sense of humor; that attracted me first). I don't get the impression that I will ever break his will and THAT shit is sexy as hell. He even told me once on the phone, "everyone meets their match eventually," and I swear I think my girly parts woke up, rubbed the sleep out their eyes and were like, "You rang?" And that scares me.

I've already tried talking myself out of liking him; wrote to him less, called him less, cut our talks down claiming to be tired. Invented problems and conflicts, even claimed it was over when it really wasn't. Typical Raquel moves. Always trying to run away from real shit.

But I kinda think it was too late for my sabotage-tastic moves- I already liked him. Not like, "Oh marry me and let me carry your babies" like him, but more of a "Yes, let's spend some more time together, get to know each other more than on a superficial level and perhaps even break my vow of celibacy all over my bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, roof..." Like that.

And this is my worst nightmare, because that's when The Voices get involved and they start second-guessing everything and feeding me doubt sandwiches that I eat and eat and eat until I'm bursting at the seams with uncertainty.

"Did he just look at that girl?"
"Why haven't you heard from him?"
"He's only after one thing!"
"You are so wrong for him."
"It will never last; cut your losses now."
"You're better off alone... he's just gonna end up breaking your heart."

Scare-tactics: it's what's for dinner.

*smooches...looking for a new diet, high in self esteem*
it's so hard to manage depression AND be out on a date. Lord Jesus! I should be up for an Oscar with all this acting I've had to do...