Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"It's Always Been A Matter Of Trust..."

"Some love is just a lie of the heart..."

At what point does one come to the conclusion that what they feel for their significant other is *actual* love and not just something one thinks should be love because, well, just because?

I know for a fact I let myself live that lie when I was married. After many fights where he threatened to leave or suggested divorce I, me THE JADED FREAKIN NYER would fall to a fit of tears and tell him that I loved him and we had to give the marriage a try.

"...I know you have doubts, But for God's sake don't shut me out..."

But looking back, hindsight being 20/20 and all, how could I have thought it was love when I didn't even care enough to find a solution to our problems, and would instead offer him cold shoulders and the silent treatment. I never said what I really wanted to say because I was afraid the lie would be revealed: I don't really love you; I'm just afraid of being alone.

"...Some love is just a lie of the mind..."

There were days I would convince myself that I was in the wrong 100%- I was being a total bitch to a man who, instead of leaving me high and dry when I found out I was pregnant, took care of me and the baby like he was supposed to. Put his plans on hold to do so. Was mopping floors of the very campus center where he used to hang with friends just to put food on our table. Had to swallow his pride so we could afford diapers.

"...I'm sure you're aware love, We've both had our share of believing too long, When the whole situation was wrong..."

With time to reflect on that whole debacle of a relationship and its effect on my subsequent relationships I realized that I put too much importance on what HE thought of me and what I thought of HIM and not what WE thought of OURSELVES. And when I think of the self-esteem issues we both brought to the table and took away with us when it was all over, I knew that it all boiled down to trust.

"...Some love is just a lie of the soul..."

I mean, isn't low self-esteem just not trusting in your god-given worth? Never trusting that you're good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, sexy enough, SMART enough, funny enough and just ENOUGH enough for the person you're with? Never trusting that you have the qualities to keep someone interested in you in the long run?

It has taken a bunch of years to be able to say this out loud, but when I say I have trust issues, it doesn't mean I don't trust in YOU. It means I don't trust in ME.

But I promise, I'm working on it...

*smooches...thanking Billy Joel for the strength to come clean*
the sad part is this extends into my professional life, too. why do you think my thesis remains unfinished? stories remain unsent?

but I'm working on that, too. Promise!