Thursday, February 14, 2013

Like A Handprint On Her Heart

Sometimes, in the middle of all the crazy and the stress, I take a step back, a deep breath and take it all in. Ten years ago I was still married, living in Riverdale with a third grader and a toddler and a pretty decent job as a program assistant at Horace Mann School, and taking writing classes at CCNY. I thought it was a comfortable place to be in life. There was a nasty undercurrent of unhappiness, yes, but like a true recovering Catholic, I still knew how to swallow the bad feelings and put on a happy face.

Today, I don't have it all together and most days I don't know how I'll survive to see another day under the crushing weight of my responsibilities, but I make it happen. I truly amaze myself with how cunning and creative and strong I can be, even if I doubt myself every step along the way. And honestly, if I could do all over again I would NEVER have kids, and that's the honest-to-your-Judeo-Christian-god truth. However, seeing my girls, almost all grown up, on a good path in life and pretty much each other's comfort in this world, keeps me grounded and relaxed in times of struggle. If I can make them alright then I will be alright and then everything will be alright.

I can't believe they were ever teeny-tiny babies.
Yes, there is a five-year age difference.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you I have been changed for good"

*smooches...taking comfort in a continuous job well-done*
yes, those lyrics are from Wicked. Yes, we're seeing it again this spring. Yes you can come with us. No I won't buy your ticket.