Thursday, November 06, 2008

My Concession Speech...

Forget all the love I was dishing out yesterday... the First Black President euphoria has worn off and reality has set in...

Dammit, America, you've let me down yet again. Just when I thought we saw eye to eye on the issues, that we were on the same page on all the issues, you go and do this to me.

You elect Barack Obama as President of the United States.

For SHAME! What would your forefathers say?? Somewhere, George Washington is cursing like a sailor, "I fought the British for THIS bullshit? Nah, man, get my face off y'all damn money!"

And now, because you have betrayed me so, I have to date a white man.

Yes, you read correctly.

For those of you who don't know or remember, Lani & Mari went in on a bet with me stating that if Obama won, which I found highly unlikely, I'd date some bland little Anglo. I figured, if America was gonna act all color-blind (HIGHLY UNLIKELY) then so could I, but I really truly did NOT think he'd win.

Next thing you know, the fucker got the fakakta nomination and now? Motherfucker is President.

I'm officially in mourning.

The worst part is that Mari is already putting on her Evil Scientist cap and has her operatives scouring all of Williamsburg for the most despicably gross specimen of White Man: The Brooklyn Hipster.

*throws up a little in mouth*

My god, my god, why hast thou forsaken me? Must I really go through with this? Is there really a Hipster out there so DESPERATE that he'll let Mari set him up with her mean and Jaded older, divorced sister, who happens to be a single mother of two carrying around about 20 years of bad man baggage and 15 pounds of excess weight?

Hmmm... maybe I shouldn't be so sad and forlorn just yet... I doubt such a loser exists...

But question: Does this mean that Blacks will be getting Reparations now? If so, tell me because I need to call C and tell him I may have made a mistake with this whole "divorce" thing... "I was only kidding, hon, we belong together. No, really. So... when's your Reparations check coming in???"

*smooches...preparing myself for all the dumb ass conversations I'll have to have on my date*
"no, actually, I don't think Deathcab for Cutie rocks"
"did you really just say fo'shizzle?"
"oh, please, yes, tell me why you think Obama is 'The Man'"
"yes, thanks; I love my skin color, too"

"really? you're into old school hip hop? there's a shocker.."