Friday, May 30, 2008

What It's Like To Have A Good Relationship With Your Ex

This seemed fitting, seeing as lately all around me there has been some hostility between ex-lovers, husbands, wives, etc. And it all seems so silly to me, especially when there are children involved. Not to be all holier than thou and what not but damn- why can't people learn when to just let shit go?

I guess I just wanted to show that it doesn't have to be a bunch of hateration and game playing (NATE!) and using kids as pawns (Puta Face, I'm looking at you...), that there can be a light at the end of the crazy divorce or break-up tunnel, and I know because I'm so there!

My marriage was BLECH- you know this, I know this, hell HE knows this. And when it ended I think we both saw it coming a mile away but were too passive aggressive to actually make a move. Of course, not to put anyone on blast *wink wink*, but the solicitation of WHORES via Craigslist will put an end to any relationship... in my humble opinion. (Ok, that was mean but whatever... ain't neva said I was perfect...)

But after the initial blow up, which found me in a lawyer's office off Jamaica Avenue and him yelling at me over the phone, "Why is the computer password protected all of a sudden?" we agreed to meet over coffee to decide on the terms of the separation and subsequent divorce, so as to make everything fair, quick and as painless as possible.

Which basically means I got everything I asked for and he signed on the dotted line.

And y'all must be like "What a fucking punk!" but no- he was very smart. Actually, we both were; the divorce was the smartest thing we ever did, and seeing as we both had deep, deep academic backgrounds we approached this with reason. As in, he agreed to all of my terms because he is a reasonable man and saw that my terms were reasonable, too.

(No, I will not disclose them here! Damn! Mind yo bizniz!!!)

For us, the bottom line was the well-being of the kids above all else- above our comfort level, pride and personal problems. Whatever disdain I still felt for him the fact remained that he was not going anywhere, so I could choose to be bitter about it or make some sweet ass lemonade that I could sip on the wrap-around porch of life.

Of course, he and I had a decent foundation; deep down, beneath the hurtful words and infidelity and trust and communication issues, we were friends once. We liked the same things, had similar goals for ourselves, our respective families and the babies. We had the same sense of humor and appreciated a lot of the same wide array of life's gifts. Without that foundation we would have *surely* been a Jerry Springer episode... me with my firey Dominican temper and he with his laid backedness (you like how I just made up that word?) that made me just want to shake the shit out of him! Oh what an episode that would have been. Big Steve would've had to restrain me for real!

So what's it like? Like this: Today, we sit down with our calendars and plan out the visitations with total consideration for each other's schedule. You'd be so proud of me!! Whenever something is up with the girls, good or bad, I notify him. I make sure he's cc'd on any and all school communications. He has a say in punishments even if it's taking place in my house.

Once in a blue moon he'll call to tell me something funny he just read, watched, heard, and I'll do the same. We still know how to share a laugh. Just the other day, when he dropped the babies off, I forced him to taste this nasty-ass Toffuti Ice Cream that's "supposed to" taste like butter pecan, but actually just taste like vanilla-flavored freezer frost. Because that's the kind of people we've always been, and it really doesn't matter that we aren't together anymore- that hasn't changed.

I'm totally comfortable calling or texting him at any hour of the day for help with useless pop culture trivia questions, because he's good at that kind of stuff and my memory is forever damaged thanks to all that acid I dropped in the 60s.

Every year, without fail, we take the babies to see the Rockettes in the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, and it never feels weird, as if this is the way it should've been from jump.

Not to say that, when the babies are gone and out of earshot, I don't clown him with my friends. Shiiiit, I'm only human after all! But ours is a very civilized and friendly arrangement. Even if Mari claims that we "work" ONLY because he's afraid of me...

...who'd be afraid of lil ol' me??

*smooches...hoping that all my efforts will save me from a lofty therapy bill for the girls*
it is my wish at this time that everyone who finds themselves in what seems like impossible situations with an ex find the peace of mind I have found, that they and/or the other party involved finally get that it takes a lot more effort to stay mad than to just make some damn lemonade already. I could use some company on this here porch!