I'm not an affectionate person. I'm just not.
I won't try to justify it or rationalize it or blame it on anyone who raised me, I'll just say it like it is- I'm not affectionate.
With my kids, with men, with family (except my grandparents)-- nothing.
I am empathetic- I will cry at sad movies, and seeing other people cry (especially men) makes me cry; I can feel what the other person is feeling, and a person in need will trigger within me a desire to help (whether or not I help is another thing altogether), but
I, MYSELF. AM. NOT. AFFECTIONATE.
I want to emphasize this to preface an email K sent me this morning. But first, a tiny bit of a set-up.
Friday her dean calls to say she'd been crying all day and wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong. He was refusing to dismiss her until she spoke up so he called me. I finally had to drag out of her that she was just "not happy with this year" and claimed it was her grades, etc. And I know I whooped her ass for her report card before, but it was more because she lied to my face and wasn't doing any work and NOT because her grades were poor because they weren't. The child IS my child, after all, and has a solid 94 average even with her shenanigans, okay?
So whatever, I had some real talk with her, basically telling her to chill the fuck out because it's not like she was going to wind up at Dummy High or anything. Then I called her dad and Mari to alert them that this NEEDY-ASS CHILD needed some reinforcements and that they should call her and set her right. I figured it was squashed and we could now move on.
But no, today this NEEDY-ASS CHILD sends me this email:
On Friday, I wasn't only crying because of my grades. It's that nobody wants me. The only person who I can think of that wants me is Grandma and N. You and Daddy don't want me, everyone in my school thinks I'm a freak, i don't know who my real friends are, and [that stupid-ass cracker bastard who dumped her] doesn't like me either. And I'm not happy. Like I told you, this hasn't been the best year for me.
WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK?!?!?!
Now some of you just read that and were probably like, "awww, poor baby" but my first reaction was WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK!!!!!
What more does this child want from me???
And here's some more real talk- and if you're sensitive you might want to leave now; I won't blame you if you never come back, it's all good...
I never wanted to be a mother. And I still don't.
I went through with that pregnancy because I was dealing with a serious case of Catholic guilt and I took it as my penance for going against the Church. It was to be my cross to bear. And dammit if I'm not bearing that shit to the fullest. I was not in love with her father and I KNEW in my heart of hearts I was NOT maternal. I knew how to go through the motions alright, I mean, who can't be nice to a baby? I'm not that much of a monster, but I'm not maternal.
I'll feed you when you're hungry, bathe you, clothe you, send you to school, nurse you when you're sick (to an extent- I don't *do* vomit), teach you to be strong and independent and hand you most of the skills to survive in this godforsaken place, but god-fucking-dammit!!! That's all I got, woman!
I don't coddle, I don't use baby-talk- it's the real-deal Holyfield from me.
And then I get that email and it's like a punch to the goddamn face!! I'm drowning in debt, working my ass off, moving to a neighborhood far from my family so they could attend good schools, not dating- even though her father is dating someone- because SHE ASKED ME NOT TO, going without so they can have whatever they need, and now she wants to come with this pre-teen woe-is-me bullshit?? FUCK. THAT.
Grow a fucking backbone, number one.
Number two, learn to appreciate what and who you have.
Number three, cry me a river, build a FUCKING bridge AND GET OVER IT!
So, true- I didn't want to have her but here she is. I don't complain (much!) or regret it because I made my choice and there's no going back and I know that, so I'm making due with my choice. I'm living with it and make the best of it. Shoulda, woulda, coulda never made anything better- I live by that mantra.
But I've given her all I am capable of giving. I have nothing left. I don't know what the fuck more she wants from me, but I have a feeling its the one thing I don't have to give.
I believe this is what's known as an impasse.
*smooches...leaving the comments open because I can take it as well as I dish it*
------------
and YES, Jack, I realize I will have to take this child to a shrink, much as I loathe to even think it because they're going to either blame me or try and medicate her or both, but I'll do it because I'm her mother and it's what I have to do.
so don't bother leaving that suggestion in your comment. I'm already on it.
in the meantime, I'm about to break out that bottle of whiskey I promised myself I wouldn't finish.
That's right, whiskey. On a Sunday night. WHAT OF IT???
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26 comments:
Well, where the fuck doI start?!?!?
Anywhere,I guess.
That you didn't WANT to be a mother - and STILL don't ...I think you need to take your own advice on this one. You're a smart girl, jaded nyer, and your advice was sheer brilliance:
Cry yourself a river, build a bridge ... and get over it.
In the words of Tavis Smiley, "Do all that you can do with all the integrity you can muster."
And you can muster up a little more for K.
Use wood - and prime it real good, just in case your river crests.
but I make no promises about the effect of spilled whiskey.
@jack- thanks for the realness
*calls the lumber yard*
uhm...okay than.
Have you tried faking it? I have gotten pretty good at it my self I've convinced women that I actually do want to cuddle.
Im not sure how the whole parenting thing works, my own family was pretty much affection free, but I am sure providng for a kids emotional needs comes with the job. I think you can do it.
@clnmike- fake it? won't she notice? I think that'd make it worse...
I thinks she needs to just "man up" and tell me what the hell she wants, and if she doesn't get it, she needs to deal with it. same way I did. I'm just sayin
and LMAO @ you faking the cuddle... that's just WRONG man! :)
hmmmm...what's there to say, really.
First off, the fact that you didn't want to be a mom and then made the concious choice to have a second one...you know what I'm getting at.
Secondly, the fact that you don't want to be a mom is most likely resonating from your actions and K isn't stupid. She is right...you don't want her. Sadly, it's not a false statement.
Thirdly, Jack is right...you know what you are doing right and wrong. You need to work it out. It's you who needs to "man up" and "get over it". You say you have no regrets, but that's just denial. You DO regret having kids. If you look at some of your past posts, it pretty obvious.
Maybe it's time to seriously consider giving C full custody. Cause it seems as if the kids just cramp your style. You are single and you like being single. Nothing wrong with that. But being a parent is a full-time all comsuming big shit thing (sometinhg that I am learning all too well these days) and if you aren't really fully commited to it, you do more damage than good.
So, you either accept that you're a mom and go full force into it or don't bother at all. I know that you can't force certain feelings and you cannot fake them. You need to decide how important it is to you to have a good relationship with your kids. What is the legacy you want to leave them? You say you are not affectionate? That's total bullshit. I've seen it. It's in there somewhere. What is it worth to you to find it?
(sorry if this comes off mean or judgemental, but hey...we are who we are, right?)
I have a theory that all girls are crazy, right around the pre-teen age they simply loose they mind. I'm not looking forward to it. Good luck though.
@irene- giving C full custody... hasn't that just been the pink elephant in the room from day one?
I've seriously thought about it, but honestly came to the conclusion that
A) I'd be the lesser of two evils- we've all seen C in action, and
B) the flack I'd get from my family was not something I was willing to face, chicken-shit that I am, and
C) I didn't want to be the bad guy. but that doesn't seem to be working out because somehow I'm *still* the bad guy in her eyes.
so I chose to keep her, and he was more than happy to sign those papers.
but you're right- I don't want to regret it but I *do* regret it. Hell if I know how to make it better. And I know you and I BOTH know what kind of mothers each other has... I don't want to be like that but I suppose I turned into her anyway.
It is the hardest thing in the world for me to show that girl any affection and I really don't know why. I mean, part of it is her personality- especially now at 12 she's at that age where she's just NOT likeable(sp?), but that shouldn't be a deterrant from me showing her affection, right?
I just wish she would tell me what the hell she wants, 'cause when I ask her she gives me that blank stare and shrugs her sholders and I swear to god I just want to shake her!
@homer- I think it's harder for a mom and daughter and a dad and son to get along, so you should be fine with your daughter. At least I'm hoping that for you :)
Well, being a pre-teen, she is going to be quite emotional. Actually, she has always been a bit emotional, hasn't she.
So I am sure her feelings are much more intense because of the insane hormones. Remember you at 12 with your period? Hell, think of you now with yur period. Aunt flow is a bitch. Well, at 12 it's like she has her period ALL THE TIME!*shiver* I am scared to even think about it. LOL!
She needs you to show her love. It is hard for you and I because of what we grew up with. Even though you don't want to blame them, our parents made us who we are. There are times when my marraige barely survives because the adult I turned out to be is a direct product of my childhood. Some people would call that passing the blame, but I have been in therapy. I have researched, studied, and processed it all and honestly, there is no other explanation.
All you can do though, is try your best. Not every woman is meant to be a mother. And if you seriously feel that you cannot do more for K, you absolutely must do what is best for her. And if that means sending the girls to C, then who the fuck cares what your family thinks. It is all about you and your daughters. You don't want to look back and think later on, "I could have done better". Do what's best for them and you will always be doing the right thing.
Oh, and from a personal perspective...
Over all the beatings and hospital visits I had to deal with over the years of my life, the worst part of growing up (and sadly, even now) was knowing that my mother never wanted me and never loved me. The other stuff was just fluff.
Knowing that the one person who is supposed to care about you the most simply doesnt...
...that is a deep deep deep wound that is so hard to work past. At least is was (is) for me.
You can never let then think you don't care about them. So if you can't fake it...
@irene- I don't like all this truth you're throwing at me today...
"what is this salty discharge leaking from my eyes??"
I'm not ready to deal with my mom issues. jack and I have dabbled in it before: I don't have daddy issues because THAT guy doesn't exist to me and Papi was an awesome dad.
I have mom issues and I'm too scared to open up that can of worms.
It's much easier to blame the church and use humor to cover shit up.
on a serious note, though, I hear what you're saying and I know it's true; I DO care about her, of course I do. I know at least that to be a fact. how to show it??? well, you got me...
whatever, though; I know whatever shrink we take her to is going to force it out of us eventually, dammit!
LOL@"I don't like all this truth you're throwing at me today..."
Honey, I ask myself a lot of introspective questions since I have been a wife and mother. You are not alone.
Anyway..we are on for a girls weekend the end of the sumer, right? Maybe Montauk? I just need two nights of fun, relaxation. No kids, no men, no drama. Lot's of alcohol. Lani, maybe Cathi, maybe Nina. Is Celia gonna try to get preggers this summer? I think I remember her saying as much last year.
honey, you know I need ZERO excuses to drop my kids off with their dad and drink myself into a stupor... you should put together an e-vite and send it out to all the ladies! we do need to get drunk with Celia one more time before she gets all motherly and sober on us! (love you, celia!!!)
I think you have to realise your girl does NOT understand what you are going through at this time, but you have to understand what she is. I know it's hard, but she needs some support now--I hope you remember what it was like to be a pre-teen. The whole world was against you but the one thing that REALLY made you sad was the fact that you felt your parents did not understand you.
Yes, she has to learn to be strong, and she will, but people young and old need at least ONE person they feel they can count on when their lives are spiraling out of control. I think she wants you to be that person because after all, you are the strong woman in her life and she's looking to you to show her how to deal with her feelings of lonliness.
Even if you don't empathize, you can still be a teacher.
I'll feed you when you're hungry, bathe you, clothe you, send you to school, nurse you when you're sick (to an extent- I don't *do* vomit), teach you to be strong and independent and hand you most of the skills to survive in this godforsaken place, but god-fucking-dammit!!! That's all I got, woman!
hahahahahahahahahaha. you snapped out then, i see. that email definitely made me say, "awww." either she really means it or she has learned from the best when it comes to empathy.
there is no doubt in my mind that you place a hard exterior up, knowing that you are sweet as sugar and will kill for your child. Number three, cry me a river, build a FUCKING bridge AND GET OVER IT! - you need to stop playing so much. lol.
@sweetabear- girl I will try, but you know my side eye be creeping up on me sometimes... I hear what you're saying though. it's a long, hard road ahead with this one, man. By the time N gets to be this age I'm just going to hand her a kitchen knife and say, "just do me in now..."
@don- I would *hire someone to* kill for my child (I'm too cute to go to jail)... why can't she see that and let that be enough? Kids today are so damned spoiled and greedy! I blame the media!!
sweet as sugar? ME? oh, grasshopper, you have much to learn
*gives don the side eye*
Definitely not going to stop reading you because of this... this is real and I am the same way... that's why I pray to God that I have boys... because I am not going to be an affectionate mother... I am NOT a nurturer..
I wish I had some advice to you on how to handle this situation but I dont... I do have a book that I gave my little cousins when they felt un loved... they come to me about everything ... they are 16 & 17 now and this was 2 years ago.
The blueprint for my girl by yasmin shiraz...
Thats the only advice I have from someone who has no kids but has big the big sister all her life
Girl, you need a break. I'll try to keep it short, you ARE a Great mother. Jack said it perfectly, so did Irene except for the part with Fuck what your family thinks because you know WE'RE ALWAYS there for you!!!!!!!!and Support you with whatever decision you take or need. Now if you want me to be totally honest, I did tell you a couple of times to give / and show a little more attention to K, I told you what she said a couple of weeks ago, but hey being a mom / parent doesn't come with a Manual, and you DO the best for them even when it's not financially feasible for you! oh and about the cuddling Jesus you're the Queen! I think N's cavities from all that sugar you give her, those girls adore you!! You're a good mommy.
And you know what I mean by sugar.
@eb- thanks, girl. I will definitely look out for that book, I appreciate it!
@minnie- why you trying to make me cry heifer? I have a reputation to maintain, HELLO, McFLY?!?!
and on a sidenote, this may be mean, but it's sort of easier to give N sugar because she has an awesome personality... was that wrong?
im really feelin this post
i have trust and intimacy issues and i know thats stopped me from getting close to folk
u best gon head and fake the funk.lol
then tell her to get her young ass over it
honestly tho
u can only give what u have
can i tell u a secret?
i didn't want to be a mom either.
and some days i still don't
so im not mad at u for saying it
in fact i love that u said it
too many times women lie about this shit called motherhood like it's the best experience ever
but it's not
and when they (the kids) after all we do for them turn around and act like all our sacrifice aint about shit...
then, hell.
i'm riding with u all the way on this one.
i do hope K feels better soon.
im sure it's tough being a pre-teen these days.
im crying a lil' bit cuz i know how this must've hurt u 2 read that she thinks u don't want her.
and that she even feels that way.
too bad y'all can't see into each others hearts.
-1-
I was thinking...
I believe the reason K has such a depressed personality may be because of where you were in life when you had her.
First off, you were in Alfred. And after being there awhile, honey I was depressed.
Secondly, you were in a relationship you didn't want to be in.
Thirdly, you were a college student and you had no money.
And lastly, you were way TOO young to have a baby. It's like having K stunted your adult growth temporarily and instead of concentrating on you, you had a child to be responsible for.
Compare that to the situation with N - although you were still in a bad relationship, you were closer to family, back in the city you loved, had an income of your own...
It makes sense that N would be so much more lively and well, like you.
Just some obversations.
You know I love you. You also know I know exactly how you feel. But you need to look in her eyes, and see the part of her that IS YOU. Because every time I see her that's all I see.
We need to blame no one. We need to love ourselves, because like it or not, our children are just us. Usually the part we want to hide from the rest of the world.
You've met mine.
Honestly i don't even fault you, you are entitled to your feelings and the fact of the matter is that I can't talk, i got trust issues, i just kicked a dude out of my house underhandedly cause I don't trust him, and if I got pregnant, you might as well sign me up for suicide watchlist cause that's how I rolls, So trust... I understand where your starting point in this situation is... .but them moffocking babies BE tenderheaded and tenderhearted for a long while
OHHH I g back and read mom issues... yeah... that.... I haz them, alright, as in exactly what Irene said to where I'd do anything to keep myself from becoming my mom or A mom, it just ain't fair to fuck up someone else in the process
now
i am an affectionate person, but i would have done the same exact thing. get over it homie.
i showed my babies pictures of folks eating mud pies in haiti... they ate each and every bite of their food, ungrateful curs ...
i feel you though...
i guess the heartbreak really broke her down
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