Monday, May 05, 2008

Eighteen Days And Counting: This Post Might Make You Want To Never Come Back

I'm not an affectionate person. I'm just not.

I won't try to justify it or rationalize it or blame it on anyone who raised me, I'll just say it like it is- I'm not affectionate.

With my kids, with men, with family (except my grandparents)-- nothing.

I am empathetic- I will cry at sad movies, and seeing other people cry (especially men) makes me cry; I can feel what the other person is feeling, and a person in need will trigger within me a desire to help (whether or not I help is another thing altogether), but


I want to emphasize this to preface an email K sent me this morning. But first, a tiny bit of a set-up.

Friday her dean calls to say she'd been crying all day and wouldn't tell anyone what was wrong. He was refusing to dismiss her until she spoke up so he called me. I finally had to drag out of her that she was just "not happy with this year" and claimed it was her grades, etc. And I know I whooped her ass for her report card before, but it was more because she lied to my face and wasn't doing any work and NOT because her grades were poor because they weren't. The child IS my child, after all, and has a solid 94 average even with her shenanigans, okay?

So whatever, I had some real talk with her, basically telling her to chill the fuck out because it's not like she was going to wind up at Dummy High or anything. Then I called her dad and Mari to alert them that this NEEDY-ASS CHILD needed some reinforcements and that they should call her and set her right. I figured it was squashed and we could now move on.

But no, today this NEEDY-ASS CHILD sends me this email:

On Friday, I wasn't only crying because of my grades. It's that nobody wants me. The only person who I can think of that wants me is Grandma and N. You and Daddy don't want me, everyone in my school thinks I'm a freak, i don't know who my real friends are, and [that stupid-ass cracker bastard who dumped her] doesn't like me either. And I'm not happy. Like I told you, this hasn't been the best year for me.


Now some of you just read that and were probably like, "awww, poor baby" but my first reaction was WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK!!!!!

What more does this child want from me???

And here's some more real talk- and if you're sensitive you might want to leave now; I won't blame you if you never come back, it's all good...

I never wanted to be a mother. And I still don't.

I went through with that pregnancy because I was dealing with a serious case of Catholic guilt and I took it as my penance for going against the Church. It was to be my cross to bear. And dammit if I'm not bearing that shit to the fullest. I was not in love with her father and I KNEW in my heart of hearts I was NOT maternal. I knew how to go through the motions alright, I mean, who can't be nice to a baby? I'm not that much of a monster, but I'm not maternal.

I'll feed you when you're hungry, bathe you, clothe you, send you to school, nurse you when you're sick (to an extent- I don't *do* vomit), teach you to be strong and independent and hand you most of the skills to survive in this godforsaken place, but god-fucking-dammit!!! That's all I got, woman!

I don't coddle, I don't use baby-talk- it's the real-deal Holyfield from me.

And then I get that email and it's like a punch to the goddamn face!! I'm drowning in debt, working my ass off, moving to a neighborhood far from my family so they could attend good schools, not dating- even though her father is dating someone- because SHE ASKED ME NOT TO, going without so they can have whatever they need, and now she wants to come with this pre-teen woe-is-me bullshit?? FUCK. THAT.

Grow a fucking backbone, number one.

Number two, learn to appreciate what and who you have.

Number three, cry me a river, build a FUCKING bridge AND GET OVER IT!

So, true- I didn't want to have her but here she is. I don't complain (much!) or regret it because I made my choice and there's no going back and I know that, so I'm making due with my choice. I'm living with it and make the best of it. Shoulda, woulda, coulda never made anything better- I live by that mantra.

But I've given her all I am capable of giving. I have nothing left. I don't know what the fuck more she wants from me, but I have a feeling its the one thing I don't have to give.

I believe this is what's known as an impasse.

*smooches...leaving the comments open because I can take it as well as I dish it*
and YES, Jack, I realize I will have to take this child to a shrink, much as I loathe to even think it because they're going to either blame me or try and medicate her or both, but I'll do it because I'm her mother and it's what I have to do.

so don't bother leaving that suggestion in your comment. I'm already on it.

in the meantime, I'm about to break out that bottle of whiskey I promised myself I wouldn't finish.

That's right, whiskey. On a Sunday night. WHAT OF IT???