Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Eve Was FRAMED!! (A Letter To The Catholic Church)

Dear Pope Benedict XVI:

I'm writing to you today in the hopes that you will finally help me in putting to bed the whole myth of Eve being the fall of man. Pope John Paul would not heed my letters during his reign, er, service to the Church, but you seem like a reasonable man.

Here's the issue- for as long as I can remember, I was told that Eve, the first woman made of Adam's rib, fell prey to the serpent's trickery, ate of the forbidden tree of knowledge, and then offered Adam some, too.If I recall the story correctly, when God approached the pair, it was Adam who was quick to drop dime and be all "Eve did it," correct? That's the malarkey y'all have been passing down from generation to generation, right? Right.

Well I'm tired of it, and I'd like you to set the record straight.

Please let the people know that it was actually Adam who first tasted the fruit of the tree, that is was Adam trying to exert his bravado and superiority over the serpent that caused the rift between God and man, and that Eve, being the ever loyal and dutiful Ride Or Die bitch was asked to take the fall.

I'd like all Christians to hear from your wrinkled, lyin ass homophobic lips that all Eve did was support her man as she was asked to do by God. She was obedient and true, and when Adam approached her and just BOLD FACED LIED about where he got that fruit from, she believed him. Eve had no reason to doubt that shady ass motherfucker and, God help us, from the apple she did bite. Then, as she wept, Adam had the audacity to be all, "Baby listen, if God asks, it was you who ate first. He'll be easy on you because you're the woman."

And poor, gullible Eve, madly in love with Adam as she was, agreed. So when God approached them about the fruit, she let Adam blame it on her. You know it's the truth. You KNOW it.

Considering that Adam fucked women over, because we both know God was a lot harder on us (um, hello, CHILDBIRTH) than he was on his golden boy, Adam, the very least you can do is exonerate us, finally, and let the truth be known.

If I have to hear one more clueless asshole blame Eve for the state of the human world, honestly, I can't be held responsible for my actions. Do you really want that blood on your hands? Do you Benny? Do you? Because you know, blood no longer bothers me. I've been dealing with it since 1986.

Do the right thing here, and nobody has to get hurt.


*smooches...figuring, I'm already going to hell..."
...might as well have a fun flight, no??