Friday, October 02, 2009

"Greener Grass"


Join me and a slew of other fabulous NYC bloogers TONIGHT at Blog Cafe 1.0-

Who: Bloggers and Site owners
What: Networking event for bloggers/site owners and their readers.
Where: Katwalk NY* | 2 west 35th street, corner of 5th Avenue
When: Friday, October 2, 2009 6pm-9pm
Why: Because sometimes we can all use a little break from our Macs and PCs to network and mingle in person.

The FIRST 50 guests to show up with their Business Cards will receive a gift bag, courtesy of the participating Bloggers and site owners.

I will be there waiting to connect with all of my fabulous readers, as well as to mingle with my fellow bloggers & potential NEW readers, so come on out and enjoy yourself bitchezzzz!

And now the post...


I've had a couple of male readers tell me they stumbled upon my blog while looking for something completely unrelated to me, but decided to stay because of the profile pic:

Which is funny to me, 'cause it's like, "Really? That's all it takes to get your attention? Well, shit, then let me stock up on snug TShirts and VS bras!"

They also admitted to staying even after they realized my blog wasn't going to feature anything racier than my profile pic, and I'm flattered that my words keep you here (even if it was the Twins that invited you in).

HOWEVER, can I please explain that these things are NOT fun? At least not for me? And as soon as a plastic surgeon can guarantee that everything will be A-OK (and I can afford it) I'm gonna chop these bitches off?

And I don't want to hear from females who are all, "Oh I wish I had your problem!" Really? You want this problem? Really? The grass is always greener on the other side, eh? Let me outline it for you, deary...

1- I have permanent indentations in my shoulders from bra straps because of the weight of my breasts.

2- Sometimes, I have to turn the corner really carefully, lest I hit a small child in the head with my breasts. It's happened to poor N more than once. SMH...

3- Shirts never fit right EVER. No matter what I wear I look like a Hoochie.

4- Bra scars... they're not just for shoulders anymore... that's right- I have SCARS and BRUISES along my ribcage from mean old underwire cutting into my skin. BOOOO!

5- Running huuuuurrrrrrtttttsssss!!! No matter the sports bra, running has NEVER been easy for me.

6- Men stare at them all lustily and it's GROSS. Helloooooo, McFlyyyyy, my eyes are UP HERE!

7- Food n shit is always falling into my cleavage. Especially popcorn at the movies. Ugh!

8- Babies attack me. No, for real. They do. I must look like "lunch" to them or something.

9- Ladies: You know how your breasts get sore during PMS? Right, well imagine that soreness times 20 because I have all this MASS. Right.

10- Gravity. Is. A. Bitch.


So think about that the next time you dream about a breast augmentation. Consider yourself warned!

And yeah, my breast reduction surgery is just one lottery win (and flight to DR) away. Nothing you say will talk me out of it.

Except if you say that loss of nipple sensitivity is still a side effect of the reduction. Then I'm out. What's the point of living if you can't feel your nipples anymore? Ladies, can I get an AMEN?!

*smooches...doing my part for women everywhere*
Also of note for my smaller sisters, an augmentation will give you cantaloupe boobs, which are so noticeable and oh-so-not-cute!

PS- did you like all the gratuitous breast shots? I'm expecting at least 5 new male readers by the end of the day LOL!!!