Tuesday, October 13, 2009

On Closure

I'm sure there are chapters of psychology textbooks written about people who suffer from a lack of closure after a relationship abruptly ends; there has to be. Why? Because this shit is hella traumatic!

Imagine everything is cool one minute and the next, just like that, it's not. Or you have a dumb fight and then the other party involved drops dead. Or you're the Queen of Jaded-ville but allow your armor to be removed by someone you think is worthy and right when the last piece is ready to come off... KABOOM! IN YO FACE! GOTCHA, BITCH! And for what seems no good reason.

I know people will advise you to just go through it, feel it and then kindly let it go because it's out of your control. But sometimes I wonder if maybe those same people don't understand that the NOT letting go is also out of your control. Like, it's out of your control that watching a particular TV show will remind you of that person you lost. Or listening to a particular song. Or seeing a certain photo. Or spending time with a mutual friend or family member. How does one control those involuntary moments of woe that appear just when you could have SWORN you were at peace with your loss? Especially if they INSIST on popping in uninvited?

There is this strong desire to sit this "lost" person down and say everything you never got to say (I love you more than life itself), ask the questions you never got to ask (what did I do to make you change your mind about us?) and do the things you never got to do (throw a stiff drink in your face). Even after you've told yourself to let it go, those things linger in the back of your mind waiting for a trigger to allow them to resurface.

I have so many unfinished relationships in my 34 years. So many that I could be laughing one minute, all carefree and happy, and then fall into a fit of tears the very next minute at the overwhelming-ness of it all. It's like watching a TV show that was canceled before any of the major storylines were resolved. Or reading a great mystery novel all the way through, only to find that the last 50 pages are missing. FROM EVERY COPY EVER PRINTED.

Sometimes I wish it were enough to write it out. I wish I could just take one blog post and write:

I'm sorry I never called you back because you were my world and I was too selfish and stupid to see it.


I really liked you and was so hurt that you could so easily toss me aside with no real explanation as to why.


I don't understand what brand of asshole you'd have to be to do that shit to me and think it would be OK.

But even that would not be enough. None of it will ever be enough. My problem has always been that I want more than can ever be mine. Even if I had my second chance with my unfinished relationships I would still want more.

The only thing that helps keep me going, helping me to try and avoid the darkness I keep falling into, is the slap in the face from Mammy's (AKA Hattie McDaniel) words: wantin' ain't gettin'. So maybe I should just focus on being happy.

One of these days I'll learn to let you all go...

*smooches...with so much more to say to so many people*
but what's the point? none of them will ever get to read this. *sigh*

ps- new show is on the player... listen to it; t'was a good time!