Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday Rantings Of A Hormonal Jaded NYer: Self-Sabotage

I can't seem to get it together. It's been a month with this new schedule and still I struggle to balance my two measly clients, my two daughters, friends, family and sleep. I keep telling myself to take care of me and finish what I need to finish but when faced with the task I cave like a poorly built house of cards.

There's so much I want to do. Some will say to "prioritize" but how do I do that when everything seems important? I've put so many things off that they're all important by now; they all require immediate attention... They all require 100% of me.

And so many of my immediate goals are dependent on this schedule of mine getting its shit together. I want to get more sleep. I want to spend quality time with the babies. I want to volunteer in my old neighborhood. I want to finish this MFA (DUE MONDAY, by the way!!) and then apply to graduate school for my next academic endeavor. I want to teach the babies Spanish. I want to enroll N in basketball and have time to take her to games and coach her. I want to take K to all the Broadway shows that interest her. I want to help Mami with her house.

I want all this and fun times, romance, additional avenues of income, a bigger apartment and most importantly- time to take a breath and enjoy my life.

But here I am- 3 days late on a work deadline, two weeks behind on my paper grading, 3 years late on my thesis and about 20 years behind on a good night's sleep, and all I manage to do regularly is blog and watch ER.

And then this morning N is all, "you promised to teach me Spanish, and when I ask you you always say 'tomorrow' and then tomorrow you never do it." That just broke my heart! I don't like to break a promise, especially to my kids. Yet here I am, breaking promises left and right. Late on deadlines. Failing miserably at the most basic of tasks. Ruining my credibility on both the personal and professional level.

Maybe this is just the PMS talking (actually I'm pretty sure it is) but I'm feeling that "find a hole to crawl into it and stay there" feeling. Hopefully that hole won't have anyone depending on me for anything.

*smooches...bracing myself for a rough 5 days*
And I know I'm being a whiny baby but whatever... it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to, whine if I want to, whine if I want to...