If you know me in real life, you know that I am socially retarded. I have serious interpersonal skill deficiencies coupled with an unhealthy desire to have everyone like me. The worst thing in the world to me is to have someone mad at me or bad mouthing me all over town. I just want everything to be peaceful and happy and quiet.
I'm slowly but surely learning to let go of that and just be me, but we're talking some 30-odd years of behavioral conditioning to overcome, so excuse me if I take the scenic route to self-esteemville.
One specific area that I've always had a problem with is speaking up with friends, whether it be something they did to me or I did to them. I can only explain it as an anxiety that if I say what I really want to say, worse case scenario, they won't want to speak to me anymore. And then I'd lose a friend. And then there will be someone in the universe who didn't like me, maybe even wish me ill will. And everybody we had in common would also be lost or get caught in the middle. That's my equivalent of the END OF THE WORLD.
My typical way of dealing with these bumps in the friendship road? Stop talking to them. I know, genius... Shut up. I already know it's not the way to go so spare me the SIDE EYES and lectures.
For example, back in college my fiance (LOL!!) Cathi stayed with me for a few days before school started; I had an apartment off campus and she needed to be back at school early for sports-related stuff but her place wasn't ready yet. No problem, right? She and I are tight, right? WRONG. At this time I was dealing with a 2yr-old K all by myself (well not really, Irene was living with me) because C moved to Long Island for a job at a SUNY school, PLUS trying to finish school. So maybe I was already on the brink and didn't know it. Who knows?!
Anyway it was so long ago that I don't remember the exact cause of it, but I was upset with Cathi about something and cut all ties. I refused to return her apologetic emails, didn't call her, ignored her on campus- the whole nine. And this was one of my closest friends at AU. Still, I cut her the fuck off. Why? Because Raquel = hard-headed, socially inept drama queen full of righteous indignation who doesn't know how to speak up and instead throws a tantrum and cuts people out of her life.
A similar situation happened with Irene- TWICE! Instead of addressing the matter right away I just ceased all communications and held on to my, "Well I'm the hurt party here so I'm gonna hold on to this grudge and beat it into the ground until it can't be beat anymore, and then I'm STILL gonna beat it some more." That's how I roll, SON! Why? Because Raquel = hard-headed, socially inept drama queen full of righteous indignation who doesn't know how to speak up and instead throws a tantrum and cuts people out of her life.
And really, you'd think after these instances where I almost lost two of the closest friends I've had in my life I would have learned to deal with this shit better and not lose a friend over a simple disagreement or misunderstanding, etc, right? WRONG AGAIN. It happened yet again this summer.
True, it all came about during my meltdown (DAMN YOU, JURY DUTY! DAMN YOU TO HELLLLLLL!!), so part of me wants to say, "I wasn't in my right mind at the time. The stress of LIFE and DEATH and society's ills towards its fellow man made me do it," and that may very well be the case. I completely fell apart on the inside during that murder case and tried to hide it.
But I didn't have to drag it out until October. I've been in a better place since mid-August and never tried to seriously mend this relationship. Part of me still wanted to hold on to my, "Well I'm the hurt party here so I'm gonna hold on to this grudge and beat it into the ground until it can't be beat anymore, and then I'm STILL gonna beat it some more." But it's all so stupid, mostly because it was all so FIXABLE. Except neither party was willing to make that move.
But we finally did- met up, talked it out, mended those wounds. And in case I didn't come right out and say it, I'm sorry, and I accept your apology, too.
My main concern right now is learning how to get this shit under control before it even becomes a major problem again. A friend once told me that I internalize stuff too much, sometimes even blaming myself for what others do to me, and I see her point. But when it's all said and done, it takes two people to end a relationship so I can't just put it on the other person. I have to acknowledge my part in the situation.
All I know is I would like all this negativity inside me evicted as of now and moving forward into 2010. I just can't allow it in my life anymore. It's time that I just grew the fuck up.
*smooches...slowly learning that playing the victim is SO not cute*
and not only is it not cute, it's wasted energy that could have been spent planting a tree, reading a good book or drinking a kick-ass margarita on the beach.