Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Top 10 Conspiracy Theories That Will Get Me Shot

10- Doctors and insurance companies are in cahoots with the government to keep us in fear of our inevitable deaths, over-medicated and dependent on the latest news items from The New England Journal of Medicine, or as I like to call it, The Quack's Bible.

9- Healthy food costs more money so that poor folks will have a hard time maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Why? See number 10.

8- The Pope isn't really Catholic and he's had sex before. With multiple partners. Lots of them of the same sex AND underage.

7- Google is really SkyNet in a very thinly veiled disguise and has already begun to think for itself. The impending robot war is close at hand.

6- Obama is really a White dude with an afro wig and a tan ala C. Thomas Howell in "Soul Man."

5- JFK was not shot by Oswald. Has anyone ever looked into what old man Onasis was doing that day? Mhmm. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned..."

4- The graphic novel-turned-TV Show, "The Walking Dead," is really NRA propaganda. How convenient that the best way to defend yourself against a zombie invasion is with a firearm. YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME, FAKE MOSES Charlton Heston! I see right through you! I don't care if you're dead!

3- We never landed on the moon, and if you look real close at the footage of the "moon landing" you can see the cables attached to the "astronauts" as they walk around in "space."

2- There are hidden cameras in my apartment and my phones are tapped, because my landlord is a member of some sort of terrorist cell and The Man thinks I'm a part of it. This doesn't stop me from walking around in the buff, though. If you're gonna watch, shiiiiit, I'm gonna give you a show. The SHOW OF A LIFETIME!

1- Sean Combs and Suge Knight orchestrated Biggie & Tupac's deaths, respectively, to line their own pockets with millions in record sales. Rat bastards. That's right, I said that shit. AND WHAT?!?!

**This post has been brought to you by a food coma, drafty apartment and keyboard courage. If I end up dead because of a 'mysterious' or 'unfortunate' accident, you'll know why. Avenge me.**

*smooches...writing these things because I can*
Who gon' check me, boo?