Thursday, December 16, 2010


I feel things deeply.

My pain, your pain- it's all the same to me.

During my junior or senior year of high school, a classmate was shot and killed at a party. I didn't know this kid at all, but watching those who did know him cry made me cry heartily. I felt like a fraud allowing those tears to roll down my cheeks, but it's not something I can control. Pain is pain and I feel all of it.

I'm hurt a lot. I think people mistake my harsh exterior for a cold heart. But I still have feelings, you know? Machete or not I am still a human being. 99% of the time I will joke it away. But at some point all that hurt piles up until I have no choice but to pull away from the world, go into my bathroom and cry in the shower.

Today is one of those days.

For the first time in my life I wish I knew how to drive. I'd hop in the car, top down, scarf and sunglasses ala Jackie O. and just drive until I reached the water. I'd have the radio up loud, sing along off-key and have a good cry behind my sunglasses on my drive to nowhere. With Jamie Cullum on repeat...

I'd forget everyone and everything and exist by myself in a painless, peaceful drive to nowhere. And when I got there I'd sit and write myself a letter that would read:

No matter what, it will be alright. You will be alright.


*smooches...just for me in my imaginary car*
y'all hoes be stressin' me out, I swear...