Wednesday, November 03, 2010

If You Want Me To Appear On Your Show...

When I was married, I was privy to a lot of the behind the scenes stuff at a college. For example, the tedious process of hiring talent to perform at big campus events. The powers that be obtain this magic LIST of people who are available to perform at colleges, their cost and the terms of their appearances. That's right- the infamous RIDER!

There was one performer that the school wanted to get but couldn't because he demanded Hennessy in his dressing room and the school was run by Jesuit priests. Hilarious!

I remembered that just the other day and thought- what ridiculousness would I put on my list just because I could?

*cue dream sequence*

The Jaded NYer's Rider:

1. Big Ass TV w/a DVD Player and the following DVDs- Buffy (seasons 1-7); John Cusack's entire filmography; The Anniversary Party; Love Story; West Side Story; Gone With The Wind.

2. A dance floor.

3. Popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies

4. David's sunflower seeds- the regular ones; no fancy flavors!

5. Planters UNSALTED peanuts mixed with Sunmaid Raisins

6. Room temperature filtered water

7. Tostitos Scoops w/medium bean & corn salsa

8. Stargazer & Calla lilies- NO BABY BREATH!!

9. One topless male Brazilian soccer player

10. One topless male Portuguese soccer player

11. Full-size bed w/pillow top mattress & all the fixins

12. Janeane Garofalo

13. Josie (my former her in from Texas. Thanks!)

14. #theplate

15. Someone at whom to yell, preferably male

I may or may not use any of these things once in the dressing room, but if this entire list isn't met to a T?? I WILL walk out, contract or no contract!

*smooches...practicing to be a difficult diva from now*
hey- I have to give TMZ something to talk about!