It happens every year. I can’t even believe I’m still surprised when I feel the bluesy-blues coming on because as soon as we have to turn the clocks back my mood levels plummet. Every. Year.
Suddenly, everything I’m doing seems pointless and undoable; I yell at the babies more; I daydream about strangling my fellow commuters; and nothing feels like a better solution than throwing myself on the couch, under the covers, until spring.
All of the things I don’t like about myself or my situation get magnified in my mind. From my financial situation to my physical health, anything can make me get depressed and weepy and, frankly, quite useless for the rest of the day.
What’s worse is I’m aware of all this and I can’t will it away. I’m not in control of this downward spiral but I sure do have a front-row seat for it.
I know what you’re thinking- exercise gives you all the natural mood-elevation you need. Right? That’s what you were thinking, right? Here’s the problem with that. Have you ever had an operation that required you to be under anesthesia? Remember that feeling of having to be pulled out of it, when your brain is awake but it can’t make your body move, not even your eyes? And for a split second you’re terrified because it’s almost as if you’ll never get out from under, like you're buried alive? You’ll be mentally aware but unable to move? That’s me right now. I’d like to activate the endorphins in my body but I can’t even muster up the strength to put my shoes on to leave the house.
Besides, I’m not able to do anything strenuous because there’s something wrong with my feet and legs (this time I don’t suspect cancer but rather gangrene. That’s right; my legs are now gangrenous and will probably need to be amputated. That’s my diagnosis.). Sometimes it’s a struggle just to walk from the couch to the bathroom. I feel a hundred years old, like I’ve failed my body so now it’s turning against me, but I can’t see a doctor because I don’t have insurance. (Thanks for my health insurance, Obama!) This cycle of woe-is-me-isms has no end...
The season, the holidays, life in general...I’m just not in the mood for it all right now, you know?
*smooches...wishing I had solutions that work*
or lots of alcohol to numb the pain and a sugar daddy to pay my bills. I'd emerge in the spring well-rested and ready to work!