...is what I was looking like at 4:35AM this morning. I got up specifically at that time to catch up on some stuff- housework, writing, etc. But when I began to approach each mini-project, this sense of doom mixed in with sleep deprivation and anger and helplessness and just AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So I called in sick. And I called my old shrink.
What scares me the most is my ability to- even with this feeling in my gut that made me physically ill this morning to the point where I was checking the calendar, curious if my cycle was changing on me yet again- still compose myself as if nothing is wrong.
Like after I made the appointment with the shrink I called this state agency to check on some health insurance options in the event that I decide this job is toxic and I need to leave. And then I called the jerky neuro to let him know that he fucked up and needed to make it right (and SUPER HUGE BIG THANKS to BAM who advised me on how to get the proper care I was entitled to through my insurance carrier... so amazingly awesome of you!!!).
I even went grocery shopping and did not freak out when A) the self check out machine was acting a fool (although I may have threatened to beat the shit out of it) and B) I discovered that my debit card was not in my wallet. I had to go all the way back home and come all the way back. That's like 12 blocks in total for those of you not familiar with my neighborhood.
But then I took one item off my plate and dropped off some laundry- just the linen, which only cost me $4 more than if I'd done it myself, saving me time and a little bit of sanity. And then I got the most comforting email from Jack reminding me that it's OK to say "no."
Still, I feel like this ticking time bomb. Like, I know I kid about climbing a clock tower and taking some people out but this morning, seriously, I felt like I could have. For Real. Scary shit, right?
*smooches...with a few screws loose and a couple of lost marbles*
----------
I have posts scheduled for the week so the blog will go on, but don't expect any "real time" stories from me for a couple of days while I quiet The Voices, and don't be mad if I'm ghost from your site. I'll be busy trying to steer clear of the COO-COO house.
and for those who wondered WHY I have like 13 emergency drafts saved at all times... see? It's for times like this, when my brain explodes, so that I can still maintain some semblance of normalcy somewhere.
Posts
