Wednesday, May 04, 2011

36 Soon Come: How Jaded Got Her Health Back, Pt.1 - Clean Slate!

During my blogging break, it came to my attention that I was a Fat-Ass Fatty McFatterton-Heifer. How? Oh, because I have a mirror and Voices that are unforgiving real-talkers.

But not only was I fat, I was unable to dance at my usual pace and oh, yeah, two of my favorite jeans fell prey to Inner Thigh Friction Syndrome. It was a sad, sad day in the Penzo household.

It got drastic. I didn't want to be the fat friend holding everyone's purse at the club (more on that later...), standing by myself while everyone else is chosen. It's a miserable place to be, especially if you're accustomed to being the Belle of the Ball(s).

Nothing has frightened me more in life than the thought of EVER weighing 200lbs again. Nothing! So I decided, at 197lbs and an almost size 16 (VOMIT!), to do something about it before I got too big to be cute.

My first step had to be a physical exam and blood draw, in order to determine what real damage I had done in just one crazy year. Much to my surprise everything came back normal. I was basically given a fresh start with regular/healthy cholesterol, iron, glucose and blood pressure levels. It was like a dream come true!

Then I had to visit the Girly Parts doctor, who assured me that my fibroids had not gotten any bigger so nothing needed to be done about them. And I’m hoping she’s right because if I have to Google this shit it won’t be pretty. She did, however, seem surprised that the schiesty doctor that performed my operation for the ectopic pregnancy I had in 1998 decided to leave my Fallopian tube in place. “They usually remove it.” *sigh* I can’t even count the ways I hate the whole experience attached to that operation.

Next I had to see a podiatrist because remember THIS post when I was complaining about my feet? Right. Well, it wasn't gangrene from Diabetes as I originally thought. I have plantar faciitis. So now, like a dork, I have to do these stretches, ice my feet regularly, and wear Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts. Blerg.

During all of this I signed up for a three-month-trial with Weight Watchers online, figuring that if Jennifer Hudson got her lollipop figure with them, so could I. The only thing left to do was the dreaded exercise. Double Blerg!

I knew I was on the verge of a huge lifestyle makeover. One that didn't include staying up until 4 AM eating Third Dinner while watching Cosby Show reruns on Netflix. And it scared me more than the anticipation of bad test results from the doctor.

I was in for a long, hard road. (That's what she said!)

*smooches...dragging you on this journey because I can*
besides, it's boring here all by myself!