A bit ago, I read an article in the New York Times Magazine that featured 21 high school seniors’ plans for the next 10 years of their lives and many of the answers made me sad. It also made me rush home and ask my 15-year-old what her 10-year plan was, to make sure she has a realistic hold on this world. Hey, she’s my kid so you never know.
When I was 18 all I wanted was to get out of Brooklyn, out from under my mother’s over-protective hold and just away from everyone and everything that was familiar. Oh, and I wanted to be a groupie for Guns N Roses- following them from show to show. That was, of course, in 1993 when the band was still together (shakes angry fists at Axl’s ego). Once I stepped onto Alfred’s campus and began classes, all I wanted to do was drink as much cheap and/or free liquor as I could get my hands on and maybe attend a class here and there. By my sophomore year, after having to convince the school to not kick me out, I was determined to really buckle down on my studies- Environmental Science- so that I could intern at the US Environmental Protection Agency and save the world. No more groupie dreams, just straight-up geology and statistics and socio-political classes. Then I got pregnant.
In my senior year I really, truly could give nan one fuck about the environment, but it was too late to change majors. My new 10-year plan involved living in sin with my child’s father someplace nice and making ends meet as best I could. Sexy, right? Sometime in 1998 I was already back in the NYC area, working a desk job at a SoHo publisher (fancy!), degree-less and severely unhappy with my marriage and life. Five years out of high school and nothing to show for it except some Fiestaware dishes I bought from eBay, a daughter and a fake marriage.
The next five years found me changing jobs at least three more times, having another daughter, adding vintage cameras to the items I was hoarding off of eBay and finally getting my BA in 2003. Ten years out of high school and I hadn’t saved the world, followed Guns N Roses anywhere and was STILL in a bad, fake marriage with a going-nowhere job.
I tell you all this because many of you probably have a similar story to tell- you were hyped up by your parents and teachers and told you could do anything and be anything and have it all…by 30. It’s so unrealistic and unfair to put that on a child. I beg of you not to perpetuate this myth with any of the children in your life.
You can have many things by the age of 30: two degrees; the beginnings of a kick-ass career; maybe a budding family; maybe a starter home or a nice apartment; and if you work really hard, some money stashed away for a rainy day. But you will not have this mysterious “all” by 30. You may not even get it by 40. If you look at most of the people with real financial wealth or successful careers, or any semblance of an “all” they’re old as fuck. Like, knocking on 60s door old. And they’ve put in eons of hard work.
In that New York Times Magazine article, one high school senior said that in 10 years, he’d be a pediatric surgeon with a house and enough bank to get his parents out of debt.
May the Lord be with him and his pipe dreams…
*smooches...teaching my kids better*
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I wish someone had been more honest with me back then... it would have saved me so much heartache and bad feelings.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
36 Soon Come: 10-Year Plans
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A Life in Shambles,
Babies,
I'm Not Bitter,
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8 comments:
Welcome back! I think the pipe dreams are necessary, tho. Some kids have never been afforded the opportunity to dream (big or small) and these so-called "pipe dreams" definitely give them a starting point.
In a session with my therapist, I told her that the main reason behind my pain and frustration was the fact that I made all these goals to reach by my milestone years of 18, 21, 25 and 30.
I'm damn near 30 and it looks as if I won't meet that goal of having the husband and kid and I grew bitter. Part of that is because I didn't do any living between those milestones. I didn't have much fun and now, all I have to show for it is a decade of lost opportunities.
So, I will not discourage anyone's "pipe dreams." I will encourage them to dream big, but keep their feet on the ground and to remember to live between their plans.
I definitely think it's important to have dreams, but I agree, there is this stupid thing that you should have achieved all these things before 30 (with the added pressure for women that we should be married and have children).
I put myself under constant pressure because of this and had a full on melt down at 26 - completely floundering in the utter sense of failure that came with not being editor of Vogue. For shame!
Once I just decided to go at my own speed, it all just got a lot easier and more importantly, FUN!
Personally, I think 5 year plans, 10 year plans etc are just bollocks - if things don't go according to what you mapped out in your head, you feel you failed. I say, have a dream then roll with the punches and work hard to make it happen. Simples.
Maaan I read so many pipe dreams at my sister's HS when I was there for career day and the hallways were plastered with "When I am 35..." essays. I had to stifle some laughter. But it was refreshing to see dreams of careers outside of being rappers, sports stars and booty shakers. I always gave myself timelines in life and I am grateful that I've learned early (23-24 yrs old) sometimes my plan isn't the plan for me at the time or at all. My baby sis who is 17, said she has a lot to live up to when it comes to me and I am just honest with her about being realistic and being happy in what she does. There are days when I see people chasing their dreams and doing "big" stuff but I remind myself, "Jaded is ten years older than me now writing her first book and writing published articles I have time. No sweat".
It's crazy that I was JUST speaking to my niece about this LAST NIGHT. I don't think we should shut down their ideas or call them "pipe dreams," but hit em with the reality that they have to back up their dreams with a plausible plan. Yes they can be anything they want to be... But it takes A LOT of hard work, long nights, disappointments, ambition, drive, and re-planning. That's the illusion that these kids have, that their dream will just fall in their laps. That people will just GIVE em a job because their mama said so. That money and love will happen in an exact timeline. We have to teach them to not just value the destination but the journey as well.
I'm glad your back posting and I wish someone had hipped me to the reality of this because I started college.
Try disillusioning someone from their pipe dreams for you. It took many awkward conversations and my sister finally having a baby for my parents to accept that it's not a phase, I really don't want kids and will never give them the grandkids they dreamt I would give them. It's also not that I hate kids ... I just don't want them.
@smarty- Oh, so all of a sudden you're a "glass half full" person? Oh, okay.
@bangsy- girl I kept beating myself up for missing these "deadlines" and it has ruined me. I'm trying hard to keep my girls from falling for it, too.
@coogie- thanks for reminding me that my book is still unwritten *runs away sobbing*
@shanelle- it's scary for me how many kids have zero grasp on reality. That's why whenever we watch something on TV that would normally warp a young'un's mind I speak up ASAP. I want my babies prepared!
@bella- school is awesome, though! I'd never discourage anyone from an education. That's the only thing The Man can't take away from you!
@kelly- just make Kate have more babies and you'll be fine LOL
I don't know man, Patsy gave us the "you can be anything you want" but also made it plain that bad decisions can derail the best laid plans. She didn't want her girls hurting or grabbing for a gilded life.
The problem with these kids is that they ALL want to be FILTHY rich, no one wants to be regular, no one knows what being middle class is, and sadly not many of them have the work ethic to follow through with these lofty goals.
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