Monday, July 27, 2009

"There Are Many Things That I Would Like To Say To You But I Don't Know How "


Well, whattaya know, I'm still depressed! Go figure... but I'm trying to keep busy so that I don't end up soliciting any more one night stands off Craigslist (don't judge me, monkey). Like volunteering and shit busy (maybe this week), spending time with friends busy (I'll try and get to that real soon) and making sure I get out of the house for at least an hour a day busy (well, I'm going to work... does that count?). Maybe some day soon I may even get myself to a gym. I hear those endorphins are real good at getting the brain to act right.

In the meantime, this is what's what:

1- I re-activated my Twitter account but am using it sparingly. I felt like I had been gone forever but according to my last update it was only 12 days since I'd logged on. Either way I whittled my followers down to about 15 and am following about 25. It feels a little better. Maybe in the next few weeks I'll feel well enough to start posting on a regular basis. Tell no one. The blog, however, will remain on lock-down indefinitely.

2- I've lost like 10lbs. Yup- from 185 to 176 in just one swift breakup/breakdown. Depression kinda suits me. Now my clothes fit better. Still, as I write this my stomach is grumbling like a BIYOTCH but I don't think I'll feed it for another 30mins. Do I have an eating disorder? Of course I do! My life is out of control so this is how I gain it back, blah blah blah... yeah, I saw that movie, too. But I know what I'm doing so shut the fuck up. Am I just saying all that to justify an eating disorder? You bet your ass I am.

3- I want you to understand... I'm not sad because he dumped me. It's not about him... it's never about the dude. Even in '06 when I took to my bed for a week after that Guyanese bastard dumped me it wasn't about him. It's about no longer feeling special, important, pretty, etc. Add that to my already crumbling psyche due to serious financial troubles and this is the result. It's about being knocked off a pedestal by the very people who put you there. I don't do well with that. Now I know how has-been actors & musicians feel when the fans stop caring about them. *Remind me to look up Corey Haim and give him a hug.

4- It turns out I can't go home this summer after all and that just made me sink into a deeper hole of sadness and self-destruction. I wanted to lay on that beach and release all this pent up SOMETHING. I wanted to visit Grandma and make my peace with her. I wanted to have a dangerous liaison with a DominiCOON thug to boost my ego. But alas... it's not looking good. I need to make some serious money like NOW. But do you realize how hard it is to drum up new business when you barely have the energy to get out of bed and breathe?

5- I lied. I am sad because he dumped me. And not so much because it means no great love affair, but because I also lost what I thought was blossoming into a cool friendship. It wasn't all kissy-face n shit- that's only what you saw or heard about because that's what people chose to photograph and talk about. But when it was just the two of us we had many great laughs about simple, ordinary things that had nothing to do with nakedness. Or at least I thought so. Maybe I misjudged the whole thing. But either way, I miss his laugh and it hurts to think that he doesn't miss mine. It hurts a lot.

*smooches...wanting so badly to feel better but not even coming close*
and I apologize for being a pansy-ass'd weak little sniveling girl about this. I promise that I'm trying to get better. I'm even contemplating dusting off my bike. Of course, that would mean I'd have to eat more than 500 calories a day...